Action Stations

Well today has been an odd day, I spoke to Steve's Mum this morning, she is much the same as us, unable to focus etc, it's to be expected, I feel the same.  Simple tasks are extremely difficult and concentration is negligable.

Yesterday we sorted Steve's ebay account, LOADS had sold over the past few days, well, in saying days it is almost a week because the stuff that sold on Saturday last week hadn't been sent either as I had more important things to worry about.  Simple tasks like printing the ebay invoice was impossible, my mind was a blank and I couldn't do it.

Back to today though, (thats another thing at the moment, my mind wanders very quickly) today some friends came round, it was good to sit and chat.  Steves Mum came and we went up into the attic to get Steve's clothes for the funeral.  We came across a few photos of him and again found it difficult to think that we will never see him again.

The realisation is sinking in slowly for me I've not had a conversation with him now for 6 days, when he was in hospital he wasn't talkative as was too drowsy and distracted by his headaches and now he cant respond.  That is the hard part, we loved being in each others company, chatting and just being close.  It has always been the same, our first date lasted from 5.30 pm when I met him after work until 5.30 am when we finally decided we needed some sleep and all that time we had been talking, I dont remember what about but we discussed all sorts of stuff and the time flew by, it felt like just an hour or so.

Our whole relationship has flown by, from meeting on Friday May 13th 2005 to Stephen's leaving on Wednesday 15th June 2011.  It just feels like a flying visit, we had so many more things to do, he wanted to go back to Thailand, he wanted to see Phantom again this summer, he wanted to visit Leon in Israel and Ollie in Spain and Tal in Mull, he was looking forward to going away this weekend, which should have been today and he was also looking forward to our other break later in the year for our 5th wedding anniversary.  there were so many more chapters to write, photos to take and memories to make, now I have to do them alone.  I know he will be with me but I wont be able to see him or hear his voice or clink glasses to toast to another 5 years.

As I'm writing my eyes are streaming, what did I do to deserve this pain?  I fell in love with a truly remarkable person but, if I had my time over I would do it all again without a moments hesitation.

Mark