Like not wearing underwear...

Apologies for the late update, I did think whilst driving back that I would do this earlier in the day but I have not really been in the mood.  I didn't want to have to talk to anyone, see anyone or think at all I just wanted time out.

AI guess firstly though you'd like to know a little more about yesterday. 

It started quite early, I had been up on Friday night until the early hours of Saturday morning for no good reason other than I was avoiding bed again.  I was up early yesterday morning though and realised I hadn't ironed any clothes for after the event and for today so I did that first.  Then I got shaved, the big beard and hairy chest had to go unfortunately, (I am looking forward to their return already).

Then, after showering etc i went to the dressing room and started to get ready.  It was a quiet time really.  Steve would always have show tunes on but I was happy with my thoughts.  It all went to plan and, to think I have not put a face on since August I was surprised, eyebrows looked right first time and even eyelashes stuck first time and in the right place... that's a first EVER!  I used to get stressed sometimes because they would be wonky, after the third or fourth attempt Steve would have to put them on me but yesterday the whole lot was easy and stress free.  when I finished I noticed Steve's wig to the side, on a block but sort of watching over me and supervising.

I got dressed then and set off for Sheffield, I had planned for 10am but I got going at 11am, not bad really as my initial plan hadn't included ironing and packing, it took me just over 1 hour 20 minutes from shower to leaving and that included having to iron another shirt.

En route I picked up a friend, that too could have been a drama as Steve knew where he lived and had always directed me as he was familiar with that part of Manchester, (he had lived in the area years before), but I was not.  Anyway I got there and then we set off for Sheffield.

I tried to call en route to let the organisers know my ETA but there was no signal on the phone as we drove through the mountains so I just carried on.  by the time I approached Sheffield i had received an almost frantic message asking me to call.  They were wondering where I was.  As Steve and I usually got there early morning and they had already had a string of disasters including some acts cancelling on the morning along with some of the volunteers.

When I got there the relief on their faces was evident.  I changed into costume and then familiarised myself with the running order, the new stage manager, Andrew, (conscripted that morning because someone was ill and unable to do it) and I chatted to a few early visitors.

One of the first groups I spoke to said "where's the other one... you always come with another one as well so where is she?"  The question was perfectly reasonable and it was nice they remembered that I am indeed only half of a double act.  I explained Steve had passed away but, in short that I was there for him.  the understood, they too had lost a friend recently and although they didn't really want to party they did want to honour their friends memory.

Despite that though I didn't get upset.  I just continued. A few more people arrived then more friends arrived including Stephen, (another one, not MY Steve), Stephen, or Mistress Muffy, was to be my co-host for most of the day, along with a few of our other friends too but, I was happy to step out on stage with him as Steve and I had worked with him before, being a friend firstly but also someone we have worked with before then it just made it easier, the same can be said for Dan and Heather too, as friends they understood the bond Steve and I had and it made what was looking like a difficult day a whole lot less daunting.  I also have to say though that the last minute stage manager Andrew was fantastic, a complete pleasure to work with and he just managed to keep everything running smoothly, (as smooth as it can be when we have problems thrown at us such as we did), I was able trust him and rely on him completely, (which is out of character for me being a known control freak) as I couldn't possibly keep tabs on everything whilst I was on stage.  As I said he was just great and truly an asset to the www.sheffieldpride.org.uk volunteer team.

Through most of the day I was fine.  There were a lot of friends there and they all kept checking if I was OK, and how I was feeling, it was nice to know they cared so much and for the majority of the day I was fine.  I did have a moment though toward the latter part of the day, stood to the side of stage just watching one of the girl groups who were on and my mind wandered, it wandered to thoughts of Steve, I can't describe it really but it was almost like having a bucket of water thrown over you, this mix of feelings and thoughts just descended on me and I started to well up.  I caught myself and reigned it in fast, I couldn't afford to lose it when I was due on stage in a few minutes and, as I had done so well all day I refused to give in to the emotion.

The picture shows just a couple of friends who I was pleased to have there for the day x

The next "moment" was being on stage with Heather, I don't remember what she said, it was nothing probably, I am guessing she may have been thanking me, (she was there doing some official thanks from Sheffield Pride) but again, it washed over me.  As I replied to Heather I heared my voice crack.  Again I reigned it in and I thanked Steve, for introducing me to Sheffield and it's people, such a warm and welcoming community, they almost feel like family and I also thanked the people of Sheffield for welcoming me and Steve, I probably rambled on a bit as I am prone to doing but we gave three cheers to Steve and to Miss Whiplash. I think most people 'got' the sentiment, especially as whiplash's picture was in their official pride programme with a write-up.

I felt and hoped Steve was there with me, I wore the bracelet I made to remind me of him, the picture shows it next to the tattoo (or at least part of the tattoo), that I had done to commemorate his life just before the funeral.  It's the date of our wedding or "Civil Partnership" as it's correctly termed.  (Thanks to "G" for the pic xxx) I also wore Steve's stage rings, they sparkled beautifully, just as he would have.

Throughout the day when asked how I was I just said I was fine.  Again, it is difficult to explain but the only analogy I can give is that it is like going out without underwear on.  To everyone else you look the same, (I had the painted face and broad smile to mask the feelings inside), but, you know something is not right and something is missing.  that's probably as good as the explanation gets.  I was doing it for Steve, it didn't feel right but I did it.  I am glad I did it though and have no regrets at all, he did so much for me, and brought me such happiness in our six and a bit short years and the least I could do was to share some of that happiness with the 10,000 or so people who were there on Saturday.

After the event closed I headed off to the hotel.  The hotel booking was supposed to be for Steve and I but I went anyway.  I wanted to change and spend some time with our friends as me.  check-in at www.kenwoodhall.co.uk was fine, I did raise an eyebrow or two though as I passed a wedding reception en route to my room.  A guest was heard commenting to the bride that not many weddings have drag queens at them..... Steve and I did a few but I didn't correct him.  the room was lovely but as I sat there at the dressing table taking off my jewellery, wig and makeup I looked out of the window and saw the brightest rainbow I have seen for years.

That was it, it set me off. It may have been a coincidence but to have a rainbow so bright at the end of what was supposed to be Steve's last performance.  The rainbow was seen over the stage when everyone had gone and the cleanup had begun but I could see it from my hotel window too.  Whats the chances.  You can see how limited the view was and I had it in sight.  The international symbol for gay pride is a rainbow flag so for may of the people who were there yesterday they will have identified with the rainbow anyway, for me it had extra meaning.  I took it to mean that Steve had been happy with the day and by way of thanks, to lift the gloom I felt, he sent a rainbow.

After that the night seemed to go pretty quickly. I joined a few friends at the official after pride party but chose to drive.  I didn't want to drink.  I had managed to keep a lid on most of my emotions for most of the day, I didn't want alcohol to loosen the lid as it were so I thought it best not to drink, that, and I was tired so a few drinks and I would have fallen over!

I gave Heather a lift home on my way back to the hotel and then woke this morning after a reasonable sleep and set off for home.  I had taken my camera with me to stop off en route to take some pictures as there is some lovely scenery but the weather was too bad and I had forgotten to take a coat.

Since being home I have spent it alone, in silence for the main part.  I have not wanted to see anyone or talk to anyone.  I don't know why but I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts.  I feel anti-social but on the flip side I reckon talking to 10,000+ people yesterday will buy me some credit in the "need to talk to more people"  stakes.

I'm heading to bed now, again, it's a long one and sorry but I hope you enjoyed reading nonetheless.

Until tomorrow,
 Mark x

The Eve of another significant milestone....

Well it may not be to you and to 99.99% of the 8 - 10,000+ people expected to be there tomorrow it wont be either but to me it is.  It will be the first time since becoming a double act with Steve that I have put a face on without him.  the first time i will have been on stage without him and the first time I don't have him to "bounce off" with banter and quips and our own brand of humour.

It's a daunting one really, I don't know what to expect of myself, I can sort of guess how the crowd will be and how our friends will be and how the artiste's will be but I have no idea how I will be.  Odd isn't it, for someone who likes to be in control and will freely admit to being a control freak, (typically only when approved as such by Steve), I have no control over the one thing I should have, me, my feelings and whatever is going on in my head.

I've already had a lot of messages and phone calls of support etc and they have come as a bit of a surprise really but all concerned about how I will manage.  The truthful answer is, I don't know, but I suppose I will.  I read my tribute at the funeral, I spoke about Steve this week at an event focused on brain tumours and I can do this too. I guess I might be more resilient than I give myself credit for, I hope so anyway.

Well not a lot else really on my mind tonight other than tomorrow.  Costume was finished today, hair started and finished today.  I have realised though I have done nothing for me, guess I ought to pack a toothbrush and some clean clobber as I will be stopping there tomorrow. Not sure what tomorrow night will bring, I guess it will depend on what the day brings and how I cope with that.

I think I need to be up early tomorrow ironing..... Oh well it's been a nice night chatting to FB friends  so not worried about that.

Will update tomorrow if and when I can xxx

Gay Widower

I sat up until the early hours of this morning reading about widowers. I wasn’t tired, as I put in last night’s blog I just have too much going on in my head right now, some things are just there and needn’t be and others are and need to be but I don’t want to deal with them. I thought I’d share an excerpt of one of the articles.


I can completely identify with almost all of this.

