Trouble Blogging

like a bus, you wait for ages then two come at once!!!

2012-01-21T19:18:00.001Z

well what a busy day it's been. I am exhausted now but I have had a lovely day and am back to thinking being single isn't all that bad. I still hate why I am single but I am getting used to it.

My train into London was early by a few minutes so my faith in rail travel has been restored. Virgin Trains seem to have a better handle on things than trans pennine, just a shame they don't operate more routes!

When I got to london I had a wander around and walked to the Canal Museum. I was there for 9.15 and it didn't open until 10.00 so I made my way back through Camden and on to Piccadilly. I took in some of the sights and shops along the way but I also made a decision on the show I was going to see.

I saw Wicked, http://www.wickedthemusical.co.uk/ it was brilliant! I was a little apprehensive as Steve and I used to perform one of the numbers in the show and the other is the soundtrack to a memorial slideshow a friend did but, tears aside, it was great. It made me laugh and made me cry but all for the right reasons. Steve would have loved it and having him with me, in person, would have been the only thing to make it better.

I walked across London to the theatre but stopped in Leicester Square and also taking time to wander around Covent Garden too. Steve and I had seen one of the street entertainers a while ago, his act hadn't changed!

After the show I walked back across London to the train and am now on the train on my way home. I am completely shattered but it's been worth it, a nice day out with myself!

Till next time...
Mark

Sent from my iPad

Time flies and another day trip...

2012-01-21T07:13:00.000Z

Doesn't time fly when you're having fun. I don't know where this week has gone to, at this rate it will be Christmas again before I know it.

On Monday this week I was back to work, it was OK but a long day, or at least it felt that way. The rest of the week I have had a series of meetings with various individuals and organisations with work and have even managed to squeeze in some training too. Its been very busy which is why it's gone so quick.

On Wednesday and Thursday I went to see friends so it's been good to catch up with a few people I've not seen for a while. Last night, (Friday) I decided to call in to the shops on my way home and return some TV connectors I bought about 2 weeks ago but, on my way I received a call from my Dad saying he was heading to Wales as his Dad was poorly and may not make it through the weekend. My Grandfather is 87 and has been poorly for a while so whilst its still not nice news it's not a huge shock.

My parents set off for Wales when I got home last night so I had the house to myself. Its too big for one person. I made some phonecalls and was also surprised to get a text from a friend inviting me to go on holiday in Egypt. It was nice to be asked and, maybe at another time I'd have accepted but not this time unfortunately. It was still nice to be thought of and asked though.

This morning I have got up early and am en route to London. I have no agenda for London, it might be nice to see a matinee performance later today but I have not planned or booked tickets. I have a short list of shows I might like to see, the list is about 15 long and is mainly musicals, (this amuses me as I learned this week that a friend detests them and doesn't see the point in bursting into song... ) I'm travelling alone so I don't need to consider anyone else. Will this "please myself" attitude make me a selfish person in the end, I don't know.

Well thats my lot for now, no other news to report, I might update tonight on my way home from London and let you know what I ended up doing in London.

Bye for now,
M x

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The Wandering Widower Wanders Some More

2012-01-15T16:41:00.001Z

Well it"s not been quite so long since my last post which is a bonus I guess as I know some people get a little miffed when I forget or omit to post a blog.

When I wrote last I was feeling a little blue. There are many reasons I guess but the good news is that I have been a lot better since then.

On friday I was later for work. My alarm went off at the right time but I fell asleep again and woke after 9.15. I am usually in the office before 9. Not a great start to the day and, it didn't get a lot better either.

After work I decided to go out and have a wander through the shops. There was nothing I needed but I just fancied a wander. I did manage to get some Issey Miyake aftershave though in one shop which had around £10 off the usual price, bargain! Because it reminds me so much of Steve, it's a favourite anyway and it brings thoughts of happy times I bought some, especially since I had run out of this at Christmas.

Strange thing is though just smelling it takes me, in my mind, to being stood aside Steve's open coffin and gazing down at him. Not perhaps a great thought for many people but it doesn't bother me, I suppose in a way thats not a bad memory because at tat point Steve was no longer in pain of suffering, it was just us suffering and in pain due to his loss. I'll still enjoy wearing the fragrance though.

On Saturday I was up early and out just after 7am to catch a tram in to town for the start of my weekend trip. Whilst buying my ticket and waiting for the machine to spit it out the tram had pulled up behind me and drove off before the machine dispensed my ticket - bugger! I was annoyed at the tram driver who clearly saw me!

There was another along though within 10 minutes so not too long a wait. Some may question why I bought a ticket as nobody really checks but, after the inspectors got on the tram I was on (and were clearly working that line for the day), I was pleased I did. I wouldn't fancy a fine.

My tram pulled in to Piccadilly at 8.26 and my train was due to leave at 8.26... Bugger I thought, the trip in had taken a lot longer than usual as it seemed there were problems due to frost with slow signalling etc.

I had checked the time of the next train en route so had a contingency in mind but, I trotted up to the platform all the same and, by a stroke of luck the train was delayed to 8.34 so I joined the crowd assembled.

To cut a long story short due to signalling issues en route the train didn't leave until 9.10 and then was terminated early for us to get on a rail replacement service between Huddersfield and Leeds then catch a further train to our final destination at Leeds.

The bus which was to collect us at Huddersfield was late, there were hundreds of people there and there was no organisation at all by the station staff, it really was a scramble and each man, woman r child for themselves. We were in the cold for easily 45 minutes which was more than slightly annoying. First Transpennine Rail were shockingly bad.

I eventually got to York almost two hours late. There was no point getting stressed about it as there was nothing I could do and it would be no different had I taken the car and there had been an accident on the motorway but what was bad was how poorly organised the rail company were. A shambles would be an understatement.

Once (finally) delivered to York I met with my friend and we went to Patisserie Valerie http://www.patisserie-valerie.co.uk/ for a coffee and cake.

After that we had a wander around the city walls of York http://www.yorkcitywalls.co.uk/ and did a little browsing through the many winding streets through the city before stopping for another coffee and snack and then heading back to my friends house for dinner.

Last night was sat and ate a lovely meal and had a good old natter over a bottle of wine and a G&T. We didn't stay up late as we were both zonked from an early start and a tiring day.

Today has really been a lazy day, after a cooked breakfast we just relaxed really and enjoyed not having a busy schedule. It's very relaxing there, in the middle of the countryside it's very quite, no distant hum like I get in the city.

Right now I am in the train home, again it's nice to let someone else drive whilst I sit here and catch up on my blog and generally do very little. I'm signing off for now but will be back soon....

That puts me in mind of a song from Oliver the musical where Fagin sings to the lads, "Cheerio but be back soon..." I can't remember much else but you get the

Bye for now,
Mark

Sent from my iPad

A lump in my throat and a metal heart

2012-01-12T23:26:00.001Z

I suppose it's funny but it's little things like this that seem to keep me going.

This week has been a bit of a roller coaster, today is definitely a downer though so I hope tomorrow will be on the way up again ready for the weekend.

Work has been odd this week, i have had a few presentations to do offsite and they have been well received, I guess I am managing to put my issues aside and do work stuff and maintain that professional veneer. It's difficult though and I really feel like I am sliding back down that slippery slope I was at the bottom of a few months ago, I am gripping with my fingers to the positives and to the progress I've made but I feel like I'm on the edge and it wont take much to push me over. Right now, I have that horrible feeling in my throat, you know when you're about to cry but you are trying really hard not to? It's been there a while, days or weeks, I'm not sure but this week I am conscious of it.

On Tuesday this week my Mum visited a friend of hers, she and her sister were great with Steve and I throughout his journey and she is still there, making me smile. This week she sent home a little metal heart with my Mum for me, it's next to my hope heart in the picture.

It is very tactile and is very much like the chinese stress balls, it is heavy but hollow and has a chime inside so, as you move it in your hand it chimes, it's lovely and she said I should hold it and make it chime whenever I feel sad and the chime will be like Steve talking to me.... it's so thoughtful. A simple little thing but it made me smile.

I have been reading Steve's blog (it's this blog but from when Steve was writing it not me) from last year, it's interesting to me how we seemed a little naive. Stephen always said he knew the cancer would get him in the end but he was going to give it the run around for 5 or 10 years first. He never doubted that and neither did I. You can imagine the mixed thoughts I have about that right now.

Phew, and I was doing so well last week, I am accepting that I'm single, a widower or single, it means the same thing really. I hate why I am single but being single is OK I guess. I'd rather have Steve here but for now, if I can't have him I would rather be single. I guess this is me re-adjusting to my new "normal".

On another note I am looking forward to the weekend, I am meeting a friend in York on Saturday, I'm travelling up by train so it will be a stress free trip hopefully, we're going to be tourists for the day and then head back to his, his Mum has already prepared a nice meal, (it's in the freezer keeping fresh), and then I will catch a train home on Sunday. I actually enjoy going out and about on the train, it's so much easier, (not to mention cheaper), than driving. I'll be taking my camera too so I hope the weather is good, I have not seen the forecast.

Well, I think now it's time for me to have a shower and go to bed, I feel a little better for getting things off my chest. Sat here I am surrounded by pictures of Steve and I in happier times, sometimes they make me smile and other times they remind me what I, (and we), have lost. They made me feel a little sad earlier but now I have got my thoughts down they are making me smile. Hopefully I'll sleep tonight.

Before I go, I haven't forgotten my tattoo pic but, it's at the flaky stage for now so once it's settled I will take a pic and post it.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend and I will write soon.

M xx

Oooh, forgot to mention, if you know how to delete pics from the "photo stream" on iPhone and iPad please let me know - it will save me googling it..... Thank you xxx

Sent from my iPad

New Year and beyond

2012-01-09T22:05:00.001Z

Looking back new year seems to have been a long time ago. I was so worried about it but, in the end it worked out OK. My parents spent most of the day out and about so I was left to my own devices. I busied myself during the day and then after a shower decided to go out for a wander.

I wanted to buy some Issey Miyake aftershave for myself. It was a favourite of Steve and I, I wore it before Steve met me but he liked it and we wore it on our wedding day and the funeral director made sure Steve had a "squirt" once he was ready for his final performance. It's odd but smell evokes so many memories.

I recently re read Steve's blog from last Christmas and he mentions the same then. I bought him a fragrance which reminded me of when we first met and he bought me more of the fragrance I was wearing when we met. Happy memories refreshed by just slight hint of fragrance.

Anyway, long story short it wasn't in the sales so I didn't bother. I can buy it at full price anytime to I will wait a little. I wandered through the shopping centre and didn't buy a thing. I've lost the desire to shop, there's not a lot I need and nothing I need urgently.

I got home and relaxed with a nice cup of Earl Grey tea and then, as darkness had fallen, I wrote my letter to Stephen on a Chinese balloon lantern and then lit it and watched it float off into the night. I was tearful but, felt so much better for doing that.

I opened a bottle of wine but, failed to drink more than two glasses. I saw the new year in with a cup of Earl Grey. I watched the fireworks at London on the TV and felt the "BOOM" a lot closer to home as our neighbours set off a load of fireworks.

On new years day I relaxed. No agenda, just a whole lot of not very much and that was the same until I returned to work on 3rd January. it was good to be back to work. Not because I like it there but because I was just pleased to be back to normal.

The decorations came down shortly afterwards and things have got back to how they were before. The numbness has returned and life is as normal (or abnormal) as it was before.

I've had a bit of a thoughtful day today. I read today about another young man who has lost his battle against a GBM, he leaves behind a wife and two children under three years old. This disease really doesn't discriminate about age etc and doesn't care how many lives it affects it just does it's thing.

I really feel for anyone facing the diagnosis of a GBM and the more I learn about them the more I feel this.

On a different note, I learnt at New year that a dear friend of mine has been awarded an OBE in the Queen's new Year honours list, she is now Melanie Bryan OBE, read more about her here: http://www.melaniebryan.moonfruit.com/

Apart from that I don't have a lot of news, I do have a document to upload to Stephens website, http://troubleonline.co.uk/ but will do that in the next few days and write some more. I am sure there was more I needed to write and my thoughts have been more complex than I have mentioned but right now I am in a lighter mood so I won't dwell on that for now.

I'll write soon,

xx Mark xx

It's coming soon...

2012-01-03T23:48:00.001Z

I'm conscious I need to blog but I need my sleep tonight, it's almost midnight. I will write and upload pictures of my new tattoo soon but, in the meantime, let me share a few sentiments I saw online recently which have struck a chord with me. They probably give a reasonable overview of where my mind is "at" at the moment.

Till next time,
M x

All ready for a New year and a new start...

