Monday, 12 September 2011

A way forward

Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward.  Looking for that elusive new norm.  Today has been a mixed day.  An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things.  All adding to my stress levels.  I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.

In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger.  In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.

After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle.  The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it.  He told us how he was now bullet proof.

We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with. 

I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare.  Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much.  The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.

There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment.  It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time.  This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off.  it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me.  I stopped tocompose myself.  I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work.  Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened.  It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.

I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping.  I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I  am managing.  I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died.  Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life.  When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines.  My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print

Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be.  Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed".  That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.

Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day.  Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.

Goodnight xxx


  1. Time to Say Goodbye was the only song played at Damian's funeral :( It's a killer for me that one, it transports me straight back to the crem, everyone but me and 2 of his work friends had walked out and I couldn't know the story...6 years on if I hear it my reaction is still the same, tears and lots of them.

    Thinking of you as always xxx