Another year is draws to a close.

Another year is drawing to a close so it seems appropriate to write a blog.   It is less and less frequent that I blog at the moment. I'm not sure I will go back to it in a personal capacity but I plan on starting to blog "professionally" for the charity. 

As I look back at 2014 and read my blog at the end of 2013 I am again made acutely aware of my complete dislike of "New Year".  I've disliked it since being a child and rarely has it changed over the years.

This year though I am not at home for New Year.  Jonathan and I are in Egypt, (Sharm-El-Sheikh) and New Years Eve is our last night here.  We will be pleased to go home, we have been here almost three weeks as we came out earlier in December so I spent my 40th birthday here in addition to Christmas and New Year. 

It's been nice to be away but after this long it will be nice to go home too, even more so for Jon as I've now discovered, (the hard way) that, if he is away from the hustle and bustle of juggling home life with work then this causes more problems than it solves.  I guess we all have our quirks and we know now not to plan any long vacations again.

There have been a lot of changes this year.  I've learned a few things too.  I've finished fitting a new kitchen at the big house, put a new shower room and bathroom in so thats a lot of plumbing, joinery and tiling.  I've learned how to erect scaffolding and fitted new uPVC windows, (including a bay window).  I didn't doubt myself but I'd never had the necessity to do many of these things before.

I should add that fitting a new bathroom and shower room sounds simple but the prep took a very long time.  Firstly I had to cut the old cast iron bath into four to get that out down a spiral staircase so you get an idea of the challenges I faced.  There are still a few finishing touches to add but it all looks very different now and I'm pleased with the results.

It wasn't just me who got old this year.  Jon turned 40 this year too and amongst other things I got him two kittens for his birthday, Arthur and Martha.  They are very cute and very mischievous too, especially Martha.  That makes us a six cat household now but fortunately, (because Jon Googled it) we are not crazy cat ladies, that happens when you have seven apparently.  

In saying that, Hugo had been poorly and on antibiotics before we came away.  Jon took him in as a stray many years ago and he has lived like a king since then.  Jon has spoken to Ann, looking after the cats, and she said Hugo is holding on but "be prepared".  The vet told us a few weeks ago he has a tumour but he wasn't in pain and seems well in himself, (well for him anyway) but that given his age and his heart murmur then an operation was not advisable as he may not even survive the anaesthetic let alone the trauma of surgery so it was best to just keep him as well as possible for as long as possible.  I guess you could call it palliative care however, with a human we would make them suffer until their body gives up.  At least we have the ability to give Hugo a humane and dignified end of life.

The other main change this year has been that I have kick-started the charity again, It had been dormant whilst I changed career then for a few reasons we had a change of trustees.  Alongside that there is still two issues to resolve.  They are both with legal advisors.  It is saddening and I am bitterly disappointed but I have also learned the hard way that not everyone who smiles at you is your friend.

On a positive note though the charity is set to grow and grow throughout 2015.  It is really exciting and pleasing to work with other trustees passionate about our cause and keen to get results.  We've had a brief video made by www.bellyflop.tv which explains who we are and why we exist.  The website is still under construction but our video is there already so please take a look, www.lgbtcancer.org.uk

When I said, right at the beginning of this post, that I hope to write more for the charity, that is where the blog posts will apear.  If you follow the charity on twitter though @lgbtcancersupp then you'll have all the latest news etc as and when it happens.

For now I am signing off.  It is currently 16:00 on 30th December 2014 here but even though I am publishing this now it probably wont "send" until I am home on 1st January 2015.

Whatever you get up to for new year, enjoy it.  Don't look back at the year and dwell on the negatives, pluck out the positives and look forward to a brighter and better 2015, oh and there is some other news to tell too but I will save that for another time.

Until next time, take care.

Mark x

Choices

I recently watched Jo Beecham's video interview (view it here if you've not seen it yet: http://bcove.me/ml1u4yvl ).  She explained in it how she has fought to live and now feels she has to fight to die.  She has terminal cancer and knows her prognosis however, she would like the choice to have a dignified death.

Jo explained how she would like to die.  On the face of it, it is quite a morbid thought but we all know we are going to die however, some of us have an indication of when that could be.  As she explained her ideal death though it made me reflect on Stephen's death.

Would Stephen consider that he had a good death?  It was the best that was possible given the circumstances but, I doubt it is how he would have wanted.

When he was given his terminal prognosis we spoke about many things, they type of funeral he wanted but, more importantly the type of funeral he didn't want.  He was very clear that it was to be a fun reflection on his life but, knowing Stephen, I knew his mantra for any performance we gave, "make em laugh and make em cry..." I'm pleased to say his was the first funeral I had attended where people genuinely laughed as we reflected on the deceased's life and also shed more than a tear or two as it dawned on us how lucky we were to know him and how different life will be without him.

There were elements of Stephen's death that I guess would be characteristic of most peoples wishes.  He was hugged and held by his partner and surrounded by his family.  Friends had visited during the preceding few hours to say their farewells and, as far as we are aware, he was free from pain.  All that being said though he wasn't 'present' and hadn't been for some time.  

Stephen was effectively in a coma from the very early hours of Tuesday morning and took his angel wings in the early hours of Wednesday morning.  The last real conversation I had with him was Sunday evening as he asked me to take him to hospital.  He hated being in hospital so I knew he was struggling when he asked to go to hospital knowing that it was certain he would be admitted.

As soon as his bed had been allocated he was given medication to tackle the pain which, understandably, made him drowsy.  There were a few brief moments of consciousness from then until I kissed him goodnight on Monday night but these were mainly just one word answers to my questions.  Asking him after his medication, "how are you feeling now?" His answer simple and concise, "Shit!" 

Later that night, during the early hours of Tuesday morning Stephen suffered a seizure.  We know now that it killed him, his first seizure was also his last.  From then until his last breath we went through a roller coaster of emotion.  The despair of losing him, the disbelief of what we were being told which meant we went through periods of thinking that there may be hope and we shouldn't give up and then almost convincing yourself that it is just a dream, a very bad one, and we will wake up soon, hug and live happily ever after now that we'd been reminded what we stood to lose.  Of course it was real.

Sharing someone's last moments with them felt like a privilege, one I'd rather not have experienced but, unlike Jo, I don't think Stephen had considered how he wanted his last hours to be.  Stephen died in a small side room of an intensive care unit.  He was connected to several machines monitoring all sorts of things. He had been under continuous monitoring by at least one, mainly two, nurses throughout his stay there.  Not once were we, as his family and loved ones, left alone with him until after he had passed.  I and we took comfort from that at the time as it meant we felt he had received the best possible care.  With hindsight though I wonder whether we were monitored too?

