like a bus, you wait for ages then two come at once!!!

well what a busy day it's been. I am exhausted now but I have had a lovely day and am back to thinking being single isn't all that bad. I still hate why I am single but I am getting used to it.

My train into London was early by a few minutes so my faith in rail travel has been restored. Virgin Trains seem to have a better handle on things than trans pennine, just a shame they don't operate more routes!

When I got to london I had a wander around and walked to the Canal Museum. I was there for 9.15 and it didn't open until 10.00 so I made my way back through Camden and on to Piccadilly. I took in some of the sights and shops along the way but I also made a decision on the show I was going to see.

I saw Wicked, http://www.wickedthemusical.co.uk/ it was brilliant! I was a little apprehensive as Steve and I used to perform one of the numbers in the show and the other is the soundtrack to a memorial slideshow a friend did but, tears aside, it was great. It made me laugh and made me cry but all for the right reasons. Steve would have loved it and having him with me, in person, would have been the only thing to make it better.

I walked across London to the theatre but stopped in Leicester Square and also taking time to wander around Covent Garden too. Steve and I had seen one of the street entertainers a while ago, his act hadn't changed!

After the show I walked back across London to the train and am now on the train on my way home. I am completely shattered but it's been worth it, a nice day out with myself!

Till next time...
Mark

Sent from my iPad

Time flies and another day trip...

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun. I don't know where this week has gone to, at this rate it will be Christmas again before I know it.

On Monday this week I was back to work, it was OK but a long day, or at least it felt that way. The rest of the week I have had a series of meetings with various individuals and organisations with work and have even managed to squeeze in some training too. Its been very busy which is why it's gone so quick.

On Wednesday and Thursday I went to see friends so it's been good to catch up with a few people I've not seen for a while. Last night, (Friday) I decided to call in to the shops on my way home and return some TV connectors I bought about 2 weeks ago but, on my way I received a call from my Dad saying he was heading to Wales as his Dad was poorly and may not make it through the weekend. My Grandfather is 87 and has been poorly for a while so whilst its still not nice news it's not a huge shock.

My parents set off for Wales when I got home last night so I had the house to myself. Its too big for one person. I made some phonecalls and was also surprised to get a text from a friend inviting me to go on holiday in Egypt. It was nice to be asked and, maybe at another time I'd have accepted but not this time unfortunately. It was still nice to be thought of and asked though.

This morning I have got up early and am en route to London. I have no agenda for London, it might be nice to see a matinee performance later today but I have not planned or booked tickets. I have a short list of shows I might like to see, the list is about 15 long and is mainly musicals, (this amuses me as I learned this week that a friend detests them and doesn't see the point in bursting into song... ) I'm travelling alone so I don't need to consider anyone else. Will this "please myself" attitude make me a selfish person in the end, I don't know.

Well thats my lot for now, no other news to report, I might update tonight on my way home from London and let you know what I ended up doing in London.

Bye for now,
M x

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The Wandering Widower Wanders Some More

Well it"s not been quite so long since my last post which is a bonus I guess as I know some people get a little miffed when I forget or omit to post a blog.

When I wrote last I was feeling a little blue. There are many reasons I guess but the good news is that I have been a lot better since then.

On friday I was later for work. My alarm went off at the right time but I fell asleep again and woke after 9.15. I am usually in the office before 9. Not a great start to the day and, it didn't get a lot better either.

After work I decided to go out and have a wander through the shops. There was nothing I needed but I just fancied a wander. I did manage to get some Issey Miyake aftershave though in one shop which had around £10 off the usual price, bargain! Because it reminds me so much of Steve, it's a favourite anyway and it brings thoughts of happy times I bought some, especially since I had run out of this at Christmas.

Strange thing is though just smelling it takes me, in my mind, to being stood aside Steve's open coffin and gazing down at him. Not perhaps a great thought for many people but it doesn't bother me, I suppose in a way thats not a bad memory because at tat point Steve was no longer in pain of suffering, it was just us suffering and in pain due to his loss. I'll still enjoy wearing the fragrance though.

