Phew, hasn't time gone quickly. It's been a week since I posted last. It's been a great week too.
I know in my previous post I eluded to why I have been very happy of late and that happiness and smileyness has continued. and, I hope it will continue for very much longer too.
Back to last week though, on Tuesday Jonathan invited me to see Steps. I knew it would be a late night but, it seemed even later after being woken at 3am to be told my Dad was being taken to hospital with "Chest pains". He's had a heart attack before so obviously your mind thinks the worse. As it turned out it was an angina attack but still, being woken so early meant I was sapped of energy for Steps.
Before I went I would have insisted that I knew very few of their songs and knew none of their dance routines. By the end of the concert, whilst I could re-confirm I knew none of the dance routines, I knew all of their songs, well at very least all of those they sung in concert.
It was a lovely night and it was fun to see that Jonathan knew all of the routines as well as the words. I watched in near amazement of every perfectly choreographed move and gesture, as I said though it was also fun to see. In part because his energy and enthusiasm was extremely contagious!
My week seemed to be taking a turn for the worse on Wednesday when I received a call from home saying there was water leaking in through the bedroom ceiling so off I went to sort that too. On Thursday I was up and out early for a breakfast meeting, it started at 7.15 which is really not when I function best, I prefer evenings. I had a full day though of meetings and things to sort for work but, fingers crossed, they will all fall in to place later today ready for an event I am working on tomorrow and Wednesday.
Friday was a long day at work, fighting tiredness from the week I struggled to get through the day, so much so that when I got home I dozed off whilst watching the news. After J arrived home we decided to go out and have a few drinks. We headed off into town and had a lovely time. There was no agenda, no plans to meet up with anyone but, we managed to bump into some friends and ended up being out until the early hours of Saturday morning. It was nice not to have an agenda.
Following a late start on Saturday it was nice to see some more friends and then head out for dinner and a browse around the shops before a relaxing night in. I think that has been something we have both enjoyed over recent weeks. The chance to relax with no agenda or timescale to work to.
On Sunday we had another lazy morning but then called to visit family, and friends before heading into Manchester to attend a party. Steve's Mum got to meet Jonathan along with a few other friends too, so again it was just nice to be able to spend time together with no agenda. We ended up snuggling on the sofa again last night with a bottle of wine and a film before a reasonable early night. I was up for 5.30 this morning so it wasn't a late night.
I think, in part, that’s what has been nice about the past few weeks, the chance to sit, relax and do very little other than being happy in the company of someone that makes you smile. It sounds sickly sweet, I suppose it is, but it's still been nice. We've made each other happy and I hope it continues for a very long time to come. There are still a lot of things to sort for us both but those will sort themselves out in time, for now we're just enjoying life.
Well, that’s about all my news for now, I'm off to sort a few more things before I dash off to collect some things from a supplier for work so I will write soon, I hope you've had or are having a lovely day wherever you are and whatever you're up to.
Xx M xX
Monday, 16 April 2012
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
Laziness
Another weekend has passed, this one was a long one. I have been in hibernation though for most of it, in a good "taking time out" way not in a "woe is me" way.
Sent from my iPad
Friday was a very lazy day, I felt ill all day and whilst I was inspired to be a little creative, (that's something I will blog about properly in due course), I still managed to spend most of the day relaxing and part of it dozing whilst watching dodgy TV. I did feel better in the evening though but had a reasonably early night.
On Saturday I was up at a decent time and then, after I sorted, packed and posted a load of eBay stuff I headed out to the shops. After a spot of lunch there were a few Easter deliveries to sort, then, with that all done it was off home for a relaxing night in front of the TV. Some classic films.
Sunday was great, yet another lazy day, (you may be sensing a theme here). A lovely lazy day not bothering to get dressed until 4pm, ready for dinner with friends at 5pm. It wasn't really a boozy night, it was a lovely night though.
Today has been yet another lazy-ish day. A walk in the rain along the canal before a hearty roast dinner.
On reflection it has been a great weekend. Back to work tomorrow though and there's loads to catch up on as I have a big event planned for next week at work so I'm just pulling the final bits together, flyers and staff uniform etc
Well , that's me done really for this post, I will be back soon
Xx M xX
Sent from my iPad
Thursday, 5 April 2012
Just a quick update before bed.
Today has been a lovely day, the weather has been glorious and, following a late start to the day I went in to the office and got a few things sorted but felt awful. I was happy but physically I felt really groggy with a thick headache.
Sent from my iPad
I rarely have a headache but I did today, I took a couple of pills and left the office just before 3pm. Fortunately I live close to work so was in bed for 3.10
I had called Jonathan on the way home and he said he was tired too. He called around late this afternoon before going to see his friend and it was lovely to see him, it wasn't planned and I like that, I have never been 'stand offish' if I like someone then I enjoy and appreciate our time together and, I am pleased he seems to feel happy to just enjoy the spontaneity of life too.
When he left this evening I called to see some friends too, on the way home I called into the express store to get something to eat. I ended up with a sandwich and a bar of chocolate, I really couldn't be bothered cooking and a takeaway was of no interest to me.
I've slouched on the sofa tonight with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea, I'm on to my second cup now (woo! No work tomorrow and celebrating with Tea! This really IS the high life!) and the Adele concert is being aired on TV so the volume is almost full blast and I'm singing along despite trying to drink tea and type at the same time. I think she is beautiful, both in terms of looks and such a soulful voice. Oh, and I even managed a little dance with myself (I could fib and say I danced with the cat), on my way back to the sofa with a brew. Right now I am doing a sort of chair dance as I type and sing....
Well that's about all for now, I still have a fuzzy head so after Adele has finished I think I will head off to bed and have sweet dreams of sweet dreamy things.
Goodnight,
M x
Sent from my iPad
Cooking....
Again, it's been a few days since I updated my blog and a lot has happened, well, it feels like a lot.
Sent from my iPad
On Saturday after my last blog was published it generated quite some interest and a fair amount of feedback too. Not all of it welcome or positive. I understood the reasons though.
If you've read the last few entries you'll have noticed my complete change in focus. This is quite simply due to meeting someone who, I am surprised to say, has completely turned my world upside down.
Many people since Steve passed have said I would meet someone else and I was dead set against it. No way, never! We're my initial thoughts but over the months my views have changed to yes, maybe one day.
After meeting Jonathan I now think that the 'one day' I envisaged as a long way off is here now. Jonathan is a great guy and I am already very happy with him and am looking forward to a bright and exciting future.
Unfortunately, as we know not all things in life are straight forward and this story is no exception. Jonathan has split from his partner, it's not for me to discuss here but clearly Jonathan adjusted to his situation quicker than his previous partner.
I don't need to elaborate on the situation as its not my place to discuss their business but I am pleased to say that what was turning in to a stressful and highly charged situation has now cooled somewhat. Whilst I have no desire to be caught in any 'crossfire' I will still be there to support Jonathan. Fortunately now it seems things can be resolved in an amicable fashion.
Both parties want to remain friends as they have a lot of history together and this can be achieved, it can be difficult but I am pleased to count at least two of my previous partners as friends now. The latest being as a direct result of Stephen defending my ex! Typical Steve, always the peacemaker.
Anyway, moving on from that tonight (Wednesday) I am cooking for Jonathan. I really enjoy cooking for someone else and Steve was always a willing guinea pig for my trials. I hope Jonathan won't object to being a guinea pig too, I sort of guess he won't. Right now whilst I am typing this I have some things simmering on the job and I am supping Babycham. Things are good and I am happy.
Well I've just had a text from Jonathan, he's been texting me all day, 11 hours to go, 9 hours, 5 hours etc all on countdown to being here and collecting the huge hug I have waiting for him. I love his excitement, it is very endearing and I mean that in a good way not a patronising way.
I'll no doubt update over the weekend, I am actually also going to let Jonathan read this before I post it as I really don't want to rock the boat for him and cause any stress but I really do want to shout from the rooftops about how happy he has made me and how lovely I think he is.