Because Stephen had been well, relatively speaking, on the Sunday morning but had died on Wednesday morning we are aware his suffering wasn't long and protracted.  His passing was swift and, whilst I am guessing, it made it more difficult for us, I would have hated seeing him suffer.

That's something Jo mentioned, she will not suffer.  Why should she?  As human beings we can empathise and have compassion for one another but in this country we are not allowed to help them end their suffering.  We can attempt to ease it but, sometimes even the strongest painkillers can only take the edge off.  If someone is unable to talk how can they convey that?

Death is a subject most of us would rather not discuss but some of us have had to.  Dealing with death and indeed discussing my own death has made me feel stronger.  It puts you in control, a box ticked on the "to do" list and something you can put aside as done.  That being said though I cannot comprehend how difficult it must be for people like Jo and Stephen, having to make those arrangements after being prompted by a terminal diagnosis.  

Furthermore, I cannot imagine the turmoil in having to even contemplate choosing your own death.  With this in mind, why do we have to make it even more difficult AND illegal?  Surely the Assisted Dying bill, if it ever became law, is a step toward a truly humane society.  A society in which we not only try to ease the suffering of those who are ill but ending the suffering of those facing a terminal diagnosis.

Those campaigning against it seem to have really not considered the bill fully.  This isn't about finishing Great Aunt Maud off because you're bored of looking after her but it is about giving victims, unfortunate enough to have a terminal diagnosis, a choice.

I am sure each and every person with a terminal cancer diagnosis would prefer the choice to not have cancer but unfortunately that isn't possible.  The second best choice seems to be to give the cancer no place to go.  I know Stephen would consider he had won the fight against cancer.  He may have died but, the cancer didn't get an opportunity to take his dignity.  He fought to the end to make sure the cancer didn't win.  

Those facing terminal diagnosis have my admiration.  Often facing an inevitable end with fortitude.  If I could do anything to help then I will, so, I've signed the Dignity in Dying petition.  If you believe in giving choices instead of prolonging suffering then I'd urge you to sign too.  If you're unsure then please re-watch Jo's interview.  If you're still undecided then just consider how lucky you are to have the time to consider your decision..... Or should I say, your choice? 

Click on the link and make your voice heard: http://www.yesuntiltheend.co.uk

Until next time, 

Mark

As one year ends...

...another year is dawning. I'd like to write a positive and glowing review of 2013 but right now my mood is bleak. There have been a lot of high points over the year and just a few lows however right now I think it would be difficult to muster a fair appraisal of the year.

New year fills me with melancholy. With no distraction away from it planned it becomes all consuming. I hate new year and all the fuss and hype around it. I feel sad. Very sad. My reasons are many but I'm not in the frame of mind to explore them. Tomorrow is a new day so I think an early night is in order.

Goodnight and, I sincerely hope your farewell to 2013 is much less difficult than mine.

Very long overdue...

I started writing this entry (Friends) a few weeks ago and never got around to finishing it or posting it to my blog.  As I have a few minutes spare at work, (an extremely rare occurrence lately) I've decided to finish it off and add a little update so, nothing for months then a huge tsunami of blogging at once!

Friends

I'm sat in bed wondering what I will achieve this morning before I go off to work and I started to consider my friends and that's got me thinking....  So, I've decided to write a blog as I have been very aware lately that I've not written for a very long time.

I've thought a lot about my friends recently.  In part because I've deactivated my Facebook account so don't see what my friends are up to now but mainly because there are a few more I have parted company with.  There have been no arguments but sometimes our lives go in different direction.  If a friend cannot accept your life choices and it causes friction between you, then is there any point in trying to maintain a fractious relationship? The situation isn't going to change and I'm fed up of trying to please other people.  Again, losing Stephen made me realise life is too short to waste time on those who don't appreciate you.

I think I have quite a small circle of friends.  I've never been one to "collect friends" and have never felt the need to have lots of people around me but I feel those I do have around me are very special to me.

This week I've been thinking about Christmas, the fact it's just 115 days away (as of today it's only 72 days away so you can see how long this has taken to complete) and I've been thinking about those friends who I rarely see but do get to see at Christmas.  I love it.  It's great to catch up with them, sharing news and gossip from the months since I saw them last.  This is my point exactly, I don't need to see my friends daily or weekly to consider them friends.  They remain friends because of their actions and attitude and not judging me. 

Both Jon and I have enjoyed spending time with friends this summer.  We've not spent as much time as we would have liked but that's mainly due to work commitments and decorating at home but we've appreciated the time we've had with them.  We've both had issues and problems to deal with elsewhere but they'll sort themselves out with time.  For now though we will just look forward to less hectic lifestyles and more time with friends.

Seven!

I'm in quite a reflective mood today.  Reading my blog above I suppose has contributed but by far the biggest influence on my mood today, (and for the past few days to be honest), is the fact that tomorrow, Monday, would have been my 7th anniversary of Steve and I getting hitched.  It was a lovely day, everything went perfectly and it was an enjoyable, stress free and over far too soon.

I've debated with myself many times the thought of "til death us do part" and how I'd never have considered Steve and I would part so soon afterwards.  Our 'lifetime' together spanned just 4 anniversaries so that's just four anniversaries as a married man and now I'm on to my third as a widower.  It's a thought that makes me only too aware of how quickly time passes us by.

So, what will I be doing to mark the occasion?  In short, not a lot, I'm working.  At the same time whilst it is important to look back and accept where you've come from I think it's also important to look to the present and to the future.  This makes me grateful for the partner I have and the future we are able to build together.  Not forgetting our pasts but learning from them and looking forward to a brighter future.

The Rest

I suppose then all that's left to say is to mention a few highlights since I blogged last.  There are loads but amongst them are:

1) My parents have celebrated their 40th wedding anniversary with a party at home and then a road trip around Scotland.  It was great to see friends and family and a good time was had by all.  The weather was good and I thoroughly enjoyed cooking for them all, (although I did make far too much food).

2) There's been a new addition to the family.  A lovely baby boy who decided to keep us waiting almost two weeks more than he was supposed to but he was well worth the wait and is adorable.  