On Saturday I was up early and out just after 7am to catch a tram in to town for the start of my weekend trip. Whilst buying my ticket and waiting for the machine to spit it out the tram had pulled up behind me and drove off before the machine dispensed my ticket - bugger! I was annoyed at the tram driver who clearly saw me!

There was another along though within 10 minutes so not too long a wait. Some may question why I bought a ticket as nobody really checks but, after the inspectors got on the tram I was on (and were clearly working that line for the day), I was pleased I did. I wouldn't fancy a fine.

My tram pulled in to Piccadilly at 8.26 and my train was due to leave at 8.26... Bugger I thought, the trip in had taken a lot longer than usual as it seemed there were problems due to frost with slow signalling etc.

I had checked the time of the next train en route so had a contingency in mind but, I trotted up to the platform all the same and, by a stroke of luck the train was delayed to 8.34 so I joined the crowd assembled.

To cut a long story short due to signalling issues en route the train didn't leave until 9.10 and then was terminated early for us to get on a rail replacement service between Huddersfield and Leeds then catch a further train to our final destination at Leeds.

The bus which was to collect us at Huddersfield was late, there were hundreds of people there and there was no organisation at all by the station staff, it really was a scramble and each man, woman r child for themselves. We were in the cold for easily 45 minutes which was more than slightly annoying. First Transpennine Rail were shockingly bad.

I eventually got to York almost two hours late. There was no point getting stressed about it as there was nothing I could do and it would be no different had I taken the car and there had been an accident on the motorway but what was bad was how poorly organised the rail company were. A shambles would be an understatement.

Once (finally) delivered to York I met with my friend and we went to Patisserie Valerie http://www.patisserie-valerie.co.uk/ for a coffee and cake.

After that we had a wander around the city walls of York http://www.yorkcitywalls.co.uk/ and did a little browsing through the many winding streets through the city before stopping for another coffee and snack and then heading back to my friends house for dinner.

Last night was sat and ate a lovely meal and had a good old natter over a bottle of wine and a G&T. We didn't stay up late as we were both zonked from an early start and a tiring day.

Today has really been a lazy day, after a cooked breakfast we just relaxed really and enjoyed not having a busy schedule. It's very relaxing there, in the middle of the countryside it's very quite, no distant hum like I get in the city.

Right now I am in the train home, again it's nice to let someone else drive whilst I sit here and catch up on my blog and generally do very little. I'm signing off for now but will be back soon....

That puts me in mind of a song from Oliver the musical where Fagin sings to the lads, "Cheerio but be back soon..." I can't remember much else but you get the

Bye for now,
Mark

Sent from my iPad

A lump in my throat and a metal heart

I suppose it's funny but it's little things like this that seem to keep me going.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, today is definitely a downer though so I hope tomorrow will be on the way up again ready for the weekend.

Work has been odd this week, i have had a few presentations to do offsite and they have been well received, I guess I am managing to put my issues aside and do work stuff and maintain that professional veneer. It's difficult though and I really feel like I am sliding back down that slippery slope I was at the bottom of a few months ago, I am gripping with my fingers to the positives and to the progress I've made but I feel like I'm on the edge and it wont take much to push me over. Right now, I have that horrible feeling in my throat, you know when you're about to cry but you are trying really hard not to? It's been there a while, days or weeks, I'm not sure but this week I am conscious of it.

On Tuesday this week my Mum visited a friend of hers, she and her sister were great with Steve and I throughout his journey and she is still there, making me smile. This week she sent home a little metal heart with my Mum for me, it's next to my hope heart in the picture.

It is very tactile and is very much like the chinese stress balls, it is heavy but hollow and has a chime inside so, as you move it in your hand it chimes, it's lovely and she said I should hold it and make it chime whenever I feel sad and the chime will be like Steve talking to me.... it's so thoughtful. A simple little thing but it made me smile.

I have been reading Steve's blog (it's this blog but from when Steve was writing it not me) from last year, it's interesting to me how we seemed a little naive. Stephen always said he knew the cancer would get him in the end but he was going to give it the run around for 5 or 10 years first. He never doubted that and neither did I. You can imagine the mixed thoughts I have about that right now.