Bye for now,
M x
Sent from my iPad
Saturday, 31 March 2012
Significant for the right reasons
Well I've debated this blog entry in my head for a few days now. I could explain why but because my blog is reflective of my life and of those around me whom I care about it is difficult.
I would like to point out, or perhaps highlight for newer readers, that this blog started to form some 18 months ago as a way to communicate with friends over the progression of a terminal illness. Since then it has become so much more and has been referred to by others as an inspiration, a comfort and a glimmer of hope. John F. Kennedy once said, "We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes".
That's where I am at right now I guess. I am hopeful. Hopeful of a future that is as bright and as sunny as these past few days. There are many reasons for this renewed hope, including the weather, a change of attitude and a chance meeting at a business function recently.
I've pondered whether the chance meeting is a chance meeting or fate playing it's part. There is little doubt that it is fate. The circumstances and situations around us both are complex and, had this chance meeting happened just one month earlier then it may not have been significant but right now, attending that one business event has had a significant affect on my life.
I am trying not to be cryptic, it is simply that someone has come in to my life and reminded me what it is like to live, to smile and to be happy again. I feel and hope the feeling is reciprocated and right now I am enjoying this new phase of my life.
Is it a happy ending to a tale about a terminal illness or is it a new beginning.... hopefully it will be both.
As I mentioned though before, the situation is complex, there are real people and emotions on the peripheries who are or may be finding it difficult to adjust but, for me this isn't about moving on or forgetting Steve but respecting him and in a way thanking him for reminding me life is too short to be unhappy.
A few months ago I could never have imagined being in this situation, with a chance to take a second bite of the happiness cherry but here I am on unfamiliar territory, a happy place. I could go on but I wont, for now.
Aside from that snippet of info things are normal. I say snippet but for me it is very important. For a start it features here, there's so much trivia I censor from my blog so yes, this is more than a fleeting fad.... I hope.
Work this week has been OK, a lot of meetings and quite a lot of stuff to sort through really but it has been OK. My "reward" came today in the form of a networking lunch at the Midland Hotel a fancy hotel, and a fancy schmancy lunch too. I really like it there and Steve always reminded me how it is where Mr Rolls met Mr Royce. They've had loads of famous guests and to me it is the type of place you host a function where you are looking to impress people. It's just lovely. Apart from that though it is next door to Steve's old office,it was odd walking past there but it felt good too. Good that it didn't "creep me out" or make me feel uneasy, it simply brought a warm smile and happy memories so again this re-assures me that life is getting better, so much so in fact I have to pinch myself sometimes to check if its real. It is and I am!
Have a great weekend whatever you're up to xxx
Mark
I would like to point out, or perhaps highlight for newer readers, that this blog started to form some 18 months ago as a way to communicate with friends over the progression of a terminal illness. Since then it has become so much more and has been referred to by others as an inspiration, a comfort and a glimmer of hope. John F. Kennedy once said, "We should not let our fears hold us back from pursuing our hopes".
That's where I am at right now I guess. I am hopeful. Hopeful of a future that is as bright and as sunny as these past few days. There are many reasons for this renewed hope, including the weather, a change of attitude and a chance meeting at a business function recently.
I've pondered whether the chance meeting is a chance meeting or fate playing it's part. There is little doubt that it is fate. The circumstances and situations around us both are complex and, had this chance meeting happened just one month earlier then it may not have been significant but right now, attending that one business event has had a significant affect on my life.
I am trying not to be cryptic, it is simply that someone has come in to my life and reminded me what it is like to live, to smile and to be happy again. I feel and hope the feeling is reciprocated and right now I am enjoying this new phase of my life.
Is it a happy ending to a tale about a terminal illness or is it a new beginning.... hopefully it will be both.
A few months ago I could never have imagined being in this situation, with a chance to take a second bite of the happiness cherry but here I am on unfamiliar territory, a happy place. I could go on but I wont, for now.
Aside from that snippet of info things are normal. I say snippet but for me it is very important. For a start it features here, there's so much trivia I censor from my blog so yes, this is more than a fleeting fad.... I hope.
Work this week has been OK, a lot of meetings and quite a lot of stuff to sort through really but it has been OK. My "reward" came today in the form of a networking lunch at the Midland Hotel a fancy hotel, and a fancy schmancy lunch too. I really like it there and Steve always reminded me how it is where Mr Rolls met Mr Royce. They've had loads of famous guests and to me it is the type of place you host a function where you are looking to impress people. It's just lovely. Apart from that though it is next door to Steve's old office,it was odd walking past there but it felt good too. Good that it didn't "creep me out" or make me feel uneasy, it simply brought a warm smile and happy memories so again this re-assures me that life is getting better, so much so in fact I have to pinch myself sometimes to check if its real. It is and I am!
Have a great weekend whatever you're up to xxx
Mark
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Is it possible to overdose on this?
That's what I am finding myself thinking right now. Better than any drug I am of course referring to happiness. Things have taken a distinct upward turn lately. Life is much brighter and I have started to notice a glimpse in the mirror of a Mark I once knew some 18+ months ago before Cancer brought my world crashing down around me.
There have been happier times over that period but for the main I have become used to a certain numbness. That seems to be lifting, like a chick breaking out of its shell so I am emerging from the fog.
I know what has caused this change and for now, as it's a new change, and a new outlook for me I am going to keep it under wraps. I will share with you once the time is right but rest assured that despite some difficult and challenging situations around me, not least the lack of a buyer for our house, I am still managing to smile and rediscover the happiness within.
Work is ticking along nicely and other things are moving around me. There is so much I could write. For now though I'm going to sign off and I'll write soon but, before I go, I'd like to say thank you to all my/our family and friends, in person and online, who have borne with me through the bleak times. I really appreciate all the support I've received.
Xx M xX
Sent from my iPad
Monday, 26 March 2012
A Wonderful Weekend!
Well all I can say is that Spring has Sprung and a things are good. There's still part of me wondering how life would be with Steve now and how it was but it's less acute. I look around now and feel his influence in the people around me and those I'm drawn to and are drawn to me. I think Steve may be working some magic, I hope helping the house to sell is on his agenda too.
On Friday I had a nice day in work, meetings all day and then back to the office till late but it was all good. It was a beautiful sunny day and it matched my sunny mood.
On Saturday H and I were off on a mini gay adventure. We went to Scarborough for the day. I'd never been before and it was lovely. The train journey was 2 hours from Manchester and H and I chatted the whole time or more like she listened as I gave her LOADS of updates.
When we got there we went shopping first for a hat for H. Not a sun hat and not for a wedding but for a day at the races next month. We laughed about it being a sign of 'growing up' when a lady has her first hat... She's decided that given the amount of money she's spent she's wearing the outfit to my next wedding!
No, you've not missed anything, we just fast forwarded through to the fairy tale endings of movies and those mushy romance books Granny reads. The point being she will now be looking for opportunities to wear her posh outfit do she gets her money's worth!
Anyway, as for Scarborough It's one of the few coastal towns which combines the traditional British seaside with what seemed like a reasonable fishing port.
It's a fantastic place for people watching. Within minutes of arrival we were treated to the visual and auditory feast of "Rasta Reggae Pensioners", two old guys in Rasta hats with a set of bongo drums and dancing puppets which included an emu, a goat and a camel and a bingo playing Bart Simpson performing Tom Jones songs in a reggae vibe. Really. I'm not jesting and I understand it may have to be a case of "seeing is believing" so take a look at the pic!
Rasta Reggae Pensioners should be the next big thing as you couldn't help but smile and chuckle when you heard and saw them. After that excitement we wandered down to the beach and were amazed to see people in the sea!
We wandered along the seafront and got some fresh cockles to snack on as we got to the fishing harbour. They were lovely and fresh and yes, just a slight crunch of sand.
Sent from my iPhone=
On Friday I had a nice day in work, meetings all day and then back to the office till late but it was all good. It was a beautiful sunny day and it matched my sunny mood.
On Saturday H and I were off on a mini gay adventure. We went to Scarborough for the day. I'd never been before and it was lovely. The train journey was 2 hours from Manchester and H and I chatted the whole time or more like she listened as I gave her LOADS of updates.