3) Jon and I have taken a trip to the Channel Isles to see family.  It was the first time I'd met them and was the first time in many years Jon had seen them too so it was lovely to just spend time with them.

4) A dear friend of mine has been appointed as a representative of The Queen as a deputy lieutenant.  It's a well deserved position and it suits her personality too so I look forward to hearing the many stories I am sure she will have over the coming weeks, months and years.

Lowlights include:

1) Health issues within the family, not just on a personal note with Jon and I but also the wider family.  This has caused a ripple effect, much like throwing a boulder in a pond.  It's difficult being unable to help though.

2) Health issues with friends, one in particular is battling a cancer and there are others, equally concerning.  I want to do more to help but my hours at work, more specifically the antisocial non working hours aren't helping.

3) Taking on too much work, trying to renovate a kitchen, bathroom and a few other rooms in the house consecutively really does take it's toll on your motivation and energy levels.  It seems like a never ending slog.

Reasons to be cheerful:

1) It's holiday planning time for Jon and I.  We both turn 40 next year so we are hoping to go away for each of our birthdays, Purses permitting.

2) I have some time off in November to go and visit my Sister, visit some friends down south, a shopping day with Mum and a beer sampling day with a legendary lesbo!  (The hidden negative is that these trips are punctuated with work and MUST DO DIY tasks.

3) Christmas is coming (Yay!) although this means I am VERY behind on making and crafting things for gifts and I will be working most of it but still, I love the festive season.

Well, that's about all I'm going to bore you with for now.  I'm not making a promise to be back soon because I doubt I'll be able to keep it but I hope it isn't so long until I return.

Take care,

Mark

731 days later

Or, I suppose it's easier to count it as two years, (spread over a leap year hence the odd "1" at the end).

That's how long it's been since my husband took his last breath, since I became a widower and since the world as I knew it changed forever.

As I look back I recall it was a very long night following a very long day which was a roller coaster of emotions from 01:58 when I first received the call from the hospital advising me Stephen had become acutely unwell and asking if I'd like to visit him. I was there at 02:16 but it was after midday before I was allowed to see him.

By this time he was securely wrapped on a gurney hooked up to loads of machines with tubes and wires all over him ready to be put in an ambulance and sent with blue lights flashing to a neuroscience specialist unit.

Shortly after his arrival he was seen by a consultant who immediately came to advise me what he had found. Stephen was unresponsive to light. This meant little to me at that time but it basically meant he was already brain dead and, although a variety of machines were keeping the mechanics of his body "alive" the chances of him ever opening his eyes and smiling at me were gone. It was now just a waiting game.

We were told that sedatives would no longer be given to Stephen and eventually mechanical support would be withdrawn but, as he was a strong young man of 32 then we may have days as opposed to hours to say goodbye to him. This was like nature mocking us. Firstly it claimed Stephen too many years too soon and then it toyed with us and threatened to torture us for an indefinite period just waiting for the inevitable.

Stephens final hours were peaceful. It was 04:30 the following day when he exhaled his last breath. Fate had allowed Me, his parents, my parents, his brother and some friends the opportunity to say goodbye. Wishing he could stay but allowing him to leave and go on to wherever he had to go next.

The next few days, weeks and months are a bit of a blur. Gallons of tears, recalling some wonderful memories and feeling bitter and cheated at the cruelty of life.

Looking back though I learned lots at that time. I learned a lot about myself and about those around me. More importantly though looking back I can see that actually I am a stronger person than I realised and I still firmly believe things happen for a reason.

With this in mind I truly believe if Stephen could have gone to a "pick'n'mix" counter and build a new partner for me then the person I met just nine months later is precisely that person. I guess I have another guardian angel now. This one is called Stephen and I'm sure he's never far away.

Two years on and a lot has changed. I sometimes wonder what Steve would say if he could come back and have a chat and review the past two years with me. What would he tell me off for and what would make him proud? I can guess and I'd probably be pretty close.

Time hasn't made his passing a less bitter pill to swallow and it hasn't made the hurt any less but I've got used to this feeling. Like a numb ache you can't get rid of and the feeling that something isn't quite correct, like wearing your shoes on the wrong feet.

I have a lot more happy than sad days now and I have things to look forward to. I'm not sure if I will ever feel like I used to but I'm not sure I want to. I'm proud of my 'scars' and wear them like medals of an ongoing battle where every day is a triumph.

As I start my third year as a widower, all be it a partnered widower, there's a tinge of sadness for what may have been but, I am excited about what the coming year may bring.

Thank you Stephen for our happy years together, thank you for being my guardian angel and thank you for continuing to make me smile, even in your absence your memory makes me smile. Sleep peacefully. Finally though, thank you to my Jonathan for being so patient and understanding.

Love, hugs and best wishes to you too and to everyone who remembers Steve and looks back fondly.

Xx M xX

Fifty - Fifty

Fifty-Fifty....

That’s much better odds than you have of winning the lottery.  Macmillan’s report today that by 2020 almost half of the UK population will get Cancer during their lifetime comes as no great surprise to those of us who have lived with or had a brush with Cancer.  How many of us buy a lottery ticket and dream of what we will spend our winnings on?  How many of us dream of how different life would be if we won the 50:50 lottery of cancer?

 

It’s a fascinating but scary thought, as you look around the room or think about those nearest and dearest to you that half of you will get Cancer.  That doesn’t mean you’re likely to die from it, the odds on that are much higher.  After I lost my Husband to Cancer I checked out what the odds were of the situation I found myself in and was surprised to learn that Stephen was more likely to win the Euro millions lottery on a Triple rollover week than to get diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme and die just eight months later.

 

Stephen’s Cancer was a relatively rare, just Google it, the simpler term would be Grade IV (4) Brain Tumour.  Extremely aggressive and quick growing cancer that rarely responds to even the strongest treatment.  Median survival is 12 – 18 moths.  It doesn’t make for pleasant reading, especially not as the sun shines through the window and we think of the weekend ahead but, it seems sooner or later we will all have to consider cancer and the effect it will have on us or a loved one.

 

Prior to Stephen’s diagnosis in September 2010 we had rarely considered Cancer or it’s effects but we were soon plunged into a strange and unfamiliar world.  Yes, we met fantastic professionals who told us clearly what we could expect and to re-assure us that they would do all they possibly could to give us the best, or longest, possible future.  We were told about support available on an emotional or practical level too and introduced to some of the wide ranges of support Macmillan, (http://www.macmillan.org.uk/Home.aspx ) amongst others, were able to offer. 

