Valentines Day

It's odd.  The anniversaries seem to come around quickly now.  It's just one year ago today, 13th Feb since we went to stay with Jacqui on her narrowboat in Norfolk before going on to spend a few days with Jayne & Ray and see my Sister and Brother In Law.

We set off on a Sunday and, with the radio on we chatted, laughed, joked and sang all the way there.  On the radio that morning though, a song came on which stopped me in my tracks.  have a listen, (Listen Here) it just said everything at that time and hearing it now is still difficult for me.  I cant believe how different things are right now, and things don't seem to be getting easier.  See here what Steve said about it.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day, there's love all around, red hearts, red roses and a plethora of icky sicky sweet cards.  I was/am probably more romantic than Steve but his way of showing love was special to him.  He always made me smile.  Until he met me he was quite reserved about saying the "L" word, but with me he was different.  I miss that.  Plenty of people still tell me they love me and I know they do but it's not the same.  what I shared with Steve was different to anything I have experienced before and is probably different to anything I will experience in the future.

That brings me on to my future.  I've been thinking a lot lately and the truth is that I have not reached any conclusions.  I have looked at things in my life right now and looked at how I would like my future to look.  I don't know how it will be exactly but I know I just want an honest and quiet life and I want to share happy times with family and friends.  I've thought about friends I've lost touch with and about those who I see regularly, those that are close and those that are far away and I realise some seem to harbour their own agendas.  Some friends make me feel happy just by being there and others leave me wondering what their agenda is, whether there is a sub text or whether I am just a "friend" to make them feel good about themselves. 

This reminded me of one of Steve's pet hates, he was very good at seeing these things and would let it pass unmentioned for a long time before he'd snap and do something about it, like the friend who liked to introduce him as "My Gay friend Steve" like he was some sort of accessory, of course we became almost like premium accessories when we became civil partners..... people eh.

Well there isn't much else for me to rant about here.  As for Valentines day I hope you are lucky enough to spend it with someone you care about and who cares about you and if like me, your Valentine is somewhere else then cherish your yesterday, dream your tomorrow but live your today.

xxx Mark xxx