Well I guess it's about time I actually write something and today, being Stephens birthday seems an appropriate day. He would have been 34 today. It's his second birthday since he got his angel wings. I don't mind admitting its a difficult day. Of course I still miss Steve and then feel guilt for Jon but I think he understands. Circumstances beyond the control of either of us brought us together and far from him being a 'second option' I love them as much as each other but only one can reciprocate. I'm sure some thought it would be a "passing fad" or "on the re-bound" but that's not the case.
I am as surprised as anyone to have found someone so special so soon but we make each other happy. We've been together now well over a year. I won't say it's been easy, it's not been but, most of the difficulties have been due to factors outside out relationship so as those are resolved things just keep getting better.
When I wrote last I mentioned I was in training for my new job. It was intense to say the least and not everyone who started met the grade and completed so I was pleased to have qualified early in March. I am now a driver for Metrolink.
Yes, driving trams wasn't something I ever envisaged doing but compared to my last job it's great. The main motivation for leaving my old job was that I was working long hours, over and above those contracted with no thanks or appreciation and no monetary reward either. Here at least I have sign on and sign off times. Work outside those hours is voluntary and paid and there is no chance of me being expected to take work home. The shifts can make socialising difficult as when I finish at 1am there's few people around for a chat but the shifts are planned well in advance so at least I know when the next break is coming. All in all, the stress if training was worth it and now I get to enjoy driving a 2Million pounds vehicle weighing around 40 Tons (unloaded) and seeing the sights and sounds of Manchester and surrounding areas on a daily basis.
Looking back there are a few other significant events, flowers from Jon, a visit from Spider-Man and some weekends away including a beautiful 5 star mini break with Jon for passing my exams and most recently a lovely weekend visiting friends. Those are the good things. On the down side my Sister is having to have her dog euthanised today.
She got her from a rescue centre, many years ago, she was an abused dog so took time to settle but she was certainly one of the family. I'm not sure how many years, probably more than 10 or 12 years but I think my sister has had the dog longer than she's had her husband! The dog has been poorly recently and the vet has advised it's "for the best" as she's likely to be in pain etc. I really feel for her an feel sad myself too because Simba really was like Michelle's shadow. I'm very sad about it too. This has come days after Jon has had to bury his Dads cat who died on Monday.
They may "only" be pets but when they are with you for many years, you care for them and nurture them and see their little personality traits and you really do become attached. My cats were great after I lost Steve, even my antisocial cat, Marmalade, would sit with me just to keep me company. Lately Tigi, who was Steve's cat before I met him, has been very affectionate to Jon. I think she approves. He is very much a cat person and she is able to look cute and make him do what she wants!
Well, time has flown by and I'm up at 4.30 am tomorrow so I'll bid you all goodnight and I hope to write soon as there's plenty more to say .
Bye for now.
Mark x
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
Tuesday, 8 January 2013
Time flies
It doesn't seem that long since I was looking forward to 2012 and wondering what it would bring well, even though I may have hoped for what I got I doubt I would have thought it possible. A new job, a new partner, a registered charity number and the house sold.... Well 3 out of 4 ain't bad and hopefully the house will sell soon.
The new job is going well. I've been in training since I started on 3rd December and will be until the end of March. It's going well, I am enjoying it and am sure I have made the right move.
The charity is ticking over, it's almost on a simmer as my main job is getting my full attention until the period is over.
The new relationship is not that new any more, it's 10 months in now and is good. The parts I used to dislike about new relationships, the learning about habits good and bad and likes and dislikes are now the things I like and am enjoying. It's not always perfect but isn't that part of learning about each other? I think so, that, for me, is exactly what makes it perfect. The fact we are both takin the time to learn about; and from each other.
Looking forward to the year ahead there is much I would like to happen and much that could happen but I really only want the house to sell so we can all move on and have a fresh start.
This year I am planning to utilise an idea I read about. Basically every day you make a note of something that made you smile or made you happy along with something which may have made you sad or frustrated you. Then, at the end of the year, open the jar and look back on all the good memories but also look back at the frustrations and see how well you have overcome the challenges you faced.
I've started well and hope to be able to keep the momentum going. I may not manage 365 notes this year but I hope to at least capture a large part of the minor highs throughout the year.
Well I guess that's about all for now, I'm on a meal break at work so it's time to get back to it.
Until next time, take care,
Mark X
Monday, 31 December 2012
New Year.... that means catch up today!
Looking back over the years entries including that from new year 2011/12 I can see how very much things have changed. Before I go on though I just think it’s worth getting Christmas out of the way with a mention at very least. I had a lovely Christmas this year, waking up in the arms of someone I loved so much was perfect. Something I never imagined possible again just 12 months previously. I don’t need to labour much on the gifts, it’s about the giving not the receiving however, there are some I’d rather have not received. I was fore warned though. I’m not a snob at all but “Poundland” is not known for its fine fragrances.
My Sister and Brother in Law arrived on Christmas Day from Norfolk which was a big surprise for my Mum. She didn’t think she was coming until late on Boxing Day so she was very pleased to see my Sister, as was I. I had to help keep the surprise by laying the table for five (without sis and brother in law) and also only putting presents out for those who were “supposed “ to be here at Christmas.
The meal went off without a hitch. Everything was homemade, nothing was “courtesy of.... A.N.Other supermarket” but all fresh wholesome food prepared with a hint of creativity from yours truly.
On Boxing Day Jon and I didn’t bother getting dressed at all. We slobbed all day in our dressing gowns. It was lovely to just relax all day after a later start. It was something neither of us would usually do. The following day we attended a family party and since then we have also caught up with some other friends. It’s been lovely to spend time with family and friends, new and old. It reminds us what’s important and I hope we can spend more time with each other and those who are important to us for the coming year. We, (I) had hoped to go and visit friends for new year too but after being landed with a £565.00 bill for heating repairs the funds just won’t stretch. Hopefully we can catch up early in the new year though.
Back to now. It’s New Years Eve. One of my least favourite nights of the year. It always has been. Those with Steve before diagnosis were the best I remember but since then they have been as unpleasant as I always remember. Maybe in the future this will change, I expect so.