 

Our experience of Macmillan was great, Stephen’s specialist nurse, Alison, was great.  Just knowing she was there was a comfort.  We sought specialist support though as we wanted to learn and understand more about this journey we were on.  We found another charity, BT Buddies (http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/ ) and they were also great in providing clear and factual information specific to Brain Cancer but when we looked for emotional support we struggled, we found none that we felt met our needs although many wanted to help none really understood our situation.

 

You see, as a gay couple Stephen and I felt our needs were slightly different.  We were processed in the same way with no consideration for our situation.  For example, we had the obligatory “fertility talk” from a nurse explaining that Chemotherapy could affect Stephens chances of fathering a child.  We made light of the situation, both giggled and flippantly asked the nurse if there had been recent scientific breakthroughs meaning that men could bear children?  It was uncomfortable for us all, the nurse saying.... “Well I have to tell you” even though whilst not mincing in on a cloud of pink glitter, we were clearly a couple and were proud to say so, and often had to.

 

Throughout his treatment Stephen had regular appointments with various doctors and consultants.  This involved waiting in a large waiting room to be called to a small consulting room.  The pattern was usually that the nurse would call out Stephen’s name, he would stand to identify himself to her so she could take him to the consulting room and as I stood next to him there would be a slightly  confused look and she’d say... “and you are?”  I’d have to identify myself as Stephen’s husband and then she’d march us off to the consulting room. 

 

Not such a big deal you may think.  It may not be for us, we were/are not shy and retiring types but imagine how difficult that is for someone who is.  Someone who would prefer not to disclose their sexuality or are simply not “out”.  They have just been identified as a same sex couple in front of a busy waiting room.  It’s a simple thing that adds to the stress and anxiety of the situation for a vulnerable patient.  There were many other situations which Stephen and I made light of but, had we been more sensitive types, we may have been more upset by them.  It was this experience that made Stephen and I want to address this issue. 

 

We searched throughout the UK for an LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Trans) service which provided specific support for cancer sufferers.  We wanted to chat to other men to see how they were dealing with their cancer and how it affected them, their families and friends and found that there are none.  A chance to talk to someone in the same situation and to share experiences.  Whilst the medical needs of LGBT patients may be the same the emotional ones are not.  When we realised there was no such support though we decided we would remedy this, just as soon as Stephen got better.

 

Unfortunately he didn’t get better and he passed away almost two years ago.  His dream hasn’t died with him though.  With the help of some friends I’ve now set up the first UK charity to help provide such support.  It’s taken some time and  LGBT Cancer Support (http://www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk/ ) is still in it’s infancy but we are here to help.  We are not a replacement for any other support service and see ourselves in part, as a signposting service toward other specific and targeted support but our main aim is to support the LGBT community, their friends and families living with a cancer diagnosis.  We have plans to make a bigger difference but this will take time, experience and of course money.  Sometimes our questions or thoughts don’t make sense and there is no logical reason to ask them such as, “would my Son have got this Cancer if he wasn’t gay?” or  “I feel embarrassed about my breasts since my partner had a mastectomy” but if these are things which trouble us then why shouldn’t we talk about them? 

 

You’re right, we should but members of the LGBT community are often concerned about homophobia.  It still exists and it’s still in our communities.  Yes we may have legal rights and laws protecting us but prejudice is ingrained in some and gay hate crime is still a real and current threat.  As gay marriage is debated by government gay men are being targeted and attacked so is it any wonder we worry that we may not get the same treatment as our heterosexual friends, or that we may be judged for our life choices.  Let’s face it, the common perceptions of the LGBT community are often those of hedonism and promiscuity but cancer doesn’t respect or recognise age, sexuality or even those of a virtuous nature so we, as a community, are also facing those 50:50 odds of getting Cancer during our lifetime.

 

As I’ve said, Cancer isn’t something any of us want to think about and of course I can only talk about it from the perspective of a Widower who lost his husband to the disease.  I can’t change the world and I’m not going to discover a cure but, I can take my experiences and channel them in to making a positive change in the lives of those affected by Cancer.  I hope to never meet or hear from any of my readers as I hope none of you have to experience the cruelty of Cancer  but please keep me in the back of your mind and remember LGBT Cancer Support will be here if you ever need them.

Take care,

Mark x 

A much overdue update...

Well I guess it's about time I actually write something and today, being Stephens birthday seems an appropriate day. He would have been 34 today. It's his second birthday since he got his angel wings. I don't mind admitting its a difficult day. Of course I still miss Steve and then feel guilt for Jon but I think he understands. Circumstances beyond the control of either of us brought us together and far from him being a 'second option' I love them as much as each other but only one can reciprocate. I'm sure some thought it would be a "passing fad" or "on the re-bound" but that's not the case.

I am as surprised as anyone to have found someone so special so soon but we make each other happy. We've been together now well over a year. I won't say it's been easy, it's not been but, most of the difficulties have been due to factors outside out relationship so as those are resolved things just keep getting better.

When I wrote last I mentioned I was in training for my new job. It was intense to say the least and not everyone who started met the grade and completed so I was pleased to have qualified early in March. I am now a driver for Metrolink.

Yes, driving trams wasn't something I ever envisaged doing but compared to my last job it's great. The main motivation for leaving my old job was that I was working long hours, over and above those contracted with no thanks or appreciation and no monetary reward either. Here at least I have sign on and sign off times. Work outside those hours is voluntary and paid and there is no chance of me being expected to take work home. The shifts can make socialising difficult as when I finish at 1am there's few people around for a chat but the shifts are planned well in advance so at least I know when the next break is coming. All in all, the stress if training was worth it and now I get to enjoy driving a 2Million pounds vehicle weighing around 40 Tons (unloaded) and seeing the sights and sounds of Manchester and surrounding areas on a daily basis.

Looking back there are a few other significant events, flowers from Jon, a visit from Spider-Man and some weekends away including a beautiful 5 star mini break with Jon for passing my exams and most recently a lovely weekend visiting friends. Those are the good things. On the down side my Sister is having to have her dog euthanised today.

She got her from a rescue centre, many years ago, she was an abused dog so took time to settle but she was certainly one of the family. I'm not sure how many years, probably more than 10 or 12 years but I think my sister has had the dog longer than she's had her husband! The dog has been poorly recently and the vet has advised it's "for the best" as she's likely to be in pain etc. I really feel for her an feel sad myself too because Simba really was like Michelle's shadow. I'm very sad about it too. This has come days after Jon has had to bury his Dads cat who died on Monday.