2011-12-30T21:37:00.001Z

My apprehension for new years eve is still there but, theres no point worrying about it as it will come and go this year as every year before.

As usual Steve has been in my thoughts a lot but in a good way not a bad way. Today more so than ever, I've been to get a new tattoo today, it's a memorial for Steve. I wanted it around my birthday but the tattooist was shut for Christmas so now I have it for new year. A fitting tribute I think.

My appointment was at 11.00 am this morning and I finally got out at around 3.15 this afternoon.... its not the biggest tattoo I have but it's the second largest, this is on my arm, I have three other tattoos too, the largest one is on my leg, I have one on my upper arm and the "bracelet" I had just after Steve died is on my wrist. This new one is on my forearm. I like it a lot and will post a picture in the next few days and will also explain it.

I feel better having this, as odd as it may seem, its just another reminder of Steve I will have on my person at all times.

The new year will bring a new start, new challenges and hopefully a few other new things too, all in all I am feeling pretty positive about it. I know it's going to get off to a good start, not intuition but more a "secret shared" but I will continue to keep it quite until it's allowed to be public news. It's really quite exciting.

I've decided tomorrow I will be avoiding the festivities by going out for the evening on my own in the car, avoiding people completely.

Well, not a lot else to report so, I shall take this opportunity to wish you a happy new year and that 2012 brings all you can hope for.

Love to you all,
M x

Sent from my iPad

Yay! Blog time again...

2011-12-28T22:20:00.001Z

What a busy few days it's been, well quite a few busy days really. Looking at this my last entry was when I went to Edinburgh, it was lovely there and I have already booked to go back in February. I will be going to London in January for a day trip too.

After Edinburgh I spent most of the week leading up to Christmas being extremely busy. I worked every day and then most nights ended up doing a little shopping for the festive feast.

On Friday I got home for 3ish and tidied up a little, all my shopping was done so on friday I started prepping for my day of cooking.

On Christmas eve I continued and cooked for most of the day, all in all I made:
* Carrot soup with roast pepper and onion
* Pate with cranberry, orange and whisky
* Cranberry orange and walnut stuffing
* Baileys cheesecake
* Christmas pudding ice cream
* Sausage rolls
* Mince pies
These were all of course part of the meal I made for 8 of us on Christmas day.

I spent a large part of the day alone, with christmas music on and crying continuously as I prepared and cooked and reminisced about Christmases past and thought about how much Steve would have loved to be in the kitchen with me . I suppose I did feel better for having my meltdown, the huge outpouring of grief I experienced was not then offloaded on to others. I know some find my grief unpalatable.

I cooked the 9 kilo turkey on christmas eve and after finally emptying the oven at 11.30 pm I decided not to cook any more and to make a start the following morning so got to bed just after midnight.

Before I went to bed I decided to light the chinese lantern I had prepared. I wrote a letter to Steve on it's fine rice paper shell and lit the fuel before watching the warm flickering, glowing lantern float gracefully skyward and in to the far distance. I watched for a long while as it faded in to the distance like a golden star, much different to the white ones which were residing in their usual location. I have another for New Years Eve and have shared some with family and friends too so they also can send messages to their loved ones. Although I know Steve will not get to read my message and cannot reply I found writing him a note and sending it in this way helped me feel more connected, at least for a short time.

Christmas Day. All in all the day was OK. It started slowly and peacefully at home with my parents, we were all mindful of Steve. We relaxed with a cup of tea before our guests arrived.

Steve's parents, Granny and two friends arrived around noon and we cracked open the wine. The lunch went without significant incident, everybody ate well, the conversation seemed to flow and all in all it was quite pleasant. There was obviously one exception, one glaring absence but, although we all felt it we didn't labor the point, perhaps for my peace of mind or perhaps to spare the discomfort of others. After dinner conversation flowed too but by 8 pm our guests had all left. I snuggled into my lounging clothes and watched TV.

On Boxing Day I was up early and cooking again, a Thai Red Curry and a Korma, an easy choice really as there were 9 of us for Dinner in the evening so it was a simpler choice. My Sister arrived with her husband and two more friends around 3pm, presents were exchanged, (they did an excellent job of choosing them) and the alcohol flowed again. It was lovely to catch up and sit, relax and chat.

I got to bed around 3am as after everyone went to bed I emptied and loaded the dishwasher again and tidied up a little. I got up before 8 the morning after though (yesterday) so last night I was in bed early, around midnight, and today has been a relaxing day. I've 'tidied' my computer up and spent time catching up with a few things online.

I have not decided what to do tomorrow. I will decide when I get up. It's odd, although I still think of Steve a lot I am finding my "level" I think so although the past few days have been tough I don't feel like my grief is out of control. I'm dreading new year but I am looking forward to January 1st, the significance of a new year and a new start.

I hope to write again before the end of 2011.

Love to you and yours,
Mark xxx

Sent from my iPad

Travelling again

2011-12-17T22:09:00.000Z

Yay! Another blog entry, it's because I'm sat on the train, have read my magazine an have some spare time.

Today I've been to Edinburgh. In part it was my treat to myself for my birthday, it's somewhere Steve and I loved so would like to think he'd have arranged something similar.

I set off from home before 6 this morning and, (because of power failures at carstairs, didn't get to Edinburgh until 11am! I was supposed to be there at 9.20! Still I guess that's just the way it rolls sometimes.

My first item on the agenda was a trip up Scot monument, 297 steps up to the top of the tower all on a spiral staircase!

There were 3 or 4 'landings' on the way up which afforded photo opportunities but it was VERY narrow when it got to the top! Oh, did I mention too that I HATE heights, my knees wobble and I am just not comfortable with it. It this was something I did for Steve.

When we were together in Edinburgh last out friends ended up climbing the Monument, Steve wanted to too but, as we'd done a lot of walking already and he was about to start month 5 of his chemotherapy regime he was far too tired to do it. We said we'd do it next time we went when he was better. Today I did it for him, it was well and truly out of my comfort zone but I did it for Steve.

Following that I wandered up to the castle, it's sort of a ritual I guess, something we always did. On the way back down I called in at Steve's favourite chippy and had haggis and chips with salt n sauce, (it's a Scottish thing which Steve introduced me to).

After that I made my way to Jenners. It's a department store and again, Steve's favourite. He loved it there at Christmas, they have a large atrium so always have a huge real tree which is easily in excess of 50 ft. I bought a few small bits and then ventured out on to Princes Street.

The buzz of the city was lovely today, they have the European markets there much the same as they do in Manchester but in addition in Princes Park they have a small fairground with a big wheel, (not as tall as the Scott monument but standing an impressive 115ft (which is 35 metres, I'm not a geek but the info board mentioned it).

In addition to this there was a "fair trade" marquee and another selling ethically sourced goods. There were reindeer, a samba band, choirs, a ski slope and ice rink and a whole host of other things. I enjoyed the atmosphere and it did go some way to Making me feel Christmassy, that was until the brass band started.

As the band started I felt the mellow tones of the brass instruments envelop me and with it the grief came too. In that moment of good cheer and festive spirit I was consumed by the loss of my soulmate. I can't explain why or how this happened it just did. As tears rolled down my face I walked on and away from this magic crying music.

Until that moment I had been enjoying the trip down memory lane, the celebratory atmosphere and just the feeling I'd had of having made progress and being able to do something positive for myself but still with Steve in mind. I guess I'll just have to accept that this is how life will be from now on.

The journey home has been good, trains were on time and it only took a little over 3 hours to get back to Manchester. I'm off the train and on the tram now and should be home in 20 minutes or so.

I'm going to sign off for now, it's been another day of mixed emotions but, overall, I think it's been pretty positive.

Until next time,
xxxMarkxxx

Sent from my iPhone

Significant Six?

2011-12-15T21:17:00.001Z

Hello, well I didn't promise I would get back to daily blogging I just promised I would try. I guess I failed, well this week at least.

As usual I have not written as its not been a great time. Last weekend my Mum decided to decorate the house for Christmas. Usually I would love it and so would Steve, in fact after he was diagnosed last year we all offered to cancel Christmas for Steve as we understood he may not feel like it. He was horrified! He loved Christmas and loved Christmas here even more as it's always been great here.

The tree decorating usually takes a while and that's with Steve and I joining in. This year I went out, I didn't feel Christmassy at all. It took my mum from 9am through to around 7pm just to do the tree and the staircase. Usually I do the three fireplaces, I didn't this year.

Instead I went out and bought a small tree, I knew Steve would have been disappointed if I didn't do something and after all, I spent ages making Christmas decs.

I decorated it once everyone had gone to bed last Saturday. On Sunday Mum asked me to do the garlands over the fireplace as I always have. I declined, I really felt mean but I was just not feeling the Christmas love, (and am still not). I feel I have done well, buying the rest of the Christmas prezzies, wrapping them, buying, writing and sending cards and even putting a tree up so I don't feel guilty about not going that extra mile.

After Mum spent the day on Sunday finishing decorating and doing the garland over the main fireplace time was called on the other two so what's done is done and what's not is not.

I spent Sunday wrapping the last of the Christmas presents so everything is done apart from the festive food.

I guess in a way getting sorted last weekend has left this week open for me to do other things. I've caught up with friends and had a very busy week at work. Partly a conscious decision as this week was always going to be tough so, with enough distraction I have managed not to crumble today. Not yet anyway.

You see today marks six months since Stephen died. Not a great milestone but one which I dreaded. Six months is a long time and although time has gone quickly there are some things that surprise me.

It surprises me that it's six months since I saw Steve smile and held him in my arms, my memories are so clear and it seems so recent at the same time I feel like I have been carrying this weight of grief on my shoulders for much longer.

The months have gone so fast, it's been a blur but there are bits which I play over and over again in slow motion in my mind.

I don't really know how I feel right now, numb, detached and tense to name a few emotions but it's just dawned on me, I should have perhaps opened some wine, not to mourn his passing but to celebrate the life we shared. Maybe later and maybe something stronger.

For now I think that's all I can write, I'll light a candle for Steve again tonight and will cherish the memories I have of a lovely life shared but lost too soon.

Goodnight, xx Mark xx

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It gets harder

2011-12-08T13:17:00.000Z

I know it's been a while since I've written but things have been tough but not sure why they would be more tough now than previously and I don't really think that it's due to Christmas although it may be.

I think there is apprehension there but perhaps approaching Stevens anniversary too as it's almost 6 months since he died that's quite daunting.

Since my last post there is not really a lot to write about although I have written my Christmas cards I did that last week, they have not all been posted yet but that was very tough it was difficult just writing from Mark on the card instead of from Steve and Mark.

Sitting at my desk I was again overwhelmed by feelings of grief, as I said I just think its the realisation that there is just me now. It was the same a few days before when I was wrapping presents and writing the tags, Steve helped choose some of them but many he didn't.

The general buzz around Christmas is difficult too. Many people fussing over what to buy their loved one this year. I can't buy mine anything. People are whizzing about trying to cram as much as possible in to their time before Christmas and worrying about what to buy, they forget that they are losing the best gift they could ever give a loved one, time.

Time spent chatting, sitting or just watching the world go by is what memories are made of. Who wants to be remembered for being busy all the time and not having a minute to spare? It's good to be productive but not at the expense of precious time with family and friends.

How many times have you prioritised work over your family or worse still, spent time with your family in person but not in mind as you are too drained from the pressures of work to be able to enjoy that time?

For that I am grateful to Steve. We always had time for each other, yes we worked long hours but we knew out limits and we often opted out of our routine for a night of togetherness in front of a movie or an evening out.

These past few weeks have been difficult, I don't know when they will get better but I am confident they will.

I came home last night and after cooking I settled to watch a film. I saw the first 10 minutes and the last 20 and fell asleep in between. I missed a few phone calls, text and emails in that time though. I must have needed the rest.

I am at a meeting this afternoon and it's due to start in 10 minutes but I was very early so have used the time to blog... I will write again soon I just don't know how soon xxxx

Bye for now,
M x

Sent from my iPhone

And so it ends...

2011-11-27T20:02:00.001Z

The weekend is over and now it's time to look forward to another busy week at work. No complaints though as it seems busy is just going to be the theme from now till Christmas.

On Thursday last week I had a busy day at work, so much so I was over an hour later than usual leaving which meant I had less time in the evening. That's not usually a problem but on Thursday I had to iron my clothes and pack my bag for my weekend away.

I tried to catch up with a few things before I left but as usual I ran out of time.

On Friday I was up and out early to catch my train, the train journey was around 4.5 hours to Norfolk, about the same length of time as it would take to drive.