Looking back over the year there have been many low points. The first anniversary of Steve’s passing, losing friends, being hurt by “friends” and of course the usual tribulations of life when things don’t go to plan. I am sure there are some people who would delight in my pain. They’ll get no satisfaction here. Happiness is the overwhelming flavour of the last 12 months. Some of it forced because I refuse to let grief and/or Cancer spoil my life any more but most of it a genuine and enthusiastic, and an all consuming feeling.
Early this year I met a very special man. Not someone to replace or compare to Steve but someone different, VERY different and he has had a wonderful impact on my life. Yes he knows of and accepts Steve but he also accepts me and I accept him. We BOTH have “baggage” but we manage to make each other very happy. I’ve found a new job and have managed to get the charity I set up in Stephens memory set up. I have a charity number for the charity www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk now and have a clear vision of where I want to “take it”. When the training for my new job finishes early in March I will be able to focus more time on it and move it forward in leaps hopefully.
Looking forward I have so many hopes and aspirations for the future. Some of them as an individual and some of them as part of a couple. Some will be achieved this year and others may take longer and some may need re-considering but, the important thing is that I am aware of that and accept it and I know, because I have lived through such horrible times, that no matter what life throws at me I can deal with it and I will come out the other side, stronger and better for it. On a more flippant note this cheers me as tonight I’ve discovered my washing machine has broken. That’s £565 for boiler repairs and now a new washing machine...! Goodbye 2012 an d hello 2013!
Whatever you’re up to this evening have a lovely time. Take a moment to recall those who have made you happy this year. Friends and family. I will be.
I hope you have a peaceful and happy 2013 and I wish you all you wish for yourself.
Lots of Love,
Mark x
Wednesday, 19 December 2012
One year older
One year older but do I feel wiser? Hmm it's debatable. Looking back to my birthday One year ago I can see I was in a very different place.
Here is the post from the day before my birthday last year: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/12/significant-six.html
I could never have imagined the year I have had. I don't remember what I wanted for the coming year last year but I never imagined, just three months after this post it would bring a new partner as special as Jonathan.
So lets look at it. It's now 18 months since Steve passed away. It's gone really quickly. As you will have read in recent posts I have had highs and lows but Steve is very much still a part of my life and of Jonathan's life too now as if it affects me then it affects him too.
It seems some people have assumed because I have Jonathan then I have forgotten Steve. That isn't the case at all. Eighteen months on though and in general I feel like I am in a good place. Jon has really made a difference in my life. I'm not sure what my frame of mind would have been now if I had not met him but I'm not going to dwell on it. I am just happy I met him.
My birthday this year has been lovely. Jon tried his best to get me "excited" about my birthday this year but I struggled. I guess I have been nonchalant about it for a few years so am just not used to enjoying it.
This year though I did enjoy it. It started on Thursday when Jon took me to see Ken Dodd's show. I mentioned a few weeks ago I'd like to see him whilst I still can as he's 85 and wont be around forever. The show started at 7.30 but he is notorious for being on stage for a very long time. This was a problem as I had an important exam to sit on Friday morning so we left in the interval.... at 10.40! He was great and my lasting impression was that he thoroughly enjoyed doing what he does.
I commented that I would be happy to work until I physically can't work any more so long as I am able to enjoy it as much he clearly loved what he does. That is of course if I am lucky enough to get to his age.
On Friday we had a relaxed night in and on Saturday we went to a family gathering. That was nice too. On Sunday I got to open presents. That was lovely. My Sister and some other friends had sent presents and Jon had bought loads, it was great. I don't think I am a difficult person to buy for though. Everything was lovely and there is too much to list and I appreciate it all and will look forward to using them.
On reflection I don't think I looked forward to the last two birthdays as there seemed little to look forward to. There was so much uncertainty in the future but the future generally looked bleak. Now I have a new partner I realise I have a brighter future. Not because of him but in part, with him. Being "loved up" again makes everything seem better.
The other positive change has been the new job. I am really enjoying it so that has lifted my spirits too. The house needs to sell now and then things would be really rosy. I keep getting told to let things take shape in their own time, I'm impatient though and whilst I know "everything for a reason and nothing before its time" it's still toughs obtaining focus. I suppose though I now have a special guardian angel, he sent me a new partner and guided me toward a new job so I guess he will be nudging the move in due course.
Well, this week so far has been a good but busy one. Seeing friends, wrapping presents and finishing off the chrimbo prep. Not long to go now before the fat fella comes down the chimney so I will try and write again before then but if not will at least aim to "review the year" before it ends.
Take care of you and yours and I hope you all have a happy safe and wonderful christmas.
Lots of love,
M x
Sent from my iPhone
Here is the post from the day before my birthday last year: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/12/significant-six.html
I could never have imagined the year I have had. I don't remember what I wanted for the coming year last year but I never imagined, just three months after this post it would bring a new partner as special as Jonathan.
So lets look at it. It's now 18 months since Steve passed away. It's gone really quickly. As you will have read in recent posts I have had highs and lows but Steve is very much still a part of my life and of Jonathan's life too now as if it affects me then it affects him too.
It seems some people have assumed because I have Jonathan then I have forgotten Steve. That isn't the case at all. Eighteen months on though and in general I feel like I am in a good place. Jon has really made a difference in my life. I'm not sure what my frame of mind would have been now if I had not met him but I'm not going to dwell on it. I am just happy I met him.
My birthday this year has been lovely. Jon tried his best to get me "excited" about my birthday this year but I struggled. I guess I have been nonchalant about it for a few years so am just not used to enjoying it.
This year though I did enjoy it. It started on Thursday when Jon took me to see Ken Dodd's show. I mentioned a few weeks ago I'd like to see him whilst I still can as he's 85 and wont be around forever. The show started at 7.30 but he is notorious for being on stage for a very long time. This was a problem as I had an important exam to sit on Friday morning so we left in the interval.... at 10.40! He was great and my lasting impression was that he thoroughly enjoyed doing what he does.
I commented that I would be happy to work until I physically can't work any more so long as I am able to enjoy it as much he clearly loved what he does. That is of course if I am lucky enough to get to his age.
On Friday we had a relaxed night in and on Saturday we went to a family gathering. That was nice too. On Sunday I got to open presents. That was lovely. My Sister and some other friends had sent presents and Jon had bought loads, it was great. I don't think I am a difficult person to buy for though. Everything was lovely and there is too much to list and I appreciate it all and will look forward to using them.