Phew, and I was doing so well last week, I am accepting that I'm single, a widower or single, it means the same thing really. I hate why I am single but being single is OK I guess. I'd rather have Steve here but for now, if I can't have him I would rather be single. I guess this is me re-adjusting to my new "normal".

On another note I am looking forward to the weekend, I am meeting a friend in York on Saturday, I'm travelling up by train so it will be a stress free trip hopefully, we're going to be tourists for the day and then head back to his, his Mum has already prepared a nice meal, (it's in the freezer keeping fresh), and then I will catch a train home on Sunday. I actually enjoy going out and about on the train, it's so much easier, (not to mention cheaper), than driving. I'll be taking my camera too so I hope the weather is good, I have not seen the forecast.

Well, I think now it's time for me to have a shower and go to bed, I feel a little better for getting things off my chest. Sat here I am surrounded by pictures of Steve and I in happier times, sometimes they make me smile and other times they remind me what I, (and we), have lost. They made me feel a little sad earlier but now I have got my thoughts down they are making me smile. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

Before I go, I haven't forgotten my tattoo pic but, it's at the flaky stage for now so once it's settled I will take a pic and post it.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I will write soon.

M xx

Oooh, forgot to mention, if you know how to delete pics from the "photo stream" on iPhone and iPad please let me know - it will save me googling it..... Thank you xxx

Sent from my iPad

New Year and beyond

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago.  I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK.  My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices.  I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself.  It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance.  It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then.  I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met.  Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother.  I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little.  I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing.  I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night.  I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses.  I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey.  I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed.  No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January.  it was good to be back to work.  Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal. 

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before.  The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today.  I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old.  This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more.  I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

It's coming soon...

I'm conscious I need to blog but I need my sleep tonight, it's almost midnight.  I will write and upload pictures of my new tattoo soon but, in the meantime, let me share a few sentiments I saw online recently which have struck a chord with me.  They probably give a reasonable overview of where my mind is "at" at the moment.

Till next time,
M x

All ready for a New year and a new start...

My apprehension for new years eve is still there but, theres no point worrying about it as it will come and go this year as every year before.

As usual Steve has been in my thoughts a lot but in a good way not a bad way. Today more so than ever, I've been to get a new tattoo today, it's a memorial for Steve. I wanted it around my birthday but the tattooist was shut for Christmas so now I have it for new year. A fitting tribute I think.

My appointment was at 11.00 am this morning and I finally got out at around 3.15 this afternoon.... its not the biggest tattoo I have but it's the second largest, this is on my arm, I have three other tattoos too, the largest one is on my leg, I have one on my upper arm and the "bracelet" I had just after Steve died is on my wrist. This new one is on my forearm. I like it a lot and will post a picture in the next few days and will also explain it.

I feel better having this, as odd as it may seem, its just another reminder of Steve I will have on my person at all times.

The new year will bring a new start, new challenges and hopefully a few other new things too, all in all I am feeling pretty positive about it. I know it's going to get off to a good start, not intuition but more a "secret shared" but I will continue to keep it quite until it's allowed to be public news. It's really quite exciting.

I've decided tomorrow I will be avoiding the festivities by going out for the evening on my own in the car, avoiding people completely.

Well, not a lot else to report so, I shall take this opportunity to wish you a happy new year and that 2012 brings all you can hope for.

Love to you all,
M x

Sent from my iPad

Yay! Blog time again...

What a busy few days it's been, well quite a few busy days really. Looking at this my last entry was when I went to Edinburgh, it was lovely there and I have already booked to go back in February. I will be going to London in January for a day trip too.

After Edinburgh I spent most of the week leading up to Christmas being extremely busy. I worked every day and then most nights ended up doing a little shopping for the festive feast.

On Friday I got home for 3ish and tidied up a little, all my shopping was done so on friday I started prepping for my day of cooking.

On Christmas eve I continued and cooked for most of the day, all in all I made:
* Carrot soup with roast pepper and onion
* Pate with cranberry, orange and whisky
* Cranberry orange and walnut stuffing
* Baileys cheesecake
* Christmas pudding ice cream
* Sausage rolls
* Mince pies
These were all of course part of the meal I made for 8 of us on Christmas day.