When I got to Norwich I was met by my Sister and a friend. We made our way in to the city and went for lunch, it was lovely to sit and catch up as I've not seen either of them since Steve's funeral. We chatted for a while and then ha a wander through some of the shops there. By 5 we were heading for another stop, this time a cup of tea and a muffin. We sat and chatted for what felt like a short time but before we knew it, it was 7pm and the place was closing so we made out way back to the car.

As I was staying with a friend my Sister and brother in law came sound too and we all ate together, it was lovely again to catch up and just enjoy each others company oh and we did manage to sink a few Gin's!

On Saturday we all headed off to a country craft fayre. It was nice and great for getting ideas for the things I like to make. There was of course a few things which make you question, "who buys this stuff?" but, overall it wa good. One in particular was a guy who made jewellery from coins, I saw some with my year of birth and instinctively looked for Steve's too. I guess I have still not quite got out of the habit of shopping with Steve in mind. I wonder if I ever will?

Today, following a hearty breakfast we all headed off to Croma . A brisk and fresh walk along the prom, down the pier and then up the beach with my Sisters dog. Again it was nice to be out and about.

This afternoon it was time to head home so my friends dropped me at the train station to catch the 17.21 bus (a rail replacement service to Peterborough due to works on the line). That was the time printed on the ticket, it was only when I got to Norwich I was told I should be on the 17.21 from Peterborough which means I should have been on the 15.00 bus! A complete balls up!!!

As I had missed the last direct train to Manchester I am now en route to Leeds where I will need to get a train to Manchester oh and the best part, (note the hint of sarcasm) , is that I'll have to pay AGAIN for the journey a it's a different route and I am also having to stand for the trip! Joy!!

All in all though it's not put a dampener on the weekend. I have enjoyed spending it with friends and family. The last time I visited Norfolk was with Steve in February and before that in August 2010 just a week before our brain tumour journey began. I hope nothing happens a week after this trip.

Well thats about it for now, I'll probably tell you tomorrow what time I eventually get home....

Bye for now
M x

Sent from my iPhone

Surprise!

2011-11-23T22:48:00.000Z

No matter how well I think I am doing my grief often takes me by surprise. Be that a glimpse of something Steve would love, a slight hint of a fragrance Steve wore or a snippet of a song he sang along to, they are all bitter reminders.

I miss him more with each passing hour and every day I learn of more reasons I miss him. Today I miss his knowledge of Manchester. Although not a Mancunian he knew his way around the city. Today I had a business meeting and had to rely on my trusty iPhone to direct me instead of Steve.

As I stepped off the tram in St Peters Square the Midland Hotel caught my attention. It has been bedecked with Christmas lights. It reminded me immediately of a picture Steve took of the Midland with its lights on. His office was next door to it and for him their lights signalled the start of Christmas. There it was, another stab in the heart. I never thought I'd get emotional over some white lights on a hotel.

I know some people are growing tired of my grief, I am too. I don't plan these reminders, those I can prepare for, browsing a photo album or opening letters addressed to Steve are easy to deal with. It's the ones that creep up on you and take you by surprise that are hardest to deal with.

I want to be happy, I want to laugh and for the most part I manage that, at least on the outside. I don't mean I want to forget, I never will, the hole Steve left in my heart when he died cannot be filled but I know things will get easier. Eventually.

After this afternoons event I spent some time chatting with a friend. It was great to chat, we do t get to meet up very often but it's always good to chat to her.

I've had a busy evening again tonight though. Some friends called around so, after they left I had a few things to sort and then changed the bed linen as I had hoped to yesterday. It's now almost 11pm and its me time. Again the evening has flown by and I still have so much to do before the weekend.

Maybe one day I will write about how I have relaxed for the whole day and done nothing. Maybe, but I don't see it being any time soon!

Well it's bedtime for me now, goodnight. Sending love to you all and particularly anyone suffering a loss, I know being a Gay Widower is a lonely place.

xxMxx

Sent from my iPhone

Tea.

2011-11-22T22:59:00.001Z

Yes it's an odd one isn't it. Lately, I'd say over the past 4 or 5 weeks or so I have been drinking a lot more Tea, (I have been drinking a lot more wine too but that's another story). Right now though I have a large mug of tea at hand.

I've taken to making myself a cuppa before bed and taking it with me to bed. by the time I settle it's at just the right temperature. This may not seem odd for anyone else but it does for me and it brings back memories too. Happy memories.

As you know Steve and I worked most weekends in addition to our day jobs as cabaret artiste's, Drag Queens to be precise.

Many weekends we'd not return home until after 3am sometimes it would be approaching 6am depending how far away the gig was. It started as a joke between us when people said, "Oooh I bet you can't wait to finish work so you can go and party too..." we would always say how we were looking forward to finishing, going home and having a nice cup of tea and a slice of toast before bed.

It sort of became a ritual for us. We'd go to our dressing room and take our costumes / makeup or both off then I'd get in to the shower whilst Steve filled the kettle, fetched our bathrobes and got the cups ready etc. by the time he had done that, (and fed the cats usually), then I'd be out of the shower. As I dried myself he'd be undressing and getting in the shower so, by the time I had got in to my robe and finished making the tea and toast Steve would be out of the shower too and ready to sit down with me for a well earned cuppa!

We'd spend a while sitting and chatting and reflecting on the night. Critiquing our own performances or bitching about whoever or whatever had annoyed us that night or sharing the laughs we'd had through the night.

I miss that. I miss the performing too but with Steve it was all so easy. We worked well as a couple on and off stage. We formed a real partnership and I could always rely on him to be there for me, being supportive, helping and contributing in all ways. From helping prep food for dinner through to helping change the duvet or even the more mundane things like helping tidy up, choose presents or any other jobs that may need doing at any time. I have to do those alone now. I am realising more and more I cannot achieve on my own what Steve and I would achieve together.

Tonight I haven't stopped. Sitting to write this is the first rest I have had. I needed to sort through my bureau and sort through another cupboard this evening so, as soon as I got in I started packing up my craft stuff and sorting through a huge pile of paperwork.

It's both therapeutic and difficult. Obviously there is still a lot of Steve's stuff in there so I have had to sort that too. Some stuff to go to his memory box, some stuff to go with all the documents or papers I have generated or needed or had to deal with since his death and of course some things which just needed to be destroyed.

I wanted to do so much more with my evening tonight, I wanted to catch up with a friend and hear all about her new car and also speak to another whose call I missed yesterday plus a whole list of other things too but as usual I didn't get through everything on my list.

I'm tired now and have a long day ahead tomorrow so my bed is calling me, (which reminds me I wanted to put fresh linen on the bed tonight too). Oh dear... Perhaps I will do it tomorrow... time permitting.

Till then, goodnight,

Mark x

Significantly different

2011-11-21T22:19:00.001Z

That’s how things are right now. It’s been quite a week since I wrote last. A long and difficult week. I would say it’s possibly been one of the most difficult weeks of recent months and I don’t understand why. I’ve had a few worries, not much more than usual though.

It hasn’t been a particularly busy week, I have kept busy but under my own initiative in the main not under the direction or request of others. I am starting to become aware though of this building stress within me, I am not sure if keeping busy is helping distract me from the thing that’s bothering me or if it’s adding to it. I appreciate being busy though as I can absorb myself in the task at hand instead of sitting and reflecting, perhaps that’s what’s making the blog difficult, having to reflect, all be it for a short time. I am forcing myself to think about things. I still recognise it’s helpful though to me and to others too and re-reading Stephen’s blog of this time last year reminds me of that.

Reading Steve’s blog of November 21st Last year I came across the following paragraph:

I have thought about Mark and what he will do when am not here - we often

laugh that it will be me getting phone calls from the police station saying

that they have picked him up in Tesco shoplifting etc wearing a big Floppy

Hay at the age of 70 - that's our plan you see - he goes slightly erratic

and I go sort him out when were older. Obviously this plan has now changed a

little bit, and I'm doing erratic and odd things and he sorts me out.

It got to me. Yes, I used to enjoy being slightly eccentric, adopting a fun a jovial outlook on life and trivialising things to make them more palatable. All of that has gone. I recognise that person but I have not seen him for a long time.

Back to the present. On Friday, after a trip to Liverpool with a friend I called in to The Trafford Centre to have a wander through the shops, More than anything it was just time out, wandering around aimlessly I wandered from one end to the other. I got to John Lewis and as I walked through the homewares department I saw a cushion on a bed in a display. It was very simple, Grey and Red and had a ‘patch’ embroidered on it which said “You & Me”. It was lovely. I approached the display to take a closer look and then it hit me. There is no “You” in my bed, there is just a “Me”. I fought back the tears, just as I am trying to do now.

Such a beautiful gift and nobody to share it with. As I walked the very long walk to where my car was parked I seemed to pass an endless number of couples, Gay couples, Lesbian couples, some clearly mature relationships and some clearly new but seeing each one gave me a punch in the gut, making me remember loud and clear what I have lost. I know our family and friends have lost too but life for them is as normal. I am the one waking up alone every morning and getting in to a cold and empty bed at night, as I know many others do but every morning I wake alone serves to remind me and, every night I slip in to a cold bed does the same.

Friday was difficult

On Saturday I spent the whole day busying myself. I started wrapping Christmas presents. On finishing the first the person for whom the gift was intended sent me a SMS message. As I completed wrapping the second the recipients arrived at the door. It was an odd coincidence and I can’t help but think Steve had some sort of influence there. The third, fourth and so on did not generate any SMS or visits etc, perhaps for the best and I continued to busy myself being creative and wrapping presents.

On Sunday I did the same again, more wrapping and more creativity. Some gifts have been parcelled up to be sent abroad, they will go to the post office this week.

Well today has seen the start of a new week. I have a busy week this week at work but a few things to look forward to throughout the week. Most importantly though I’m looking forward to the weekend. Time is whizzing by lately. Christmas is looming, beyond that there’s New Year. That’s a whole other blog entry so for now..... Goodnight and thank you for being so patient.

Time flies.....

2011-11-14T22:56:00.001Z

It's been a few days. Not bad for me eh. It's just struck me tonight that my Grandfather died 25 years ago. I can't say I remember him like it was yesterday but I do have clear memories of him. I miss him too, I remember his funny ways, family members reading will know what I mean. I got on to that train of thought by thinking about my Nan who had to deal with Christmas just 6 weeks after her husband died, I have it looming just 6 months after Steve died and it is daunting to say the least. Part of me is excited about Christmas but part of me is dreading it. I want to be busy cooking on Christmas day but also want to be able to stay in bed hiding from the world all day if I want to. I don't know how I will manage with it yet.Today has been an ok sort of day. Work was horrible, after a team meeting this morning my manager commented how quiet I was about the newest announcement. I explained it by stating how my priorities in life have changed. Some things are not important to me any more and after over two years of trying to get my point across I have given up I guess. That I guess is because of the new life lessons I learned after Steve died.I did receive a call at work today though from an agent who used to book Steve and I on a regular basis. Steve would talk to him a few times a week about bookings even after his diagnosis Steve used to book acts for him. Basically he was asking if I would be going back on stage. He said a lot of complimentary things which was nice and to hear his refer to Steve and I in such pleasant terms was nice, not least because in a way it is nice to know Steve is still missed and that the "show is circle" is feeling our loss too. Maybe it's wrong of me but it is comforting to know my loss is shared with others too outside of the family circle.Not a lot of other news to share. I called to visit friends tonight, as usual one half of the couple was at work. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Steve and I learned that lesson the hard way. You're a long time dead and do you want to be remembered for all the missed opportunities and lonely nights waiting for work to end or for the way in which, despite a demanding job, you managed to make time for friends' family and loved ones?I'm a fine one to talk, I saw some friends on Sunday I have not seen for a very long time. I have been bad at staying in touch with friends for a long while but, I keep referring back to the saying:- Friends are like stars, you don't have to see them to know they are there.With that in mind I am going to bed, take a look / have a listen, this is the song for where I am "at" right now. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsYJKWHastc&feature=youtube_gdata_playerNite nite readers, xxxMxxx

Sew busy...

2011-11-12T23:19:00.001Z

Well that's my blog summed up in two words.

Yesterday, well apart from a busy day at work I spent the evening, (or a large part of it) on the phone to a few friends and knitting.... I have got a little further but LOADS to do.

This morning I got up at around 9am and sorted a little washing etc. I received a call from someone re Steve's estate, that sort of put me on a back foot this morning as I didn't expect to have to explain (again) to someone why Steve is not responding to email etc. The blunt, "He's Dead" approach seems to get the point across quite succinctly. It hurts. I miss him. I more than miss him but I don't know what word describes how much I miss him...

Anyway, after that I got dressed and then started sorting my stuff out for a day of crafty shizzle. I started around 10.30 this morning and didn't stop meddling until around 10.30 this evening! I got quite a bit done but I can't post a pic as they are mainly gifts... =( but, hopefully there will be a few happy people when Christmas arrives in 42 days time!!!