On reflection I don't think I looked forward to the last two birthdays as there seemed little to look forward to. There was so much uncertainty in the future but the future generally looked bleak. Now I have a new partner I realise I have a brighter future. Not because of him but in part, with him. Being "loved up" again makes everything seem better.
The other positive change has been the new job. I am really enjoying it so that has lifted my spirits too. The house needs to sell now and then things would be really rosy. I keep getting told to let things take shape in their own time, I'm impatient though and whilst I know "everything for a reason and nothing before its time" it's still toughs obtaining focus. I suppose though I now have a special guardian angel, he sent me a new partner and guided me toward a new job so I guess he will be nudging the move in due course.
Well, this week so far has been a good but busy one. Seeing friends, wrapping presents and finishing off the chrimbo prep. Not long to go now before the fat fella comes down the chimney so I will try and write again before then but if not will at least aim to "review the year" before it ends.
Take care of you and yours and I hope you all have a happy safe and wonderful christmas.
Lots of love,
M x
Sent from my iPhone
Friday, 7 December 2012
Catch up
Wow! It's been over a month since I blogged last. How time has flown and how things have changed in such a short space of time.
On November 5th I received a call confirming I could start my new job on December 3rd. I quickly had to submit my notice and start finalising things including the £200k funding bid I was working on.
My notice period went without a hitch really. I was pleased to leave my old job as so much has changed and it had become less enjoyable. I'm not going to discuss my new job as many will know what it is and it isn't really that important although its suffice to say this week has been very enjoyable. It's week one of an eleven week training course so there's a long way to go but I'm pleased I made the move.
I had to call back in to the old place on Wednesday to sign the £200k bid before submission. We will find out how it's gone in around 16 weeks so fingers crossed eh!
Part of the reason for leaving my old job is so I can spend more time focussing on a more personal project. Although the new job is still full time I won't be able to take my job or work home with me so in my spare time I can focus my energies on making a difference to other people's lives.
If you've read for a long time then you will know Stephen and I had a very mixed experience of cancer and of cancer support. We found there is no specific support for members of the LGBT community dealing with cancer. After he'd receive his first wave of treatment Stephen and I made a pact to rectify this just as soon as he got better.
As you know, he didn't get better but I've still kept to my end of the bargain. With support from a friend and also Steve's Mum who has been doing car boot sales this year to raise funds we have finally got to a point where we are now registered as a charity with the charity commission.
www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk was "born" this October officially. This isn't the end of the journey but the very beginning. There is a lot to do and I am slowly gathering support. I have an old friend who is an accounts expert who has volunteered for doing the finance stuff and a few others who are happy to help wherever possible but I will also be on the lookout for others, researchers, web designers, graphic designers, copywriters and other forms of help which I may not yet know I need.
Take a look at the website and feel free to use the contact form there to tell me what you think. It's going to change a lot over the coming months. Those changes will probably happen more once training for my new job is complete but at least I am now in a job which will afford me free time to do what I want and need.
I must say I have been very lucky though to have the support of those around me and in particular the support of a partner who is happy to help and support me in trying to pay the best possible tribute I can to my late partner. I am not sure outsiders understand what a positive effect he has had on me and some perhaps do not want to see how good he has been for me, it may be that they don't want to see because their feelings for steve are influencing that but the point is though that I know and I appreciate it.
On times I feel I need to remind other people that I am still a widower and I am still fighting a daily battle to deal with how that makes me feel. Not Jonathan, in fact never Jonathan, he accepts Stephen is as much a part of his life as he is mine. I am convinced others look in and think I have forgotten Steve and their insensitivity, attitudes and actions back this theory up. It's difficult, for many reasons. Yes, I have good days and good weeks but a recent incident reminded me that my recovery this far is relatively fragile.
Onwards. Christmas is just over two weeks away and then new year. I love Christmas and hate new year by I am looking forward to reflecting on this year. It's been difficult. There have been good and bad times and whilst its been wonderful meeting someone special in equal measure that has been tough too. Obviously my history factors a part of the difficulty but there are other external factors too. Hopefully 2013 will be more positive.
For now though most presents have been bought, many are wrapped its mainly Jonathan I have left to buy for. This weekend though we are heading to London so no shopping but, I am looking forward to us spending time together .
I'm signing off for now, have a great weekend and I hope to write soon
xxx M xxx
Sent from my iPhone
On November 5th I received a call confirming I could start my new job on December 3rd. I quickly had to submit my notice and start finalising things including the £200k funding bid I was working on.
My notice period went without a hitch really. I was pleased to leave my old job as so much has changed and it had become less enjoyable. I'm not going to discuss my new job as many will know what it is and it isn't really that important although its suffice to say this week has been very enjoyable. It's week one of an eleven week training course so there's a long way to go but I'm pleased I made the move.
I had to call back in to the old place on Wednesday to sign the £200k bid before submission. We will find out how it's gone in around 16 weeks so fingers crossed eh!
Part of the reason for leaving my old job is so I can spend more time focussing on a more personal project. Although the new job is still full time I won't be able to take my job or work home with me so in my spare time I can focus my energies on making a difference to other people's lives.
If you've read for a long time then you will know Stephen and I had a very mixed experience of cancer and of cancer support. We found there is no specific support for members of the LGBT community dealing with cancer. After he'd receive his first wave of treatment Stephen and I made a pact to rectify this just as soon as he got better.
As you know, he didn't get better but I've still kept to my end of the bargain. With support from a friend and also Steve's Mum who has been doing car boot sales this year to raise funds we have finally got to a point where we are now registered as a charity with the charity commission.
www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk was "born" this October officially. This isn't the end of the journey but the very beginning. There is a lot to do and I am slowly gathering support. I have an old friend who is an accounts expert who has volunteered for doing the finance stuff and a few others who are happy to help wherever possible but I will also be on the lookout for others, researchers, web designers, graphic designers, copywriters and other forms of help which I may not yet know I need.
Take a look at the website and feel free to use the contact form there to tell me what you think. It's going to change a lot over the coming months. Those changes will probably happen more once training for my new job is complete but at least I am now in a job which will afford me free time to do what I want and need.