When we got there we went shopping first for a hat for H. Not a sun hat and not for a wedding but for a day at the races next month. We laughed about it being a sign of 'growing up' when a lady has her first hat... She's decided that given the amount of money she's spent she's wearing the outfit to my next wedding!
No, you've not missed anything, we just fast forwarded through to the fairy tale endings of movies and those mushy romance books Granny reads. The point being she will now be looking for opportunities to wear her posh outfit do she gets her money's worth!
Anyway, as for Scarborough It's one of the few coastal towns which combines the traditional British seaside with what seemed like a reasonable fishing port.
It's a fantastic place for people watching. Within minutes of arrival we were treated to the visual and auditory feast of "Rasta Reggae Pensioners", two old guys in Rasta hats with a set of bongo drums and dancing puppets which included an emu, a goat and a camel and a bingo playing Bart Simpson performing Tom Jones songs in a reggae vibe. Really. I'm not jesting and I understand it may have to be a case of "seeing is believing" so take a look at the pic!
From there it was off for a beer and lunch then we took a slow walk along the beach toward the beach huts that were there. By this time we realised the walk back, uphill was enormous so we took the street lift to the top. It seemed an old clattery thing, probably Victorian but most notably it had been "sponsored" for the day by the Federation of Small Business so was adorned with their posters, including this one.....
H and I couldn't help but laugh, who could resist a seminar which is Guaranteed to Disappoint?!?! I think someone somewhere had a bad day when they approved that.
From there we wandered back to the train and chatted about loads of things, including H's new car, (which she picked up yesterday). On the way home I decided to go and get some munchies for a picnic on Sunday. I was looking forward to spending time with another good friend J, the person who had made me smile a lot earlier in the week.
Saturday evening was spent vegging in front of the TV but again I ended up on Twitter until around 3am in deep conversation. I was surprised to be at our meeting place early on Sunday.
We met up at 11 and then headed off the the countryside. J didn't know about the picnic so it was nice to see the surprise as I presented a picnic basket from the boot (trunk) of the car. We walked for a while before we found a spot to settle. I managed to put my foot in a particularly squishy bit of mud which came up to my ankles but it was all in the name of a nice day out.
We finally settled on a grassy verge and looked out over the Lancashire hills and valleys and sat there for hours, chatting. It was lovely, a calm uncharacteristically warm spring day punctuated by the sound of Lambs, Horses and one potty mouthed Polish security guard who took a dislike to some nearby walkers!
As we wandered back to the car at 17.28 I remembered the sign in the car park saying the gates would be locked at 17.30...... it had taken us well over 30 minutes to walk there so we started to run. Well, I guess it was more of a jog but, as I'm not known for my athleticism we reverted back to walking and left it to fate to decide whether we'd need to make a rescue call or not.
We returned to the car at 17.48, not a bad effort we thought and, as it turns out the car park locking man was late so we got out! On the way back we called in to a pub for a beer and of course even more chatting, to be honest Steve dominated the conversation but, J re-assured me this wasn't an issue. I could probably go on and on because it was just such a lovely day and I felt happier than I have in a very long time.
As another friend said, maybe someone somewhere has decided that it's time for a change and happiness, hope and sunny days are in order for me. I'd like to think that may be the case.
Anyway, we finally went our separate ways at around 8.30 last night then I came home, sorted the picnic stuff and relaxed. I still ended up tweeting until gone 11pm but it was a lovely end to a lovely weekend and this morning I am still full of the happiness of the weekend.
Have a great day, I'm going to try to.
xxxMxxx
Sent from my iPhone=
Thursday, 22 March 2012
My face aches from smiling....
Tonight I don't think my fingers will type fast enough as there are so many things whizzing around in my head right now. Things flit in and flit out of my mind.
This week has been SO hectic again, meetings and a huge amount of email but I have been really happy and positive. After Sunday's "wobble".
Yesterday I had a lovely day though for lots of reasons. I was up early, a breakfast meeting at 7 at the Lowry and spotted some rowers on the Quays on the way back. It was a mild morning and it looed so serene as they just cut through the water silently.
From there I headed into Manchester for a meeting about the new Police & Crime Commissioner which will affect everyone, it was really interesting. Some real issues though which will need ironing our but still interesting and really quite exciting as theres potential for a lot of positive change.
From there I went to see some friends, they are going through a tough time at the moment, again as a result of Cancer. It's such a difficult position. In some respects I feel hardened to Cancer, losing Steve has "toughed me up" but I still wish I could take all the hurt away and stop the suffering, for the patient and family. Soap box away though, I can't work miracles.
Last night I ended up in deep conversation online, right through till well after 2 this morning and thats after being up at 5 ish yesterday morning. I was chatting to a friend, something I've not done for ages online, (via Twitter actually), I can't remember smiling so much in a while.
When we finally went offline I put my phone on charge and the music started up on my iPhone automatically. Odd really as I'd last been listening to Accuradio, (an app based station) on my phone. I don't know if you read my blog a few weeks ago about 'signs' or 'messages' (read it here if not) but the songs went like this, (and this isn't on any playlist etc). "Forever in blue jeans", (a song which has become associated with Steve, see here why) then "Marta", (a song from a musical about someone who is "over the wall", I've always thought this is because she'd died, listen here) then it was "It Takes Two" then "Make it Easy" finally it was "He Makes Me Laugh" from Phantom, Steve's favourite musical.
A completely random and eclectic mix and, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a message to me from Steve? On reading my blog re 'signs' or 'messages' again tonight I can see the last sort of coincidence like this came when I was happy too. Perhaps Steve is liking seeing me happy and is trying to tell me that he is happy for me too? Who knows? I don' but I like the thought that that's what it is. And yes, I am happy.
Today, I have just been in a super good mood. Spring is here and I feel like my life has started again. It's that old 9 month thing maybe which I debated months ago in a blog.... hmmm there is a lot to ponder there.
Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a good day too, I have work meetings but also hope to finish at a reasonable time as my 4pm appointment has been moved. Saturday sees the return of the wandering widower as H,(a different H to real ale H), and I are off to Scarborough. She was very disappointed to learn that a Priest's Hole may not feature in the day out but the promise of an ice cream should distract her, (I hope).
OOH I almost forgot too, I did have a lovely and exciting invitation today but, I don't know if I am allowed to tell you what it is yet but, I nearly let out a bit of wee! Sorry it's cryptic but it'll be worth the wait and it does go some way to explaining part of my sickeningly sweet smile!
Well goodnight folks, I've taken ages writing this as yes, I have been writing, reading, listening, tweeting and googling whilst trying to make sense so apologies if it doesn't make sense.
xx M xx
This week has been SO hectic again, meetings and a huge amount of email but I have been really happy and positive. After Sunday's "wobble".
Yesterday I had a lovely day though for lots of reasons. I was up early, a breakfast meeting at 7 at the Lowry and spotted some rowers on the Quays on the way back. It was a mild morning and it looed so serene as they just cut through the water silently.
From there I went to see some friends, they are going through a tough time at the moment, again as a result of Cancer. It's such a difficult position. In some respects I feel hardened to Cancer, losing Steve has "toughed me up" but I still wish I could take all the hurt away and stop the suffering, for the patient and family. Soap box away though, I can't work miracles.
Last night I ended up in deep conversation online, right through till well after 2 this morning and thats after being up at 5 ish yesterday morning. I was chatting to a friend, something I've not done for ages online, (via Twitter actually), I can't remember smiling so much in a while.
When we finally went offline I put my phone on charge and the music started up on my iPhone automatically. Odd really as I'd last been listening to Accuradio, (an app based station) on my phone. I don't know if you read my blog a few weeks ago about 'signs' or 'messages' (read it here if not) but the songs went like this, (and this isn't on any playlist etc). "Forever in blue jeans", (a song which has become associated with Steve, see here why) then "Marta", (a song from a musical about someone who is "over the wall", I've always thought this is because she'd died, listen here) then it was "It Takes Two" then "Make it Easy" finally it was "He Makes Me Laugh" from Phantom, Steve's favourite musical.