I spent a large part of the day alone, with christmas music on and crying continuously as I prepared and cooked and reminisced about Christmases past and thought about how much Steve would have loved to be in the kitchen with me . I suppose I did feel better for having my meltdown, the huge outpouring of grief I experienced was not then offloaded on to others. I know some find my grief unpalatable.

I cooked the 9 kilo turkey on christmas eve and after finally emptying the oven at 11.30 pm I decided not to cook any more and to make a start the following morning so got to bed just after midnight.

Before I went to bed I decided to light the chinese lantern I had prepared. I wrote a letter to Steve on it's fine rice paper shell and lit the fuel before watching the warm flickering, glowing lantern float gracefully skyward and in to the far distance. I watched for a long while as it faded in to the distance like a golden star, much different to the white ones which were residing in their usual location. I have another for New Years Eve and have shared some with family and friends too so they also can send messages to their loved ones. Although I know Steve will not get to read my message and cannot reply I found writing him a note and sending it in this way helped me feel more connected, at least for a short time.

Christmas Day. All in all the day was OK. It started slowly and peacefully at home with my parents, we were all mindful of Steve. We relaxed with a cup of tea before our guests arrived.

Steve's parents, Granny and two friends arrived around noon and we cracked open the wine. The lunch went without significant incident, everybody ate well, the conversation seemed to flow and all in all it was quite pleasant. There was obviously one exception, one glaring absence but, although we all felt it we didn't labor the point, perhaps for my peace of mind or perhaps to spare the discomfort of others. After dinner conversation flowed too but by 8 pm our guests had all left. I snuggled into my lounging clothes and watched TV.

On Boxing Day I was up early and cooking again, a Thai Red Curry and a Korma, an easy choice really as there were 9 of us for Dinner in the evening so it was a simpler choice. My Sister arrived with her husband and two more friends around 3pm, presents were exchanged, (they did an excellent job of choosing them) and the alcohol flowed again. It was lovely to catch up and sit, relax and chat.

I got to bed around 3am as after everyone went to bed I emptied and loaded the dishwasher again and tidied up a little. I got up before 8 the morning after though (yesterday) so last night I was in bed early, around midnight, and today has been a relaxing day. I've 'tidied' my computer up and spent time catching up with a few things online.

I have not decided what to do tomorrow. I will decide when I get up. It's odd, although I still think of Steve a lot I am finding my "level" I think so although the past few days have been tough I don't feel like my grief is out of control. I'm dreading new year but I am looking forward to January 1st, the significance of a new year and a new start.

I hope to write again before the end of 2011.

Love to you and yours,
Mark xxx

Sent from my iPad

Travelling again

Yay! Another blog entry, it's because I'm sat on the train, have read my magazine an have some spare time.

Today I've been to Edinburgh. In part it was my treat to myself for my birthday, it's somewhere Steve and I loved so would like to think he'd have arranged something similar.

I set off from home before 6 this morning and, (because of power failures at carstairs, didn't get to Edinburgh until 11am! I was supposed to be there at 9.20! Still I guess that's just the way it rolls sometimes.

My first item on the agenda was a trip up Scot monument, 297 steps up to the top of the tower all on a spiral staircase!

There were 3 or 4 'landings' on the way up which afforded photo opportunities but it was VERY narrow when it got to the top! Oh, did I mention too that I HATE heights, my knees wobble and I am just not comfortable with it. It this was something I did for Steve.

When we were together in Edinburgh last out friends ended up climbing the Monument, Steve wanted to too but, as we'd done a lot of walking already and he was about to start month 5 of his chemotherapy regime he was far too tired to do it. We said we'd do it next time we went when he was better. Today I did it for him, it was well and truly out of my comfort zone but I did it for Steve.

Following that I wandered up to the castle, it's sort of a ritual I guess, something we always did. On the way back down I called in at Steve's favourite chippy and had haggis and chips with salt n sauce, (it's a Scottish thing which Steve introduced me to).