I must say I have been very lucky though to have the support of those around me and in particular the support of a partner who is happy to help and support me in trying to pay the best possible tribute I can to my late partner. I am not sure outsiders understand what a positive effect he has had on me and some perhaps do not want to see how good he has been for me, it may be that they don't want to see because their feelings for steve are influencing that but the point is though that I know and I appreciate it.
On times I feel I need to remind other people that I am still a widower and I am still fighting a daily battle to deal with how that makes me feel. Not Jonathan, in fact never Jonathan, he accepts Stephen is as much a part of his life as he is mine. I am convinced others look in and think I have forgotten Steve and their insensitivity, attitudes and actions back this theory up. It's difficult, for many reasons. Yes, I have good days and good weeks but a recent incident reminded me that my recovery this far is relatively fragile.
Onwards. Christmas is just over two weeks away and then new year. I love Christmas and hate new year by I am looking forward to reflecting on this year. It's been difficult. There have been good and bad times and whilst its been wonderful meeting someone special in equal measure that has been tough too. Obviously my history factors a part of the difficulty but there are other external factors too. Hopefully 2013 will be more positive.
For now though most presents have been bought, many are wrapped its mainly Jonathan I have left to buy for. This weekend though we are heading to London so no shopping but, I am looking forward to us spending time together .
I'm signing off for now, have a great weekend and I hope to write soon
xxx M xxx
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, 1 November 2012
Feeling, knowing or hearing?
Feeling, knowing or hearing?
That's what I am asking myself tonight. Which do I want? Which do I get and which do I give and to whom to I give what?
What am I talking about? Love of course.
Some may argue it's a basic human need whilst others argue it's something we are conditioned to or against. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Also, this post is quite difficult to write as I'm conscious many people make assumptions about my writings so I feel like I am treading on eggshells!
As I look around myself I am seeing a few friends experiencing difficult times. It is hard to see, especially when you feel unable to help, even though you may desperately want to help.
To those people do they feel loved? Do they understand and know that they are loved as a friend or is it necessary for me to remind them?
It's a tough one. I am uncomfortable with throwing the 'L' word around freely. Many people do it, it doesn't make it right, or at least not right for me, but some people are keen to lavish their love on anyone or anything that stays still long enough. That's fine for them so long as they don't expect it to be reciprocated without consideration and thought.
Just because I don't tell someone I love them doesn't mean they aren't. There are some very dear friends whom I love as friends. I rarely tell them I love them but I am keen to demonstrate my love and compassion for them in other ways as they do for me.
It's quite a tough one really because for most of us, we can't control how much we love someone. We do or we don't. It's almost impossible to just stop loving someone. Yes it can change, either prompted by their actions or our desires but generally, if you love someone you can't switch the emotion off. Love can become anger or upset but it reverts back to love at some point.
Love changes but it never goes away. I saw a comment this week from a Widowed friend. On what would be their wedding anniversary she pondered the vows they made, "till death us do part", she commented that even though he husband isn't here she still loves him. His death didn't switch off the love.
I thought about it and its the same for me. My love changed to anger, to frustration and at some point reverted back to love, it's a different sort of love now but it's still there. As I've pondered in previous posts it is difficult to love if it isn't reciprocated and, whilst I know Stephens love for me never wavered , arguably it ended after he exhaled his last breath.
It's because I have had these feelings of a deep down connection and love that I now feel I am able to make better decisions, stronger decisions really with conviction and courage. I understand though not everyone is able to do the same and it's natural to question your own judgement.
After being in an emotional void for a period of time I know only too well how difficult it is to re-educate yourself into learning to accept the feeling of being loved, the knowledge that you are loved and how difficult it can be to hear those words you've longed to hear again, although, none of us will admit we really want to hear we are loved. We get bashful or uncomfortable hearing nice things about ourselves but still feel buoyed up by the feeling inside.
This is where I go back to are we conditioned or is love a basic human need? Some are conditioned to express their love at any opportunity, others, (me included), are more reserved and save sharing those emotions for very special ears and others have been conditioned to lock their emotions away and the longer they have been locked away the more layers of crap you have to hack through to release those feelings and emotions.
It could be argued the other way though, that we are conditioned to think we need or like to feel loved and that the basic human need is for pure survival, food, water, air and light and anything else we want or 'need' is a learned trait or habit and nothing more.
I don't have the answer to this ramble unfortunately but for me, I feel that although love may not be a basic human need it is a basic Mark need. I need and like to feel and know I am loved, if i can feel it and know it then I don't always need to hear it and at the same time I hope my friends and family feel and know how much they are loved from my actions and words and also appreciate how precious that 'L' word is to me when it passes my lips.
For me it's now time to sleep but I am sending love to you reading this. In my mind, if you've read this far then you clearly care, (one way or the other), about my thoughts and feelings so for that I truly thank you and would genuinely like to say thank you for your messages,"likes" or comments etc too, they really are appreciated.
Until next time, goodnight.
Mark x
Sent from my iPad
That's what I am asking myself tonight. Which do I want? Which do I get and which do I give and to whom to I give what?
What am I talking about? Love of course.
Some may argue it's a basic human need whilst others argue it's something we are conditioned to or against. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Also, this post is quite difficult to write as I'm conscious many people make assumptions about my writings so I feel like I am treading on eggshells!
As I look around myself I am seeing a few friends experiencing difficult times. It is hard to see, especially when you feel unable to help, even though you may desperately want to help.
To those people do they feel loved? Do they understand and know that they are loved as a friend or is it necessary for me to remind them?
It's a tough one. I am uncomfortable with throwing the 'L' word around freely. Many people do it, it doesn't make it right, or at least not right for me, but some people are keen to lavish their love on anyone or anything that stays still long enough. That's fine for them so long as they don't expect it to be reciprocated without consideration and thought.
Just because I don't tell someone I love them doesn't mean they aren't. There are some very dear friends whom I love as friends. I rarely tell them I love them but I am keen to demonstrate my love and compassion for them in other ways as they do for me.
It's quite a tough one really because for most of us, we can't control how much we love someone. We do or we don't. It's almost impossible to just stop loving someone. Yes it can change, either prompted by their actions or our desires but generally, if you love someone you can't switch the emotion off. Love can become anger or upset but it reverts back to love at some point.
Love changes but it never goes away. I saw a comment this week from a Widowed friend. On what would be their wedding anniversary she pondered the vows they made, "till death us do part", she commented that even though he husband isn't here she still loves him. His death didn't switch off the love.