They may "only" be pets but when they are with you for many years, you care for them and nurture them and see their little personality traits and you really do become attached. My cats were great after I lost Steve, even my antisocial cat, Marmalade, would sit with me just to keep me company. Lately Tigi, who was Steve's cat before I met him, has been very affectionate to Jon. I think she approves. He is very much a cat person and she is able to look cute and make him do what she wants!

Well, time has flown by and I'm up at 4.30 am tomorrow so I'll bid you all goodnight and I hope to write soon as there's plenty more to say .

Bye for now.
Mark x

Time flies

Time flies not just when you're having fun but in general. I remember my mum saying that years ago and arguing that time will always pass at the same rate. An hour is and hour, a day is a day and a year a year etc so how can they go faster or shorter? They do though.

It doesn't seem that long since I was looking forward to 2012 and wondering what it would bring well, even though I may have hoped for what I got I doubt I would have thought it possible. A new job, a new partner, a registered charity number and the house sold.... Well 3 out of 4 ain't bad and hopefully the house will sell soon.

The new job is going well. I've been in training since I started on 3rd December and will be until the end of March. It's going well, I am enjoying it and am sure I have made the right move.

The charity is ticking over, it's almost on a simmer as my main job is getting my full attention until the period is over.

The new relationship is not that new any more, it's 10 months in now and is good. The parts I used to dislike about new relationships, the learning about habits good and bad and likes and dislikes are now the things I like and am enjoying. It's not always perfect but isn't that part of learning about each other? I think so, that, for me, is exactly what makes it perfect. The fact we are both takin the time to learn about; and from each other.

Looking forward to the year ahead there is much I would like to happen and much that could happen but I really only want the house to sell so we can all move on and have a fresh start.

This year I am planning to utilise an idea I read about. Basically every day you make a note of something that made you smile or made you happy along with something which may have made you sad or frustrated you. Then, at the end of the year, open the jar and look back on all the good memories but also look back at the frustrations and see how well you have overcome the challenges you faced.

I've started well and hope to be able to keep the momentum going. I may not manage 365 notes this year but I hope to at least capture a large part of the minor highs throughout the year.

Well I guess that's about all for now, I'm on a meal break at work so it's time to get back to it.

Until next time, take care,
Mark X

New Year.... that means catch up today!

Looking back over the years entries including that from new year 2011/12 I can see how very much things have changed.  Before I go on though I just think it’s worth getting Christmas out of the way with a mention at very least.  I had a lovely Christmas this year,  waking up in the arms of someone I loved so much was perfect.  Something I never imagined possible again just 12 months previously.  I don’t need to labour much on the gifts, it’s about the giving not the receiving however, there are some I’d rather have not received.  I was fore warned though.  I’m not a snob at all but “Poundland” is not known for its fine fragrances. 

 

My Sister and Brother in Law  arrived on Christmas Day from Norfolk which was a big surprise for my Mum.  She didn’t think she was coming until late on Boxing Day so she was very pleased to see my Sister, as was I.  I had to help keep the surprise by laying the table for five (without sis and brother in law) and also only putting presents out for those who were “supposed “ to be here at Christmas.

 

The meal went off without a hitch.  Everything was homemade, nothing was “courtesy of.... A.N.Other supermarket” but all fresh wholesome food prepared with a hint of creativity from yours truly. 

 

On Boxing Day Jon and I didn’t bother getting dressed at all.  We slobbed all day in our dressing gowns.  It was lovely to just relax all day after a later start.  It was something neither of us would usually do.  The following day we attended a family party and since then we have also caught up with some other friends.  It’s been lovely to spend time with family and friends, new and old.  It reminds us what’s important and I hope we can spend more time with each other and those who are important to us for the coming year.  We, (I) had hoped to go and visit friends for new year too but after being landed with a £565.00 bill for heating repairs the funds just won’t stretch.  Hopefully we can catch up early in the new year though.

 

Back to now.  It’s New Years Eve.  One of my least favourite nights of the year. It always has been.  Those with Steve before diagnosis were the best I remember but since then they have been as unpleasant as I always remember.  Maybe in the future this will change, I expect so.

 

Looking back over the year there have been many low points.  The first anniversary of Steve’s passing, losing friends, being hurt by “friends” and of course the usual tribulations of life when things don’t go to plan.  I am sure there are some people who would delight in my pain.  They’ll get no satisfaction here.  Happiness is the overwhelming flavour of the last 12 months.  Some of it forced because I refuse to let grief and/or Cancer spoil my life any more but most of it a genuine and enthusiastic, and an all consuming feeling. 

 

Early this year I met a very special man.  Not someone to replace or compare to Steve but someone different, VERY different and he has had a wonderful impact on my life.  Yes he knows of and accepts Steve but he also accepts me and I accept him.  We BOTH have “baggage” but we manage to make each other very happy.  I’ve found a new job and have managed to get the charity I set up in Stephens memory set up.  I have a charity number for the charity www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk now and have a clear vision of where I want to “take it”.  When the training for my new job finishes early in March I will be able to focus more time on it and move it forward in leaps hopefully.

 

Looking forward I have so many hopes and aspirations for the future.  Some of them as an individual and some of them as part of a couple.  Some will be achieved this year and others may take longer and some may need re-considering but, the important thing is that I am aware of that and accept it and I know, because I have lived through such horrible times, that no matter what life throws at me I can deal with it and I will come out the other side, stronger  and better for it.  On a more flippant note this cheers me as tonight I’ve discovered my washing machine has broken.  That’s £565 for boiler repairs and now a new washing machine...!  Goodbye 2012 an d hello 2013!

 

Whatever you’re up to this evening have a lovely time.  Take a moment to recall those who have made you happy this year.  Friends and family.  I will be.

 

I hope you have a peaceful and happy 2013 and I wish you all you wish for yourself.

Lots of Love,

Mark x

 

One year older

One year older but do I feel wiser? Hmm it's debatable. Looking back to my birthday One year ago I can see I was in a very different place.

Here is the post from the day before my birthday last year: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2011/12/significant-six.html

I could never have imagined the year I have had. I don't remember what I wanted for the coming year last year but I never imagined, just three months after this post it would bring a new partner as special as Jonathan.

So lets look at it. It's now 18 months since Steve passed away. It's gone really quickly. As you will have read in recent posts I have had highs and lows but Steve is very much still a part of my life and of Jonathan's life too now as if it affects me then it affects him too.

