Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Decisions Decisions....

I really am trying hard to get back in to the swing of writing a blog on a daily basis.  I suppose if I am honest I became aware that my posts were being "monitored", I don't mean by my/our usual readers but "other" so it sort of put me off but now I realise that I cannot be criticised for expressing my feelings, opinions or facts, feelings and opinions are fine and as long as everything else is fact then that's fine.  In case you are sat there wondering "is it me?" the chances are that the answer is no, sorry.

Anyway, today I spent the most part of the morning on the phone, I spoke to a fried first, she has someone dear to her in the latter stages of cancer, it is so sad and it is easy to feel helpless because that's what you are.  It is so hard knowing you can't do anything other than wait for mother nature to take it's course, and hope it is swift.  I suppose we didn't have to suffer it for long, Steve's passing was relatively quick, it feels uncaring to see it 'written' down but until you experience it then you can't condemn it.  I won't explain, it is too painful and would take too long and I won't enter into debate about it either.

After that my next phone call was very different, funny, interesting and exciting all in one call.  Needless to say though I spent the largest part of my morning chatting.

This afternoon I logged on to work, I reduced my emails from well over 1200 up around 700, it's like looking at a time capsule.  I had a few emails today though, well not today but I saw them today from around the time Steve died, they really took the wind out of my sails, unexpectedly nice emails which made me think again, not just about Steve but also about what I have lost.  Not just though what I have lost but what his family have lost, his friends and his colleagues too.

About this I feel selfish really.  I have thought about my loss and that of his family and my family but what about his friends.  The friends who used to turn to him for support now have no one. The friends who would turn to Steve for advice and who would share secrets with him, he never told me who or what but I know he was always there for his mates.  I would like to think they can count me as a reasonable stand in for Steve but I know I cannot replace him or their history together and nor would I want to.  I guess I just realised they miss him too.

This evening I have been distracted again, not a bad thing I suppose but with the TV on in the background I am conscious that I no longer laugh at things I used to, I don't remember the last time I properly laughed, laughing without inhibition or worrying whether it is appropriate.

I do remember a time when I did laugh though.  It was the day after Stephens brain surgery last year.  Steve and I had booked tickets for a show in Bury, it's an LGBT event and we bought tickets for a friend and his hubby as a birthday present.  There was a local comedian, another comedian and some singers.  It was a good night despite everything else.  I wasn't going to go as it was the day after Steves surgery. He wanted me to go so I made a deal, I went to see him in the afternoon and depending on how well he was would depend on whether I went or not.  When I saw him in the afternoon he had made huge improvements from the previous night so I agreed to go.  

My parents went to see Steve that night and were amazed how well he was. He was discharged the following afternoon so that shows how quickly he made progress.  Major brain surgery on Wednesday and sent home with 36 surgical staples in his head on Friday.  That puts me in mind of another story though but I won't go in to it just now.

Anyway the show is on again this year, the same local comedian /compere and a few others, not sure if I can bring myself to go.  I want to as I had a really great laugh last year, the type of laughing which hurts your sides.  I am sure this year will be as funny but, (and there always seems to be a but), it is on the anniversary of Steve being given 12to 18 months to live.  I don't  know how I will feel.  I know Steve would want me to go again but I really don't know.  Here's the link: (not sure why the hyperlink won't work)

It's a tough decision.  I don't want a Harry Potter repeat though where I sob all the way through but, I know there are a whole heap on anniversaries to come.  I really don't know.  I want to..... but I don't.......

No point in stressing about a decision now anyway, I'd need to see who else is up for going so I can think about it another time.  It's bed time now.

Mark xXx


  1. *hugs*
    Please know that you are not alone and I've had those types of thoughts too.

    What would Steve want? Seemed last year even when he couldn't make it, he wanted you to go. To be there and laugh, perhaps for him as well.
    What about now? Perhaps he would want you to go again this year, to make a point of laughing on a day when you know it would be hard.

    I can't speak for him, or you two as a couple. I know it can be indescribable when the person you love cannot be there to enjoy life- the fact is that you still exist. You, as a separate person and as a human with their own needs.

    You have my thoughts and best wishes. Please I hope you will stay in touch.
    I hope you wake tomorrow with a smile as well.

  2. Tashi,
    for some reason blogger wont let me comment on your blog.... grrr. Here is the post I typed for the blog before last though xxxx

    Hi Tashi,

    I feel your pain. I completely understand and I guess I am lucky as my parents lived with us so they took care of many of the chores, (and still do mainly if I am honest).

    The friends that say, "if there is anything I can do to help...." I am sure you have many. Would any of them be prepared to come in through the week and help with some basic chores? You could use the time out for a luxurious bath, a walk with Wash or just a picnic in the garden with Wash anything other than the usual routine.

    It seems odd but as a carer we often dont want grand gestures, someone else easing the monotiny of routine can be a huge relief.

    Ask for or accept any help possible, even if family could come for a day and help I am sure you'd appreciate it.

    Sending hugs to you xxx Mark xxx