Eating The Elephant

I feel sick, why do I feel like this?  I can tell you why, it's because I have a tendency to take on the worries of the world.  I used to feel like this vary rarely but for obvious reasons in the past 18 months or so it's been more often.  I spoke to Jonathan about it a week or so ago, he shared his strategy for dealing with these feelings.  Basically write them all down.  I suppose it's as my old boss used to say, "don't try to eat the elephant…"  by this he meant instead of looking at all the problems as a whole break them down into smaller bits which are more manageable and instantly your problems seem less imposing.  I am going to write them down but, not here.

It's Friday today though and I am pleased it's the weekend.  We have a busy weekend planned but I am looking forward to just spending some time with Jonathan as he's been away most of the week filming on the south coast and in South Wales.  It felt a little like our first few weeks together where we spent some nights apart.  The main difference this week was that Jonathans cats were with me.  Even though I already have two cats there is something about caring for someone else's animals.  I think naturally we take on a heightened duty of responsibility when caring for other peoples pets or children.

This week has been quite significant for our furry family, or the cat army as Jonathan calls them.  All four have all spent time indoors together.  Since Jonathans cats arrived mine have been more than a little off with us, its clear that they were disgruntled about their routines being unsettled.  Jonathans cats have been very relaxed though and have just settled in very easily and without fuss.  There have been no fights, just a few growls and stares but this week they seem to have spent more time together.  I am not daft enough to think that they are all going to cosy up together but we're near the place where they all get along nicely and respect each others spaces.  I guess it's like any new relationships, (us humans included) they need to find and re-define their own comfort zones and respect each others space.

I suppose that's set me off thinking about Jonathan and I.  We've not had a cross word yet.  I don't recall any serious differences of opinion or at least if there has been they've not been noteworthy.  I guess it's still early days, 3½ months but it feels like longer.  We have spoken so much together about or past and about our aspirations for the future so I feel I know him very well and I hope he feels the same about me although, Jonathan has had the added advantage of being able to read this blog.  He's read back to Steve's entries too which he said gives him an understanding of Stephen too.  I appreciate that a lot as when he's mentioned then I feel like Jonathan knows him too even though they obviously never met.

I think we have a decent understanding of each other.  He knows my past has been tough and on times traumatic and Jonathan has had his own life experiences to deal with.  I know everyone the world over has experienced tough times and dark days but it is how you deal with those that helps shape you as a person.  I feel there is a lot of respect, understanding and empathy in our relationship.  Neither of us seeks to outshine or direct the other, we each have our own strengths and weaknesses and I think we are starting to let those develop naturally, it's a nice feeling.  Jonathan feels like an equal, I am not reliant on him and I don't feel he relies on me.  We are not together because we need to be together but because we want to be together.  It's difficult to explain, perhaps I am too tired (already), to articulate my thoughts properly but I suppose in layman's terms it is about shunning those expected stereotypes of masculine breadwinner / hunter gatherer and feminine homemaker / carer as both of us are equally able to adopt both roles and fluctuate between the two.

I'm going to sign off for now as that has set me off on another train of thought that I really don't want to debate with myself, not now at least.

I'll write soon but have a great weekend whatever you're up to.

xxMxx