Grief is madness--ask anyone who's been there. They will tell you it abates with time, but that's a lie. What drowns you in the first year is a force of solitude and helplessness exactly equal in intensity to the love you had for the one who's gone. Equally passionate, equally intimate. The spaces between the stabs of pain grow longer after a while, but they're empty spaces. The cliches of condolence get you back to the office, back to your taxes and the dinner table--and for everyone else's sake, you collaborate. The road of least resistance is paved with the gravel of well-meaning friends, rather like the gravel that cremation leaves.


Paul Monette, Last Watch of the Night

Becoming a widower is a process. And it is a process the surviving partner shares with his loved one. A continuous process, it begins the moment that one is forced to half-consciously accept that you are about to lose someone very close and may not end until even many years later. Widowerhood more or less occurs in three phases. The socially accepted year or so of grief after you've lost your partner is merely the middle period, flanked on one side by a period of widowerhood in which your companion is still alive, and on the other side by a period of widowerhood long after he is dead.

If your partner's death follows a long illness like Cancer or AIDS, during the first phase your partner is still alive. The grieving begins with the various losses his illness starts to impose on your life as your relationship changes from an equal partnership into an unequal dependency. This early grieving is almost always overlooked because of the external distraction caused by dealing with hospitals, labs, doctors, social workers, sometimes ambulances, police, lawyers, various business and governmental bureaucracies, and enormous amounts of data and new routines. Amidst all this, the two of you are forced to renegotiate your partnership contract.

At the same time, something even more subtle, and insidious, is occurring: you are learning to deal with him being gone. If you doubt that, speak to anyone whose loved one has left home for the first time with some minor symptom of AIDS requiring a short stay in the hospital. The fear and panic -- or denial and frozen emotions -- these first week-long hospitalizations cause may seem greatly exaggerated overreactions to others. On the contrary, they are often healthy, early recognitions of the widowed future.

The second phase following a partner's death is when your loss is complete and obvious and this phase also has its hidden dangers. The support network, so useful during your loved one's illness and death, is often suddenly removed at this stage. People you've come to rely on often vanish, incorrectly thinking you have no need for them in your life. Others, hoping to help you, or perhaps feeling guilty about your loss and their helplessness, attempt to push you through your grieving at an unreasonable speed -- perhaps pulling you into a constant chain of social events and distractions, so you won't stay home and mope. This doesn't recognize your special need to be alone more than before, partly to rest from the mental, emotional and sometimes physical exertions you've just gone through, sometimes just for you to try to remember your loved one whose presence in your life is fading so quickly and sadly.

The third phase is the least obvious and least talked about part of widowerhood. Paul Monette again proved himself to be the gay community's bard, describing his extended mourning for two different lovers in painfully eloquent essays in Last Watch of the Night. Long after the world and those around you have ceased to deal with your great loss, you're still stuck with it. Often new information about your loved one, or simmering resentments about his life suddenly surface and must be dealt with. Bills, letters, and legacy details can take a long time to show up and are upsetting or infuriating.

In some cases, the challenge is merely that your partner has so defined your life, that now you are completely thrown on your own, and must redefine who you really are as you did when you were an adolescent. It is a difficult, often harrowing time, yet also a potentially wonderful period and crucial to any further growth in life.

Most likely all people who have buried a spouse remain intimately connected to the deceased and to that relationship long after their conscious mourning has ended. In the last decade an extensive literature has evolved about grief, but until very recently, little or no recognition has been given to the grief of homosexual men who survive the death of a partner or friend.

Intense anger, whether at the unfairness of life, at God, at the cause of death, at the deceased or just being in the unenviable position of having to pick up the pieces and rebuild a life is typical when grieving a lover. When a partner dies, a man has no choice but to become a widower. How actively he accepts or rejects the identity of a widower will determine how he deals with all the angers. Recognizing that there are numerous good reasons to be angry, and expressing and integrating that anger are essential components of adjusting to widowerhood.

This is an excerpt taken from:


Gay Grief and Gay Widowers


by Michael Shernoff, MSW


Published in LGNY, September 1, 1997, Issue 62


1997 Michael Shernoff

Told ya so...

Well,that's what I would be saying if Steve was here now.  We had a few debates in recent months and tonight I have been proved right on at least one of those points.  It's a shame, I didn't want to be right but unfortunately I am.

Anyway I am not going to dwell on that I have other worries at the moment, I am not going to rant about those here either but I will tell you I have spent over an hour this afternoon on my hands and knees trying to sort the printer which is under the desk. 

Steve loved gadgets, he always wasted money on them and this was another such waste of money.  He wanted a printer to print A3 size, so we could produce our own posters.  Yeah great!  We have never once printed on A3!  It's wireless so he could print these posters from anywhere in the house.  This is fine until the power goes off, the router re-sets and the PC cant "see" the printer.

I used to be able to ask Steve to fix it, now I cant and I don't have a clue!  there isn't just a wire I can plug in to my computer so I just had to spend ages trying to sort it.  The same happened a few days ago and I don't know what I did but it was faxed pretty quickly.  Today was a different story.  I got there in the end though.

I have had another busy day sorting stuff out, doing stuff for Steve or on his behalf again so it has been nice just to spend time alone with my thoughts and in silence.

I'm still getting stressed very quickly, I guess it is a grief thing but one of the speakers yesterday said, "where's the fun in your week?"  Right now I don't have any but his point was we all need things to look forward to doing on a positive note, be that a walk in the park or a coffee with a friend.  I need to get something sorted.  I guess I will soon.

Well I could rant more and more as usual but I wont tonight.  I am heading to bed.  there is so much stuff swimming around in my head and it is getting me more and more stressed so the sooner I  go to bed the sooner I wake up and it's a new day.  If I don't wake up I get to see Steve, I suppose there's pro's and con's to both.

Goodnight and don't forget to click on the Facebook and Twitter buttons further up the screen and on the right hand side.
Thank you,
Mark

4 Weeks on and it's a good day...

I know!  I didn't expect to say that either and, I know there are a few others around me who thought the same.  That said though I don't know how tomorrow will be etc but I am not going to worry about it because today was good.

I sort of dreaded today, a whole 4 weeks to the day since Steve died, it has gone so fast but feels like an eternity.  As every minute passes I still expect a text or call from him, a silly email or just for him to come and give me a hug and ask what I'm up to.  It isn't going to happen but it doesn't stop my brain thinking (somewhere out of my control) that it will happen.

Today though was also going to be a tough one because of something I volunteered to do for www.btbuddies.org.uk .  As many of you know they have supported Steve and I with information and guidance and generally being 'there' since his diagnosis, they were one of his chosen charities, (which incidentally you can still donate to at: http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash.)  Today BT Buddies have run a course in Wrexham called "Coping Together", it is for newly diagnosed Brain Tumour patients and their carers or partners etc.  It was a full day and included a detailed talk this morning from a Consultant neurosurgeon, Andrew Brodbelt, about the different types of tumour, their grading and how they 'look' and how they are treated.

It made for a tough session but, although learning even more about tumours may seem like closing the door after the horse has bolted, (I had similar thoughts initially too - what more do I need to know other than it killed my Steve?), it was actually interesting and beneficial to be there and hear a Consultant from a different hospital not connected in any way to Steve and not even knowing of Steve, saying what treatments are for Glioblastoma Multiforme (GBM), what the follow up scan timetables are, the difficulties in treating them and their characteristics etc, everything was consistent with what I had heard Steve's consultant say to him.  It sort of re-assured me that Steve had the best care possible and available in this country and, as he outlined the pro's and con's of some new treatments, his concerns about them and reasons why they are not used more this again served to convince me that Steve had the best possible care.  In fact listening to him and hearing about the cancers and their effects and hearing some of the other speakers really made me appreciate even more how brave Steve was and it made me even more proud of him and especially proud of his positive outlook, (notice I say positive? He was NEVER in denial, he always accepted and acknowledged the possibilities but remained positive despite this).

The other speakers today spoke about the psychological effects of living with a brain tumour and Epilepsy and brain tumours.  I could identify with a huge amount of the psychological effects of living with a tumour but they related to me in grief, how I have dealt with losing Steve and how I am dealing (or not) with where I am "at" right now.  I suppose it is the same as a tumour victim may grieve for the future they feel they may have lost, I certainly feel Steve and I grieved for the last 9 months on the loss of our future.  That doesn't mean sobbing all day but it means accepting that we are not going to get old together and have matching OAP Scooters, we wouldn't end up sat like Waldorf and Stadler (the old guys in the box in the Muppet Show), bitching about people in the street and we wouldn't ever be making the mistake of getting our dentures mixed up in a glass in the bathroom. 

We grieved not for what we had lost, because we cant lose old age because we didn't have it but we lost those thoughts of an old age.  We moved our goalposts a little and aimed for being on our boat within 12 months, for perhaps going on a holiday to see Leon in Israel later this year and we planned to make Christmas presents again this year so we could give handmade gifts, (which we knew would become even more precious if one or other of us were not around).  We didn't envisage having to bring the goalposts SO close but we still lived a full life and planned for the future as best we could, (incidentally 'we' will still be doing most of that it's just that the responsibility for them now falls solely to me).  Anyway, after him the Epilepsy woman spoke, if I am honest I didn't pay a lot of attention as it was not relevant to me, (and Steve's ONLY seizure/fit was the one that saw him off so not a nice thought).