I am not sure what I will do tomorrow, I had planned, (in my mind), to go and see some friends today but I didn't get to as I got absorbed with stitching. I am quite eager to do some more stitching tomorrow but it will depend on what time I get up and I would still like to see friends but I really need to get the Chrimbo shizzle sorted..... hmmm lets wait and see what the morning brings.

Well it's bedtime here so I will catch y'all soon.

xxx M xxx

Me Me Me, Busy Busy Busy and Chrimbo is coming...

2011-11-10T22:41:00.001Z

Phew, I can't believe it's been a week but at the same time I have done SOOO much i can't believe it is only a week.

Firstly and most importantly, I have re-read Steve's blog from this week last year, it's made me smile, just hearing his voice in his blog really is comforting. It wasn't a great time for him but theres no self pity. Amazing really. Despite his terminal diagnosis he never whinged. Thats something the "friend" who has been trying to cause me stress this week would do well to remember. A few people know to whom I am referring and those that don't really don't need to worry. Just join me in smiling when you think of how Stephen never stopped smiling and never lost his sense of humour.

Since last week I have been SO busy. It's good I guess. On Friday a friend came to visit, it was great to see him. He seems quite well although I was a little concerned for him healthwise but I'm sure he is adult enough to take care of himself. We didn't get to chat for long but hopefully we can meet up for dinner or coffee soon. We have never been "high maintenance" friends, we just catch up as and when we can and it's great. He was also my "wingman" after Steve died whilst I arranged the funeral etc, in part my level head. Something Steve had always been. I will always be grateful for that.

On Saturday I was up early, I went for a walk along the canal for a few hours with the camera and really enjoyed the fresh air,the photos and seeing how different life is on the canal on a Saturday morning, SO much different to being in the city centre. It was real ME time and I enjoyed it.

Afterwards I did some shopping then ended up in for the evening with friends andthe X Factor. Whilst watching, chatting and drinking wine I also spent time being creative and making bracelets

On Sunday I spent the morning busy online then late morning and early afternoon busy cooking. I made some beautiful carrot soup with roast peppers and onions, it was lovely. I also busied myself making a roast dinner too. All very nice even if I do say so myself. In the afternoon I popped in to Manchester to collect another friend from the train station who was staying for a few days, strangely i managed to get lost near the train station.... I was avoiding parking charges by driving around the block but took a few wrong turnings. It turned out OK in the end though.

On Monday T and I had to go to Liverpool and that turned out good too. We also called in to lay flowers at the grave of another member of our Brain Tumour community. It was sad. I felt Steve with us a lot on Monday, on the way to Liverpool the John Miles song, "Music was my first love" came on the radio. It was a song played at Steves funeral. On the way to the cemetary the Take That song "eight letters" came on the radio, the song mentions, eight letters, three words, one meaning..... Steve and I always used to say 831 and the response was always 8312.... think about it, eight letters, three words one meaning.... I LOVE YOU. The first time I heard the song it took me by surprise and made me tearful, not so much now but it does make me mindful of him. Our 831 came long before the Take That song.

On Tuesday I got up at a reasonable time and decided to fit the "shiny bits" I have bought for my car. Stainless steel grilles for the lower openings in the front bumper, a stainless steel 'rotary accent' for the front of the car, chromed side vents, fender strakes and colour coded repeater lights for the side of the car. Quite a list really.

It meant I had to remove the front bumper of the car, lots of nuts and bolts etc. Ihere was much concern from my facebook family. A gay doing mechanical type stuff. A drag queen getting their hands dirty? Yep, I really didn't conform to type.

The bumper had to be removed along with fog lights etc

there were quite a few bits to add and remove and lots of screws to remember the location of

but with grilles, and accent added I replaced the bumper

and added chrome vents and coded fender strakes to the wing.

I guess now I should "fess up" that I am actually a time served mechanical engineer. A four year apprenticeship with the ministry of defence and time spent "in industry" come in handy occasionally. Not the sort of background you expect for a gay and certainly not for a drag queen.

So, if we add in the other things I have worked on this week..... last night I decided to "trim" the heart decorations I have ready for my christmas tree this year. You will recall I have stuck toa hearts theme but am adding in some tartan. this was last nights activity. I've done about 3 dozen so far and have almost as many more to do.

I am enjoying being creative, both for my own Christmas and for others. Last year Steve and I decided to make some handmade christmas gifts, some were lucky enough to get them. Early this year Steve decided he wanted to make gifts again this year, not all gifts but just some and really so that the gifts were truly personal, created and given with that specific person in mind. I am of course planning on fulfilling his wishes but, with just me on the production line the pressure is on to meet the deadline. Pah, sleep is for losers anyway!

On top of all that some of you may recall Steve and I visited some friends in Norfolk in February this year. Whilst there Steve bought some wool he liked. He had seen some sweaters he liked and, instead of him buying one, his Mum said she'd like to knit one for him, he just needed to provided the wool and pattern. It's surprising how costly it is to go retro and home made but he liked the idea of having something unique.

Long story short, as you guessed, he didn't get his sweater, (who needs a sweater in the summer? Remember he passed in June). Now I am on a mission to make sure the wool he chose is being put to good use. With my plan to fulfil his dream and go and live aboard a narrowboat I anticipate the evenings can or will be chilly. The wool will be used to knit a throw for the sofa or bed when I am on the boat. There's no better time to start than the present so, afteran hour of knitting, tonight I can say I have made a start.

So, if I re-cap on the "crafty projects" I have ongoing at the moment I have, sewing, knitting, jewellery making, photography, customising chrimbo decs, re-upholstering chairs, upcycling my favourite items of Steve's clothing, website creation & development and "pimping my ride" to name but a few which add on to the usual things we do such as working, cooking, eating, shopping, socialising, reading, relaxing oh and occasionally sleeping and visiting family and friends.

I don't like to think of myself as a "jack of all trades" as I don't like the second line of that saying but I do like to think of myself as living life to the fullest because I really think I would struggle to fit much more in to my life. I hope Steve is pleased, he inspires me to continue despite any other issues I may have to deal with emotianally, physically or mentally. I now feel I have two lives to live. His and mine. I miss him dearly but thinking of him and having those little reminders of him at the most unexpected times really do lift my spirits and make me smile.

Thanks you Steve and thanks to you too for reading xxx

Mark xxx

Breast and testicles are all over the place

2011-11-03T23:59:00.000Z

It made me smile, it was a comment in Steve's post on this day last year, click here but he is right and nothing has changed. The figure equates to less than 1%, if you want more info drop me a line or contact BT Buddies.

Last night as I said I went to bed early and as usual didn't sleep, I watched a film instead, P.S. I Love You which I had downloaded to my iPad. Well, I managed to get to 13 minutes before the tears came. they stayed till the end. I almost flooded my bed! I am not best placed to say whether it was a good, bad or indifferent film but it touched me. that's all I will say. If you have seen it you will understand,if not then reading the synopsis will probably explain.

Odd as it may seem I felt better for having my meltdown. I still miss Steve so much and sometimes I just want to be able to grieve for him not cover up my feelings to spare those of others. If one of my tears was enough to bring Steve back for just one second then I know last night alone would have seen him back for a hundred years or more.

Today has been an OK day. Work was brief this morning as I had a Doctors appointment. Nothing too sinister, (for now) just problems with my hands, a course of anti inflammatory though should help and if not I am to go back. On the plus side it seemed to be nothing major which warrants further investigation or tests... yet.

After that it was back to work. Another tough day, it's difficult to stay upbeat about it. I got a lot done though and managed to clear a lot of mail from my inbox so I was pleased with that as I am out of the office after tomorrow until Thursday next week.

Tonight I logged on to the PC as soon as I got in, I had a few things to sort but before I knew it I had a few phone calls with friends catching up, emails, text and facebook messages. All good stuff. I have a few calls to return though, messages on my phone from a few days ago have not been returned yet, I know I am failing miserably in the "keep in touch" department but I don't seem to have a minute lately but tonight, although busy, has been good and I have enjoyed it. I realise soon I need to start making a move to get out more and socialise. Soon though, not now.

Watching that film last night has reminded me of the need to get out and see people or just have people around. I do want that but sometimes I am just not very good company. I saw this a few days ago and I think it's spot on...

I have no idea why it is on it's side, I have amended it to be the right way up but it clearly didn't work so it's tilt your head time... sorry.

Another I saw which I also thought was spot on is this:

Again, it struck a chord with me. On a closing note though all I have to say is thanks again to all my friends for being there, your texts, messages, emails and cards etc which are still arriving are very much appreciated and if you are waiting a call or a visit from me please keep being as patient as you have, I have not forgot but I there is only one of me now to do all the keeping in touch we both used to do. I have not forgotten you and I know you're all out there.

xxx Love to you all xxx

M x

Love to you all

The benefit of hindsight....

2011-11-02T09:15:00.000Z

It's great isn't it? Unlike this blogging site as I have written this post once and it's disappeared into the ether without trace.... Doh!

Anyway, on reading Steves blog from this day last year, <a href="http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/11/holiday.html">click here</a> I wondered what Steve would do?

This day last year we took our friends to the airport to set off for their holiday in India for 2 weeks. Steve and I were supposed to go on the same flight but we were going for 3 weeks and had worked long hours and had looked forward to three weeks of rest and relaxation. The choice was simple, go on holiday and not receive the necessary treatment or stay, continue with chemo and radiotherapy and hope for the best.

We stayed. I don't regret that but as I said, I wonder what Steve's view would be? Especially since just over 7 months later he died anyway.

Looking at this week last year in the blog has been interesting for me. Happy memories of a Jamaican feast with friends and of the photo shoot Steve wanted to have before he started to 'look' I'll. We had pics done with both sets of parents and together. They are now some of the most cherished pictures I have. After the shoot we took our parents for a nice meal. Steve was brilliant that night, he tired but still stayed smiley as he wanted the olds to have a nice time.

A friend pointed something out to me recently on seeing a picture of Steve and I at my Sisters wedding and a picture of us from the photo shoot. The comment basically reflected that in the wedding pic of a few years ago there is visible and genuine happiness in our faces but the pics from last October whilst smiley do not show happiness. I understand. The October pics show love and compassion but are still of their time and I can see the hidden emotions too.

That's it now though, the melancholy has hit so it is time for bed. I know it is early but I need some me time, I haven't had much lately, in fact none. It's been a tough few days, work is pulling me down too. That and a suicidal "friend" expecting sympathy as they've taken an overdose and is in hospital. Steve didn't get a choice on living or dying and I would have given anything for him to be here, absolutely anything. It pisses me off to hear of someone wanting to throw their life away. I know there are issues but right now I can't help with them, not whilst I am dealing with my own grief. I doubt I will hear from the "friend" again as I shared that opinion in response to the message I had telling me about being in hospital.

I'm off to bed, goodnight xxxx M xxxx

Sent from my iPad

Second Attempt...

2011-10-25T21:20:00.000+01:00

Here goes with another attempt at trying to update my blog from last week, after my short blog last night I am sure you can see my frustration with technology.

Anyway, after I wrote my blog on our anniversary I went to bed, there I cried myself to sleep, I seemed to be crying for hours. I felt alone and lonely, sad the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with has gone. When we said “till death us do part” I had never realised it would come so soon after.

Saturday 15th was pretty uneventful. On Sunday 16th I was supposed to be going out with a friend, a little like the Three Kings he travelled from afar but not with Gold Frankincense and Myrrh but with White wine, Red wine and Mirth. Also, more like a Queen than a King but you get my drift. We were supposed to go and see another friend’s drag show early evening. I was fine in the morning and early afternoon but then it descended on me, like a cloud of gloom, a melancholy mood which I couldn’t shrug so, not wanting to spoil other peoples fun I decided not to go and to go for a drive instead. If I am honest the drive didn’t help but it meant I was alone and not upsetting anyone else with my miserable mug.

Monday was pretty uneventful from what I remember, just work and home as usual but, on Tuesday J arrived, I cooked and we ended up sat till the wee small hours over a few bottles of wine chatting about all sorts, mainly Steve I guess but, my friend doesn’t seem to mind, he understands as he too has lost a loved one tragically way too soon.

On Wednesday it was work as usual during the day but in the evening we hit the town, well, sort of. I got home from work, freshened up and changed as did J, we then headed in to Manchester for dinner before heading off to see Peter Kay and his Tour That Didn’t Tour Show, it was fab, a real laugh and a much needed tonic. Another friend had been bought tickets and was unable to go so they kindly asked if I’d like to go, I said yes and then decided to ask my friend to come too. It was a real giggle. If I am honest I sometimes don’t get the Peter Kay brand of humour which seems to be shout louder and repeat several times but, on Wednesday I did, he was VERY funny and we both enjoyed a good old laugh. I would like to say my laughter wasn’t tempered by thoughts of Steve but it was, I missed him a lot and we spoke of him too during the interval, Steve would however have been pleased to see us out and about. It was an unexpected but very much appreciated night out and as I have already said, a real tonic.