I thought about it and its the same for me. My love changed to anger, to frustration and at some point reverted back to love, it's a different sort of love now but it's still there. As I've pondered in previous posts it is difficult to love if it isn't reciprocated and, whilst I know Stephens love for me never wavered , arguably it ended after he exhaled his last breath.
It's because I have had these feelings of a deep down connection and love that I now feel I am able to make better decisions, stronger decisions really with conviction and courage. I understand though not everyone is able to do the same and it's natural to question your own judgement.
After being in an emotional void for a period of time I know only too well how difficult it is to re-educate yourself into learning to accept the feeling of being loved, the knowledge that you are loved and how difficult it can be to hear those words you've longed to hear again, although, none of us will admit we really want to hear we are loved. We get bashful or uncomfortable hearing nice things about ourselves but still feel buoyed up by the feeling inside.
This is where I go back to are we conditioned or is love a basic human need? Some are conditioned to express their love at any opportunity, others, (me included), are more reserved and save sharing those emotions for very special ears and others have been conditioned to lock their emotions away and the longer they have been locked away the more layers of crap you have to hack through to release those feelings and emotions.
It could be argued the other way though, that we are conditioned to think we need or like to feel loved and that the basic human need is for pure survival, food, water, air and light and anything else we want or 'need' is a learned trait or habit and nothing more.
I don't have the answer to this ramble unfortunately but for me, I feel that although love may not be a basic human need it is a basic Mark need. I need and like to feel and know I am loved, if i can feel it and know it then I don't always need to hear it and at the same time I hope my friends and family feel and know how much they are loved from my actions and words and also appreciate how precious that 'L' word is to me when it passes my lips.
For me it's now time to sleep but I am sending love to you reading this. In my mind, if you've read this far then you clearly care, (one way or the other), about my thoughts and feelings so for that I truly thank you and would genuinely like to say thank you for your messages,"likes" or comments etc too, they really are appreciated.
Until next time, goodnight.
Mark x
Sent from my iPad
Thursday, 25 October 2012
Catching up.
Today is a good day. I really am in a good mood tonight. I can't put my finger on one thing that's made a difference but there's a few things which has generally left me feeling in a lighter, brighter mood and generally happy.
Some small wins this week though have seen me pulling together some Christmas plans. I still have a way to go but I feel I am on the right track. I've managed to get some things done too that I wanted to do on a personal level. There's a few friends having particularly tough times right now so I wanted to send them a note to let them know they are in my thoughts.
In addition to that I have sent some gifts to friends who have had babies this year. One couple had their child on March 13th, the day I met Jonathan so you can see how far behind I have been.
I am pleased to have caught up though and to have got them sent. There's a few other things I need to catch up on but they will come soon. I'm learning to not beat myself up about falling behind though and just to crack on and make best use of the time I have.
There have been several reasons why I have fallen behind. I'm usually quite organised so its fairly unusual for me. I think most people will assume that Jon is to blame. I'd argue not. In fact I'd argue that he's helped me get to this point quicker by helping me find happiness which had escaped me.
The hard truth is that I have struggled a lot this year. I'd become lethargic and disengaged. Things I previously enjoyed no longer gave me pleasure and my motivation was almost non existent. I needed help and fortunately was able to access it. I've learned that the root of many of these problems were underlying depression following on from Stephen's passing. This isn't about blame but more about understanding why I had started to feel and think the way I did.
I didn't want to turn to family, they have enough to deal with and to be honest they have had to deal with Stephen's loss too. Friends also have had their own issues and loss to deal with and it seems some have misunderstood what's really happening and have become distant. I suppose in many respects its my own fault, I've put up a front or worn a mask which says I am happy and coping and I've not wanted to talk to those close to me about how I've felt, I've opted instead to take professional help.
I'm on the other side of that now though. I feel I have a better understanding of myself. Of why and how I have changed and how my life experience has changed me.
I am pleased and proud that Jonathan has been at my side on this journey of discovery. I really feel he met me whilst I was at my most unattractive. I was quite negative, bitter, and generally not always a happy or pleasant person to be with. Some months on I now feel much happier, brighter and more positive. I see a future and am generally enjoying life and sharing the life I have with someone special. I feel I am finding the old Mark again and feel more positive about how I can go on to help others now.
I've felt flattered this week as a friend called on me for support. Flattered that they feel I can help and pleased that I was able to. As I look around myself now and the plans I have for my future I feel ready to take on the challenges ahead. There's a few things which are likely to change in my life over the coming months and the thought of these fills me with enthusiasm. It's exciting as there are a lot of opportunities and a lot of learning for me to do. Yes, there is a lot of work too but that's fine, I'm not afraid of hard work.
On reading that last paragraph again I am conscious that those changes are going to be both on a personal and professional level so, 2013 is going to be a huge year of change for me, no, not for me but for us, as those changes in my life will affect Jonathan too and again, I am pleased that he will be at my side as I will be at his through whatever lies ahead for him.
On a closing note I am looking forward to the weekend. I have no idea what is in store for me this weekend but I'm going to enjoy spending time with a very dear and special friend who happens to also be the person I am proud to call my partner. I hope that whatever you're doing that you have a great weekend too.
Until next time take care xxx
M x
Sent from my iPad
Some small wins this week though have seen me pulling together some Christmas plans. I still have a way to go but I feel I am on the right track. I've managed to get some things done too that I wanted to do on a personal level. There's a few friends having particularly tough times right now so I wanted to send them a note to let them know they are in my thoughts.
In addition to that I have sent some gifts to friends who have had babies this year. One couple had their child on March 13th, the day I met Jonathan so you can see how far behind I have been.
I am pleased to have caught up though and to have got them sent. There's a few other things I need to catch up on but they will come soon. I'm learning to not beat myself up about falling behind though and just to crack on and make best use of the time I have.
There have been several reasons why I have fallen behind. I'm usually quite organised so its fairly unusual for me. I think most people will assume that Jon is to blame. I'd argue not. In fact I'd argue that he's helped me get to this point quicker by helping me find happiness which had escaped me.