I spent a sizable amount of the day too talking with other patients and carers about their tumours and also about Steve and his/our coping mechanisms.   A few people asked where he was, why had he chosen not to come etc and when told why he wasn't there I got the looks of shock, embarrassment, sympathy and confusion as to WHY I would choose to be there so soon after his death.  One lady burst in to tears on me... (I didn't like to tell her it should be me crying).  I explained Steve would want to help others and, if my being there helped others then that is what I will do.  I explained I volunteered and could have opted out at any time but chose not to.  Some 'got' why I was there and some didn't but they each thanked me for coming and for being so open and honest and that was appreciated.

This all seems pretty OK until you realise that this afternoon I had a small presentation to do for www.btbuddies.org.uk , as I said I was a volunteer and Natalya was naturally cautious about me doing it as she was also only too aware how soon it all is, it could have gone one way or the other with the potential for me getting Brain Tumour overload and having a complete meltdown.  As you guessed i didn't have a meltdown, the presentation was well received and I felt better for being able to do that and bring a little hope or comfort to those in the room, one said I was an inspiration, I didn't feel it but I thanked him.  I just did what I thought was the right thing to do, right for me as well as for Steve and for BT Buddies.

So there you have it, that is why it has been a good day.  Just 4 weeks on from Steve dying I have been able to help others on their brain tumour journey, something which was (is) devastating (not devestating as one of the presenters today had written),  has now been turned into a positive and is helping other people.  Just another way Steve is continuing to help people even AFTER his death.

Following on from that I have come home this evening and had 2 really nice messages, one from my Aunt (although she is only really old enough to be my big sister, but as she hates Aunt I will use Aunt) and from my Sister, both of which really made me smile.  Thank you both xxx

And finally, in proper newsreader fashion I thought as it is 4 weeks since Steve died I would post a pic of him.  It is one of my favourites.  I love the glint in his eye.  This picture was taken in Chester the morning after a large night out in Chester.  We had been outside a pub or club the night before and looked in through the hat shop window.  There, we both saw the red top hat, we both turned to each other and said, "I want one".  We loved the look of them and as we both had evening tailcoats which we used on stage we decided to buy a red hat to wear with them.  We thought red basque, stockings or fishnets, tailcoat and top hat..... there are pictures on www.troubleonline.co.uk of Steve (as Miss Whiplash) in that very costume.

We found the shop the following day and despite our horrendous hangovers we both got SOOO excited about having new hats to wear, we bought one each, strolled around town like the cats that got the cream and  then went home not buying another thing because we had only gone for our hats. I always thought Steve suited a hat.

This hat is the very same one the funeral director, Shirley, wore at Steve's funeral, it seemed a fitting tribute to him for her to wear his hat in honour of him.  She looked good in it too but not half as handsome as Steve.  I know I am biased but I still thinks he looks great considering he, (and I) had the mother of all hangovers!

Well I shall say goodnight now, sorry it's a long one but hopefully you feel better for reading something positive, I certainly feel better for writing it, for thinking it and for being there today in memory of Steve.

It seems for some reason the end of my last message is missing so here it is.... Remember this fits after my last post, oh the joy of mobile communications....

For me this represents Steve, he had beautiful blue eyes, flashes of lots of different blues and so sparkly and twinkly, especially when he was being naughty so this sparkly bracelet reminds me of his lovely eyes.  The angel wing charm us the same as he bought me not long after his diagnosis last year. He said I was like his angel so he wanted me to wear angel wings, I wear them on a necklace.

The sentiment behind this means a lot to me, to anyone else it is a row of crystal beads but to me it is a reminder, it sits on my wrist just next to the tattoo I had done there to remember Steve by before the funeral.  Both are in my line of sight many many tea a day and both make me think happy thought of Steve.

Well folks its been a long day, still have stuff to do and need to be up for 6am so I will say goodnight..... Goodnight x

Bugger!

Well today had been an ok day until around an hour ago when my Internet connection went down. It went earlier and caused me problems having to reset the wireless printer, Steve was the techno geek but showed me once what to do, it took me ages but I got the damn thing working again so I must have listened, it was something to do with ports. I think I will be wired in future, it seems more reliable.

This 'going' tonight is someone's way of telling me to go to bed as I have a lot to do tomorrow so I will go soon.

Today has been a good day, I have busied myself doing stuff for Steve or in memory of Steve, so all in all my day has been about, around or to do with Steve, even the letters I got this morning re Steves estate didn't bother me because it was for him, (a lengthy tax form to complete for him).

I think that was my downfall last week, I felt lost without Steve, and doing stuff which was for me not for or with him made me feel the loss even more, maybe I felt selfish? I don't know.

This morning I made a bracelet for myself from crystal beads Steve and I bought to make handmade Christmas presents with for this year, the pic is below.

Highs and Lows

Today has been another odd one.  It sort of started on a low, I felt pretty low, just sad and depressed, it's still no easier waking up alone.  I always say goodnight and good morning to Steve but he never replies anymore, my morning hug is usually a text or an email which has come in overnight and it is now always my turn to make the bed in the morning, I am always the last one out of bed so I get to make it.  I am also the first out of bed so perhaps I should have a word with myself.

This morning motivation was lacking completely, I guess I still felt pretty flat from the weekend.  I know i needed to sort stuff for Sheffield this weekend but couldn't be bothered, it wasn;t a personal thing i also wanted a brew but couldn't be bothered with making it.

Someone from work was supposed to come and see me this afternoon, he didn't show.  Either he forgot or whatever he wanted to discuss with me was not that important.  If I had a busy social schedule then I may have been frustrated to have waited in all day, I was in all day anyway so it didn't matter.

I started this afternoon on preparations for Sheffield, focussing on something other than the computer and away from the computer was a huge benefit.  After a few hours outside, searching for stuff and then being creative I felt so much better.  So much so that I want to do some more so hopefully tomorrow will be a creative day and a good day with good memories of Steve.  He loved being creative, if you ever meet her ask his Mum about his "Stained Glass".

Oh, something I forgot to mention the other day, when speaking to someone about Steve passing away, it must have been the pensions people anyway, either way they took some details from me and said they would write a letter.  I received the letter a few days ago.  It was from the DWP.  They thanked me for my application for Widowers benefit, (I didn't know I had applied), but they told me as Steve (and I) are under 45 we (I) am not entitled to it.  It seems I cannot be classed as a Widower, (by the DWP at least) unless I have attained the ripe old age of 45.  Steve would have loved to get to 45, in fact he was REALLY looking forward to getting to 33, mainly because it would have signified him surviving 19 months after the 12-18 month prognosis so technically beating the odds, he got 9 months.  I suppose we should be grateful for that.

What am I though if I am not a Widower?  Well, not for another 9 years or so anyway, am I in some 'other' category for now like "Widower in waiting" or something?  Who knows?  I am notgoing to stress about it, who needs a label anyway, Steve was more than my Husband he was my soul mate, husband sort of trivialises the relationship.  We always felt "Partner" to be a stronger word, even though we were "Married" (A Civil Partnership is a form of marriage), we felt Partner conveyed more of what and who we were, we were two individuals who are together as partners in life because we WANT to be there, not because of or as a result of a piece of paper but through choice, free will and an invisible unbreakable bond.

This evening I have spent time trawling the internet again.  I've actually re-visited the Macmillan website. http://community.macmillan.org.uk/, it's OK I guess and the people there are nice but it is just a bit slow.  Apparently there is an upgrade to it soon so hopefully it will become more user friendly.  Someone there though has visited our site, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ and has seen the pictures there of Steve and just commented how "right" we looked together and how beautiful Steve's eyes were.

I loved Steve's eyes, I had lots of favourite parts of Steve but his eyes just told me all I needed to know without him having to utter a word, I miss his eyes twinkling back at me, yes I have photographs but they don't twinkle like the real thing, I guess I have my memories though.

Well my mind is racing now and there is SO much I could write but I don't think it'snecessary.  I will say goodnight for now and will write again soon.

Lots of love xxx Mark xxx

A Tough Lesson To Learn

Another painful day.  There is no other word for it, it is just painful.  The day started OK I guess, I was up and about but didn't leave the bedroom, I busied myself tidying and sorting, I don't know why, i just wanted to.

I got a phone call then from a friend to see what I was up to.  I wanted to go out and buy some picture frames (again),  so I agreed to collect him from home and we would go.  I got to his and we went out, probably around 11.30, we went to a few shops but he was home just after 2.30 and I drove off.  Just as seems the 'norm' of late when I have had enough then that's it, no pleasant cup of tea I just need to go.

I drove for a while and pulled up, probably about 20 miles away but near a canal.  I took the camera and set off for a walk along the canal, it's the Leeds and Liverpool canal so it will be one I hope to get quite familiar with when I live on a boat.  I walked for around 2½ hours, maybe more.  It was nice being alone.  Not a lot to photograph but still, somewhere different for me to walk.

I felt in a daze again, for no reason, obviously Steve was in my thoughts but I didn't just think about him.  I got home and cooked some food, I'd not eaten all day but was still not hungry.  I ate though as I know I should but even that seemed tasteless.  It wasn't, it was packed with so much fresh veg and good stuff that it was bursting with flavour but it all seemed bland and pointless.

This evening I have been sat at the PC, not doing anything productive, I have not done anything productive since Friday.  I was trying to find other people in the same situation.  It was difficult at first, so many stories of a husband lost, so many wives now having to deal with their own loss whilst looking after the children.  That's not relevant to me.

