Today is a good day. I really am in a good mood tonight. I can't put my finger on one thing that's made a difference but there's a few things which has generally left me feeling in a lighter, brighter mood and generally happy.
Some small wins this week though have seen me pulling together some Christmas plans. I still have a way to go but I feel I am on the right track. I've managed to get some things done too that I wanted to do on a personal level. There's a few friends having particularly tough times right now so I wanted to send them a note to let them know they are in my thoughts.
In addition to that I have sent some gifts to friends who have had babies this year. One couple had their child on March 13th, the day I met Jonathan so you can see how far behind I have been.
I am pleased to have caught up though and to have got them sent. There's a few other things I need to catch up on but they will come soon. I'm learning to not beat myself up about falling behind though and just to crack on and make best use of the time I have.
There have been several reasons why I have fallen behind. I'm usually quite organised so its fairly unusual for me. I think most people will assume that Jon is to blame. I'd argue not. In fact I'd argue that he's helped me get to this point quicker by helping me find happiness which had escaped me.
The hard truth is that I have struggled a lot this year. I'd become lethargic and disengaged. Things I previously enjoyed no longer gave me pleasure and my motivation was almost non existent. I needed help and fortunately was able to access it. I've learned that the root of many of these problems were underlying depression following on from Stephen's passing. This isn't about blame but more about understanding why I had started to feel and think the way I did.
I didn't want to turn to family, they have enough to deal with and to be honest they have had to deal with Stephen's loss too. Friends also have had their own issues and loss to deal with and it seems some have misunderstood what's really happening and have become distant. I suppose in many respects its my own fault, I've put up a front or worn a mask which says I am happy and coping and I've not wanted to talk to those close to me about how I've felt, I've opted instead to take professional help.
I'm on the other side of that now though. I feel I have a better understanding of myself. Of why and how I have changed and how my life experience has changed me.
I am pleased and proud that Jonathan has been at my side on this journey of discovery. I really feel he met me whilst I was at my most unattractive. I was quite negative, bitter, and generally not always a happy or pleasant person to be with. Some months on I now feel much happier, brighter and more positive. I see a future and am generally enjoying life and sharing the life I have with someone special. I feel I am finding the old Mark again and feel more positive about how I can go on to help others now.
I've felt flattered this week as a friend called on me for support. Flattered that they feel I can help and pleased that I was able to. As I look around myself now and the plans I have for my future I feel ready to take on the challenges ahead. There's a few things which are likely to change in my life over the coming months and the thought of these fills me with enthusiasm. It's exciting as there are a lot of opportunities and a lot of learning for me to do. Yes, there is a lot of work too but that's fine, I'm not afraid of hard work.
On reading that last paragraph again I am conscious that those changes are going to be both on a personal and professional level so, 2013 is going to be a huge year of change for me, no, not for me but for us, as those changes in my life will affect Jonathan too and again, I am pleased that he will be at my side as I will be at his through whatever lies ahead for him.
On a closing note I am looking forward to the weekend. I have no idea what is in store for me this weekend but I'm going to enjoy spending time with a very dear and special friend who happens to also be the person I am proud to call my partner. I hope that whatever you're doing that you have a great weekend too.
Until next time take care xxx
Sent from my iPad