The hard truth is that I have struggled a lot this year. I'd become lethargic and disengaged. Things I previously enjoyed no longer gave me pleasure and my motivation was almost non existent. I needed help and fortunately was able to access it. I've learned that the root of many of these problems were underlying depression following on from Stephen's passing. This isn't about blame but more about understanding why I had started to feel and think the way I did.
I didn't want to turn to family, they have enough to deal with and to be honest they have had to deal with Stephen's loss too. Friends also have had their own issues and loss to deal with and it seems some have misunderstood what's really happening and have become distant. I suppose in many respects its my own fault, I've put up a front or worn a mask which says I am happy and coping and I've not wanted to talk to those close to me about how I've felt, I've opted instead to take professional help.
I'm on the other side of that now though. I feel I have a better understanding of myself. Of why and how I have changed and how my life experience has changed me.
I am pleased and proud that Jonathan has been at my side on this journey of discovery. I really feel he met me whilst I was at my most unattractive. I was quite negative, bitter, and generally not always a happy or pleasant person to be with. Some months on I now feel much happier, brighter and more positive. I see a future and am generally enjoying life and sharing the life I have with someone special. I feel I am finding the old Mark again and feel more positive about how I can go on to help others now.
I've felt flattered this week as a friend called on me for support. Flattered that they feel I can help and pleased that I was able to. As I look around myself now and the plans I have for my future I feel ready to take on the challenges ahead. There's a few things which are likely to change in my life over the coming months and the thought of these fills me with enthusiasm. It's exciting as there are a lot of opportunities and a lot of learning for me to do. Yes, there is a lot of work too but that's fine, I'm not afraid of hard work.
On reading that last paragraph again I am conscious that those changes are going to be both on a personal and professional level so, 2013 is going to be a huge year of change for me, no, not for me but for us, as those changes in my life will affect Jonathan too and again, I am pleased that he will be at my side as I will be at his through whatever lies ahead for him.
On a closing note I am looking forward to the weekend. I have no idea what is in store for me this weekend but I'm going to enjoy spending time with a very dear and special friend who happens to also be the person I am proud to call my partner. I hope that whatever you're doing that you have a great weekend too.
Until next time take care xxx
M x
Sent from my iPad
Monday, 22 October 2012
Sporadic blogging
Sporadic blogging, that's what I do, no rhyme or reason and not as regular as I'd like but something is better than nothing surely.
It's been a busy few days recently but tonight I can look forward to a night home alone. I'm not sure what I'll do tonight but I will busy myself with something no doubt. The past few days I have been busy stitching and crafting, making a few gifts for various people for a number of reasons. I'm enjoying doing them but as November is looming I am feeling the pressure a little now. I hope I can get everything done that I want to in the time I have left. I suppose I ought to write a list but that will take me too long to do. Sometimes I am envious of those people who just saunter along leaving everything until the last minute. Do they have the right idea or do I have the best idea with my organised and thoughtful "process"?
I'd like to be a last minute sort of person but I hate the stress that causes, especially when you get to the point where it's a case of, "that'll have to do…" where's the thought in a gift like that? Where is the pleasure in seeing someone genuinely flattered or surprised that you got them a gift that is so right for them. Jon's face when he saw his birthday presents was a joy to behold, he seemed genuinely surprised I'd listened to things he'd said, had remembered what he had said and also took time and effort to get it right. I think it was right anyway but, I'm sort of scuppered for Christmas now, all my good ideas have gone but I'll keep thinking and looking. Of course buying what you need early doesn't mean it will always be right, some people just take the "that'll do" approach regardless of timescales.
I'm hoping by planning ahead as I am doing that everyone will have something that is "just right", as I've said before I have bought a few things. Last year I made some cushions for friends, they seemed to be welcome gifts. I have loads of cushions on my sofa, my chair and bed etc and quite a number in the cupboard as there simply isn't enough room for all those I have. Already though I have bought two cushions for a friend instead of making them, they were quite expensive but that is reflective of the fact that they are "designer" and there is a lot of work in them as they are very detailed. I am sure they will be appreciated though.
Well, I started writing this earlier and have just come back to it. It's late, after 11pm and my evening has been spent stitching, writing to a few friends and also trying to sort out domain names etc. that technology stuff is frustrating and stressful for me as I don't really understand it, i suppose i could but i don't like that stuff, Steve used to do it all. It's still not sorted. I will try again tomorrow when I am not so stressed and tired and see if I can do it. I managed to fix it last year after a few days so I am sure I can do it if I can muster the patience.
I am too tired now to write more, reading this back it seems unfinished and, to be fair, it is unfinished but right now I am not in the right frame of mind to finish it.
Goodnight,
M x
Monday, 15 October 2012
My Second Anniversary as a Widower
I've avoided blogging properly for a short while, both reading and writing I suppose you could say I've needed some time out from reflective introspection. I purposely didn't write yesterday as it could have ended up an emotional one and I wasn't sure I was ready for that. A few weeks ago I was having a tough time of it all, that's an under statement really, I suppose it is down to the transition between one relationship and another or at least transitions through phases in relationships if that makes sense.
The first anniversary of Steve's passing and then reaching a few months later the six month anniversary of meeting Jonathan, (to save you the maths I met Jonathan 9 months after I lost Steve). Both are significant milestones. The one because it sort of cements the reality that Stephen isn't coming back and the other because it cements that my feelings for Jonathan are a lot more than a fling or passing fancy or pure lust, I actually feel like he is going to be here for a long time, hopefully a very long time.
As yesterday was the 6th anniversary of my marriage, (or civil partnership to give it it's correct term), to Stephen and it was the second anniversary without him, (he died on June 15th our anniversary is October 14th). Yesterday's milestone was easier to deal with than last year. Perhaps because it's the second anniversary I've spent as a widower or perhaps because I had Jonathan with me? I'm not entirely sure but I suspect it has less to do with Jonathan and more to do with it being another anniversary without Steve.
I received cards to remind me I was being thought of and phone and online messages of support too which were all welcome and appreciated. I bought some flowers for myself, some white lilies. They are my favourite flower and Steve liked them very much too. I just wanted to acknowledge that it was a day full of memories, many many happy memories though not remorseful melancholic memories but memories which brought smiles of a beautiful day, glorious weather, non stop champagne and sharing it with family and friends. They were all memories which made me smile.