Then I found it, I found a few actually, gay guys like me who have lost their partners.  Partners lost to cancer and two who have lost their partner to the SAME type of brain tumour that killed Stephen.  So many stories of people who have found their soul mate only to have him snatched away cruelly at a young age.

Reading their stories I understood, it was like the mist cleared and I realised I was not alone.  I have got SO tired of trying to explain to people that losing a partner IS NOT THE SAME as losing a Mum, Brother, Son, Aunty, Granny or Cat and, until you have lost a partner then you will never know and never understand.  Hopefully you will be lucky enough to be the one to go first so you don't know this pain. 

Also, people underestimate the word "partner" is is not just someone you are married to because it is convenient, because you felt you should for the kids, because you have been together for 20 years.  My partner was like part of me, half of me.  We loved spending every minute of every day together.  How many married couples do you know who can't bear to be in the same room or who each live separate lives under the same roof only to curse the time they "have" to spend together on holidays etc.  Steve and I were not like that, we loved living together, working together, socialising together in fact just sitting in the park watching the world go by...TOGETHER as the friend who led Steve's funeral said, like two halves of the same coin.

I have learned today that no matter how much I try to eaplain people will not understand until they have experienced it, no matter how eloquently or bluntly I put it no matter how much they want to and no matter how much they truly care.  It seems like i am being ungrateful, I am not, I really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have decided now not to stress about trying to help others understand.  It is difficult enough for me to get my head around it without having to explain it. Again, i really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have learned the discussions I have about my feelings and thoughts need to be with people who understand, not with people with whom I have to explain each minuscule detail before they can even begin to understand.

There are a few friends I can talk to and, talking to one of the ladies at the party last night and chatting to a few gay strangers tonight who have also lost their husband or partner has made me realise that no amount of wanting to understand will help.  I know my friends care, I appreciate that more than they know and they care for me in so many other ways but they do not need the burden of having to try and understand me or my feelings, I know they want to help but sometimes just a brew, a hug or a text is all they need to help me most.

I saw this yesterday, it struck so many chords with me, I have hesitated over posting it.  I didn't want my friends to read it and think I was pushing them away or that I am in the slightest bit ungrateful for their love and support but after realising I have learned a tough lesson I also realise that my friends will understand I do need them and want them in my life and I do need them and want them around and I actually like the odd messages I get and strange pictures but their love cannot take my pain away, only I can let my pain go and right now I am trying to do that.  I know my friends cant do it for me but they can cheer me on, and they have done and I hope they will continue to do so, as I said I know my friends will understand...

Don't Tell Me...


Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,
"My friend, I really do care."

Author Unknown

Guilty

I've decided today I will not use the word "Well" to start my vlog, I seem to do it a lot and "Well" is just not something I feel right now.

This morning started pretty slowly.  I got up and Steve's Mum was already on the phone to mine , not sure what about but I spoke to her first thing.  I can imagine what Steve would say and what he is saying now, I just wish I could hear him say it for real though.

I had planned to do loads today but the computer went on and I got distracted, I updated the Trouble site http://troubleonline.co.uk/ which is now effectively a tribute site for Steve, I felt pleased though it's had a bit of an overhaul and is now more relevant to where we're at, if that makes sense.

That took me till lunchtime I guess so I had some toast and got on with writing a few cards.  there were still some "Thank You's" to do from the funeral so I did those along with everything else.  they have all been posted now so hopefully people will get them soon.

After that I got dressed and have really sort of been in a daze for most of the day.  Tonight you see, Steve and I were supposed to be going to a friend's 30th birthday party.  It was fancy dress but, as we had sold most of our costumes we spent ages trying to think of what to wear.  Steve's first idea was that he would go as Lola.  That is Lola as in the Manilow song, used to be a showgirl with yellow feather in her hair etc.  This would have been VERY appropriate as we had given up life on stage.

We then decided we wanted to go as a couple, the same i guess as we always did in Drag, we always complimented each other.  We were torn between either going as the Mario Brothers, Luigi and the other one or going as Miss Piggy and Kermit The Frog.  I was of course going to be Miss Piggy and Steve would have made a  fetching kermit.  We had discussed it the Saturday before he died but had planned to decide for sure on the Sunday when we could look online at costume ideas, as you guessed we didn't get to make that decision.

When I thought about tonight's party I wanted to go to support a friend we both cared about and who has been good to us too.  I was daunted at the thought of walking in to a party, a house party at that, on my own, not really knowing anyone other than the host.  Usually it would never have been a consideration as I would have Steve to talk to and he would have me but I didn't have him to talk to.  It's just over 3 weeks since he died and I wasn't convinced I could do it.

I busied myself with various things, making excuses not to think about it really then decided.  I decided at 7.10 pm I would go.  I sent a quick text to ask for the postcode for Sat Nav and got washed and changed and set off.  It took less than 10 minutes to get there, just as well really as any longer and the doubts I had would have resulted in me turning the car around and heading home.  I got there just before 7.50 pm so you can see how quick I was getting dressed and out the door.  No, I didn't go in fancy dress, that would have required more planning and would have probably resulted in me not going.

The host was still getting ready but there were two people there initially that I did know so I chatted to them for a bit, they left quite soon after as they had to go to work but by this time people were arriving in costume and asking who I had come as.  they decided I had come as "The Bouncer", probably just as well as I couldn't think of what to say, I didn't want to explain why I was not in costume and I did feel I'd let the side down a little as there were some fab costumes and clearly a lot of effort had gone in to them all.

After a while, chatting to the host and feeling a little lost I got chatting then to two ladies, talk came around to costumes as I had taken an interest in how the host had made his hat.  They asked if I had ever done drag etc and I said yes, until last September I had worked every week up and down the country.  One asked why I had stopped and I said, I was part of a Double Act and my partner had to stop performing.  It seems they already knew of me even if they didn't know who I was as the realisation came across their face that I was the partner of the person they had heard about recently.  No apology was necessary and in reality it saved me having to explain why he had to stop performing.

After chatting a little more one of the ladies turned to me and said "I know how you feel", I imagined myself rolling my eyes thinking, "here we go again", as even the most well meaning people manage to get it wrong when they say, I lost my brother, son, mother, granny, uncle, cat etc.  Yes, I am sorry for your loss but it is not the same as losing a partner.  You don't have the same relationship with your Mum as you do with your partner and, whilst you may be very close it is not the same, neither is it the same as a best friend, a sister or great aunty flo who died at 97. 

This lady did understand though.  She lost her husband 4 years ago.  She crystalised my feelings in a few sentences, she knows EXACTLY how I feel.  She is still feeling the pain after 4 years, it seems her relationship with her Husband was as perfect and as strong as Steve and I had.  She confirmed my thoughts, time does NOT make it easier it just changes how you deal with the pain.  She said she still finds it a struggle and the thought of meeting someone else is as abhorrent to her four years on as it is to me now and yes, we have both heard people say, "but you're young, you should meet someone else and be happy", NO!  Why don't people understand when you have a bond that strong it cannot be replaced or patched up or forgotten.  Someone else cannot fill the hole in your heart left by your lost loved one.

The other favourite saying is, "it's what he would have wanted" How do you know?  You didn't know him like I do, he didn't tell you his innermost thoughts, his deepest fears or his wildest dreams so how could you possibly know what he would want?  I can make a pretty good guess at what he'd want and to have other people speaking for him would not appear anywhere on his list, not even near the bottom. It was the one thing he detested most and it was the one thing people felt they had a right to do as soon as he got ill.  He used to tell me "when they operated they took away my brain tumour NOT my brain" he hated how some people felt they knew what was best for him.  I understood and fought his corner for him and with him and backed him all the way, thats why he went to work and thats why he enjoyed a "normal" life, because it was something HE wanted to do and WE were prepared to fight for.

Tonight I struggled with my decision, I knew Steve wanted to go to the party, thats why I felt guilty, because I didn't want to enjoy the party he didn't get to go to.  I know he would want me to go alone but I felt guilty going alone, he should have been with me.  I flipped the decision though.  I thought about what I would want Steve to do if it was me that had died 3 weeks ago.  I would want him to go, I would want him to smile and be happy and be the vibrant and bubbly person I know he can be.  I would never ask anyone to do anything I wont do myself.  So that was it, my decision was made and I went.

I cant say I was vibrant and bubbly but I feel I was pleasant and sociable.  I don't feel I enjoyed it but I feel better for going. I didn't enjoy it because Steve wasn't there, because it was difficult and because I was hurting inside but the host was lovely, his family and friends are lovely and I don't think anyone could have made me feel more welcome than I was tonight.  I feel better for going as thats the first time I have had a night out without Steve, better because the first time has been done now, hopefully the second and third and fourth will each get a little less uncomfortable and so on until they become bearable then tolerable and eventually enjoyable again.  It may take years, my new friend this evening said it is still difficult after 4 years but she is doing it, and so will I.

So Will I.....

Second blog of the day...

Well this is my second blog of today now.  I know technically it is after midnight but Steve always said it is not tomorrow until you have been to bed, so it is still yesterday... if you get my drift?

Today has been a long day. I was up pretty early and had loads to do, I don't think I have done it all, I certainly forgot to go to the post office, I stayed in all day and I am sure there was more on my list (in my head) that needed doing but hey ho, there is always tomorrow.

