Wednesday, 23 November 2011


No matter how well I think I am doing my grief often takes me by surprise. Be that a glimpse of something Steve would love, a slight hint of a fragrance Steve wore or a snippet of a song he sang along to, they are all bitter reminders.

I miss him more with each passing hour and every day I learn of more reasons I miss him. Today I miss his knowledge of Manchester. Although not a Mancunian he knew his way around the city. Today I had a business meeting and had to rely on my trusty iPhone to direct me instead of Steve.

As I stepped off the tram in St Peters Square the Midland Hotel caught my attention. It has been bedecked with Christmas lights. It reminded me immediately of a picture Steve took of the Midland with its lights on. His office was next door to it and for him their lights signalled the start of Christmas. There it was, another stab in the heart. I never thought I'd get emotional over some white lights on a hotel.

I know some people are growing tired of my grief, I am too. I don't plan these reminders, those I can prepare for, browsing a photo album or opening letters addressed to Steve are easy to deal with. It's the ones that creep up on you and take you by surprise that are hardest to deal with.

I want to be happy, I want to laugh and for the most part I manage that, at least on the outside. I don't mean I want to forget, I never will, the hole Steve left in my heart when he died cannot be filled but I know things will get easier. Eventually.

After this afternoons event I spent some time chatting with a friend. It was great to chat, we do t get to meet up very often but it's always good to chat to her.

I've had a busy evening again tonight though. Some friends called around so, after they left I had a few things to sort and then changed the bed linen as I had hoped to yesterday. It's now almost 11pm and its me time. Again the evening has flown by and I still have so much to do before the weekend.

Maybe one day I will write about how I have relaxed for the whole day and done nothing. Maybe, but I don't see it being any time soon!

Well it's bedtime for me now, goodnight. Sending love to you all and particularly anyone suffering a loss, I know being a Gay Widower is a lonely place.


Sent from my iPhone

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