A completely random and eclectic mix and, I couldn't help but wonder if this was a message to me from Steve? On reading my blog re 'signs' or 'messages' again tonight I can see the last sort of coincidence like this came when I was happy too. Perhaps Steve is liking seeing me happy and is trying to tell me that he is happy for me too? Who knows? I don' but I like the thought that that's what it is. And yes, I am happy.
Today, I have just been in a super good mood. Spring is here and I feel like my life has started again. It's that old 9 month thing maybe which I debated months ago in a blog.... hmmm there is a lot to ponder there.
Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a good day too, I have work meetings but also hope to finish at a reasonable time as my 4pm appointment has been moved. Saturday sees the return of the wandering widower as H,(a different H to real ale H), and I are off to Scarborough. She was very disappointed to learn that a Priest's Hole may not feature in the day out but the promise of an ice cream should distract her, (I hope).
OOH I almost forgot too, I did have a lovely and exciting invitation today but, I don't know if I am allowed to tell you what it is yet but, I nearly let out a bit of wee! Sorry it's cryptic but it'll be worth the wait and it does go some way to explaining part of my sickeningly sweet smile!
Well goodnight folks, I've taken ages writing this as yes, I have been writing, reading, listening, tweeting and googling whilst trying to make sense so apologies if it doesn't make sense.
xx M xx
Monday, 19 March 2012
A bad decision or a way to de-stress?
I really don't know if it was a bad decision or not. I didn't plan to do it and I suppose even though I knew it was there and what was in it but I just did it anyway. I suppose maybe my sub conscious needed it.
I was thoughtful on Sunday morning. I realised I needed to earn more. This isn't through want but necessity. As a rise at work is highly unlikely, the chances of a lottery win remote and there are no reserves to draw on then I need to work more. Life back on the road working the cabaret circuit again is not really an option, my costumes have gone and, whilst I am fortunate enough to have the skills and tools to make more I really don't want to. I'm not sure what I'll look for but I need a part time evening and/or weekend job.
Following on from that train of though I busied myself ironing and sorting and photographing stuff for eBay. This, between doing chores such as sorting the washing.
It was then it caught my attention. Steve's memory box. It wasn't his per se but it is full of his stuff that I've put together in a nice red leather trunk since he died. That is what I was wondering about in my opening paragraph.
I'm sure they are lovely memories for them of Steve but for me I just see the smiles and wonder what it's all about, life that is. The smiles give no indication of the future how cruel it can be. It's tough and there are a lot of questions. Some people find answers in religion and others have different reasoning. I don't need answers though but yet I still wonder why.
The picture is Steve and his Aunt. She passed away on New Years Eve 2009 with Cancer. Stephens Uncle was also claimed by Cancer a few months before he was born and then My Steve too. Why do bad things happen to nice people? Obviously I'd be biased toward Steve but his Aunt was lovely too, so warm and friendly and a real lady. Obviously I never met his Uncle but I have no reason to suppose he was any different. There is no answer though, these are just things that make me think.
After I'd shed a few tears I got on with what I needed to do and I sort of felt better. A lot less worried with a better outlook really. I was still emotional and thoughtful but it made me realise that despite my positivity and polished facade sometimes things do still get to me. Perhaps my guilty feelings about Mothers Day and thinking about other peoples losses was what did it. For the most part I can hide from my own feelings but am often moved by other peoples journeys. Still, I suppose it did me good to have a reality check.
Today has been a busy day, there's lots happening at work so I've been concentrating hard on the work I've been doing for most of the day. I've enjoyed it, oddly. Yes, I suppose deep down I am one of those people who says they would still work even if they won millions on the lottery. I may do a different job or work in a different way but I'd struggle to do nothing for a sustained period of time.
Anyway, it's time for bed, reasonably early for me too. I must be getting old! Oh, and before I sign off please share my blog, if you got here via Facebook or Twitter please Share or Tweet.
Thank you and Bye for now,
M
Friday, 16 March 2012
Nine Months, Real Ale, Gin and Friends
Nine Months, I know it’s not that long since I posted but that’s where we were on Thursday, nine months on from Steve’s passing. A lot has happened, nine months has flown by, as did the nine months from his initial diagnosis to his passing. It’s odd as I don’t feel the hurt any more on thinking about the passage of time. Maybe I have just got to the point of acceptance? Who knows. It’s still tough but memories of Steve make me smile, such happy times but, they also give me hope for happy times to come.
I’ve recently seen and accepted that I have to get on with my life and, whilst I know nobody could ever take Steve’s place, I know I am comfortable being half of a partnership. Lately I’ve noticed people. Not in a bad way but just noticed things. A lovely smile or just a nice personality. It’s interesting, slightly exciting and scary too. I don’t know what the future holds but I’ll take it a day at a time. I know some will be upset or annoyed about me reclaiming my life but tough, Steve has proved life is too short. It’s too short for me to worry what other people think.
Right, now it’s time to re-wind. My last blog was on the evening of 2nd March, it was uploaded early hours of 3rd March so I didn’t get to tell you about my jaunt. On Saturday 3rd March I was up early again and headed off to town to catch the train, I was off to Hebden Bridge I met with H and we decided to go for a walk along the canal. She’s also looking to move to life afloat at some point in the future so we enjoyed nattering. We wandered through the crafty shops and then stumbled across a pub, well, more like aimed for.... We sat outside and had a beer, it was well earned, (we’d walked a fair way) and it was sunny.
From there we wandered along the canal in search of a waterside pub. To cut a long story short we walked out of town for about 40 minutes and didn’t see a pub. The grey clouds looked ominous but H suggested we walked just a little further. Nothing, no sniff of a pub so we walked back. On our way back it started to rain, nay not rain but pour down! We were soaked through as there was no shelter anywhere. We sloshed back to the town and into the first pub, a warm bar and cool ale which was lovely until a group of locals arrived with a tribe of children wailing and screaming. We went on to the next, this one had an open log fire, the warmth was nice but the smell of the open fire was lovely.
From there we found another bar, possibly Hebden Bridge’s only gay bar judging by the clientele etc but no real ale, so following a swift pint and a bite to eat we headed on to the next. The White Lion was lovely. It was very busy too. Again the distinct waft of an open log fire and the sound of traditional folk music coming from the back of the bar.
We’d inadvertently stumbled upon a sort of folk music jamming session. It was perfect. Real Ale, Good Music and an open log fire. Needless to say we didn’t make it to any other pubs. We spent a fair few hours there and tried all the ales on the bar at least once. We eventually left around 9pm and headed for our trains home.
I later learned H ended up going to a house party of a random person we met on the train platform. I’d taken her for her 3rd pint of the year as she’d been reducing her Ale intake and it seems I was the bad influence she needed to party on. I don't mind having the blame for her poor resistance to temptation.
On the Sunday I didn't do much but, on Monday I received a visit from some other friends. It was planned and, as I was home at a reasonable time I cooked dinner. I set off in the kitchen, chopping, cooking and being creative whilst listening to showtunes and supping Gin & Bitter Lemon. A refreshing change. It was nice to sit and eat with friends and natter the night away. I Think one of my friends had a little too much though as he sent me a text the following day complaining of a hangover. I was fine. Maybe he's just the sort to be affected easily... haha.
I dont remember much of the rest of the week. I passed uneventfully as far as I remember and last weekend came around all too soon. On Saturday I was up early as had a few things to sort then headed out to meet a friend for coffee and a late lunch. We walked for a while along the canal and enjoyed putting the world to rights. I called in to see some other friends on the way home and eventually got to my own house around 8 where I made myself a lovely dinner then sat and watched a film before a reasonably early night.
Sunday was spent uploading stuff to eBay. There is still loads I want to get rid of. Fortunately all the drag stuff has gone, there is a few bits and pieces we had bought for the "shop" Steve was working on and I have loads of fabrics and other stuff to sell so I think this weekend will involve an element of photographing and uploading too.