After that I made my way to Jenners. It's a department store and again, Steve's favourite. He loved it there at Christmas, they have a large atrium so always have a huge real tree which is easily in excess of 50 ft. I bought a few small bits and then ventured out on to Princes Street.

The buzz of the city was lovely today, they have the European markets there much the same as they do in Manchester but in addition in Princes Park they have a small fairground with a big wheel, (not as tall as the Scott monument but standing an impressive 115ft (which is 35 metres, I'm not a geek but the info board mentioned it).

In addition to this there was a "fair trade" marquee and another selling ethically sourced goods. There were reindeer, a samba band, choirs, a ski slope and ice rink and a whole host of other things. I enjoyed the atmosphere and it did go some way to Making me feel Christmassy, that was until the brass band started.

As the band started I felt the mellow tones of the brass instruments envelop me and with it the grief came too. In that moment of good cheer and festive spirit I was consumed by the loss of my soulmate. I can't explain why or how this happened it just did. As tears rolled down my face I walked on and away from this magic crying music.

Until that moment I had been enjoying the trip down memory lane, the celebratory atmosphere and just the feeling I'd had of having made progress and being able to do something positive for myself but still with Steve in mind. I guess I'll just have to accept that this is how life will be from now on.

The journey home has been good, trains were on time and it only took a little over 3 hours to get back to Manchester. I'm off the train and on the tram now and should be home in 20 minutes or so.

I'm going to sign off for now, it's been another day of mixed emotions but, overall, I think it's been pretty positive.

Until next time,
xxxMarkxxx

Sent from my iPhone

Significant Six?

Hello, well I didn't promise I would get back to daily blogging I just promised I would try. I guess I failed, well this week at least.

As usual I have not written as its not been a great time. Last weekend my Mum decided to decorate the house for Christmas. Usually I would love it and so would Steve, in fact after he was diagnosed last year we all offered to cancel Christmas for Steve as we understood he may not feel like it. He was horrified! He loved Christmas and loved Christmas here even more as it's always been great here.

The tree decorating usually takes a while and that's with Steve and I joining in. This year I went out, I didn't feel Christmassy at all. It took my mum from 9am through to around 7pm just to do the tree and the staircase. Usually I do the three fireplaces, I didn't this year.

Instead I went out and bought a small tree, I knew Steve would have been disappointed if I didn't do something and after all, I spent ages making Christmas decs.

I decorated it once everyone had gone to bed last Saturday. On Sunday Mum asked me to do the garlands over the fireplace as I always have. I declined, I really felt mean but I was just not feeling the Christmas love, (and am still not). I feel I have done well, buying the rest of the Christmas prezzies, wrapping them, buying, writing and sending cards and even putting a tree up so I don't feel guilty about not going that extra mile.

After Mum spent the day on Sunday finishing decorating and doing the garland over the main fireplace time was called on the other two so what's done is done and what's not is not.

I spent Sunday wrapping the last of the Christmas presents so everything is done apart from the festive food.

I guess in a way getting sorted last weekend has left this week open for me to do other things. I've caught up with friends and had a very busy week at work. Partly a conscious decision as this week was always going to be tough so, with enough distraction I have managed not to crumble today. Not yet anyway.

You see today marks six months since Stephen died. Not a great milestone but one which I dreaded. Six months is a long time and although time has gone quickly there are some things that surprise me.

It surprises me that it's six months since I saw Steve smile and held him in my arms, my memories are so clear and it seems so recent at the same time I feel like I have been carrying this weight of grief on my shoulders for much longer.

The months have gone so fast, it's been a blur but there are bits which I play over and over again in slow motion in my mind.

I don't really know how I feel right now, numb, detached and tense to name a few emotions but it's just dawned on me, I should have perhaps opened some wine, not to mourn his passing but to celebrate the life we shared. Maybe later and maybe something stronger.

For now I think that's all I can write, I'll light a candle for Steve again tonight and will cherish the memories I have of a lovely life shared but lost too soon.

Goodnight, xx Mark xx

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It gets harder

I know it's been a while since I've written but things have been tough but not sure why they would be more tough now than previously and I don't really think that it's due to Christmas although it may be.  