It seems some people have assumed because I have Jonathan then I have forgotten Steve. That isn't the case at all. Eighteen months on though and in general I feel like I am in a good place. Jon has really made a difference in my life. I'm not sure what my frame of mind would have been now if I had not met him but I'm not going to dwell on it. I am just happy I met him.

My birthday this year has been lovely. Jon tried his best to get me "excited" about my birthday this year but I struggled. I guess I have been nonchalant about it for a few years so am just not used to enjoying it.

This year though I did enjoy it. It started on Thursday when Jon took me to see Ken Dodd's show. I mentioned a few weeks ago I'd like to see him whilst I still can as he's 85 and wont be around forever. The show started at 7.30 but he is notorious for being on stage for a very long time. This was a problem as I had an important exam to sit on Friday morning so we left in the interval.... at 10.40! He was great and my lasting impression was that he thoroughly enjoyed doing what he does.

I commented that I would be happy to work until I physically can't work any more so long as I am able to enjoy it as much he clearly loved what he does. That is of course if I am lucky enough to get to his age.

On Friday we had a relaxed night in and on Saturday we went to a family gathering. That was nice too. On Sunday I got to open presents. That was lovely. My Sister and some other friends had sent presents and Jon had bought loads, it was great. I don't think I am a difficult person to buy for though. Everything was lovely and there is too much to list and I appreciate it all and will look forward to using them.

On reflection I don't think I looked forward to the last two birthdays as there seemed little to look forward to. There was so much uncertainty in the future but the future generally looked bleak. Now I have a new partner I realise I have a brighter future. Not because of him but in part, with him. Being "loved up" again makes everything seem better.

The other positive change has been the new job. I am really enjoying it so that has lifted my spirits too. The house needs to sell now and then things would be really rosy. I keep getting told to let things take shape in their own time, I'm impatient though and whilst I know "everything for a reason and nothing before its time" it's still toughs obtaining focus. I suppose though I now have a special guardian angel, he sent me a new partner and guided me toward a new job so I guess he will be nudging the move in due course.

Well, this week so far has been a good but busy one. Seeing friends, wrapping presents and finishing off the chrimbo prep. Not long to go now before the fat fella comes down the chimney so I will try and write again before then but if not will at least aim to "review the year" before it ends.

Take care of you and yours and I hope you all have a happy safe and wonderful christmas.

Lots of love,
M x


Sent from my iPhone

Catch up

Wow! It's been over a month since I blogged last. How time has flown and how things have changed in such a short space of time.

On November 5th I received a call confirming I could start my new job on December 3rd. I quickly had to submit my notice and start finalising things including the £200k funding bid I was working on.

My notice period went without a hitch really. I was pleased to leave my old job as so much has changed and it had become less enjoyable. I'm not going to discuss my new job as many will know what it is and it isn't really that important although its suffice to say this week has been very enjoyable. It's week one of an eleven week training course so there's a long way to go but I'm pleased I made the move.

I had to call back in to the old place on Wednesday to sign the £200k bid before submission. We will find out how it's gone in around 16 weeks so fingers crossed eh!

Part of the reason for leaving my old job is so I can spend more time focussing on a more personal project. Although the new job is still full time I won't be able to take my job or work home with me so in my spare time I can focus my energies on making a difference to other people's lives.

If you've read for a long time then you will know Stephen and I had a very mixed experience of cancer and of cancer support. We found there is no specific support for members of the LGBT community dealing with cancer. After he'd receive his first wave of treatment Stephen and I made a pact to rectify this just as soon as he got better.

As you know, he didn't get better but I've still kept to my end of the bargain. With support from a friend and also Steve's Mum who has been doing car boot sales this year to raise funds we have finally got to a point where we are now registered as a charity with the charity commission.

www.lgbtcancersupport.org.uk was "born" this October officially. This isn't the end of the journey but the very beginning. There is a lot to do and I am slowly gathering support. I have an old friend who is an accounts expert who has volunteered for doing the finance stuff and a few others who are happy to help wherever possible but I will also be on the lookout for others, researchers, web designers, graphic designers, copywriters and other forms of help which I may not yet know I need.

Take a look at the website and feel free to use the contact form there to tell me what you think. It's going to change a lot over the coming months. Those changes will probably happen more once training for my new job is complete but at least I am now in a job which will afford me free time to do what I want and need.

I must say I have been very lucky though to have the support of those around me and in particular the support of a partner who is happy to help and support me in trying to pay the best possible tribute I can to my late partner. I am not sure outsiders understand what a positive effect he has had on me and some perhaps do not want to see how good he has been for me, it may be that they don't want to see because their feelings for steve are influencing that but the point is though that I know and I appreciate it.

On times I feel I need to remind other people that I am still a widower and I am still fighting a daily battle to deal with how that makes me feel. Not Jonathan, in fact never Jonathan, he accepts Stephen is as much a part of his life as he is mine. I am convinced others look in and think I have forgotten Steve and their insensitivity, attitudes and actions back this theory up. It's difficult, for many reasons. Yes, I have good days and good weeks but a recent incident reminded me that my recovery this far is relatively fragile.

Onwards. Christmas is just over two weeks away and then new year. I love Christmas and hate new year by I am looking forward to reflecting on this year. It's been difficult. There have been good and bad times and whilst its been wonderful meeting someone special in equal measure that has been tough too. Obviously my history factors a part of the difficulty but there are other external factors too. Hopefully 2013 will be more positive.

For now though most presents have been bought, many are wrapped its mainly Jonathan I have left to buy for. This weekend though we are heading to London so no shopping but, I am looking forward to us spending time together .

I'm signing off for now, have a great weekend and I hope to write soon

xxx M xxx

Sent from my iPhone

Feeling, knowing or hearing?

Feeling, knowing or hearing?

That's what I am asking myself tonight. Which do I want? Which do I get and which do I give and to whom to I give what?

What am I talking about? Love of course.

Some may argue it's a basic human need whilst others argue it's something we are conditioned to or against. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Also, this post is quite difficult to write as I'm conscious many people make assumptions about my writings so I feel like I am treading on eggshells!

As I look around myself I am seeing a few friends experiencing difficult times. It is hard to see, especially when you feel unable to help, even though you may desperately want to help.

To those people do they feel loved? Do they understand and know that they are loved as a friend or is it necessary for me to remind them?