This week at work has been pretty hectic really. Quite a few offsite meetings too but I've enjoyed it. Maybe it's spring in the air or just the sunny weather but I've enjoyed being so busy and have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. Today has been a busy day too resulting in me not leaving the office until after 7. I'm in again tomorrow as have a few things to sort but, I'm not complaining as I rarely work weekends now.
Last night I visited Granny, really it's Steve's Granny but she's lovely and as she put it last night, "We have a special bond". Obviously this "bond" is Steve but I think she actually likes that I am open and honest with her. If you have read Steve's blog for a while you'll recall it was me that had to tell her about Steve's illness. The immediate family had tried to shield her from it but she's not daft, (even at 88), she had put 2+2 together and got 4.5, she was close but not quite right.
She had correctly guessed Steve had cancer but had imagined a far worse picture because she was being kept in the dark. When Steve found out he got upset and he asked me to tell her the truth, obviously I didn't tell her the prognosis as Steve didn't accept it would be true and she had no need to worry when it was just a guide but she appreciated my honesty when she asked me, "Is my Stephen going to die soon?" I told her I didn't know, I told her how well he was and how positive he was and how determined we all were, and the Doctors were, for him to get better. I know it's not really an answer but she was relieved I think that someone was being open and honest with her.
Granny was the first person I went to see after Steve died. I'd spent all of the previous day in the hospital and all through the night but when I left the hospital around 8am it was her I wanted to go and see. The nurses had removed Steve's jewellery when he took a turn for the worse and gave it all to me. In there was his Grandads wedding ring which Granny had given to him. He had never taken it off, even when we performed and Granny knew this. I felt it right to return it to her. I was pleased I did and I think she was too.
Anyway, as it's Mothers day this Sunday (I know for readers outside the UK it falls on a different date), I went to visit Granny and take her a gift. I gave Steve's Mum her gift earlier in the week but, as expected, she opened it early. She wouldn't open it here as she was going to "save it". One thing I learnt early on in Steve and My relationship is that she has very little will power so despite best intentions it would have been opened the same night, no way would she have waited till Sunday. She liked it anyway which is good I suppose.
It's going to be difficult and different for her this year and I suppose for my Mum too as she saw Steve as another Son. Unfortunately I cant change that. It's difficult having to give those gifts with that in mind but, I can't change that either. One thing is for sure though, being 9 months on it is not as difficult dealing with these events. The tears may be less but the thoughts aren't. I may be looking forward but I still look back over my shoulder and think of the good times but it's easier to do now.
I saw a quote a few weeks ago, "The past is a great place to look at but not to live in". I know this is true. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it means accepting and learning and growing in to the new you. Steve will always be permanently etched in my memory and entwined in my past but my future is a blank page. My immediate past has put a few scribbles on that page, people, places and experiences. My jaunts and adventures but the story continues and this whiff of spring in the air, the daffodils and sunny days is making me excited for the future.
Have a great weekend, I will, I'm sure of it. xxx
Mark x
I’ve recently seen and accepted that I have to get on with my life and, whilst I know nobody could ever take Steve’s place, I know I am comfortable being half of a partnership. Lately I’ve noticed people. Not in a bad way but just noticed things. A lovely smile or just a nice personality. It’s interesting, slightly exciting and scary too. I don’t know what the future holds but I’ll take it a day at a time. I know some will be upset or annoyed about me reclaiming my life but tough, Steve has proved life is too short. It’s too short for me to worry what other people think.
Right, now it’s time to re-wind. My last blog was on the evening of 2nd March, it was uploaded early hours of 3rd March so I didn’t get to tell you about my jaunt. On Saturday 3rd March I was up early again and headed off to town to catch the train, I was off to Hebden Bridge I met with H and we decided to go for a walk along the canal. She’s also looking to move to life afloat at some point in the future so we enjoyed nattering. We wandered through the crafty shops and then stumbled across a pub, well, more like aimed for.... We sat outside and had a beer, it was well earned, (we’d walked a fair way) and it was sunny.
From there we found another bar, possibly Hebden Bridge’s only gay bar judging by the clientele etc but no real ale, so following a swift pint and a bite to eat we headed on to the next. The White Lion was lovely. It was very busy too. Again the distinct waft of an open log fire and the sound of traditional folk music coming from the back of the bar.
I later learned H ended up going to a house party of a random person we met on the train platform. I’d taken her for her 3rd pint of the year as she’d been reducing her Ale intake and it seems I was the bad influence she needed to party on. I don't mind having the blame for her poor resistance to temptation.
On the Sunday I didn't do much but, on Monday I received a visit from some other friends. It was planned and, as I was home at a reasonable time I cooked dinner. I set off in the kitchen, chopping, cooking and being creative whilst listening to showtunes and supping Gin & Bitter Lemon. A refreshing change. It was nice to sit and eat with friends and natter the night away. I Think one of my friends had a little too much though as he sent me a text the following day complaining of a hangover. I was fine. Maybe he's just the sort to be affected easily... haha.
I dont remember much of the rest of the week. I passed uneventfully as far as I remember and last weekend came around all too soon. On Saturday I was up early as had a few things to sort then headed out to meet a friend for coffee and a late lunch. We walked for a while along the canal and enjoyed putting the world to rights. I called in to see some other friends on the way home and eventually got to my own house around 8 where I made myself a lovely dinner then sat and watched a film before a reasonably early night.
Sunday was spent uploading stuff to eBay. There is still loads I want to get rid of. Fortunately all the drag stuff has gone, there is a few bits and pieces we had bought for the "shop" Steve was working on and I have loads of fabrics and other stuff to sell so I think this weekend will involve an element of photographing and uploading too.
This week at work has been pretty hectic really. Quite a few offsite meetings too but I've enjoyed it. Maybe it's spring in the air or just the sunny weather but I've enjoyed being so busy and have enjoyed getting out and meeting new people. Today has been a busy day too resulting in me not leaving the office until after 7. I'm in again tomorrow as have a few things to sort but, I'm not complaining as I rarely work weekends now.
Last night I visited Granny, really it's Steve's Granny but she's lovely and as she put it last night, "We have a special bond". Obviously this "bond" is Steve but I think she actually likes that I am open and honest with her. If you have read Steve's blog for a while you'll recall it was me that had to tell her about Steve's illness. The immediate family had tried to shield her from it but she's not daft, (even at 88), she had put 2+2 together and got 4.5, she was close but not quite right.
She had correctly guessed Steve had cancer but had imagined a far worse picture because she was being kept in the dark. When Steve found out he got upset and he asked me to tell her the truth, obviously I didn't tell her the prognosis as Steve didn't accept it would be true and she had no need to worry when it was just a guide but she appreciated my honesty when she asked me, "Is my Stephen going to die soon?" I told her I didn't know, I told her how well he was and how positive he was and how determined we all were, and the Doctors were, for him to get better. I know it's not really an answer but she was relieved I think that someone was being open and honest with her.
Granny was the first person I went to see after Steve died. I'd spent all of the previous day in the hospital and all through the night but when I left the hospital around 8am it was her I wanted to go and see. The nurses had removed Steve's jewellery when he took a turn for the worse and gave it all to me. In there was his Grandads wedding ring which Granny had given to him. He had never taken it off, even when we performed and Granny knew this. I felt it right to return it to her. I was pleased I did and I think she was too.
Anyway, as it's Mothers day this Sunday (I know for readers outside the UK it falls on a different date), I went to visit Granny and take her a gift. I gave Steve's Mum her gift earlier in the week but, as expected, she opened it early. She wouldn't open it here as she was going to "save it". One thing I learnt early on in Steve and My relationship is that she has very little will power so despite best intentions it would have been opened the same night, no way would she have waited till Sunday. She liked it anyway which is good I suppose.
It's going to be difficult and different for her this year and I suppose for my Mum too as she saw Steve as another Son. Unfortunately I cant change that. It's difficult having to give those gifts with that in mind but, I can't change that either. One thing is for sure though, being 9 months on it is not as difficult dealing with these events. The tears may be less but the thoughts aren't. I may be looking forward but I still look back over my shoulder and think of the good times but it's easier to do now.