I was also thoughtful as I looked toward the future. I thought about how it felt and how I felt being 'married' and wondered whether I'd end up married again? "Much Married Mark" pondering whether it will be third time lucky? Maybe, who knows? That's not a decision I can make on my own. The feelings I have for Jonathan are as strong as those I had for Steve, I can't say 'have' as the love I have for Stephen has changed. It is no less but it cant be the same because the relationship is not the same. It's almost like that love for Stephen has peaked and that's where it's 'parked' My feelings for Jon are as strong but the difference is he is physically here to reinforce and reciprocate that love too.
I could and would never compare Jon to Steve, it simply wouldn't be fair and they are very different people in very many ways but, unfortunately (or fortunately) I have had a lot of life experience. I've been in a relationship where I thought I loved the other person but after experiencing real love I know now, on reflection, that those feelings were feelings other than love. I thought I was happy and I probably was in my own way but, Stephen taught me what it's really like to be happy. Because of that experience I now recognise the feelings I have and I'm proud to say that Jonathan makes me as happy as I've ever been before.
I'm proud to refer to Jonathan as my partner and that is how I see him, an equal, my best friend and a jolly nice chap too. I'm proud of the way he has accepted me and the fact that Stephen will always be a part of my life and, as a result, part of his life too. He understands me and accepts me and I hope he feels I accept him and at least try to understand him too. There is so much more I could write but I think you get the picture.
Reading this back through I feel I was right not to blog yesterday, my thoughts seem clearer today and are not as emotionally charged as they may have been yesterday. I will get back in to blogging but it may take some time so just bear with me. In the meantime though if you'd like to keep up to date with me then follow me on twitter at @adifferentmark Jonathan is on twitter too @BellyflopTV he has his own Video production company as well as working for "proper telly" so if you're interested in his work you can visit www.bellyflop.tv or his youtube channel which has some more examples of his work at http://www.youtube.com/user/bellyfloptv or even "Like" his Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/Bellyfloptv#!/pages/Bellyfloptv/116071861762514
On a closing note I thought I'd share with you some pictures from Steve's and My wedding back in 2006. I found them interesting to look at as there are quite a few people who were in our lives then that are not in my life now. It's a shame but people change and friendships break down there are about 8-10 people in those pictures I no longer have any connection with and two have passed on, whoever would have guessed that one of the grooms would be one of those that would no longer be with us just 6 years later? Enjoy the pictures though.
xXx M xXx
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Feeling thoughtful...
I'm feeling thoughtful tonight, loads of stuff on my mind and missing some people whilst nursing disappointment in others. I came across this in my drafts and its never felt more appropriate to post it than now. You may have seen it before and I have no idea who the author is but it encapsulates how I feel tonight.
Goodnight friends xxxx
Life is too short,
grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
Laugh when you can.
apologise when you should
and let go of what you can't change.
Love deeply and forgive quickly,
take chances, give everything,
And have no regrets
Life is too short to be unhappy
you have to take the good with the bad
smile when you're sad.
Love what you got
and always remember what you had
always forgive but never forget
Learn from your mistakes
but never regret
People change and things go wrong
but always remember,
Life goes on!!!
Sent from my iPad
Goodnight friends xxxx
Life is too short,
grudges are a waste of perfect happiness
Laugh when you can.
apologise when you should
and let go of what you can't change.
Love deeply and forgive quickly,
take chances, give everything,
And have no regrets
Life is too short to be unhappy
you have to take the good with the bad
smile when you're sad.
Love what you got
and always remember what you had
always forgive but never forget
Learn from your mistakes
but never regret
People change and things go wrong
but always remember,
Life goes on!!!
Sent from my iPad
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
A Precious Gift
I'm back again with a new blog. What's gone on since I wrote last, hmm, loads but, from memory it's all good stuff.
I've been extremely busy with work lately, I've spent some time working from home on an important project but have also been busy at home.
I'm busy at home making, baking and crafting all of which started off as an attempt to save some money but, I guess it's no surprise that it's ended up being a costly exercise.
With just 83 days to Christmas now the festive season is looming fast. In previous years I've always been pretty organised but I've still been able to be a little lavish and generous with my gifts. This years simply can't afford to be. Being a Widower is no fun and just because you're a Widower you don't get discounts or rebates on those commitments you may have taken on as half of a couple. They are the same but your means is considerably more constrained. This has prompted me to do something I've been wanting and meaning to do for many years.
Before Stephen passed away he was keen to make presents for people as he felt that they were more personal and mean a lot more to the recipient when they know you've made a special effort for them. We did make a few things together before he passed away and those people received those gifts but we also had a tradition of making our own Christmas cards, at least for the past few years but this year I'm making a concerted effort.
I started a few weeks ago when I decided to make some chutney's. the recipe said now is the right time to make it and that it tastes lovely with cold meats and cheese at Christmas. Roast Apple & Garlic Chutney, it's delicious. I've not had a jar for myself but just the bit left over when the jars were full. It's not been a cheap gift to make though, I calculated some of the jars would have cost me at least £5 in ingredients! Even taking off the £1 or so the jar cost there's not many people who would appreciate or pay that much for a jar of chutney.
With this in mind has it been a good gift to make? Will it be appreciated? I am sure some of my friends absolutely would not appreciate the work or cost involved in making the gift but, I suppose the idea will be that I only choose to give them to those who may appreciate them. That being said if friends read this and don't receive chutney then it may not be because I don't think you'll appreciate it but because I've made relatively few jars compared to the number of friends I have so some people may be disappointed.
In addition to this I have also been stitching and sewing, that's something I learned from my Mum many years ago and is something I continue to practice and learn. I have loads of ideas as to what I can make but unfortunately I don't have time to execute them all. The cost of the items I sew or make may not be very high, I think the lowest priced item so far has cost me just £3 in materials but in time has probably cost me an hour. That, for me, is where the cost lies. Time is the most precious thing I have and the most precious thing I can give, whether that be in person or in making and crafting something for someone, my time is valuable to me and I am selective on whom and how I spend it, I'll come back to time later though.
In addition to sewing and cooking I've been making jewellery. Not fine jewellery but fashion jewellery. There's already a few friends who have pieces of my jewellery but again, the cost of the item may not be huge but the time it takes to make is probably a higher cost. I'm also spending time customising things too, taking a basic item and turning it into something more interesting or beautiful with a sprinkle of my artistic flair. Knitting is something I've toyed with but I find it a slow process and not one of my greatest skills so I'm not committing to that craft just yet.