I think there is apprehension there but perhaps approaching Stevens anniversary too as it's almost 6 months since he died that's quite daunting. 

Since my last post there is not really a lot to write about although I have written my Christmas cards  I did that last week, they have not all been posted yet but that was very tough it was difficult just writing from Mark on the card instead of from Steve and Mark.

Sitting at my desk I was again overwhelmed by feelings of grief, as I said I just think its the realisation that there is just me now.  It was the same a few days before when I was wrapping presents and writing the tags, Steve helped choose some of them but many he didn't.

The general buzz around Christmas is difficult too.  Many people fussing over what to buy their loved one this year. I can't buy mine anything.  People are whizzing about trying to cram as much as possible in to their time before Christmas and worrying about what to buy, they forget that they are losing the best gift they could ever give a loved one, time.  

Time spent chatting, sitting or just watching the world go by is what memories are made of.  Who wants to be remembered for being busy all the time and not having a minute to spare?  It's good to be productive but not at the expense of precious time with family and friends. 

How many times have you prioritised work over your family or worse still, spent time with your family in person but not in mind as you are too drained from the pressures of work to be able to enjoy that time?

For that I am grateful to Steve.  We always had time for each other, yes we worked long hours but we knew out limits and we often opted out of our routine for a night of togetherness in front of a movie or an evening out.

These past few weeks have been difficult, I don't know when they will get better but I am confident they will.

I came home last night and after cooking I settled to watch a film.  I saw the first 10 minutes and the last 20 and fell asleep in between.  I missed a few phone calls, text and emails in that time though.  I must have needed the rest.

I am at a meeting this afternoon and it's due to start in 10 minutes but I was very early so have used the time to blog... I will write again soon I just don't know how soon xxxx

Bye for now,
M x

Sent from my iPhone

And so it ends...

The weekend is over and now it's time to look forward to another busy week at work. No complaints though as it seems busy is just going to be the theme from now till Christmas.

On Thursday last week I had a busy day at work, so much so I was over an hour later than usual leaving which meant I had less time in the evening. That's not usually a problem but on Thursday I had to iron my clothes and pack my bag for my weekend away.

I tried to catch up with a few things before I left but as usual I ran out of time.

On Friday I was up and out early to catch my train, the train journey was around 4.5 hours to Norfolk, about the same length of time as it would take to drive.

When I got to Norwich I was met by my Sister and a friend. We made our way in to the city and went for lunch, it was lovely to sit and catch up as I've not seen either of them since Steve's funeral. We chatted for a while and then ha a wander through some of the shops there. By 5 we were heading for another stop, this time a cup of tea and a muffin. We sat and chatted for what felt like a short time but before we knew it, it was 7pm and the place was closing so we made out way back to the car.

As I was staying with a friend my Sister and brother in law came sound too and we all ate together, it was lovely again to catch up and just enjoy each others company oh and we did manage to sink a few Gin's!

On Saturday we all headed off to a country craft fayre. It was nice and great for getting ideas for the things I like to make. There was of course a few things which make you question, "who buys this stuff?" but, overall it wa good. One in particular was a guy who made jewellery from coins, I saw some with my year of birth and instinctively looked for Steve's too. I guess I have still not quite got out of the habit of shopping with Steve in mind. I wonder if I ever will?

Today, following a hearty breakfast we all headed off to Croma . A brisk and fresh walk along the prom, down the pier and then up the beach with my Sisters dog. Again it was nice to be out and about.

This afternoon it was time to head home so my friends dropped me at the train station to catch the 17.21 bus (a rail replacement service to Peterborough due to works on the line). That was the time printed on the ticket, it was only when I got to Norwich I was told I should be on the 17.21 from Peterborough which means I should have been on the 15.00 bus! A complete balls up!!!

As I had missed the last direct train to Manchester I am now en route to Leeds where I will need to get a train to Manchester oh and the best part, (note the hint of sarcasm) , is that I'll have to pay AGAIN for the journey a it's a different route and I am also having to stand for the trip! Joy!!