I saw a quote a few weeks ago, "The past is a great place to look at but not to live in". I know this is true. Moving on doesn't mean forgetting, it means accepting and learning and growing in to the new you. Steve will always be permanently etched in my memory and entwined in my past but my future is a blank page. My immediate past has put a few scribbles on that page, people, places and experiences. My jaunts and adventures but the story continues and this whiff of spring in the air, the daffodils and sunny days is making me excited for the future.
Have a great weekend, I will, I'm sure of it. xxx
Mark x
Saturday, 3 March 2012
No More Denial and One Less Facebook Friend
Well, it may not be the end but it is the end of a chapter in my life and, now as we live in a world where social media rules then today has seen the end of a small part of that world too. What am I babbling about? Stephen of course.
If you are a Facebook friend of Stephen’s you may have noticed that his profile was turned into a “memorialised” state a few weeks ago. Basically, facebook have a state they can put your account in where access is denied. I had Steve’s password etc as he’d wanted his story to go on. Oh and just for clarity I am talking about his Enid Whiplash profile as he hasn’t used the profile with his real name for years. Steve loved interacting with his friends and, in this, the last picture taken of Steve just a few weeks before he died, he is actually sat with his laptop open, he would have been either writing his blog, (this blog) or meddling on facebook. It makes it even more sad that we are where we are with facebook right now.
Anyway, whilst in this memorialised state friends can post on the wall but cant invite you to events etc but, anything can be posted on the wall. The idea is that friends can post their messages of remembrance but, as Steve and I used our facebook profiles for “work” as our alter ego’s many of the “friends” there only knew the character and not the person behind the character. If you have a facebook account you will know that sometimes your wall ends up covered in all sorts of nonsense from “friends” and Steve’s was no exception. I could however until recently remove the spam posts and leave the genuine messages from friends
Bing in this altered state and not being able to remove spam messages which could have come from any of the almost 4,000 friends on there was a concern for me, I guess in part the lack of control. I mentioned it to Steve’s parents when the account changed state and they said the same, it would be more upsetting to see inappropriate posts which cannot be removed than to not have the profile there so, I reluctantly took the only action I could and asked for it to be removed.
That’s it, it’s happened today. He’s gone. One less friend on facebook but, more upsetting for me this means my profile has gone from listing me as married to nothing. Steve’s removal meant I had no marital status. For the first time I have had to list myself as Widowed, publicly. I’ve not had to of course but I would rather that than nothing, than trying to deny I have a history. It was really evocative, just another step on the route to realising he’s never coming back and I have to move forward.
In many ways I am pleased this has come this week. It’s been a good week, if you read my post earlier this week you would have seen I’ve been in a good place these past few days. I’ve been able to take this change on the chin as it were, who knows what I would have been like if the change had happened at the end of a week of downers.
I feel numb about it now though. I guess I may reflect a little more in the coming weeks as I get used to seeing that word and not seeing Steve listed as “in a relationship with”. It’s probably for the best though that I do feel numb because I am extremely pissed about someone REPORTING Steve as deceased. Facebook may have a wide reach but it can’t tell if you’re alive or not, they rely on people informing them. I have a pretty good idea of who has instigated this. Of course I can’t prove it though and, the fact is Stephen is deceased.
This doesn’t make it easier. Without sounding too bitter I just want to say how I believe in Karma. One day they will realise how it feels. They may not realise or recognise it as Karma but, I smile at the thought that someone or something somewhere will ensure that every little bit of pain and upset they have caused me, the rest of Stephens family and his true friends, will be brought right back to them. I have nothing but contempt for the spiteful bastards.
Well, that’s my rant over for tonight, tomorrow I still have a jaunt planned so I’ll no doubt write about that over the weekend.
Love to you all,
M x
If you are a Facebook friend of Stephen’s you may have noticed that his profile was turned into a “memorialised” state a few weeks ago. Basically, facebook have a state they can put your account in where access is denied. I had Steve’s password etc as he’d wanted his story to go on. Oh and just for clarity I am talking about his Enid Whiplash profile as he hasn’t used the profile with his real name for years. Steve loved interacting with his friends and, in this, the last picture taken of Steve just a few weeks before he died, he is actually sat with his laptop open, he would have been either writing his blog, (this blog) or meddling on facebook. It makes it even more sad that we are where we are with facebook right now.
Bing in this altered state and not being able to remove spam messages which could have come from any of the almost 4,000 friends on there was a concern for me, I guess in part the lack of control. I mentioned it to Steve’s parents when the account changed state and they said the same, it would be more upsetting to see inappropriate posts which cannot be removed than to not have the profile there so, I reluctantly took the only action I could and asked for it to be removed.
That’s it, it’s happened today. He’s gone. One less friend on facebook but, more upsetting for me this means my profile has gone from listing me as married to nothing. Steve’s removal meant I had no marital status. For the first time I have had to list myself as Widowed, publicly. I’ve not had to of course but I would rather that than nothing, than trying to deny I have a history. It was really evocative, just another step on the route to realising he’s never coming back and I have to move forward.
In many ways I am pleased this has come this week. It’s been a good week, if you read my post earlier this week you would have seen I’ve been in a good place these past few days. I’ve been able to take this change on the chin as it were, who knows what I would have been like if the change had happened at the end of a week of downers.
I feel numb about it now though. I guess I may reflect a little more in the coming weeks as I get used to seeing that word and not seeing Steve listed as “in a relationship with”. It’s probably for the best though that I do feel numb because I am extremely pissed about someone REPORTING Steve as deceased. Facebook may have a wide reach but it can’t tell if you’re alive or not, they rely on people informing them. I have a pretty good idea of who has instigated this. Of course I can’t prove it though and, the fact is Stephen is deceased.
This doesn’t make it easier. Without sounding too bitter I just want to say how I believe in Karma. One day they will realise how it feels. They may not realise or recognise it as Karma but, I smile at the thought that someone or something somewhere will ensure that every little bit of pain and upset they have caused me, the rest of Stephens family and his true friends, will be brought right back to them. I have nothing but contempt for the spiteful bastards.
Well, that’s my rant over for tonight, tomorrow I still have a jaunt planned so I’ll no doubt write about that over the weekend.
Love to you all,
M x
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
A Happy Happy Smiley Me
Well I know it's unusual for me to write a midweek blog at the moment but right now I'm in a happy happy place and I just wanted to share that with you all.
It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.
I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.
This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!
On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.
All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.
Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.
I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.
This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?
I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.
Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.
Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.
Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.
Until next time xxx
It's been a busy week already with following up on my event from last week and a whole host of other things but early this week I thought I had this coming weekend planned and sorted but, as often is the case these plans have changed but, I'm not upset about it, I've just made different plans.
I found out yesterday that a friend has returned from what seems like a very long holiday, we don’t see each other often but, long story short, we arranged to go out tonight, nowhere posh just Ikea but it was a chance to go for a blast in the car, to chat and to just get out in the evening for a change. The evenings are getting lighter and the mornings brighter so it really feels like spring is on its way. On the way home we called into a bar in town and had a chat over a few drinks. It was lovely to sit and chat, we don’t do it often enough and we both enjoyed it. I’m already looking forward to the next time.
This weekend I'm now meeting up with another friend whom I've not seen for quite a long time but she was a friend of Steve's from many years ago and is a great laugh. We're going in search of real ale, we will do some window shopping and perhaps a shorty countryside walk too but I'm not denying that the ale is the real reason for the outing. I've not been out boozing in a daytime like that for around four years so it'll be good. I'm so excited at the thought though, it feels naughty but, I'm an adult and I can so I am!
On Sunday I've been invited out to lunch and that too will be at a pub but I'll not be drinking. I'm hoping it will be a nice day as we've planned on going for a walk in the countryside too.
All that means that I have a full week ahead. I've just noticed too that tomorrow, March 1st, is St Davids Day which is the Welsh national day. I remember from school that it meant dressing in traditional costumes and having a half day off from school. I wont we getting a half day off work tomorrow though and I wont be wearing traditional dress.