Today I have been mainly working on the foundations of Steve's legacy, it seems odd writing about it but not saying what IT is but you will understand, I want it to be right before everyone sees it, I know Steve would be chuffed with what we have done so far but there is a lot more to do.

This weekend I am not sure what I have planned, hopefully a walk at some point, it has been raining today so it will be a chance to wear the wellies we bought for Crick. Thinking of that has just reminded me that I need a boot jack and some more wellie socks.

If I do go out I will take the camera, not sure where I will walk to though but I guess there are lots of places I can go to although I do have plenty of other things to occupy my time.

I had an email from work today, nothing heavy but I've been told there are BIG changes, I don't know what that means though. Even when I was in the office I was the last to know, we would have new staff and I would not get introduced to them until their second or third week. I don't know what "BIG changes" means but you can guarantee if it is that big a change it hasn't been decided since I have been off, it will have been "in the offing" for a while, why the secrecy though?  Hmm, not going to worry about it, I have too much else on my mind right now.

I put some music on earlier, really the first time since Steve died.  It went off pretty soon after it went on, I just can't tolerate noise or distraction right now so silence is king, seems odd for an Ex DJ to say they prefer silence but I do.

Not a lot else to report, it's been a crap weather day, heavy downpours then glorious sun, I hope I don't get caught in a downpour if I go out with the camera tomorrow....

Anyways goodnight and I'll see ya tomorrow...

A balancing act...

Another missed blog for yesterday..... Sorry.

Well yesterday was another mixed day.  I got up really early, I didn't sleep much on Wednesday night, i went to bed early but my mind would just not switch off.  I was up and about a few times in the night and then awake really early so a pretty unsuccessful sleep.

Yesterday morning i planned to head out to the bank, as I was getting ready though I got a phone call from a friend in Australia.  it was lovely to hear from her, she has been out there a while now and although we chat on facebook occasionally it was really nice to catch up.  She obviously knew about Steve passing away but wanted to chat too.  I felt much happier after speaking to her, she didn't say anything special it was just nice to talk to someone different but familiar, (if that makes sense).

After that I did head out to the bank, well there I was stood at the counter and suddenly got a "waft" of a strange smell, I turned around and it hit me, the smell of wee from the old lady behind me.  I felt sorry for her a little as she was with her granddaughter who was well groomed etc (and in her mid 30's I'd say) so you'd think she would have a word with Granny.

I was asked to take a seat to wait to speak to the right person and the woman in the waiting area with children in tow smelt of poo, (or at least one of them did).  I get that maybe the child's nappy needed changing so go and do it.... eeew it just made me feel sick.  I am not judging and I guess some will take issue with me mentioning it but personal hygiene is not an expensive luxury, it's about respect and self respect, it's just not necessary.

When I got home I busied myself with various things and spent ages on the phone to a friend discussing Steve's legacy.  It motivated me but, tiredness caught up with me and I ended up having to go to bed.

I slept OK last night I guess, I still feel tired this morning but I just got up anyway, I guess theres a fine line between being tired and being lazy and I know if I stay in bed that is (or can be) a slippery slope to depression.  I feel I am at the top of that slope, a bit like sitting atop a triangle.  Sometimes I start to slip down it but I pull myself back up.  I am trying to move away from the edge but it has a sort of magnetic field which drags me back so I teeter on happy and sad for the most part of most days right now, still I guess it is an improvement from being on the side of sad just getting an occasional glimpse of happy....

Well, I need to crack on today, loads to do.  Sorry for the "mystery" re Steve's legacy, some people know what it is, well those who need to know right now do and everyone else will just need to wait until it is complete, or almost complete, to be able to find out more.  I think you will all like it though xxx

Have a good Friday.
Mark

A Tiring Day

Well what a day yesterday was, sorry for the delay in posting, I really didn't feel up to it again last night but am forcing myself tonight.

As you may have seen from my post yesterday my Dad was rushed in to hospital yesterday morning.  To cut a long story short  I went across to be with him yesterday morning so spent a large amount of the day at the hospital, (the same one Steve died at).  We came home for a few hours late afternoon and then went back in the evening as they were planning to let him out.  We got out at 11.30pm! 

The upshot of it all is that they don't know what caused the collapse and they will do further investigations and will send him for tests.  I guess it's lucky he didn't pass out in the car on the motorway or at the top of a flight of stairs or something.  He's not concerned, he said he feels fine now.  I am not convinced, he would say that anyway just so people don't worry, he doesn't realise it makes them worry more.

I came home and went to bed, or at least I tried, I had stripped the bed in the morning and washed the quilt cover and had not had a chance to change it so had to fight with the duvet before getting in to bed :(  I still managed, by about 1 minute, to get in to bed before midnight, the first time in as long as I can remember.  I didn't sleep great though, I was awake early this morning.

Today has been a tiring day.  not because I have done a lot but I think I am just coming down with a cold or something similar.  My everything aches, I have a sore throat, nasal congestion and and my head is throbbing.  that sounds a little like Steve's symptoms on times, I know I am not as ill as he was though but I think an early night is in order.

I have spent a lot of today working on Steve's legacy, I have been trying to map what it will look like and more importantly what it will achieve, it's all interesting and enjoyable but I lost focus around lunchtime.  I got bogged down in reading technical stuff so had to change my plan. I wrote some more instead.

I keep trying to push myself to focus and concentrate more every day as I need to go back to work soon but I am struggling.  At home I can be grouchy, get upset and change my mind about doing something or not.  At work there is less flexibility and I really don't want to be grouchy with my colleagues or turn to a blubbering mess when the phone rings and distracts my silence or when I just cant think what I need to do next.  At home those don't matter, at work they do.

I feel I have so much to do but not enough time to do any of it, I guess in part it's because I am tired.  Yesterday didn't help, it brought back lots of things to me and it consumed the whole day, from 9am when I took the call to 11.30pm when we finally left the hospital.  Still, at least he is OK.

Not a lot of other news really, I spent a while on the phone today talking to a friend and then this evening to another friend, I have read the comments on my blog from yesterday too.  I guess it comes to us all, bad stuff I mean,  and what does seems to be evident from those and other emails and messages I have had is that bad things always happen to nice people, I have probably said this before but, maybe I need to not be so nice!

One nice thing though, to end on a positive, is that Steve's charity collection is now OVER TARGET!!!  this is FANTASTIC, obviously it would be great to get it even higher and I would desperately love that.  If you have donated already THANK YOU and especially to those who have donated MORE than once.  Remember every little helps, one beer less this month or one less take out coffee can make such a difference to the fund.  Remember, you won't be able to buy Steve a drink when you see him out so leave it here for him where it can do more good http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash I know I keep harping on about it but I make no apologies, brain tumour charities are VERY under funded and need as much help as possible. Thank you for your help from the bottom of my heart xxx

On another positive, and my final thought for the evening is that the 13 year old boy I mentioned a few days ago is making slow progress but in the right direction, please join me in sending lots of love, hopes and positive vibes to H and her family.

Goodnight and take care, until next time xxx
Mark

Hospital again...

Hospital again...
Here I am again sat at A&E at the hospital. Not for myself but this time with my Dad.

I received a call this morning just before 9am to let me know that my Dad had collapsed at work. His colleagues had tried to contact my Mum but were unable to get through so must have got my number from his mobile.

You can imagine my thoughts, not again, I really don't need the stress, neither does my Mum or anyone else in the family for that matter.

Steve's Mum and Uncle Mike were due to come and visit me today, I called to let her know my Dad has been rushed to hospital so that's been postponed. She will be down later in her own, hopefully we will know more then.

Right now I don't seem to be feeling anything, obviously worry and concern for my Dad but sort of numb too, I guess it is just too soon after Steve, I have pushed back the tears etc, not sure what I would be bawling about.

A friend tried to comfort me recently in how well I had been coping with Steve's death, her hubby says we don't get sent anything to deal with that we can't handle, now whether you believe it is God or Fate mapping our future is irrelevant, I just wonder why he or she thinks I CAN cope with all this.

How do I appeal the decision?

Sent from my iPhone

A Mixed Bag

Firstly you will have no doubt noticed the blog omission yesterday.  To be honest I thought about it a few times during the day but really didn't feel up to it.  It was a tough day yesterday.

I got up and went out and about, just a few shops I needed to visit, the same old thing Steve and I used to do really but yesterday I did it on my own.  I got upset en route from one place to another.  It felt like a normal Sunday out and about with Steve but when I looked over to the passenger seat Steve wasn't there.  It got to me..... it hurt a lot actually just seeing the empty seat next to me where Steve should be.

Later in the afternoon I had planned to walk along the canal with Dr Jon and Nick & Geoff but Jon had a migraine so wasn't able to come.  Usually I would have opted out too rather than go on my own, we're all heard the saying which ends, "three's a crowd...".  Well it was a nice walk.  A walk Steve and I have done before and the plan was when we got to the pub we'd have lunch and a beer and then walk back.

Being a sunny day the place was packed, family groups and couples and me.  It hit me like a punch in the face.  I just looked around and I suddenly became aware of being VERY single.  Not something i saw myself being and not something I wanted to be but there I was.  Even though I was there with friends I felt lonely, I cant explain it really and I don't understand it but my stomach was in knots and I just wanted to run away.  I didn't, I walked back as planned.

