Monday, 27 June 2011

RE-POST: I Want to be....


I woke up this morning - with a headache as usual, but also a little grey
cloud hanging over me, I soon got rid of it, but it did leave me thinking.

My prognosis of 12-18 months, all be it a bit pants, takes me to March 2012.
One month before my 33rd birthday.

Now when I was younger I never wanted to get "old" and the 30's was old in
my eyes. But now I want to be 33, I want to be 53 and so on.

With my birthday coming up next weekend (just a reminder for you all.... its
next Sunday) it just made me think.

I have promised myself that I will get to 33, and am having a party, and it
will be a right royal two fingers up to Cancer as I can then say, at least I
beat you.

Team Steve 1 - Cancer 0

That's my little grey cloud for today, its blown away though now, and the
sun is shining through.

Will update later.


Reading this today has made me think, nothing new but just think that I have
been right in pointing out that Steve NEVER gave up he always stayed
positive as this shows, his thought passed in a moment, he noted it for
future reference but he wasn't going to let the it get the better of him.

I guess in part I am trying to convince myself that for me to get upset and
grieve for him for an extended period means that I too have let cancer win,
I will have let it get to me, to affect my life or even to hinder my life,
Cancer won't beat me either, I will try to be strong for Steve and not let
it win, I can't promise I will win the fight every day or every hour of
every day but I will try. He was so strong and positive I need to be too.

The doctor has today signed me off work for 2 weeks, I don't know if I will
feel better in two weeks but I will have to find a new norm soon. I spoke
to my boss earlier, he was there on Friday too and said how nice he thought
the service was. I turned to mush, just him mentioning Steve made me
crumble, hardly able to talk and tears running down my face,

Steve's Granny called this afternoon, she said how pleased she was with the
service and how peaceful she felt after it. I guess that was one of my
worries as Stephens service was unlike any other, no Vicar or Minister just
friends paying their last respects to a man they knew and loved.

After Granny called Shirley called from the Funeral home, she has been
brilliant and I am so pleased with all she has done for Steve. She will
call around later to sort a few things, that'll be good, she has a calming
influence on me, much like Steve did.

Well I might write more later, who knows, like I said I just saw this post
in Steve's "Sent Items" and it made me think.

1 comment:

  1. We know that you won't let the cancer win - you'll knock it out of the playing field. You are a positive and strong person. But please be kind to yourself too... as the song says 'a little rain has to fall sometime'... and though we all think you're superman undies outside your tights really isn't a good look :) But we do think that you are marvellous. Hugs xxx