Finally, I noticed a few days ago that a lady in a forum I belong to, (it's a forum for the bereaved so this lady was a Widow), but the lady was commenting about some odd goings on at home where her iPod started to play random music but, all the tracks were sentimental to her and her late Husband. She saw this as a sign from her Hubby that it's OK to move on a little and claim back some of her life for herself.
I wondered whether I will get such signs or if I have and have just not noticed so I think this has been in my mind. Last night when I went to bed I docked my iPhone as usual and the music started up, this isn't unusual but I skipped through a few songs as they all seemed to be "Steve Songs" in that they were songs he would perform, or favourites of his, (but not of mine) so I just skipped on to something I wanted to listen to which, at the moment is generally the Wicked soundtrack.
This morning I got in the car and the first track on the radio was "It's my life" by Talk Talk now I don't know if it significant but an Ex used to refer to me as Talk Talk many years ago, Steve knew this and said it was accurate. Now was that song really a message from Steve saying I should be claiming back my life? I decided many weeks ago I should be living my life fully in honour of Steve as he cannot. Just because Cancer took his life I shouldn’t let it take mine too. Lately I have thought a lot of this, I have felt guilty that I am living my life but also like I have to for Steve. It’s difficult but, was it really a sign? Who knows?
I don't know the answer to my question but I do know I believe in fate, things happen for a reason, Steve believed this too. For weeks I have listened to CD’s on the way to work but today the radio was on in the car. Fate or coincidence? Who knows? Maybe it was a sign, maybe fate determined I should read the forum entry so the signs made sense to me, maybe fate decided I would listen to the radio today. The truth is there are signs all around us that we take for granted, signs of a brighter future, of hope and of the tomorrow we want.
Think of the Daffodils budding at the moment, we know inside the dismal bud there is a bright yellow flower just as we know beyond these patchy days there are days of bright sunshine ahead and they will come, we know they will because they always do.
Think of the snowdrops, so pure and white and delicate. They bring promises and hope of a better tomorrow. From the bleakest winter they have forced through the hardened ground and offer their delicate bloom for all to see, just a promise of the flowers and blooms that will come to us in the summer. Perhaps that's where I’ve been. Perhaps Steve’s passing and the months immediately afterwards were my winter. Cold, dark, bleak and dismal but now, as I force myself to live I am seeing my life as a snowdrop, new and fresh and just the start of a brighter future which holds all sorts of things, bright days just like the Daffodils will bring. Perhaps. Again, I don’t know this but it makes sense. Hope is all around us we just need to open our eyes to see it.
Goodnight to you, I hope you sleep well, I know I will as writing this has made me think and I realise, life is coming good again, I am happy and am happy to be happy, Why my life is like this still makes me sad (ie losing Steve), but I cant change that so I am happy for my family, for my friends and for the hope I have for the future. I am happy to smile for Steve and for myself.
Until next time xxx
Monday, 27 February 2012
A slow news day
Tonight I'm trying different way write my blog. Tonight I am trying the Dragon dictation app to see if this makes a difference and if it makes blogging a little bit easier or more fun.
It's not as quick as I thought it would be, but it does work so, when I start to write my book then I might use something like this.
Today's been a nice day. after a slow start I washed and polished the car. Then after taking a shower myself I headed out to the shops. I Only bought a few bits but it was nice to get out for a while.
This evening I've had a few things to tend to but now I'm tucked up in bed with a cup of tea its an early night ready for work again tomorrow.
Sorry it's a slow news day I'll write soon, hope you have a great week.
Mark x
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, 26 February 2012
A clean car
Saturday, 25 February 2012
and I'm off again...
Well here I am again blogging whilst sat on public transport on the way home from another day out.
Today's trip was planned earlier this week, today though I had company again as I travelled with a friend.
Firstly though before I witter on about this week I'll tell you about the week that's just passed.
Work really has been pretty busy. I've had a few meetings to attend and I also had final plans to put in place for an event I hosted on Friday. It was quite well attended and the feedback was positive too so there's plenty now to do next week at work. I am really exhausted lately though, maybe soon I will take a few days off and do the things for me (and Steve), that I've been too tired to do lately. No plans yet though.
Today was a great day out, I enjoyed being out and about and, today I had company too as a friend came along with me. We meandered through the streets and stopped for brunch before walking along the walls and stopping at a pub for a few scoops of real ale... http://www.royaloakyork.com/
After putting the world to rights over a beer we headed for the Train back to Manchester. I'm on the tram now on the last leg of my journey, I'm going to stop off for a bottle of wine on the way home and then relax, snuggled up on the sofa at home.
Oh and before I forget I have to mention I was on the tram this morning sat opposite someone who was either a massive Elvis fan or an Elvis impersonator! Not the good looking GI Elvis but the bloated burger years Elvis, he was in his 50's with unconvincing jet black hair and big lamb chop sideburns. The 2 inch white stripe at the root of his hairline though was very convincing and the 'padding' looked real too. Is this a new retro look u have missed or is he stuck in a time warp? Hmmmmm.
Well that's all for today. This week has been quite a positive one and yesterday I received an message from a reader which really made me smile, thank you. It is so nice to have that two way communication with readers, I really appreciate all the messages I receive.
Well, goodbye for now and till next time.... be good!
XxMarkxX
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Another trip out...
Well today I have been quite cultural. I started quite early, I was up at 8 am which is not bad seeing as yesterday I had got up at 4am and didn't go to bed until after midnight.
I cooked myself poached egg on toast. A simple breakfast but it's one I really enjoy. Then, it was off to catch the tram to town before catching my connecting train to Liverpool.
I've never been to Liverpool as a tourist, for meetings or business then yes but never recreationally so it was all a bit new.
I know it seems like a rush since I was in Edinburgh yesterday but I had to go today as it was the last day of an exhibition I wanted to see,
http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/walker/exhibitions/savage-style/ I was really looking forward To seeing the costumes. Partly to see how mine compared and also as Lily was the only real drag persona I knew of years ago and, she is one of relatively few that have made it to mainstream TV in recent years.
Lily's humour, style and attitude were something I enjoyed and admired. Very different to Bobbie Dazzler but yet similar too, perhaps like a distant cousin or Aunt.
I really enjoyed the exhibition, small as it was but also saw another there. It was by an artist called John Kirby
http://www.liverpoolmuseums.org.uk/events/displayevent.aspx?eventID=6880&venue=2 and I really liked it. Yep, it surprised me too as yesterday I said I wasn't really 'in' to art or more specifically paintings. He's a contemporary artist so maybe I just need to find the "genre" of paintings I like.
After that I ended up going for a wander through Liverpool One. I was well chuffed as I managed to get a picture frame I wanted in Debenhams. I'd ordered a crystal frame online to go with two others in the same range I had but they told me they were sold out, I had looked all over, including ebay and none but got two today plus another of a smaller size. Cost £6.60 instead of £22.00, so I managed to get all 3 for less than the cost of one! Bargain!
I'm on the train home again now. I feel like I have had a proper weekend as I've been out and done stuff. I feel happier than I have in a long time and, more importantly I am enjoying my own company more and more. Things is good!
On a closing note I saw a sign today, the sort you hang on your wall at home, it said:
The best things in life are not things at all.
Now, some people don't understand it but, for me this is saying that the best things in life can't be purchased, they are not trinkets or possessions and no amount of money will help. For me the best things in life are love, friendship, happiness and time and like most things each requires an investment but the return is often significantly higher than the investment.
Well that's me, over and out....
Till next time,
Mark x
Sent from my iPhone
Saturday, 18 February 2012
The wandering widower is almost home
Well' I'm almost home again, well not home but almost back in Manchester. I've had a lovely day today.
The weather in Edinburgh has been beautiful today, blue skies and sunshine, we did have a snow shower though around the middle of the day but it lasted no more than five minutes and then it was sunny again. Odd but hey, thats Scotland.