On Thursday we had a viewing on the house so I had to come home from work early to do the show around, she seemed interested but we have heard nothing yet so will take that she has seen somewhere else preferable. Thursday and Friday were quiet apart from that. On Friday I met with a Friend and we headed out for some retail therapy and a chat, it was nice to have a wander about. On Saturday it was much the same, I met with an old friend, we spent the whole day shopping and chatting, our coffee breaks seemed to go on forever as we sat and chatted. Even though we have not seen each other for a long while it was like we saw each other last week, we had a lovely time and again, it was a real tonic to catch up with her.

Last week I also booked tickets to go on the train to see my Sister, her hubby and some friends in November. The train journey is 5 hours but the drive would be the same, the train is cheaper though and it means I can relax on the journey and arrive fresher than if I had driven. It will be nice to see my sister again as I have not seen here since Steve’s funeral, similarly the friends I will see there too, I’ve not seen them since Steve’s funeral. I am really looking forward to it and, I will be stashing a bottle of Gin in my suitcase when I go as I think a few bevies are in order. I didn’t get to see much of them around the time of the funeral so now, five months on, I think it is about time we raised a glass or several to Stephen, to friends and to the future and whatever it may hold.

Sunday was a good day, I spent it being creative and crafty, it was nice to have some me time which was also creative time.

Yesterday was work as usual and Today I left work and headed in to town to the shops, there was something I wanted but alas, the shop is no longer stocking the item, perhaps I will revert to Amazon. Oh, that’s the other thing too, lots of people have already asked me what I want for Christmas. I can’t comment on their planning as I am also well prepared for Christmas. Instead of saying “I don’t know” I have tried to start a “Wish List” on Amazon, just search my name on Amazon and it should be there somewhere, I don’t quite know how it works but I am told it does. As my birthday comes before xmas though I have already said I want to be boring and have cash for that as there is a modification I want done to the car which the money will come in very useful for and it will be the “finishing touch” to the changes I have made so far.

Well, I think I have covered everything now, before I go though I do just want to say a huge thank you to all my friends and family for all their support. Some of you have been supportive without knowing it and others by not doing much other than just being there of making their presence felt. I really do appreciate and thank all our friends, I’d like to think they know who they are.

Friends are like stars.....

You don’t have to see them to know they are there.

Love to you all,

M x

Bugger!

2011-10-24T22:53:00.001+01:00

Doh! I had been writing my blog to catch up but, received a "whats app" message from a friend in hospital so have prioritised that and have managed to lose my message... Grr! that will teach me for leaving it so long and trying to update many days at once. You know who you are friend.... and I know you read too so it's your fault there is not a lot to read... sort of.

Well I am going to sign off for tonight and will try again tomorrow, I hope my friend is better (ie out of hospital) soon.

xXx M xXx

Second blog of the day. Happy Anniversary ? ? ?

2011-10-14T23:38:00.000+01:00

Yes, this is a second blog because to add it on to my previous one just would not do it justice.

You may have guessed from the title today is anniversary. Not a happy anniversary but memories of happier times with the one person I have loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.

I hope wherever you are Stephen that you are at peace, free from pain and worry and illness. I love you more and more with each passing hour, the pain cuts deeper and my heart feels heavier with each passing day. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, you made every day with you a happy one, even when we disagreed you still managed to make me smile and I have never been able to be annoyed at you for long, your smile, your cheeky look, your sparkly eyes and your tender touch could make any troubles disappear, I wish you were here to do that now.

On this day in 2006 we became one, joined in the eyes of the law, of our family and of our friends. You said it was the happiest day of your life, a life cut short but a life which touched so many. I've lit some candles for you and us tonight. Not a romantic night in but I know you loved our candlelit nights in.

You've not been far from my thoughts since you passed, this week has been tough and today especially so. I keep smiling though, I don't want to but I know many find my feelings, thoughts and emotions too much to deal with, for them I smile, I spare them the discomfort and hide it from the world, not just today but every day for many weeks now.

It has been nice to come home today, back to our home. I know we had planned to go away this weekend, just escape, the two of us, similar to how we did last year. I remember this weekend last year, getting away to the countryside, no phone signal, an open log fire and plenty of time to talk. Those are happy memories, not a great time because we already had a hint of what may be, but, you smiled and stayed positive and never gave up. You loved the simple things, a walk in the bracing winds, dodging the puddles or wiping the rain from your glasses, the weather never dampened your spirits or your zest for life and I try to keep that in mind to stay happy for you.

I saw this pebble a while ago, thought of you and bought it but it has heightened meaning and sentiment today. I have also been very thoughtful this week about hope. you never gave up hope, it stayed with you and with us to the very end. I am learning to hope again. Hoping for a brighter future, hoping I can learn to live with this pain and hoping that wherever you are you are safe and at peace.
I have noticed this week that Hope is your legacy to me, it is the one thing you have shown me and taught me which will always be with me, no matter how little money I have, how dark the days are or how long the nights are, it will always be there. I saw this "token" on my first day in Cardiff and bought it, I am seeing the hope around me. Hopes for life, for a future and for a new beginning and for that I thank you.

I have re read you blog (click here) tonight from this day last year. I was so proud of you then and still am. The sign is still in the house in the same place you decided to put it where it would cheer you up every morning and give you a spark to light the fire that kept you driving forward. I know I will "get there" eventually, in the meantime though I am continuing your blog. You are still an inspiration to many and even within the last few weeks I have had feedback from people who have found your journey an inspiration and comfort to them, in particular your approach to your treatment.

Once again Happy Anniversary Stephen, thank you for the good times, you will be in my heart forever.

Till we meet again, 831 Pud xxx (Click here)

First blog of the day, another coming later

2011-10-14T12:00:00.000+01:00

I thought it best to update on the week before I move on to today. My motivation will become clear once the second post is uploaded later.

After a few drinks on Tuesday night I decided on Wednesday to go for a wander to Cardiff Bay and take the camera as there's some interesting sights there. I set off relatively early and caught the train to the bay. I wandered around for a while with the camer, time seemed to whizz past. At lunchtime I decided to call in to a pub I used to go to years ago when I worked in Cardiff Bay, The Eli Jenkins. Well what a mistake that was. In the 10 minutes I was there I was ignored by BOTH the bar staff but the final straw was a comment directed at me, (as I had been viewing the menu and was waiting to buy a drink and order food), where the barmaid shouted across the bar to her colleague "well I ain't doing food till twelve!", I looked at my watch, it was 11.59. The pub had been open from 10.00am so it's not like I was the only person in there as a few groups were already sat at tables chatting etc. Needless to say I turned and left. I also submitted a complaint online to the brewery later the same day, atrocious service and appalling attitude would be my complaint in summary.

Later the gays collected me and we drove up to the Pumping Station, an antiques centre with all sorts of curiosities. Steve loved it there too because it was so random. After that we hades out the the coast, a trip to Porthcawl. It was shut. Was looked around the town centre and the most interesting thing has to have been the street art, it was grey and damp.

After that we returned to Cardiff and to the hotel. I ended up opting out of dinner in the evening as my feet were sore from walking so much and my shoes had rubbed my feet too. I popped out to a takeaway for food and also to the off licence for a bottle of wine and then headed back to the hotel. It was nice to chill. Later though the gays arrived back with two more bottles of wine and chocolate. We sat and chatted for a while, they were quite merry and ended up with hangovers on Thursday morning.

Thursday I got up and headed out to the park. I walked for hours around the park, stopping briefly to take pictures of squirrels, it was interesting seeing them playing and chasing each other. They were not tame enough to come very close but they didn't run and hide.Time flew past and before I knew it it was 3pm so I headed back to the hotel to drop off my camera then headed out for food. I bumped in to the gays who had also had a relaxing day doing very little. We agreed to meet later for a beer so, by 5pm we were sat comfortably on the roof terrace of one of Cardiff's gay bars, it was happy hour, it was happy hour until 9pm so we stayed there to make the most of the happiness. From there we called in to Dorothy's chippy, (Steve and I visited Dorothy's once every time we came to Wales). From there we went on to another of Cardiff's gay bars and had a few more drinks before heading back to the hotel just after midnight. The gays needed their beauty sleep and had to get up early this morning to go and queue for their new iPhone 4S. After bagging their phones they joined me for breakfast and now we're zooming back up the motorway to home. I think they are both excited about getting their new phones set up.Well I will write another blog later today Xxx Mark xxX

The expedition continues

2011-10-11T23:15:00.001+01:00

Here I am again with another early blog. Yep, I got up early this morning and trundled off to the train station. I decided to make a trip on the train back to where I used to live. It was an odd feeling.

That's not bad considering I was up until late last night. I left the restaurant after dinner, (I opted for Italian in the end) and headed off to the oldest gay bar in Cardiff, The Golden Cross. I wouldn't have usually but I wasn't ready for bed so a few vodkas and then I set off for the hotel and bed.

This morning I got off the train at Hengoed and then walked down to Ystrad Mynach where I stopped for breakfast and a coffee. From there I got back on the train to Caerphilly.

There I decided to get some flowers and visit my grandparents. My grandfather died in 1986 and my grandmother in 1993 so there wasn't a lot of conversation but I felt I needed to go.

It was tough being there but, crying at the graveside for relatives that died 18 and 25 years ago was therapeutic I think. I certainly do feel better for it and I suppose I am hoping they are looking after Steve for me and the flowers are a small thank you. It would also have been my Grandmothers 78th birthday on Friday, the same day as Steve and I would have celebrated being married for 5 years. Isn't it funny how life gets in the way of plans.

From there u wandered around Caerphilly, hoping for a break in the weather so I could get the camera out. It didn't come. I headed back to Cardiff.

It was still raining so I went to the museum, I can't remember the last time I went but it was interesting.

After that I headed back to the hotel for a rest but after a short nap and a brew I went for a walk around the castle park. It was lovely and nice to see the autumnal colours, I love the reds, oranges and browns of the leaves at this time of year. I took a few pictures and will add them here when I get home as iProducts don't support photo uploads to blogger.

Tonight I have been to the bay for dinner with the gays, we had a wander round and are now visiting drinking establishments frequented by homosexual brethren, till tomorrow xxx M xxx

Sent from my iPhone

Difficult

2011-10-10T21:18:00.001+01:00

That's what I have decided it is. There are so many on offer, some warm and friendly some not so. Some over grand and some so plain you'd feel like just the next on a long conveyor belt. Then there is the choice as to which nationality you go for. English seems unimaginative, Italian too predictable, Indian or Chinese perhaps not socially acceptable and then there are so many other Europeans on offer too.What am I talking about? Restaurants of course and, over and above that, dining alone. Tonight I have found myself walking around looking for the place that was just busy enough. I don't want empty, I simply do not need the attention but, the same can be said for a busy place, I don't want to be the only single diner in the place, an obvious "Single" I just wanted somewhere with people around where I could sit. I have my iPad and my blog for company so yes, that's why you are getting two updates in one day.I know I am not the first person to dine alone and won't be the last but it is the first time I have been conscious of having to dine alone. Conscious of being a widower and conscious of how much my life has had to change. No matter how much people say, "Stephen is always with you" I still do not have anyone to talk to across this dining table tonight.I am not sure what tomorrow will bring, I might get up early and go out with the camera. Who knows? After my 'wobble' earlier today I have felt more than a little thoughtful. When I got back to the hotel earlier I slept for a while hoping this cloud of grief would lift. It hasn't. hopefully the wine will help. Until next time, M x