All in all though it's not put a dampener on the weekend. I have enjoyed spending it with friends and family. The last time I visited Norfolk was with Steve in February and before that in August 2010 just a week before our brain tumour journey began. I hope nothing happens a week after this trip.

Well thats about it for now, I'll probably tell you tomorrow what time I eventually get home....

Bye for now
M x

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Surprise!

No matter how well I think I am doing my grief often takes me by surprise. Be that a glimpse of something Steve would love, a slight hint of a fragrance Steve wore or a snippet of a song he sang along to, they are all bitter reminders.

I miss him more with each passing hour and every day I learn of more reasons I miss him. Today I miss his knowledge of Manchester. Although not a Mancunian he knew his way around the city. Today I had a business meeting and had to rely on my trusty iPhone to direct me instead of Steve.

As I stepped off the tram in St Peters Square the Midland Hotel caught my attention. It has been bedecked with Christmas lights. It reminded me immediately of a picture Steve took of the Midland with its lights on. His office was next door to it and for him their lights signalled the start of Christmas. There it was, another stab in the heart. I never thought I'd get emotional over some white lights on a hotel.

I know some people are growing tired of my grief, I am too. I don't plan these reminders, those I can prepare for, browsing a photo album or opening letters addressed to Steve are easy to deal with. It's the ones that creep up on you and take you by surprise that are hardest to deal with.

I want to be happy, I want to laugh and for the most part I manage that, at least on the outside. I don't mean I want to forget, I never will, the hole Steve left in my heart when he died cannot be filled but I know things will get easier. Eventually.

After this afternoons event I spent some time chatting with a friend. It was great to chat, we do t get to meet up very often but it's always good to chat to her.

I've had a busy evening again tonight though. Some friends called around so, after they left I had a few things to sort and then changed the bed linen as I had hoped to yesterday. It's now almost 11pm and its me time. Again the evening has flown by and I still have so much to do before the weekend.

Maybe one day I will write about how I have relaxed for the whole day and done nothing. Maybe, but I don't see it being any time soon!

Well it's bedtime for me now, goodnight. Sending love to you all and particularly anyone suffering a loss, I know being a Gay Widower is a lonely place.

xxMxx

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Tea.

Yes it's an odd one isn't it.  Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story).  Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed.  by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature.  This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too.  Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was.  It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us.  We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc.  by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower.  As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night.  Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that.  I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy.  We worked well as a couple on and off stage.  We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways.  From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time.  I have to do those alone now.  I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped.  Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had.  I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork. 

It's both therapeutic and difficult.  Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too.  Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too).  Oh dear...  Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.



It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.



Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often


laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying


that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy


Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic


and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a


little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.



Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.



Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.



Friday was difficult



On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.



On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.



Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

Time flies.....

It's been a few days.  Not bad for me eh.  It's just struck me tonight that my Grandfather died 25 years ago.  I can't say I remember him like it was yesterday but I do have clear memories of him.  I miss him too, I remember his funny ways, family members reading will know what I mean.   I got on to that train of thought by thinking about my Nan who had to deal with Christmas just 6 weeks after her husband died, I have it looming just 6 months after Steve died and it is daunting to say the least.  Part of me is excited about Christmas  but part of me is dreading it.  I want to be busy cooking on Christmas day but also want to be able to stay in bed hiding from the world all day if I want to.  I don't know how I will manage with it yet. Today has been an ok sort of day.  Work was horrible, after a team meeting this morning my manager commented how quiet I was about the newest announcement.  I explained it by stating how my priorities in life have changed. Some things are not important to me any more and after over two years of trying to get my point across I have given up I guess.  That I guess is because of the new life lessons I learned after Steve died. I did receive a call at work today though from an agent who used to book Steve and I on a regular basis.  Steve would talk to him a few times a week about bookings even after his diagnosis Steve used to book acts for him.  Basically he was asking if I would be going back on stage.  He said a lot of complimentary things which was nice and to hear his refer to Steve and I in such pleasant terms was nice, not least because in a way it is nice to know Steve is still missed and that the "show is circle" is feeling our loss too.  Maybe it's wrong of me but it is comforting to know my loss is shared with others too outside of the family circle. Not a lot of other news to share.  I called to visit friends tonight, as usual one half of the couple was at work.  All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.  Steve and I learned that lesson the hard way.  You're a long time dead and do you want to be remembered for all the missed opportunities and lonely nights waiting for work to end or for the way in which, despite a demanding job, you managed to make time for friends' family and loved ones? I'm a fine one to talk, I saw some friends on Sunday I have not seen for a very long time.  I have been bad at staying in touch with friends for a long while but, I keep referring back to the saying:- Friends are like stars, you don't have to see them to know they are there. With that in mind I am going to bed, take a look / have a listen, this is the song for where I am "at" right now.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsYJKWHastc&feature=youtube_gdata_player Nite nite readers,  xxxMxxx