All of the things I've mentioned take time. Whilst the cost per item may be low the cost of the tools or the cost of acquiring the skill is often high. As I mentioned earlier, the most precious thing I have and that I can give, in fact that anyone can give, is time. I think too many people lose sight of this too easily and focus on material things or adopt a "what's in it for me?" attitude. I believed this to be true before I lost Stephen but losing him has reinforced this belief.
I've been saddened lately by a few things, by things I mean friends, circumstances and attitudes. I've learned of some friends experiencing difficulties and have tried to be there and be supportive. They are a lovely people and I really feel and appreciate the difficult times they are experiencing. On the other hand I'm aware of a difficult situation where someone has turned their back on friends. It seems many years of friendship can be discarded by some when they no longer have a need for that friend or when the friend becomes un-cool. This has made me look at my friends and the time I spend, no not spend, but invest in them.
As I scrolled through my contacts on my phone and looked at the names of friends and associates as they rolled past I found myself taking a moment to think of each of them in turn. There's acquaintances in there, friends, family and just a few people who make me wonder why I have their number. Maybe it's me. I have been told I am too analytical and perhaps I am but as I look back over the last 12 to 18 months I can see how I have changed and how my circle of friends has changed.
There were some I've disassociated with because they made me unhappy and some who have been much better friends to me than I ever imagined they would. I also have friends in there who I have not spoken to for many months. This doesn't make them less of a friend it's just that I have a different relationship with them. If I look at the time I have invested though I can see there are some that I have invested a lot of time in, high maintenance friends with, to put it bluntly, little or no return.
There are many others though whom I have invested just a little time in and the rewards they provide are substantially greater. By that I mean the feelings that their names conjure up in my mind are more pleasant, they've not been demanding of my time or difficult to connect with but they have been there and will continue to be there. I have never been one to categorise my friends, never would and am not doing so now I am just stating a fact though which is that some people understand and appreciate your time and effort and others do not.
I'll go back to my original point about Christmas. This year I won't have lots of money to spend and I don't have a lot of time to spend but I can find time and am making time to invest in showing my nearest and dearest how much they mean to me. If you don't get a home made gift from me it doesn't mean I don't love you it just means I ran out of time to be creative but hopefully I'll be able to make it up to you by giving you my most precious of gifts, it is of course.... Time.
I hope you enjoyed reading, and please feel free to share this gift of time.
Xx Mark xX
Sent from my iPad
Sunday, 16 September 2012
Sunday
Sunday. Day of rest for many but I hoped to have a productive day today so I at least had something to show for my weekend.
I managed to get a little done. It seemed today like the world has conspired against me to stop me. I wanted to get something done though just for my own satisfaction.
Yesterday was a heavy day. My head was full of all sorts yesterday and even though I ventured out it didn't help. I thought some retail therapy may have helped but it didn't. In my usual way though I didn't end up buying things for me but for someone else.
After my afternoon of shopping I felt tired, so much so I ended up going to bed for an hour after which I just sat and read for a while, just finishing off a book I started on holiday. That seems like a very long time ago now and, in some ways it seems like there were two very different people on that holiday to the two lying in this bed right now.
It was pointed out to me this week that I seem to be doing less of the things I used to enjoy. On reflection that's true. There are many reasons for this and yes, perhaps I have felt more melancholy of late which has led to me not wanting to do anything creative at all. That's partly why I wanted to achieve something this weekend.
It's odd because I never remember asking for my life to be this way. I'm not a complicated person. Someone to love who loves me back, a safe and warm home, a job I don't loathe and enough money to put food on the table is all I really want. I don't think it's too much to ask, is it?
I should add that I do have most of those things and the others may take some time but I know I'm on the right path.
I've spent part of tonight reminiscing, it's funny though as the line between actual reality and tales I've heard over the years is quite blurred.
For example, I'm not sure if my earliest memory as a child is mine or a story I have heard relayed by my parents backed up with photos. I have some clear memories of childhood but it's the earliest ones that I sometimes doubt.
I've watched with intrigue tv programmes where people are hypnotised and taken to a previous life. I sometimes wonder what mine was and I there are any similarities in this life or indeed any issues which u bring from a previous life to this.
All in all it's a bit deep and meaningful for this hour on a Sunday so I will bid you Goodnight and will hopefully catch you soon.
xxMxx
Sent from my iPhone
I managed to get a little done. It seemed today like the world has conspired against me to stop me. I wanted to get something done though just for my own satisfaction.
Yesterday was a heavy day. My head was full of all sorts yesterday and even though I ventured out it didn't help. I thought some retail therapy may have helped but it didn't. In my usual way though I didn't end up buying things for me but for someone else.
After my afternoon of shopping I felt tired, so much so I ended up going to bed for an hour after which I just sat and read for a while, just finishing off a book I started on holiday. That seems like a very long time ago now and, in some ways it seems like there were two very different people on that holiday to the two lying in this bed right now.
It was pointed out to me this week that I seem to be doing less of the things I used to enjoy. On reflection that's true. There are many reasons for this and yes, perhaps I have felt more melancholy of late which has led to me not wanting to do anything creative at all. That's partly why I wanted to achieve something this weekend.
It's odd because I never remember asking for my life to be this way. I'm not a complicated person. Someone to love who loves me back, a safe and warm home, a job I don't loathe and enough money to put food on the table is all I really want. I don't think it's too much to ask, is it?
I should add that I do have most of those things and the others may take some time but I know I'm on the right path.
I've spent part of tonight reminiscing, it's funny though as the line between actual reality and tales I've heard over the years is quite blurred.
For example, I'm not sure if my earliest memory as a child is mine or a story I have heard relayed by my parents backed up with photos. I have some clear memories of childhood but it's the earliest ones that I sometimes doubt.
I've watched with intrigue tv programmes where people are hypnotised and taken to a previous life. I sometimes wonder what mine was and I there are any similarities in this life or indeed any issues which u bring from a previous life to this.
All in all it's a bit deep and meaningful for this hour on a Sunday so I will bid you Goodnight and will hopefully catch you soon.
xxMxx
Sent from my iPhone
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