Cardiff, some old some new

2011-10-10T13:44:00.001+01:00

Well, here I am sat in a bar in Cardiff, it's been a little bit of a surprise to say the least as Cardiff has changed so much since I was here last in 2009. We stopped off in Caerphilly yesterday on our way, it was mainly closed but it still seems odd to be somewhere which is so familiar but still so strange to me.After that my memory was well and truly tested as we tried to find an old favourite pub hidden well within the country lanes atop Caerphilly mountain. We found it in the end and had a lovely meal. The pub is a favourite as it is warm and cosy and has real open fires. Steve loved it there too when we visited last.When we got to Cardiff it was difficult to navigate around the roads as a few streets have been blocked or pedestrianised and others have become one way streets etc but we finally managed to park and check in.We trundled off to the local gay scene early evening. Again there were changes as some bars have shut, others opened but again, all seemed familiar yet not so. It was also odd hearing the accent, I struggled to understand a few people too which was odd.We were pleasantly surprised at how cheap some of the beer was though, just £1.50 for a vodka & coke too so we could have got wasted..... But didn't! We were greeted by some real hospitality just after we checked in the the hotel. We took the life to our floor and shared it with two women, both mid 30's I'd say but there was them and us 3 guys in the lift. Within the space of a minute or two, (however long it takes to travel a few floors), we had been offered sex! They were not "working girls" but were certainly high spirited. I of course declined, I think the others may have too but, I think one of them was secretly chuffed at being mistaken for a straight guy! It certainly made us smile.Today I have spent a lot of the morning browsing the shops and the Victorian Arcades which Cardiff is so famous for. Again some familiar some not so. I have just stopped for lunch and to sort something for 'T' and also to collect my thoughts.Just a few hours ago I was consumed by an overwhelming feeling of grief. I struggled to hold back the tears, not a great look when out shopping. I was looking at Christmas decorations, I have been for a few weeks now and have been fine but today the grief got me. I have decided this year the tree will be decorated with hearts and tartan. Hearts to represent love for Steve and tartan just because we both loved it, loved Scotland and it is traditional and cheery. There will be no star or angel on top, my star and angel is somewhere around me.Signing off for now xxx M xxx

A half week update

2011-10-09T12:20:00.001+01:00

You seem to be getting updates every few days now. I will eventually get back in to the swing of it I guess. Lets start with Thursday.Firstly the same day last year had been Steves first visit to Christies hospital. Here is his blog, click hereI remember the visit and I remember how nervous he was, I was too but I kept him calm. The hospital is quite pleasant really, not like a general hospital, it felt more friendly. Steve just accepted everything that was told to him but, on this visit we were also asked about "harvesting sperm" just in case Steve wanted children after his treatment. We explained that gays have still not evolved into child bearing creatures, the nurse giggled and, although we understood she was asking a serious question we politely told her that children had never been a consideration for us. Anyway, this Thursday as I said I went to see Top Hat with my Mum. It was a good show. Not the same as a musical but really good and Tom Chambers who was in Come Dancing played the male lead. Top Hat was filmed in 1935 and starred Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, a classic black and White film. Apart from anything else it was nice to go out with my Mum.Friday was an ok sort of day. Work was busy and stressful, I am conscious that my attention span is still less than it used to be and constant distractions from people in the office and others coming in and out of the office only distract me more so all in all it is annoying me. I guess I will get back to how I was eventually.On the same day last year Steve had been to have the first part of his mask made for his radiotherapy treatment. He was nervous about it as he was a little claustrophobic but I was there with him in the room which made him feel more relaxed and afterwards he said it hadn't been anywhere near as bad as he feared it might have been, see what he said click here http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/another-day-over.htmlFriday evening I popped to the shops, I needed to collect a gift I had order for my Sister for Christmas but when I got there it had not arrived. I called the order line to check on dispatch date and was told it had been delivered and signed for at my home address! There was me collecting from store and they had sent it to home. It was there when I got in. There's not a lot of stuff to buy now for Xmas which is good. I might start wrapping soon... Woo!I spent Friday evening curled up on the sofa with a bottle of wine. It was nice to chill but of course it's then that I miss having Steve around to snuggle up to.Saturday was a busy day. I got up and relaxed for a bit then went to do my ironing ready for my next gay road trip. As I'm travelling with friends and they have quite a small car I needed to pack smart and take as little as possible. I think I managed ok.In the afternoon I got showered and then went out to see another friend I have not seen for some time. It was good to catch up. He's due to move soon so he took me to see the new place too. It looks nice, it's a 1 bed flat but is a really good size and looks like it's in a nice quiet area. I'll see him again when I get back.On this day last year Steve had been to Christies for an MRI scan. I had a meeting I couldn't get out of with a friend about a bid she was submitting. I met Steve later in the day, I remember the feeling of relief seeing him after he had been out alone for the day. I would never have worried before but he had never had Cancer before. Here's his blog http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/today-has-been-good-day.htmlIt was tough for me to adjust to the realisation I couldn't wrap Steve in cotton wool and protect him. I am not sure he ever realised how tough it was to do but I did it. I hope he didn't notice how much i worried, if he did though he didn't let on. I vehemently defended his independence when others told him he can't or shouldn't and I know he did appreciate that. He wanted to live his life as normal as possible, that was truly inspirational to me and many others.Last night, after visiting my friend I popped to the supermarket and picked up a few bits before heading home. I made a delicious meal and supped a bottle of wine watching X Factor and meddling with my iPad. I trundled off to bed at a reasonable time, well, just before 1am. This morning I got up, packed my bag, bundled my eBay stuff ready to go tomorrow, got ready, had breakfast and waited to be collected. We set off around 10.30 for our big gay road trip to Wales.Steve and I booked this trip in February for us and two friends. It was a gift for them for birthday and wedding anniversary, we are staying in the centre of Cardiff for 5 nights and head home on Friday 14th. For Steve and I it was a chance to be tourists as well as for me to meet up with some old friends.The reason we wanted to head home on 14th was because it is our wedding anniversary. This year would have been our 5th. We were planning on booking in to a hotel nearer to home for 14th and 15th so we had some time out alone.... Instead I will just be alone.This is the last trip I need to make that Steve and I had planned together. The only other things I still have left to do that were planned with Steve is wrap and deliver the Christmas presents we had already bought. Steve never stopped looking forward and planning for our future, he and we lived every minute of his last nine months from diagnosis to death to the best we could.I have read Steve's blog again this morning from this day last year, t seems we had a lie in last year, not this year though, here's what he had to say about this day last year, http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/10/sleeping-in.htmlRight now I'm sat in the car typing this. I like not driving, it means I can make more use of my travel time! Hope to catch you soon,Mark x

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, Cry and you get wet...

2011-10-06T00:19:00.000+01:00

Firstly here is Steve's blog entry for this day lats year, (Click Here) Sorry if you don't want to see what he wrote last year but right now there are a lot of anniversaries and I think seeing how Steve was 12 months ago really puts things into context. Remember he was the one living with a death sentence, not me but, despite that he has given me (and may readers of his blog who messaged privately), inspiration and strength to carry on.

I am still reminded every day about the positive impact Steve has had on my life, I love him so much for that. He has shown me happiness I never imagined but he has also introduced me to friends I may never have known, to their love which I may never have felt and has helped me realise my own strength of character which I never knew existed.

Today has been an OK sort of day. I don't mention work much not because it is good, bad or indifferent but because they monitor and read my posts. I know how I feel about that and I am sure each person reading will have views too but this blog is not about them or where I work etc it is about me, for once it is all about me. Well, not really, Steve features greatly too.

On a personal note I have had a reasonable few days. I have made contact with some old friends, made some new ones and generally I feel I am slowly re-constructing a life around myself. I don't think a lottery win would make it happen sooner but the £100M Euromillions jackpot on Friday would be fab, there are so many charities I would help, I reckon I could "lose" half at least and not miss it.

Tomorrow night I may not get to blog, I am off to the theatre with Mother to see "Top Hat". I saw it advertised some time ago, I mentioned it to a friend and we said it would be nice to go but never got around to booking. Mother mentioned it last week so I managed to get tickets earlier this week. Feathers, Sequins, Tailcoats and Top Hats reminds me of Steve and I or, should I say, Enid and Bobbie....

Looking at this picture though has reminded me of another "Tailcoat and Top Hat" picture...

There aren't any better ones of the two of us in this garb but again seeing the corset reminded me of another occasion we wore the corsets

This was MANY years ago for a friend's 40th Birthday, the birthday "boy" is in the middle

There are SO many happy memories crammed in to the relatively short time we were together and each and every one makes me smile. Today, or rather, this evening, has made me smile a lot. Chatting to a friend this evening too has made me smile. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Steve is showing me the way, guiding me toward happier times. Thank you Steve, Thank you family, Thank you friends.

Goodnight for now xxxx Mark xxxx

The first day of the rest of his life...

2011-10-04T23:53:00.000+01:00

Thats what this day last year was for Steve, he was determined to live his life to the fullest and that commenced on October 4th. It was a good day for him, read his blog, (Click here)

The story that fits around this though highlights how happy he actually was on that day. For as long as I had known Steve he had never been able to find his birth certificate. He knew it was safe somewhere but he had no idea where, even though he had searched for it many times.

When I returned from work on 4th October 2010 Steve was VERY excited. "I've had a sign" he said. I had no idea what he was on about but he explained.

Whilst sorting through some papers, getting rid of the old stuff and making way for his new life he found his Birth Certificate. It had been missing for years and there it was, amongst some old papers. He waved his certicficate at me and was SO pleased. It really was the first day of the rest of his life.

He died just 9 months later. Someone pointed out to me around the time of the funeral that it takes 9 months for a child to be born from conception, (I did go to biology lessons but some people like to remind us of the obvious), perhaps the nine months from finding his certificate was significant of a new start and a new life in a better place. Who knows?

I know I am still missing him a huge amount, I manage to smile and function as a member of society and as a member of the workplace, functioning as a son, a brother, a friend and a colleague but, it is just that, functioning. I'm getting used to it though. I accept my life may never feel "whole" again.

I chatted tonight with a friend about someone we care about. In a similar situation to me but being judged for grasping at happiness and dating. It wasn't planned but, being judged for being human and acknowledging feelings is wrong. I might be in a similar position one day. I am not looking for anyone else but I also know fate will deliver whatever it has planned for me. I just hope in the meantime that Steve can influence the "chosen one". Either way I am sure there will be plenty said behind my back and less said to my face. Lets just see what happens eh.....

Goodnight for now xxx

Getting organised and trying to smile

2011-10-03T19:14:00.000+01:00

I guess I should update on last week firstly. On Thursday as you know if you read regularly it was 12 months to the day since Steve was given his diagnosis. It was a tough day but I was kept busy so it sort of distracted me. Work was very busy and at night I went to the comedy night I mentioned some weeks ago in my blog.

It’s an annual event and Steve and I had tickets for last year, Steve didn’t go in the end as the event was the night after his surgery but he had insisted I go. It was a good night both last year and this. This year I did end up spending part of it with tears rolling down my face, just little things which reminded me of Steve again. I guess there will be more things like that to trigger me off for a long time to come.

Friday was an OK day. Work wasn’t great but, in part, it is because I am really not “with it”, my mind is obviously on other things. After work I went home but then decided to go out to the shops as I needed to get a few things. I got home around 7ish and spent most of the evening sitting and talking to my parents. I was too tired to blog and again, not really with it. I didn’t even put my computer on.

On Saturday I got up and decided to clean the car. I spent a while polishing it and then vacuumed it and made a few adjustments by changing the interior bulbs from the standard white to blue. That in itself sounds like an easy job but it was fiddly and involved me spending quite some time trying to resolve an issue and resulted in me having to take the door apart and take the inner panel off but, I was satisfied with the end result so that’s OK.

In the afternoon a friend called around so, after I had a shower we headed out to Botany Bay, a local place which is a garden centre but also has some artisan stalls, gifts and accessories etc. I bought a few Christmas decorations, I know it is early but I am being organised. I’m not going mad with decs this year but I have to still “do” Christmas as Steve would have wanted it, he loved the way I do Christmas and I loved seeing him so excited.

Saturday night I ended up getting some food and wine and taking that round to a friends house. We sat and chatted for ages and allegedly supped 4 bottles of wine. I didn’t see the empties so because I am not a boozer I would insist we only shared 1 bottle…. I wonder how many people would believe me?

On Sunday I was late getting up. No hangover I was just tired as I got home after 2am and then had to make the bed as I had stripped it on Saturday morning so I was late getting to sleep.

I chilled at home yesterday morning and then headed out to the shops later in the afternoon. I did a little Christmas shopping, it was quite nice really to be out and about and I only ended up getting a few Christmas things as I don’t need anything for myself. I even bought a prezzie for a friends birthday later this year, I’ve just realised too my Sister’s birthday is before that so I should look for something for her too, another excuse to go shopping.

Last night I sat and looked through the things I have bought already, a lot of things that I bought with Steve too as he also liked to be organised. I just hope people like them. We try hard to get thoughtful gifts but sometimes I wonder if it would just be more appreciated if we bought the same old thoughtless tat that seems to fill the shops at Christmas.

Today I have been at work. It’s been a tough day really but I have managed to stay focussed. This time last year we were living with the aftermath of telling Steve’s parents and our wider circle of friends about Steve’s diagnosis. Steve’s blog entry for last year said “Today has become my hat day”. Because he knew he would lose his hair with Chemo and Radiotherapy he decided to buy hats as he would be bald in winter. Steve accumulated a few hats at this time but he mainly wore the same few.