Sew busy...

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc.  I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc.  The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly.  It hurts.  I miss him.  I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle.  I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening!  I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts...  =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching.  I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting.  It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity.  Amazing really.  Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged.  Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry.  Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy.  It's good I guess.  On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him.  He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself.  We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon.  We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great.  He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head.  Something Steve had always been.  I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre.  It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor.  Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking.  I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely.  I also busied myself making a roast dinner too.  All very nice even if I do say so myself.  In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings.   It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too.  We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community.  It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio.  It was a song played at Steves funeral.  On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU.  The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him.  Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car.  Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car.  Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc.  Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff.  A drag queen getting their hands dirty?  Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer.  A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally.  Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year.  You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan.  this was last nights activity.  I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others.  Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them.  Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind.  I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline.  Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year.  Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked.  He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern.  It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer?  Remember he passed in June).  Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use.  With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly.  The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat.  There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends. 

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life.  I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live.  His and mine.  I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed.  The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact  BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad.  Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came.  they stayed till the end.  I almost flooded my bed!  I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me.  that's all I will say.  If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain. 

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown.  I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more. 

Today has been an OK day.  Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment.  Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back.  On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work.  Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it.  I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages.  All good stuff.  I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it.  I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around.  I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company.   I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me.  On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do.  I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all





The benefit of hindsight....

It's great isn't it? Unlike this blogging site as I have written this post once and it's disappeared into the ether without trace.... Doh!

Anyway, on reading Steves blog from this day last year, <a href="http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday.html">click here</a> I wondered what Steve would do?

This day last year we took our friends to the airport to set off for their holiday in India for 2 weeks. Steve and I were supposed to go on the same flight but we were going for 3 weeks and had worked long hours and had looked forward to three weeks of rest and relaxation. The choice was simple, go on holiday and not receive the necessary treatment or stay, continue with chemo and radiotherapy and hope for the best.

We stayed. I don't regret that but as I said, I wonder what Steve's view would be? Especially since just over 7 months later he died anyway.

Looking at this week last year in the blog has been interesting for me. Happy memories of a Jamaican feast with friends and of the photo shoot Steve wanted to have before he started to 'look' I'll. We had pics done with both sets of parents and together. They are now some of the most cherished pictures I have. After the shoot we took our parents for a nice meal. Steve was brilliant that night, he tired but still stayed smiley as he wanted the olds to have a nice time.

A friend pointed something out to me recently on seeing a picture of Steve and I at my Sisters wedding and a picture of us from the photo shoot. The comment basically reflected that in the wedding pic of a few years ago there is visible and genuine happiness in our faces but the pics from last October whilst smiley do not show happiness. I understand. The October pics show love and compassion but are still of their time and I can see the hidden emotions too.

That's it now though, the melancholy has hit so it is time for bed. I know it is early but I need some me time, I haven't had much lately, in fact none. It's been a tough few days, work is pulling me down too. That and a suicidal "friend" expecting sympathy as they've taken an overdose and is in hospital. Steve didn't get a choice on living or dying and I would have given anything for him to be here, absolutely anything. It pisses me off to hear of someone wanting to throw their life away. I know there are issues but right now I can't help with them, not whilst I am dealing with my own grief. I doubt I will hear from the "friend" again as I shared that opinion in response to the message I had telling me about being in hospital.

I'm off to bed, goodnight xxxx M xxxx

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