It's a tough one. I am uncomfortable with throwing the 'L' word around freely. Many people do it, it doesn't make it right, or at least not right for me, but some people are keen to lavish their love on anyone or anything that stays still long enough. That's fine for them so long as they don't expect it to be reciprocated without consideration and thought.

Just because I don't tell someone I love them doesn't mean they aren't. There are some very dear friends whom I love as friends. I rarely tell them I love them but I am keen to demonstrate my love and compassion for them in other ways as they do for me.

It's quite a tough one really because for most of us, we can't control how much we love someone. We do or we don't. It's almost impossible to just stop loving someone. Yes it can change, either prompted by their actions or our desires but generally, if you love someone you can't switch the emotion off. Love can become anger or upset but it reverts back to love at some point.

Love changes but it never goes away. I saw a comment this week from a Widowed friend. On what would be their wedding anniversary she pondered the vows they made, "till death us do part", she commented that even though he husband isn't here she still loves him. His death didn't switch off the love.

I thought about it and its the same for me. My love changed to anger, to frustration and at some point reverted back to love, it's a different sort of love now but it's still there. As I've pondered in previous posts it is difficult to love if it isn't reciprocated and, whilst I know Stephens love for me never wavered , arguably it ended after he exhaled his last breath.

It's because I have had these feelings of a deep down connection and love that I now feel I am able to make better decisions, stronger decisions really with conviction and courage. I understand though not everyone is able to do the same and it's natural to question your own judgement.

After being in an emotional void for a period of time I know only too well how difficult it is to re-educate yourself into learning to accept the feeling of being loved, the knowledge that you are loved and how difficult it can be to hear those words you've longed to hear again, although, none of us will admit we really want to hear we are loved. We get bashful or uncomfortable hearing nice things about ourselves but still feel buoyed up by the feeling inside.

This is where I go back to are we conditioned or is love a basic human need? Some are conditioned to express their love at any opportunity, others, (me included), are more reserved and save sharing those emotions for very special ears and others have been conditioned to lock their emotions away and the longer they have been locked away the more layers of crap you have to hack through to release those feelings and emotions.

It could be argued the other way though, that we are conditioned to think we need or like to feel loved and that the basic human need is for pure survival, food, water, air and light and anything else we want or 'need' is a learned trait or habit and nothing more.

I don't have the answer to this ramble unfortunately but for me, I feel that although love may not be a basic human need it is a basic Mark need. I need and like to feel and know I am loved, if i can feel it and know it then I don't always need to hear it and at the same time I hope my friends and family feel and know how much they are loved from my actions and words and also appreciate how precious that 'L' word is to me when it passes my lips.

For me it's now time to sleep but I am sending love to you reading this. In my mind, if you've read this far then you clearly care, (one way or the other), about my thoughts and feelings so for that I truly thank you and would genuinely like to say thank you for your messages,"likes" or comments etc too, they really are appreciated.

Until next time, goodnight.
Mark x

Sent from my iPad

Catching up.

Today is a good day. I really am in a good mood tonight. I can't put my finger on one thing that's made a difference but there's a few things which has generally left me feeling in a lighter, brighter mood and generally happy.

Some small wins this week though have seen me pulling together some Christmas plans. I still have a way to go but I feel I am on the right track. I've managed to get some things done too that I wanted to do on a personal level. There's a few friends having particularly tough times right now so I wanted to send them a note to let them know they are in my thoughts.

In addition to that I have sent some gifts to friends who have had babies this year. One couple had their child on March 13th, the day I met Jonathan so you can see how far behind I have been.

I am pleased to have caught up though and to have got them sent. There's a few other things I need to catch up on but they will come soon. I'm learning to not beat myself up about falling behind though and just to crack on and make best use of the time I have.

There have been several reasons why I have fallen behind. I'm usually quite organised so its fairly unusual for me. I think most people will assume that Jon is to blame. I'd argue not. In fact I'd argue that he's helped me get to this point quicker by helping me find happiness which had escaped me.

The hard truth is that I have struggled a lot this year. I'd become lethargic and disengaged. Things I previously enjoyed no longer gave me pleasure and my motivation was almost non existent. I needed help and fortunately was able to access it. I've learned that the root of many of these problems were underlying depression following on from Stephen's passing. This isn't about blame but more about understanding why I had started to feel and think the way I did.

I didn't want to turn to family, they have enough to deal with and to be honest they have had to deal with Stephen's loss too. Friends also have had their own issues and loss to deal with and it seems some have misunderstood what's really happening and have become distant. I suppose in many respects its my own fault, I've put up a front or worn a mask which says I am happy and coping and I've not wanted to talk to those close to me about how I've felt, I've opted instead to take professional help.

I'm on the other side of that now though. I feel I have a better understanding of myself. Of why and how I have changed and how my life experience has changed me.

I am pleased and proud that Jonathan has been at my side on this journey of discovery. I really feel he met me whilst I was at my most unattractive. I was quite negative, bitter, and generally not always a happy or pleasant person to be with. Some months on I now feel much happier, brighter and more positive. I see a future and am generally enjoying life and sharing the life I have with someone special. I feel I am finding the old Mark again and feel more positive about how I can go on to help others now.

I've felt flattered this week as a friend called on me for support. Flattered that they feel I can help and pleased that I was able to. As I look around myself now and the plans I have for my future I feel ready to take on the challenges ahead. There's a few things which are likely to change in my life over the coming months and the thought of these fills me with enthusiasm. It's exciting as there are a lot of opportunities and a lot of learning for me to do. Yes, there is a lot of work too but that's fine, I'm not afraid of hard work.

On reading that last paragraph again I am conscious that those changes are going to be both on a personal and professional level so, 2013 is going to be a huge year of change for me, no, not for me but for us, as those changes in my life will affect Jonathan too and again, I am pleased that he will be at my side as I will be at his through whatever lies ahead for him.

On a closing note I am looking forward to the weekend. I have no idea what is in store for me this weekend but I'm going to enjoy spending time with a very dear and special friend who happens to also be the person I am proud to call my partner. I hope that whatever you're doing that you have a great weekend too.

Until next time take care xxx

M x



Sent from my iPad

Sporadic blogging

Sporadic blogging, that's what I do, no rhyme or reason and not as regular as I'd like but something is better than nothing surely.