He had planned that Monday 4th October would be the first day of the rest of his life, more about that tomorrow but for now I’m going to sign off.

Bye for now

On this day 12 months ago...

2011-09-30T00:03:00.000+01:00

It’s been a few days. Not all bad. Today I have felt a little numb. But, firstly to catch up on the saga of British Gas. Following my complaint submission I have still not received a response from them. Their policy states I will receive a reply within 24 hours, so far it’s three times that so tomorrow I shall be re-submitting my complaint and highlighting their inadequacies yet again.

On Tuesday evening after work I tried again to resolve my Internet and printing issues. I was really angry and highly stressed. MY Mum tried to help, she came up with all sorts of solutions, things I had thought of already but this also got me stressed, I just wanted to be able to fix it, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about it and certainly didn’t want to speak to some overseas call centre who would barely understand me and whom I would struggle to understand.

Eventually I relented and called Virgin. I was relieved to find that my call was dealt with by a nice Scottish man at a centre near Glasgow. He was wonderful and managed to get on to my computer remotely when I connected the Ethernet wire and sort the problem. Basically the technology employed within the workings of the hub was newer than the drivers installed on my laptops so, both laptops could see the hub but could not communicate with it. The guy managed to update those and assured me that once installed then they would be able to connect to the printer and my wireless printing problem would be resolved too.

After I got “connected” I had to go out and sort a few things. When I got back later and finally settled it was after 10pm so I was slightly hesitant about raising my stress levels again before bed by trying to connect my printer. The wonderful Scottish man was right, it connected no problem at all, I was back in the land of the connected and I felt better knowing the problem had not been my incompetence but a software problem which I couldn’t possibly know anything about unless advised.

Yesterday evening, (Wednesday) was an OK sort of day. Work was OK I guess but after work I had to sort out my eBay parcels and get them to the post office. After that I called around to see a friend. We chatted for a while and he gave me his view of where I am "at" at the moment.

It was interesting to listen to a different perspective, something which has obviously been discussed in other circles but not in a bad way. It was interesting to see how there is a perception that some things / people / circumstances etc are hampering my ability to "heal" and make positive moves to re-construct my life.

Some of the points raised were completely valid I felt and I agreed. I did state my reasons for allowing the circumstance / situation / issue to continue and although on one hand I know I could be selfish and only think of me but Stephens life touched so many and it is not only me dealing with his loss. Part of the points raised I felt were not relevant and I explained why and hopefully I made sense. It makes sense to me. Simply put, some things which seem to be negative are in fact positive some negatives I agree are negative but I have reasons for not addressing them right now so it's a case of taking a little rough with the smooth.

On the way home I called in to the shop and bought some wine, Odd but I am sure bottles are getting smaller, only 2½ glasses from one bottle..... Really though I was being piggish, it was a 750ml bottle, my glasses are just a little too big I suppose.

After that I decided not to open a second bottle and headed for bed. I was tired. Then it hit me. I can only explain it as "washing over me" much like someone throwing a bucket of water over me. I was consumed by grief and started to cry. No good reason, no trigger song or word or picture it was just there. I sobbed myself to sleep last night.

I suppose if I am honest I really do know the reason. Today, 29th September, is a year to the day that Steve was given 12 to 18 months to live. He managed 8½.... where is the fairness in that? To be told such news at just 31 years old.

That day was easily the worse day of my life up to then. That was surpassed a few days later as I had to break the news to Steve's parents that their little boy may not be alive in 12 months time. Steve's parents went away on holiday before his surgery and got back after his biopsy results it meant, in reality, that Steve had a few days to accustom himself to the news before breaking it to his parents. We dumbed down his diagnosis and treatment regime when his Mum called.

Steve later said that through that period and beyond I was his rock. I didn't feel it but I knew I had to be for him. I took up the role immediately without asking or being asked and it started just after the news was broken to Steve. He asked, "how long have I got?" To be told "I don't think now is an appropriate time or place to ask that question..." really annoyed me. You have just told a 31 year old man he has an aggressive and malignant brain tumour called Glioblastoma Multiforme growing in his head and then don't think he should ask about his future? I was probably more than a little patronising in my response, tinged with anger and upset as Steve's hand was in mine and he was gripping it with all his might and I just wanted to stop it all for him and for me or for someone to jump out of a cupboard and say that it was some sort of sick joke.

She told Steve. It was no joke. I don't know if being told you have between 365 and 547 days to live was more of less than we anticipated but that 10 minute walk back from the hospital to home seemed to take an hour or more. With my arms around Steve to support him and comfort him and both of us sobbing uncontrollably as we walked through a busy hospital, it's grounds, through the village and along our street we managed to get home where we sat and we cried in total disbelief.

We were unable to talk, but after some time Steve composed himself and carried on vacuuming the lounge which he had started before he left for the hospital. We told a few people. We were careful though as we didn't want Steve's parents to find out via Facebook or from another well meaning friend or relative.

A mixed response would probably best describe how people took the news. Much disbelief seemed to be the "theme" over the following days but with one notable exception, the text message that read, "Oh you might need a few days to get your head around that" was one such comment which felt more like a pat on the head that you would give a small child who has fallen and cut their knee. No prior or further message of support or even concern, just that. Hardly appropriate for a 31 year old man who has just been told he is living with a death sentence through no fault of his own and there is nothing he can do about it.

That's is why these past few days have been tough. I have replayed those days in my head hundreds of times in the last year, the past months and in recent weeks. It still doesn't feel real that I will never see him, feel him, hug him, smell him, touch him or kiss him ever again.

Here is a link to Steve's post on the afternoon he was due to collect his results, Click Here and then the first proper blog entry after his diagnosis Click Here

I will write more in the next few days but right now I am knackered. Today has been a long and busy day and this post is long enough....

Goodnight xxx
first blog entry after

PISSED OFF!!! Fuming!!! ANGRY!!!

2011-09-27T00:08:00.000+01:00

I am so Pissed Off right now I feel like smashing things and shouting and screaming and GRRRRRRRRRR!!! I could cry too....

Today has been a shit day. Work was OK but I called British Gas about my account at the other property I let out, (or used to let out it is currently vacant). the property has been empty since before Steve died so at least 4 or 5 months now.

They keep sending bills and I keep phoning to advise there is nobody living there so therefore there should be no bill due. Also, as the previous tenant left she obviously gave the contact details for the landlord as Steve or Mark, I am not sure whether it is her foreign accent or that of the person in the call centre but this has now meant the bill is in the name of Mr Steve Omark. I have tried on many occasions to get this corrected, last month they seemed to understand, (I thought it may actually get done this time as the person I spoke to was in the UK and spoke good English). but NO. Fcukwits!

The bills are continuing in the name of this fictitious person. Additionally, as I have not paid the ESTIMATED bill (for a property empty and not consuming any fuel)I have now had a letter advising me they are going to force entry to disconnect the supply. Well firstly I don't give a toss if the supply is disconnected, at least I wont have to deal with the Fcukwits again but I do care about possible damage to the property.

I called again and after speaking to someone whose understanding of what I was saying was non existent I asked to speak to a manager. Attitude!?!? I have never heard one as bad as his, again I doubt this person was in the UK so had no comprehension of what I was saying, he was difficult and rude and when I asked to be put through to the complaint department I was told to "go online". When i told him he was being rude and difficult I was told.... "Whatever"..... I was SO annoyed. I hung up and called back and spoke to someone different, initially I mentioned my complaint and he asked why I wanted to complain then asked why I had called in the first place. When I explained to him why I was calling he hung upon me!!! I was calling from a land line to another land line so I will not accept it was merely a problem with the "phone signal".

I was furious, I couldn't speak further I was just exasperated by the whole thing, I went online and made a complaint and stated my "issue". I doubt anything will be done. British Gas, Big Fat Fail!!! If I decide to keep the property the supplier is being changed as is the supplier at home. Also, "British Gas" is a contradiction in terms, it may be supplied in Britain but there was nothing "British" about the service (or lack of) received today.

At home the man from Virgin has been out to fix our Internet today, it was working before I went away but it seems something went wrong whilst I was away. My Sister and her Hubby were here at the weekend so he looked at it and made the necessary arrangements for the man to come and fix it today.

It seems there was something wrong with our router, he has swapped it for a new shiny one. Wonderful. my Mum made sure before he left that she could get on the Internet so it seemed to pass the test and when I got home the Internet man had gone and all seemed well.

That was until my Mum tried to sort her eBay stuff this evening. You might recall my post a few weeks ago about technology and how stressed I was with the whole wireless printing, this from someone who Steve referred to as a "geek" not long before he died, (that was because I bought a new iPhone 4 and was sucked in to the iWorld). Anyway, Mother has 2 printers, (we have one so 3 in total). All of which are wireless. Oh joy!!!

I have lost a whole evening tonight trying to get the wireless printers to work, trying to get the desktop PC to work, My Mum's laptop and Dad's laptop work and connect to the Internet no problem, mine wont! I have not looked at Steve's yet to see if that does. I am SO frustrated. Right now I am connected via my phone, not the best but right now I have a broadband connection I can't access!

I managed to resolve the printing issue for my Mum though, we have a wire! Connect printer to Laptop and hey presto printed words. The techie geeky nerdy stuff was Steve's department, he understood it as does my brother in law. It will have to wait till he visits next which, I am told might not be for some time, maybe not even before Christmas.

I will try to connect my PC to the Internet router thing tomorrow, I will also go to the attic to find a wire, it's a shit solution but I really cannot cope with the amount of stress the whole thing is causing, it's a computer FFS!!! they are supposed to make life easier, not mine, they are just causing me more stress, more frown lines and damaged teeth as I grind them in anger.

I am fed up now, angry, sad, frustrated, disappointed and missing Steve like mad as he is the one person I know could fix it and would have the patience to fix it and who I trusted completely and who understood how stressful this all is for me and would just take it all away from me.

Steve, just thinking back to this time last year, well not this date but 25th Sept last year. Steve had been discharged from hospital on 24th September and had said he fancied a 'chippy tea' (Takeaway I guess would be the nearest thing for our American friends). when we got home Mother had made food so we didn't get our chippy tea but, as he really wanted it we decided to go on Saturday.

Usually at the chip shop Steve would go in and order, he wanted to again but I went with him, remember he had just come out of hospital from having major brain surgery 3 days prior on 22nd September and was wearing a nasty wound and 37 staples in his head.

After ordering we stood in line and waited for our food to be cooked. We chatted and then when our order was done we took it and left.

When we got back to the car Steve asked, "did you hear that woman?" I said no and then he explained how he has heard her turn to her friend and say "eeeew look at his head.... that's disgusting". That hurt Steve, she was right and he knew it didn't look pleasant but she was so thoughtless. I was about to go back and have a go at the woman for her thoughtless hurtful comments but Steve didn't want me to fuss. I wish I knew who she was so I could go and tell her how hurtful her comment was and how ignorant I think she is. Probably best I don't know though.

Well it's just tipped past midnight, I was hoping to be in bed for 11 at the latest, hmmm another nights plans ruined. On the plus side though I am SO happy to have my iToys to keep me connected!

Until next time xxx M xxx

Catch Up

2011-09-25T23:28:00.002+01:00

Here goes, a catch up on the week for you. I have been away from home since Tuesday evening so that’s why I didn’t get to write a blog.

After work on Tuesday I came home and packed my stuff then set off for Scotland. It took about 3½ hours to get to Glasgow. The hotel was pleasant enough, T’s room was newly re-furbished, mine wasn’t as new but it was comfortable enough.

On Wednesday morning we had to set off for another hotel a little further along the same road. It was the Annual Brain Tumour Conference, not a “fun” event but I was there to help T with the “Behind The Mask” exhibition. Helping set it up really and answering queries on how Radiotherapy masks are made. I only know how they are made because I sat and watched Steve’s being made. It is the same exhibition, about Brain Tumours and Radiotherapy masks, that was displayed at the Palace of Westminster in March of this year.

Steve and I had decorated radiotherapy masks for the original exhibition and I was surprised and pleased to see Steve’s mask again. I remember him making it. Seeing it brought back a lot of memories as did reading Steve’s explanation of his mask. You can see his mask and what it meant to him on our website.

On Thursday afternoon we packed up and headed off for Edinburgh. I love Edinburgh and Steve did too, he had a special affection for Edinburgh since he worked there many years ago. Steve and I have been quite a few times to Edinburgh for a break, most recently we went for a week in April for his birthday. We did loads whilst we were there, Steve wouldn’t allow his cancer to spoil the break for me or the other friends we were with.