When I arrived this morning I went to Jenners for a Scottish breakfast to set me up for the day and then set off having a wander around. I even made time to go to the Scottish National Gallery, nice paintings but I decided there that paintings are not my kind of art. I can appreciate the work involved but it just doesn't "turn me on". Each to their own and it's not for me.
I wandered up to the Castle, the Royal Mile was as busy as ever and full of the usual characters, artisans stalls and tourists, (like me). I visited some usual haunts and some new ones and got some ideas too for some craft projects I have in mind.
I finished the day in the tea rooms in the shadow of Scot Monument for a brew before going for the train. The trains today have been great, all on time and no complaints at all so right now I am a happy chappie.
I'll soon be at Manchester so will post this and pack my stuff up.
Until next time,
Mark x
The wandering widower wanders again
Here we are again the wandering widower on the wander again. Today it's back to Edinburgh.
It's been a funny sort of week, I've done a lot of thinking and and not a lot of anything else really. I got through Valentines day pretty unscathed. It was just another day. My work this week has been much the same as usual where I feel like I am trudging through mud, not because it's difficult work but more because I still don't feel up to speed with everything, it's just not the same as it used to be but then I wonder will it ever be the same again?
In saying all that I do feel better for going out for a few hours last night, there was something I needed to get off my mind and I did that and now I feel somewhat free. I'm able to carry on making progress on this journey of grief, and self discovery and of course new beginnings.
What will the future hold? Who knows, but either way I'll face up to it in the way I do. Back to today though, I have no agenda for Edinburgh. There is nothing I need to buy, nowhere I need to go and nothing I need to see so I will decide once I am off the train in Edinburgh at 9.25 this morning, perhaps I will go in search of the three legged haggis?
Well that's about all for me so far, I may write more on the way home but until then enjoy your Saturday
xxMxx
Sent from my iPad
Monday, 13 February 2012
Valentines Day
It's odd. The anniversaries seem to come around quickly now. It's just one year ago today, 13th Feb since we went to stay with Jacqui on her narrowboat in Norfolk before going on to spend a few days with Jayne & Ray and see my Sister and Brother In Law.
We set off on a Sunday and, with the radio on we chatted, laughed, joked and sang all the way there. On the radio that morning though, a song came on which stopped me in my tracks. have a listen, (Listen Here) it just said everything at that time and hearing it now is still difficult for me. I cant believe how different things are right now, and things don't seem to be getting easier. See here what Steve said about it.
Tomorrow is Valentines Day, there's love all around, red hearts, red roses and a plethora of icky sicky sweet cards. I was/am probably more romantic than Steve but his way of showing love was special to him. He always made me smile. Until he met me he was quite reserved about saying the "L" word, but with me he was different. I miss that. Plenty of people still tell me they love me and I know they do but it's not the same. what I shared with Steve was different to anything I have experienced before and is probably different to anything I will experience in the future.
That brings me on to my future. I've been thinking a lot lately and the truth is that I have not reached any conclusions. I have looked at things in my life right now and looked at how I would like my future to look. I don't know how it will be exactly but I know I just want an honest and quiet life and I want to share happy times with family and friends. I've thought about friends I've lost touch with and about those who I see regularly, those that are close and those that are far away and I realise some seem to harbour their own agendas. Some friends make me feel happy just by being there and others leave me wondering what their agenda is, whether there is a sub text or whether I am just a "friend" to make them feel good about themselves.
This reminded me of one of Steve's pet hates, he was very good at seeing these things and would let it pass unmentioned for a long time before he'd snap and do something about it, like the friend who liked to introduce him as "My Gay friend Steve" like he was some sort of accessory, of course we became almost like premium accessories when we became civil partners..... people eh.
Well there isn't much else for me to rant about here. As for Valentines day I hope you are lucky enough to spend it with someone you care about and who cares about you and if like me, your Valentine is somewhere else then cherish your yesterday, dream your tomorrow but live your today.
xxx Mark xxx
We set off on a Sunday and, with the radio on we chatted, laughed, joked and sang all the way there. On the radio that morning though, a song came on which stopped me in my tracks. have a listen, (Listen Here) it just said everything at that time and hearing it now is still difficult for me. I cant believe how different things are right now, and things don't seem to be getting easier. See here what Steve said about it.
Tomorrow is Valentines Day, there's love all around, red hearts, red roses and a plethora of icky sicky sweet cards. I was/am probably more romantic than Steve but his way of showing love was special to him. He always made me smile. Until he met me he was quite reserved about saying the "L" word, but with me he was different. I miss that. Plenty of people still tell me they love me and I know they do but it's not the same. what I shared with Steve was different to anything I have experienced before and is probably different to anything I will experience in the future.
That brings me on to my future. I've been thinking a lot lately and the truth is that I have not reached any conclusions. I have looked at things in my life right now and looked at how I would like my future to look. I don't know how it will be exactly but I know I just want an honest and quiet life and I want to share happy times with family and friends. I've thought about friends I've lost touch with and about those who I see regularly, those that are close and those that are far away and I realise some seem to harbour their own agendas. Some friends make me feel happy just by being there and others leave me wondering what their agenda is, whether there is a sub text or whether I am just a "friend" to make them feel good about themselves.
This reminded me of one of Steve's pet hates, he was very good at seeing these things and would let it pass unmentioned for a long time before he'd snap and do something about it, like the friend who liked to introduce him as "My Gay friend Steve" like he was some sort of accessory, of course we became almost like premium accessories when we became civil partners..... people eh.
Well there isn't much else for me to rant about here. As for Valentines day I hope you are lucky enough to spend it with someone you care about and who cares about you and if like me, your Valentine is somewhere else then cherish your yesterday, dream your tomorrow but live your today.
xxx Mark xxx
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
Guilty....
Yes, I am feeling VERY guilty, sorry readers for my absence, it's not that I don't love you but I have really not felt up to writing. I'm not sure if it's the introspection I have a sub conscious avoidance of or just time at the PC after spending all day at a PC.
Since I wrote last a lot has happened. On Friday 30th January my Grandfather passed away. He was 87. I have a lot of personal thoughts on this but I will keep them just that, personal. I am sure you will understand but obviously his passing has rekindled a lot of feelings I had tried to put aside although on the other hand it reminds me how cruel life is, he was 87 and enjoyed a full life. The funeral is on Thursday this week so I'll be making the 500+ mile round trip for that. Its the end of an era, a lost generation and now it means, like many people my age, I have no surviving grandparents. It's a tough time.
There are or have been other bits of things happening over the past few weeks but nothing that sticks in my mind. London was my last jaunt and Edinburgh will be my next.
I was out last Sunday though taking pictures in the snow, an excuse to get out I guess. Before I go tonight, as this really is just a short catch up, I just wanted to mention a change I made to Stephens website. A friend of ours, Nick has written a piece about his memories of Steve, feel free to download and read his thoughts on his "First Gay Best Friend" on the following page: http://troubleonline.co.uk/#/condolences/4552503684
Feel free to leave your comments on that page or this and I'll write soon.
xxx Mark xxx
Since I wrote last a lot has happened. On Friday 30th January my Grandfather passed away. He was 87. I have a lot of personal thoughts on this but I will keep them just that, personal. I am sure you will understand but obviously his passing has rekindled a lot of feelings I had tried to put aside although on the other hand it reminds me how cruel life is, he was 87 and enjoyed a full life. The funeral is on Thursday this week so I'll be making the 500+ mile round trip for that. Its the end of an era, a lost generation and now it means, like many people my age, I have no surviving grandparents. It's a tough time.
There are or have been other bits of things happening over the past few weeks but nothing that sticks in my mind. London was my last jaunt and Edinburgh will be my next.
I was out last Sunday though taking pictures in the snow, an excuse to get out I guess. Before I go tonight, as this really is just a short catch up, I just wanted to mention a change I made to Stephens website. A friend of ours, Nick has written a piece about his memories of Steve, feel free to download and read his thoughts on his "First Gay Best Friend" on the following page: http://troubleonline.co.uk/#/condolences/4552503684
Feel free to leave your comments on that page or this and I'll write soon.
xxx Mark xxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)