I said goodbye to Nick and Geoff and came home, they invited me in for a drink etc but I was aware I had become crap company just about the time I was reminded I was on my own.

I got home, read the local newspaper and went to my room, I just wanted to be on my own but when I sat on the bed I just fell asleep, I woke up around 9.30 and I could really have got undressed and stayed there but I got up.

I don't really remember how I filled my evening from there on, I guess it was just a bit of a blur until a friend called around 10.30.  He was a real tonic, I guess like most people I answer the phone and put on my phone voice so as not to upset whoever the caller is but with him I don't feel I need to, he has lost a partner too so understands.  He's very patient and just knowing he understands makes a huge difference. 

After that I spoke to another friend until around 2am this morning, again someone else who has been there and lost a partner and understands first hand how it feels.  It wasn't all doom and gloom though, we discussed Steve's legacy.  It's gathering pace and I really cant wait to give more info but i know it needs to be right so will be patient.

After that I went to bed and read until 3am this morning.  I got up at 9am though and went to visit Steve's Mum.  We sorted a few things and then I headed back home.  I called into a park on the way back to take some pictures, I thought i would photograph some flowers but I didn't.  The battery died on my camera so I went home.  There are some photos online, follow the link, they were taken yesterday in my garden and today at the park. 

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150230546292045.312730.580802044&l=f13ed3ea52

 

Since getting home this afternoon I have been busy but don't have a lot to show for it so far.  I have not eaten yet so I think that's next after this is posted.  Today has been pretty uneventful really.  I have learned a few things today though, I suppose they are good lessons to learn though and will mean I am more mindful of "self preservation".  It's not a negative thing but I realise I need to perhaps take some more time out for me, do some more things for me and not  try and keep everyone else happy.

 

Finally, I am still very conscious that my tolerance levels are VERY low.  Noise or distractions really annoy me and things which wouldn't have been an issue before Steve died now REALLY wind me up. I am trying to get back to normal but it's not happening as quick as I want, I know I need to go easy on myself but I just want to be right again, for Steve not for me, I know it would upset him to see me so sad and re-reading his blog entries reminds me of this but it really is easier said than done.

Saturday thoughts...

Well, today has certainly been a different day for me, a different sort of weekend which I guess I need to get used to.  before that though I suppose I should cover yesterday.  again, no excuse just too tired to write a blog entry. 

Yesterday was a bit of a nonsense day really, I don't remember much about the earlier part, all the days seem to be the same right now.  I did spend a lot of it though on the phone, advising Steve's  business connections he has passed away and also interestingly the tax office, I waited in a queue for over 20 minutes and my call was dealt with in 2 minutes, they will "send a form", seems to be the usual response, a blanket "we will send a form".  I guess it is better than the numpty at RBS who said we would BOTH have to sign to have Steve's DD's cancelled!

Last night Nick and Geoff came around, it wasn't planned but they brought a Chinese meal as it seems they established via my text replies I had not had not eaten since lunch.  It was much appreciated, I had not thought about dinner and would probably have settled for a bowl of cereal so "meals on wheels" was good.

They must have left before10pm and then I just got on with writing some letters I had been meaning to do, I have more to do including one to a mate in Auz.  It is surprising how many people, no, not people, friends, who have stepped up to the mark throughout Steve's illness to be there for him and us.  Something we have both appreciated, (and something I continue to appreciate) Some have stepped away too though.  It hurt Steve to see people he thought of as friends avoiding him.  Yes we knew it was difficult to face but it was Steve with the illness and shit prognosis not them.  It hurt me too to see how it affected Steve especially in regard to those friends of mine I introduced Steve to who showed their colours as "fair weather friends".

Fortunately for me Steve got to say whatever he needed to say to them before he died, he didn't worry himself about them any further but there were a few he felt sorry for afterwards.  Feeling sorry for them through is not the same as regretting.  He felt very strongly he had made the right decision and, for the record, so do I.  It is just a shame he had that stress to deal with on top of everything else in those early days and if I knew then what I know now then I would never have introduced them but such is the gift of hindsight.  Steve has taught me to be a better judge of character.  Aside from all that we have met many more friends since Steve's journey began and it is nice because we have been able to spend time with people who appreciate us. 

Anyways, all that from being grateful for meals on wheels!  Later last night I put my wedding suit in the wash..... for those who don't know Steve and I wore Asian wedding suits for our marriage, a Shilwani, Steve wore his for his farewell performance as he had said it was the happiest day of his life.  I wore my jacket but with black trousers and shirt.  Mine got makeup and allsorts on it at the funeral, people crying on my shoulder etc..... remember I am the widower not them..... anyways, it went in the machine and I waited with baited breath to see if it would come out OK, if it would shrink, if the metal embroidery spoilt or if the marks actually came out.

I didn't go to bed until 2am, again I guess I was avoiding bed but I justified myself by busying myself with paperwork that needed doing.

Today has been another odd day.  I got up this morning and felt very "slow", I just struggled to get into gear.  I tidied up a bit, put the hoover over, cleaned the cooker and generally did a few chores.  Really, this was to distract me from it being a Saturday which I would normally spend doing something nice with Steve.

I also inspected my jacket which came out of the wash before bed.  It was fine no damage apart from a few missing crystals which can easily be replaced.  I tried it on and it had not shrunk either, I was VERY happy.  It will definitely be worn again for special occasions and every time i wear it I will of course remember the day we tied the knot.

This afternoon, (after getting lost en route), Steve's Mum came down.  We went to the shops to get some picture frames for pics of Steve I had printed, we went to return a shirt I bought and don't need and we also had a little look around form something suitable for Steve's ashes.  We didn't find anything for his ashes but we had a nice time out and about chatting, I explained to her how I am going to need her to help with Stephens legacy.  It's a big ask but I am sure she can do it, I wont push though and I know she needs time to get over this as do I but in time I am sure she will be a huge help.

When we got home my olds were home, they got back from Norfolk about 30 minutes before we got home.  they had a nice time.  it was nice to see them and they seem to be better for the break, I felt better for the break too so hopefully now we are all feeling a little more positive to move forward, flog the house and start our new lives.  A scary thought but equally exciting, I guess it just depends how you view it. A fresh start doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it means remembering him and taking all the good things he taught us and taking them to a new place. I am not sure how composting will be useful to me on a boat but positivity regardless of the outlook certainly will be.  There are big changes ahead, they were not scary with Steve so I wont let them be without him.

This evening has been pretty chilled, I made a risotto for dinner, I never realised how long it takes, usually I would be chatting to Steve so time just flew past but tonight seemed to take ages.  I guess I have to get used to it.

Well not a lot of other news really, Steve's fund is growing nicely we just need a few more to smash his target and help two charities and causes very close to Steve's heart and ours, please help if you can, payday has just been and £5 even £2 or £3 will make a huge difference, you cant buy him a birthday card or Christmas present so your help is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED, we would love you to help us exceed his dreams http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash. for those who have donated though, THANK YOU, from Me, Steve's Mum and Dad and all who will benefit from your kind donation.

Well finally, and importantly, I just want to mention a friend of ours, her Nephew is very poorly after an accident on Tuesday and is is intensive care, he is 13 years old, all my hopes and positive thoughts are with Helena and her family right now.  I really do know how it feels to see someone you love dearly fighting to get better, I hope with all my heart he gets better soon, sending HUGE hugs, hopes and love to H and her family xxx

Until tomorrow xxxx Mark xxxx

Ham, Egg and Chips

Isn't it funny how so many things bring memories flooding back to you.  I was pondering an hour or so ago what to have for lunch, I thought I'd have a ham sandwich then realised I had a toasted ham sandwich for lunch yesterday so thinking what else I could do which would be quick and simple I thought "Ooooh Ham, Egg and Chips". 

Funny but just after that I tried to recall when I last ate that, I thought initially it was as a child but then remembered Steve and I had both said the same thing when we had that for lunch a few months back.

If you've been reading a while you will know in January Steve and I went to Peckforton Castle for short break, it was a Christmas present and very nice it was too but, on the way to check in at http://www.peckfortoncastle.co.uk/ we passed a pub and decided to call in for lunch, one of these country pubs jam packed with people who have driven from all over to eat there because the food was so good. 

We paid a daft amount of money for such a simple meal but we both REALLY enjoyed it, free range eggs, proper chips and locally sourced ham, ah, simple pleasures.

Eating my lunch has been very pleasant as I have been able to reminisce about that happy time. 

When Steve got diagnosed we tried our best to do lots of nice things, see our friends, spend time with people we like and with each other as we knew those experiences are what memories are made of, as I said, even the little things like a simple lunch can bring so many warm and comforting memories.

I realise I have not done a blog yet for yesterday, no excuse I just didn't feel like and avoided the computer last night.

Yesterday after getting up I decided to deal with the eBay stuff, long story short there was an issue with one item which we had listed (I say we because I am not taking the blame), basically we listed something in error which had already sold.  I wrote to the buyer and apologised etc and set the refund in motion but imagine my surprise to get several really horrible messages back, this is AFTER I had explained the situation and with Steve dying....  Anyway, he apologised later and the issue is now resolved but like I said the other day, life goes on.  The missing item is not a big priority for me as I have bigger things on my mind but other people don't have the same perspective on life as me.

