that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test. Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon. His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.
The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.
We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much. I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much. Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about. We were to find out all too soon.
A year on and I have been sat here alone all day. I have done quite a lot of work really. Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.
Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid. He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute. I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.
Stephen is dead. There is nothing I can do about it. I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried.
I learned today of a little boy called Ashley. He died this day last year. I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult. He was just 8 when he died. Its not fair is it. It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.
It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.
I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering. Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality. Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.
Steve and I worked hard. We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others. We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it? We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November. Three weeks in India. We never got there.
Cancer stopped our plans. Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore. The most important thing to me is no longer here.
I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment. How would you feel without your closest loved one around you? If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer? None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.
One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.
Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.