It's been a busy few days recently but tonight I can look forward to a night home alone.  I'm not sure what I'll do tonight but I will busy myself with something no doubt.  The past few days I have been busy stitching and crafting, making a few gifts for various people for a number of reasons.  I'm enjoying doing them but as November is looming I am feeling the pressure a little now.  I hope I can get everything done that I want to in the time I have left.  I suppose I ought to write a list but that will take me too long to do.  Sometimes I am envious of those people who just saunter along leaving everything until the last minute.  Do they have the right idea or do I have the best idea with my organised and thoughtful "process"?

I'd like to be a last minute sort of person but I hate the stress that causes, especially when you get to the point where it's a case of, "that'll have to do…"  where's the thought in a gift like that?  Where is the pleasure in seeing someone genuinely flattered or surprised that you got them a gift that is so right for them.  Jon's face when he saw his birthday presents was a joy to behold, he seemed genuinely surprised I'd listened to things he'd said, had remembered what he had said and also took time and effort to get it right.  I think it was right anyway but, I'm sort of scuppered for Christmas now, all my good ideas have gone but I'll keep thinking and looking.  Of course buying what you need early doesn't mean it will always be right, some people just take the "that'll do" approach regardless of timescales.

I'm hoping by planning ahead as I am doing that everyone will have something that is "just right", as I've said before I have bought a few things.  Last year I made some cushions for friends, they seemed to be welcome gifts.  I have loads of cushions on my sofa, my chair and bed etc and quite a number in the cupboard as there simply isn't enough room for all those I have.  Already though I have bought two cushions for a friend instead of making them, they were quite expensive but that is reflective of the fact that they are "designer" and there is a lot of work in them as they are very detailed.  I am sure they will be appreciated though.

Well, I started writing this earlier and have just come back to it.  It's late, after 11pm and my evening has been spent stitching, writing to a few friends and also trying to sort out domain names etc. that technology stuff is frustrating and stressful for me as I don't really understand it, i suppose i could but i don't like that stuff, Steve used to do it all.  It's still not sorted.  I will try again tomorrow when I am not so stressed and tired and see if I can do it.  I managed to fix it last year after a few days so I am sure I can do it if I can muster the patience.

I am too tired now to write more, reading this back it seems unfinished and, to be fair, it is unfinished but right now I am not in the right frame of mind to finish it.

Goodnight,

M x

My Second Anniversary as a Widower

I've avoided blogging properly for a short while, both reading and writing I suppose you could say I've needed some time out from reflective introspection.  I purposely didn't write yesterday as it could have ended up an emotional one and I wasn't sure I was ready for that.  A few weeks ago I was having a tough time of it all,  that's an under statement really,  I suppose it is down to the transition between one relationship and another or at least transitions through phases in relationships if that makes sense. 

The first anniversary of Steve's passing and then reaching a few months later the six month anniversary of meeting Jonathan, (to save you the maths I met Jonathan 9 months after I lost Steve).  Both are significant milestones.  The one because it sort of cements the reality that Stephen isn't coming back and the other because it cements that my feelings for Jonathan are a lot more than a fling or passing fancy or pure lust, I actually feel like he is going to be here for a long time, hopefully a very long time.

As yesterday was the 6^th anniversary of my marriage, (or civil partnership to give it it's correct term), to Stephen and it was the second anniversary without him, (he died on June 15^th our anniversary is October 14^th).  Yesterday's milestone was easier to deal with than last year.  Perhaps because it's the second anniversary I've spent as a widower or perhaps because I had Jonathan with me?  I'm not entirely sure but I suspect it has less to do with Jonathan and more to do with it being another anniversary without Steve. 

I received cards to remind me I was being thought of and phone and online messages of support too which were all welcome and appreciated.  I bought some flowers for myself, some white lilies.  They are my favourite flower and Steve liked them very much too.  I just wanted to acknowledge that it was a day full of memories, many many happy memories though not remorseful melancholic memories but memories which brought smiles of a beautiful day, glorious weather, non stop champagne and sharing it with family and friends.  They were all memories which made me smile.

I was also thoughtful as I looked toward the future.  I thought about how it felt and how I felt being 'married' and wondered whether I'd end up married again?  "Much Married Mark" pondering whether it will be third time lucky?  Maybe, who knows?  That's not a decision I can make on my own.  The feelings I have for Jonathan are as strong as those I had for Steve, I can't say 'have' as the love I have for Stephen has changed.  It is no less but it cant be the same because the relationship is not the same.  It's almost like that love for Stephen has peaked and that's where it's 'parked'  My feelings for Jon are as strong but the difference is he is physically here to reinforce and reciprocate that love too. 

I could and would never compare Jon to Steve, it simply wouldn't be fair and they are very different people in very many ways but, unfortunately (or fortunately) I have had a lot of life experience.  I've been in a relationship where I thought I loved the other person but after experiencing real love I know now, on reflection, that those feelings were feelings other than love.  I thought I was happy and I probably was in my own way but, Stephen taught me what it's really like to be happy.  Because of that experience I now recognise the feelings I have and I'm proud to say that Jonathan makes me as happy as I've ever been before.

I'm proud to refer to Jonathan as my partner and that is how I see him, an equal, my best friend and a jolly nice chap too.  I'm proud of the way he has accepted me and the fact that Stephen will always be a part of my life and, as a result, part of his life too.  He understands me and accepts me and I hope he feels I accept him and at least try to understand him too.  There is so much more I could write but I think you get the picture.

Reading this back through I feel I was right not to blog yesterday, my thoughts seem clearer today and are not as emotionally charged as they may have been yesterday. I will get back in to blogging but it may take some time so just bear with me. In the meantime though if you'd like to keep up to date with me then follow me on twitter at @adifferentmark Jonathan is on twitter too @BellyflopTV he has his own Video production company as well as working for "proper telly" so if you're interested in his work you can visit www.bellyflop.tv or his youtube channel which has some more examples of his work at http://www.youtube.com/user/bellyfloptv or even "Like" his Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/Bellyfloptv#!/pages/Bellyfloptv/116071861762514

On a closing note I thought I'd share with you some pictures from Steve's and My wedding back in 2006.  I found them interesting to look at as there are quite a few people who were in our lives then that are not in my life now.  It's a shame but people change and friendships break down there are about 8-10 people in those pictures I no longer have any connection with and two have passed on, whoever would have guessed that one of the grooms would be one of those that would no longer be with us just 6 years later?  Enjoy the pictures though.

xXx M xXx

http://s142.photobucket.com/albums/r113/StevenMarksWedding/Wedding/