Yesterday afternoon Mel came over and we went for a walk on the canal, it was nice to get out.  usually we chat for hours at home so it was nice to do that but out and about as we got to chat and spend time together but we both got out and about too, it was nice to be "normal" for a bit even though I guess Steve monopolised the conversation, still i am not making excuses or apologising for it, right now I don't seem to think about much else, I miss him more and more each passing hour.

It's the nights that are the worse bits, I was more or less OK all day yesterday but as it got to 10.30 ish I was feeling tired, a friend text to say goodnight and I thought yes, bed, I need to go.....  I didn't, I played silly games on the phone until around midnight when I realised i wasn't interested in the game, I was avoiding bed.

I went to bed and then it hit me again, just as it seems to every night and every morning, not loneliness but just a sharp awareness of loss.  For all the hugs my friends and family have given me the only one I want is Steve's and I will never ever feel that again.  Most of my friends have someone there to hug when they get to bed, or when they wake up, I don't anymore.  When I feel crap the one person I want to turn to is not there.  The one person who would know and understand how I feel, is not there.  The person who understands my sense of humour and sarcasm is not there.... he's just not there at all.

I feel him in my heart and yes, people say he is "with you" but lets face it, it's now a one way street with one way conversation and how can you hug a memory?  I guess in reality the tough bits are always going to be there, being without Steve is not hurting less as the days roll on but I am getting used to the feelings I am left with.

People say time heals, I don't believe it, all time does is allows us to adjust to and accept these new feelings.  to know that this pain is "normal" and will not go away.  I WILL learn to accept it though, if I don't then I have let Cancer win and I am NOT letting it take my life too, I am going to live on for Steve to make sure his legacy lives on.

Funny isn't it how Ham Egg and Chips can bring all this on....

Steve's Cooking

I've just come off the phone to Steve's Mum, she mentioned my blog from last night and also told me how the big picture she has of Stephen fell off the wall at 5.30 this morning.  Nothing spooky, we just think the picture was too big or heavy for the hook that was used.  Even if he could I doubt he would push a picture off the wall.

It reminded me though I messed a bit out of my blog last night.  As I said Steve's Mum came down last night as usual for dinner.  I had been to check the freezer etc earlier in the day and decided I would just use up a ready meal Steve and I bought for those nights where you just can't be bothered cooking.  Not because I couldn't be bothered but because I was busy sorting out.

Anyway, when we popped out yesterday we bought some garlic bread to go with the meatballs and wedges ready meal.  Anyway, long story short, despite following instructions, the wedges cooked far too quick, the meatballs were too slow so had to stay in a little longer but the garlic bread got a black coating around the edges.  I insisted it wasn't burnt as Stephen would have done the same, I'll explain.

Since moving to this house some 5½ years ago Steve has had quite a few cooking disasters.  I say in this house because in the previous place when he cooked I don't recall him having that many disasters, mainly because he was home first so food was ready when I got home and any disaster would or may have been sorted before I got home.

Here though there have been many.  Not that his cooking got worse but he used to get distracted, he would pop something in the oven, on the hob, or under the grill, usually on a high heat "so it cooks quicker" then go back to whatever he was doing, get completely distracted and before you know it the bottom of the pan etc would be burnt.  Steve always said that the burnt bits were good for you or that they were not burnt they were just well done or slightly dark...

The same thing happened to Steve's Mum and I last night, we put the food in and got distracted (looking at cremation urn's on the Internet) and before we knew it we had a meal which resembled one of Stephens.  Not we can't be sure if he has had any influence in this at all (we wouldn't want to admit blame would we) but it did make us giggle, it felt like him having a joke with us so that's where we'll leave it.  I guess I could lots of things to disprove our theory but I don't want to.

It's strangely comforting to attribute odd things, coincidences, or strange goings on to someone close who has passed away.  It sort of keeps them here.  I know he is not and I desperately wish he was but I also know no amount of wishing and hoping will do that but it still doesn't stop me from hoping that soon I will wake up and this will have all been a horrible dream.

I'm not sure what today has on the cards, I think I might empty the car, it's going soon and I will get a banger.  I don't need a fancy new car, it was just for peace of mind knowing I was unlikely to break down with Steve and make him late for a hospital appointment or have him waiting around for recovery when he is poorly.  I don't need to worry about that so just an old banger will do.  I hope I don't owe much, or if I do I hope it is not a lot but it's something that needs sorting soon.

Well I am going to dash for now, my quick update has been a little longer than expected.
I'll write later hopefully,
Mark

Well firstly to catch up on where I left off yesterday.  Shirley came around as planned.  She stopped for a brew and a chat but brought the donations from the crematorium at Steve's service along with the Red Top hat, many people didn't know, (although a few asked) that the hat Shirley wore at Stephens service on Friday was his.  It was worn in honour of him, a little bit of Steve's stage career there out front and she wore it beautifully, although we did tease shirley that Steve would expect her to roll it up her arm, across her chest and down the other arm, not because he did but because he was always fascinated with how it was done.

She also brought back the order of service booklets that were left behind.  I have them here now so if you would like a copy sent to you then please let me know and I will post it out for you, I am guessing if you are reading this blog you will have another means of contacting me, either email or facebook etc rather than posting your address publicly/

Finally Shirley also brought Stephen home, well his ashes at least.  She said he weighs a lot less than the last time she brought him home, now he just weighs 9llbs or 4kg which is not much more than the 6llb something he weighed at birth, (I dont know what that is in Kilo's).  It's off having his ashes here, he sat on the floor in the lounge last night with me and then I took him to our bedroom last night.  I guess thats where his ashes will remain for now until I (and his Mum & Dad) , decide what to do with him. 

I was up till really late last night looking at urn's, jewellery which is made from or incorporates ashes and other things you can do with cremation ashes.  No decisions made but I learned a lot.  I learned I could pay up to £600 ish for a pot to put his ashes in which will collect dust on the mantlepiece.  I learned if I wanted to turn him into a diamond then it's likely to cost arounf £10,000 for a decent size stone and that there are a huge amount of legal and technical issues which would need addressing to scatter his ashes in a public place.

Too many decisions to worry about right now.  My head is not with it anyway so am not going to push myself to think on it just yet.

This morning the olds went away for a few days.  It is my mothers birthday today and although I got her a card etc she was not feeling at all celebratory.  In fact, I guess the card may have upset her a little as it was a reminder that Steve has missed what would normally be a fun excuse to spend timetogether as a family.  I am guessing there will be more such events to act as a twist of the knife.  I have said before, whilst it is lovely having friends and family around at the moment they have to return to their own lives pretty soon, their own families, partners and children.  I can't help but think though that the tough times lie ahead.  Our wedding anniversary, Christmas,  Valentines day, Steve's birthday, The anniversary of his diagnosis, the anniversary of his surgery and the many other dates and times where a glance at the calendar could strike a brutal blow, a slap in the face reminder of what I (and we), have lost.

As the house has been quiet I felt like "getting on" with stuff, I started by taking down the cards we have been sent.  There was almost 100 cards, I re-read them all and will keep them as a reminder of how truly loved Steve was and what lovely friends we have.  I have a lovely box which will now serve as my "memory box" with special reminders of Steve in.

After that I decided to make headway on sorting our bedroom.  It was tough to say the least but I thought I would start with the easiest, or smallest area, his bedside cabinet.  Well there was all sorts of memories there.  Brithday and christmas cards from me to Steve some 4 years ago, our first anniversary card and other keepsakes all of which Steve has kept.  Lotions and potions, youth cream, anti wrinkle, eye creams and the special moisturiser he was given by the hospital to treat the sore areas of his head from the radio therapy.    A mixed bag of emotion in there but quite easy to dispose of some things (like half used creams etc) and the other stuff which I hesitated over I figured those should be kept until my head is in a better place for making tougher decisions and they went back.

Next on to the two (large) drawers he had for t-shirts, some easy decisions there too, the ones he used for scruffs were easy to identify but there were a few in there, (which I have kept) which have very pleasant memories.  For example the Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt he bought the day after we met, instead of taking him home to get a change of clothes we just bought new because it was easier than driving to the other side of town.  It has not fitted him for a long time but I guess he had kept it for sentimental reasons too. I am not sure yet what I will do with it though.

From there it was on to his wardrobe.  I counted 27 pairs of jeans, some worn once or twice only and others he wore loads.  The jeans he wore the very first time I met him were there too.  I have made him keep them for such a long time.  His bum always looked so cute in them and they fitted him beautifully... I won't say much more though other than they bring back a lot of happy memories.  On top of that there were pairs of trousers, utility pants etc so a huge amount. 

Hoodies, shirts, jumpers etc, there was loads.  I have kept a huge amount of stuff, in fact a full wardrobe full.  It seems he had 3 wardrobes of clothes in his though so there is loads to dispose of.  Some things I have sidelined for certain people though, not sure if they will want them but at least I can ask, the reasoning makes sense in my head.

After that I decided I needed a break so I decided to input some donations I had received for Steve and his chosen charities, I did that and as I write we are at 84% of the total target.  I would love to be able to smash the target for him.  Brain Tumours receive less than 1% of any funds raised for cancer in the UK but more people under 40 years old die of brain tumours than any other cancer and there have been no significant advances in research in the past 25 years because funding is so difficult to get.  For those that have donated I am EXTREMELY grateful, as are Stephens Mum and Dad etc but please help us smash that target by sharing the facebook link, forwarding this blog, tweeting or re-tweeting (I am adifferentmark on twitter) any amount is appreciated no matter how small you feel it may be, the link is http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash. and I would REALLY love and appreciate any help possible in reaching our goal.  One less beer or takeaway this month might not make a big difference to you but to BTBuddies (Brain Tumour Buddies)  and Christies Neurosciences it would.

