Yesterday I went back to work. It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too. I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do. It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people. It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.
Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today. Some friends called around after their holiday. It was nice to see them. We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was. As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.
Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt.
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol. I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.
After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess. Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.
Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing. The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.
This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself. Oddly just cooking upset me. Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him. It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.
Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons. I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.
Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own. I don't know but will decide tomorrow.