This afternoon Steve's Mum camedown, we chatted a bit and she also brought some money down that her friends had collected in memory of Steve.  We went to the Tattoo shop as Rone there had called to ask me to come down as he had something for me.   It was a transfer of Steve's tattoo he had done in August last year, not long before he was admitted to hospital.It was lovely to have the original and again, that will live in Steve's memory box.  Obviously I could never see his tattoo again but I can see the original artwork.

After that we did a little shopping, came home for dinner then went to Ikea for a frame for a large picture of Steve she has, (It needed to match the frames she already has) then home for a brew before she set off home again.

This evening I have sat here alone and in silence, it is quite nice to hear the silence.  No TV, music or traffic just silence.  I enjoy it more at the moment and I guess this is because my tolerance levels are really low.

So, all in all, it has not been too bad a day, I have had a few tears and a few tough moments but overall I feel positive.  I am conscious though I have been a bit of a hermit and not been in touch with most of the world, I'm sorry, normal service will resume as soon as possible.  I did just hear from an old friend though, she is not old but we have known her a while, it was good to talk, she's a bit manic but a great tonic.  She said the same as many have said, Steve's funeral was different to any she has ever been to before and she really enjoyed it and felt it appropriate.  We know "enjoy" seems like the wrong word but I got what she meant and enjoy is a good word, Steve wanted a celebration of his life, not doom and gloom, yes the service made people cry but it also made people laugh, not many funerals raise a laugh but Steve's did.  A unique service for a unique man, my man, my husband, my soul mate, still missing him more with every passing minute, still extremely proud and happy to have had him in my life.

I am going to sign off now before I start thinking too deeply and sending myself in to another wave of tears..
Please remember to tweet, Re-tweet, share and 'like' Steves fundraising page, as I said it is VERY MUCH appreciated, until tomorrow, http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash.

Sorting...

Well first of all to finish off from yesterday

RE-POST: I Want to be....

33

I woke up this morning - with a headache as usual, but also a little grey
cloud hanging over me, I soon got rid of it, but it did leave me thinking.

My prognosis of 12-18 months, all be it a bit pants, takes me to March 2012.
One month before my 33rd birthday.

Now when I was younger I never wanted to get "old" and the 30's was old in
my eyes. But now I want to be 33, I want to be 53 and so on.

With my birthday coming up next weekend (just a reminder for you all.... its
next Sunday) it just made me think.

I have promised myself that I will get to 33, and am having a party, and it
will be a right royal two fingers up to Cancer as I can then say, at least I
beat you.

Team Steve 1 - Cancer 0

That's my little grey cloud for today, its blown away though now, and the
sun is shining through.

Will update later.

Steve

Reading this today has made me think, nothing new but just think that I have
been right in pointing out that Steve NEVER gave up he always stayed
positive as this shows, his thought passed in a moment, he noted it for
future reference but he wasn't going to let the it get the better of him.

I guess in part I am trying to convince myself that for me to get upset and
grieve for him for an extended period means that I too have let cancer win,
I will have let it get to me, to affect my life or even to hinder my life,
Cancer won't beat me either, I will try to be strong for Steve and not let
it win, I can't promise I will win the fight every day or every hour of
every day but I will try. He was so strong and positive I need to be too.

The doctor has today signed me off work for 2 weeks, I don't know if I will
feel better in two weeks but I will have to find a new norm soon. I spoke
to my boss earlier, he was there on Friday too and said how nice he thought
the service was. I turned to mush, just him mentioning Steve made me
crumble, hardly able to talk and tears running down my face,

Steve's Granny called this afternoon, she said how pleased she was with the
service and how peaceful she felt after it. I guess that was one of my
worries as Stephens service was unlike any other, no Vicar or Minister just
friends paying their last respects to a man they knew and loved.

After Granny called Shirley called from the Funeral home, she has been
brilliant and I am so pleased with all she has done for Steve. She will
call around later to sort a few things, that'll be good, she has a calming
influence on me, much like Steve did.

Well I might write more later, who knows, like I said I just saw this post
in Steve's "Sent Items" and it made me think.

Sunday....

Well here I am, Sunday afternoon at home. It's odd, Steve and I liked our weekends at home, just relaxing or busying ourselves with ebay etc but today isn't the same, pretty obvious really I guess.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself though, I have been here sorting Steve's laptop, I started last night but got upset. I felt like I was spying on him. I have never read his emails or logged in to his accounts before so I felt awful doing that yesterday.
As I said it upset me just the realisation that I have to do it because he can't, it is difficult to explain.
At the moment I am just trying to tidy up our files, starting with e-copies then i will try and sort some of the paper files. There is such a lot to do and even more so when you can't think properly since Stephen died. Simple things seem to take a long time and more complex stuff is a no no completely.
I have been making a list of things to do. So far it is in my head but it changes as I forget then remember and forget again.
I suppose it will all get done eventually.

Funeral

Two posts in one day again, I must try not to make it a habit but wont make any promises.

Well for those of you unable to attend the funeral yesterday and perhaps for those that did but are interested in my take on it then I thought I would update you all here.  At the moment I cannot explain my feelings but it is a bit like anaesthetic I guess, I am conscious of what is going on around me but I am not really feeling it.

The morning began yesterday after just a few hours sleep.  I hadn't gone to bed until 2am and the alarm was set for 7.30 and I seem to recall being awake at some point through the night but I think I did sleep a little.

I got a shower first thing and a shave, not a big deal really but the shave felt significant.  When Stephen first went in to hospital I hadn't managed to shave for a day or two, work and hospital routines meant grooming was kept to a shower, change and back out the door. 

Steve didn't like the beard that followed but we made a deal, I would get rid of it just as soon as he got better, (at the time we didn't know it was a tumour), he ageed but, as he has never got better I have worn a beard for 9 months.  Yesterday really signified the start of a new chapter for Steve, whether one believes he has gone on to elsewhere or not his legacy is alive and well and here and I have taken his legacy as my purpose.

Stephen was brought home around 8.30am, we had made space in the lounge we called our own and his coffin was open.  He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, still as handsome as always, it was a fitting close to that chapter in his life as he left from his home, our home, for his final journey in this life at around 12.30.

The journey to the crematorium was relatively short and it was warming to see so many familiar faces at the Crematorium including some Steve and I met in the first days of his diagnosis,  family, friends and colleagues who have been there throughout Stephens journey to support him and us in so many ways.  Some just by being there or being themselves and others in different ways but I felt proud to see how many people had come to say a fond farewell to Stephen.

The service went without a hitch and many said they felt it a fitting tribute, "Life is a Cabaret" by Liza Minelli is not really a typical funeral song but it was one chosen for Stephen's and as well as it being one of his favourite numbers to perform it also represented his mantra.  Before we went out on stage, whenever he felt nervous or just when a situation was difficult he would just say, "Tits and Teeth!"A broad smile and a large intake of breath and on with the show.

All of the speakers got through their pieces brilliantly and for that I am VERY proud of them all, the did Stephen proud and would like to re-iterate a public thanks here too.  It was an emotional and difficult day for us all but we got through it.

Afterward there was the usual beer and buffet at a local golf club.  A bit out of the way but it was fine, we were there to drink a toast to Steve not to critique the decor.  The afternoon came to a natural end as evening approached and many went on to their locals to continue celebrations, Steve would have approved.

Many of my friends and family went on to a friends house to continue with the celebrations but I felt I wanted to be with Stephen's family so I went with them to Oldham.  It was lovely to spend time with them and we all went for an Indian meal at a restaurant which has without doubt become a firm family favourite with one member in particular dining there at least three nights a week. 

At the end of the night though I felt I needed to be home.  I was very grateful for a lift home from a close friend of the family, I felt guilty as it had been a long day for her but she would not allow me to get a taxi and would not drop me at the train station.  I had just felt it inappropriate for me to be out all night when I had only laid Stephen to rest earlier the same day.  My family were surprised to see me home.

That was the end of the day, after changing and putting the world to rights before bed I think I did manage to get some sleep.  Today has felt weird.  The only way i can describe it is like I  feel lost. 

For the last week or so I have been planning and arranging and fussing overt a funeral.  Thats done now so I can get back to normal.  Whats normal though?  Normal life has Steve in it, at the centre of it and within every aspect of it.  I don't have Steve here any more so therefore I don't have a normal.

Maybe it will come in time........

A moments thought...

As I sit here now at the side of the canal alone I don't feel lonely. There is something strangely comforting and calming about being here, the wind in the trees the birds song and not a lot else.
Being alone is not a bad thing right now, it has been lovely to have lots of people around but it is nice to have quiet time too.
It feels like I have escaped, I took Natalya to the train station then drove to the canal and have so far walked over an hour from where I was. A hour or so to walk back means there might be a phonecall soon to check on me.
I can't explain how I feel, I don't understand it I do know at the moment though I am struggling to be sociable for any period of time, it's a mask I can put on for a while but it slips. Stephen was my world and he's gone.
I keep reminding myself he won't be back, am I punishing myself or helping it become real, I don't know.