Usually Steve and I would try and stay quite close to the city centre, usually within walking distance. This time the hotel was about 7 miles away from the city centre. Not a huge distance but it was lovely. The place is called The Retreat Castle Hotel. It’s not a large grand castle but very comfortable and quirky. Steve would have loved it, I did too.

The welcome was warm and friendly, even the Peacocks came to say hello as we arrived, and the staff were great too. The food there was more like typical pub fayre as opposed to al a carte fine dining and that suited us perfectly. The bar area was charming and interesting too. The walls and shelves were crammed with all sorts of oddities so it was fun sitting there and just looking around, many of the pieces sparked conversation.

On Friday we spent the day on The Royal Mile, T gave the mobility scooter a proper outing and it seems she was OK but my feet and legs were aching! T got to see quite a few men in kilts, (much to her delight) including 2 pipers, this is the younger one, the other looked to be around 100!!

The streets of Edinburgh brought back a lot of happy memories of times spent there with Steve

and we even stopped for our lunch at Steve's favourite chippy.

On Friday night we sat for ages talking about things and then on Saturday we checked out as I had to drop T off at a celebration in Livingston. I was supposed to stop for a while with her but as we got there I received a phone call from the owner of the hotel. I had forgotten to hand in my room key; it was still in my pocket! GRRRR! I drove back to Edinburgh to drop the key off and then headed for home.

The drive home was tough. I don’t know why. The only explanation I can think of is that I have only ever been to Scotland with Steve, (apart from with work when I was repping many years ago). The scenery on the way back is distinctive and again it set me off. Driving with tears in your eyes is not good but I didn’t care. I have really missed Steve a lot lately.

On the way home I called in at Larch Cottage Nurseries in Melkinthorpe. A friend had mentioned it to me a long time ago but yesterday it was a convenient stopping place on the way home. It is a lovely place and I think my gardener friends would love it as they had a HUGE outside area just crammed with plants and garden ornaments etc. Many were too big for the average semi but still a fab place and well worth a visit if you are a gardener type or if you want something in particular.

When I got home last night I just relaxed, a bottle of wine and an early night and it was lovely to be back in my own bed.

This morning I went out shopping, I picked up a few Christmas things. I have made a conscious decision not to “cancel” Christmas; I want to but won’t as Steve loved Christmas. I know it will be tough but I also know I can’t avoid it.

Well, it's time for bed now so I'll write more tomorrow.

Goodnight
xxx Mark xxx

Help! Please......

2011-09-19T21:13:00.003+01:00

If you are a regular reader you will know Steve's friend and colleague, Andrew, has just taken part in The Great North Run in aid of Christies Hospital in memory of Stephen.

He set a £500 target and is VERY close to this, please please please if you can spare a few pounds please sponsor him to help him reach his target. He has done fantastically well and Steve would be VERY proud of him and that he has done the run in Steve's name.

Andrew is not an athlete so this really has been an achievement for him. Well done Andrew and please help if you can by following this link: http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85

I have been reading Steves blog lately from last year. Much of it is familiar to me and the significant dates seem to be etchen in my mind. This time last year Steve was worrying about his forthcoming surgery, here's what he had to say about it: http://troubleblogging.blogspot.com/2010/09/update.html

Those days are clear in my mind but, Steve's positive attitude bewildered me. I didn't understand but, I could not make any criticism. He was offered a chance to help beat this disease and he grabbed it with both hands. Think about that as you wonder whether it is worth forsaking the last few tablets on your course of anti biotics in favour of a night out or a few glasses of wine.

If you are offered a chance, whether that is of health or otherwise then take it. Some people don't get chances or choices so use yours wisely.

On learning of his diagnosis Steve stopped drinking alcohol. there were a few exceptions but few enough to count on one hand and even then at most he would have one or two glasses and no more. Sat here with a glass of wine I feel guilty. Not guilty enough to stop but I am conscious of the differences.

I still miss Steve with every breath I take, every spare moment is consumed with thoughts of him and wishing he could be here. Another hug, another kiss even another night of him stealing the duvet. There is nothing I wouldn't give just to have that one more time.

Tomorrow after work I am driving north to help a friend for a few days. It will be an interesting time I think as I know I am likely to meet some other people dealing with the same Cancer Steve had, a Glioblastoma Multiforme.

The timing is rubbish as this is a month of anniversaries but I doubt there would ever be a "good time" but, best foot forward and all that.

I'm signing off now to go and iron some clothes. I hope to update again in the next few days but don't be alarmed if I don't.

Bye for now xxx
M x

Under the microscope...

2011-09-18T12:07:00.000+01:00

Yep, thats what's happening right now, I feel I am under the microscope... annoying, frustrating, upsetting and un-nerving. All will be resolved eventually but for now it is just there..... just like Steve's Cancer was just there...

Perhaps I should go and see that works Doctor or Shrink they wanted to send me to, I can chat to him about that and see what his views are. Maybe not.

I cant remember when I blogged last... Friday I think so here goes for yesterday. Twas a good day, not weather wise,that was REALLY bad, heavy rain all over but it didn't dampen my spirits.

I went out for the day with a Friend. I filled the car with petrol, (that seems to be an expensive luxury too these days), and went to collect him. We drove out to Gawthorpe Hall to have a look around. It was OK, not a huge house but quite interesting. It would have been better with better weather but it was a pleasant day.

After that we drove over to Clitheroe which was OK. I was expecting lots of little quirky shops but, thats not really what we saw. It was OK though and I guess again the rain did make us less enthusiastic about traipsing around the shops.

From there we had a nosey at Barton Grange, a nice place to have a nosey at and already they have their chrimbo stuff in. We chatted about Christmas again though. I am dreading it this year. I have had offers from friends to go and stay with them but I am still unsure, I dont really wamt to put a dampner on anyone elses Christmas by being miserable or missing Steve but I know it is going to be a tough time.

Steve LOVED Christmas, he always said he loved they was my family go over the top at Christmas with decorations and presents etc as his Chirstmasses as a kid were not like that. Perhaps some pictures will help explain;

Fireplace 1

Fireplace 2

Fireplace 3

Stairs

Pink Candlestick

Tall Candleabra

Bling Tree

Our Christmasses here have always been fun and Steve and I have already started Christmas shopping. We were never as bad as to start in January, it always seems a little mean to but presents for next year in this year's sale but if we were out and saw an interesting or unusual item we thought would be particularly useful or suitable for someone then we would buy it and put it aside for Christmas.

I still subscribe to all that and all that is Christmas, I still love the season but I am dreading not having Steve with me. The sympathetic looks or being lavished with pity for being the lonely widower.

New year is worse, I hate it and always have. Steve and I were supposed to work last year, (until his diagnosis that is) as he also disliked new year. Last year we had a particularly shitty day on New years Eve, (it was the first anniversary of his Aunt's death due to cancer), so we were both in bed around 9pm. Both upset and both scared of the future. What was there for us to look forward to in a "New Year"?

This year I want to disappear for Christmas and New year and come back when it's all over. I don't know what I will end up doing though. If this place had sold and I was living alone that would be fine, I could be home alone but, as it hasn't sold yet then I have to make alternative plans. I don't know what they will be yet.... where can I go that isn't very costly where there will be no mention of Christmas or New year? A cave somewhere I guess!

Today I have a day of being busy planned, I want to be busy to distract myself. I am signing off now and I will make a start. I'm not sure what it is that I will start but I'm going to do it now.... well soon anyway.

Have a great day xxx

Mark

Am I "really" being selfish?

2011-09-16T20:52:00.000+01:00

Before I even start this blog I know it will be a bit of a ramble. I have so many thoughts in my mind that I just need to release them all and then see what’s in there. Not sure if that makes sense but I am being selfish for now and this blog is for me. It’s been a tough week and I need the outlet right now.

Firstly I was reminded by a friend last night about the consultant’s analogy when he diagnosed a “cystic tumour”. He said right now they have just a picture of the tumour, much like an aerial photograph from a plane. They can see the factory (tumour) but they can’t see what that factory makes, i.e. they don’t know if it in benign or cancerous cells being produced.

We bought in to that explanation as it seemed simple and plausible. The consultant might have told us what sort of factory it “appears” to be but he didn’t. This isn’t a criticism at all, the consultant was great and Steve almost immediately bought in to him. He was an older gent, much like a granddad; although too young to be Steve’s granddad he had a friendly face and a nice disposition.

Once Steve’s tumour had been identified, in location and size really as we still didn’t have a name. He chose to give it a name. He called it Clive. Clive the clump and, September 22nd would be Clive’s eviction day. Big Sista, (Steve) had decided it would be evicted from the Big Bruvva house.

Steve’s humour was not appreciated by all. Some thought him disrespectful to not take his condition seriously. Steve and I always joked about his tumour, that’s because that the way he wanted it. He figured in much the same way as the monster under your bed (you imagine as a child), is less scary when you picture it wearing bunny ears and a pink tutu by Steve mocking his tumour then it could not harm him.

Even though Steve is no longer with us I still like to think his tumour didn’t get the better of him. It didn’t rob him of his dignity and, I only have good memories of Steve. I reckon most, if not all, of his family and friends also have good memories as none of them saw him “ill”. He carried on regardless. I knew he was struggling. Struggling to stay awake, struggling to keep on walking or talking or being sociable but, Steve NEVER gave in to it. He would not allow it.

When we went to Scotland in April for his birthday he found the constant walking and sightseeing tiresome and difficult. He never let on. Not to our friends anyway. I knew because I knew Steve but he masked it well. Sometimes I wish he hadn’t. Would we have taken it more slowly if he had been honest? Probably. And that is what Steve DIDNT want. He wanted to be “normal” so he kept quiet and I supported his choice.

The same with work. He wanted to be “normal”. On the Friday before he died he “worked from home” as usual. Just 5 days later he was dead. Nobody understood his desire to work and maintain a routine. I did. He didn’t want to let go of the life he loved and never for one minute did he believe that Cancer would win.

Cancer hasn’t won. Because he didn’t deteriorate or become bedbound he will always remain young and vibrant, happy and cheerful. Even on the Sunday, before he died on Wednesday, he joked with a friend (G) and was happy and positive. He was the last friend really to see Steve “well”.

Re-reading that last paragraph is difficult through the tears but that, I suppose, is why things have been so tough. Steve was never “ill”, he became a little poorly and then died. All within days.

Steve “evicting” his tumour was typical of him. Dumb it down so people didn’t worry. He was petrified, (and so was I) but he never let on to anyone.

I received a phone call today from Steve’s Macmillan nurse, she asked how I was. It took me by surprise but, it was lovely to hear from her. She really cheered Steve up and, although he wasn’t in constant contact with her she remembered him when we saw her at Christies Hospital in the corridor and she made a hugely positive impact on Steve. Just being herself. She is a lovely person and SO easy to speak to. I can’t sing her praises highly enough and, on top of all that she came to Steve’s funeral. She didn’t need to and I wouldn’t have thought any less of her if she didn’t but she came. I owe her a HUGE hug when I see her next.

The phone call was lovely and it turns out she has been meaning to call for a while. I know that feeling, I have been “meaning” to message a few of our friends for a while and have even promised to go for coffee with a few but have not got to do that yet. I have not forgotten but I don’t want to inflict my melancholy on them. Some friends just get that from me anyway although I would prefer them not to, sometimes it is impossible to avoid.

Moving on, forward, upward, positively, all “good” words to make me feel better, I received a text from a friend this week to ask about meeting up this weekend. It was unexpected but VERY much appreciated. I have had lots of offers over the past weeks and months and I love all of our friends for that but I guess it’s just “pot luck” at the moment if they catch me on a good day or bad. If it’s a good day and I say yes then I tend to not go back on that. On a bad day I’d probably decline an invitation, even though I know I run the risk of not being asked again. I just hope people understand that I am trying. I WANT to feel happy but sometimes my heart, sometimes my head and sometimes both say NO!

Fortunately right not I feel the bad days are getting fewer or not quite as deep. The good days have not increased proportionately but, I am now experiencing “neutral” days. That’s a bonus. The “happy” medium between both ends of the scale.

Well, for now that’s about it. I do have loads more swimming around in my head but I guess that’s enough for now.

Love to you, whoever and wherever you are, I know you care because you are reading. I care that you care enough to spend your time reading. Thank you, sending big hugs xxx

Mark x

You don't die from a broken heart...

2011-09-15T18:24:00.000+01:00

...you only wish you did.

I know this to be true as I am still alive to write this for you and yes, I have wished I could be with Steve, whatever it takes.

The past few days have been tough. I mentioned a few days ago the anniversary of Steve being admitted to hospital. One year ago today he was discharged from hospital. He was discharged following an appointment with a Consultant Neurosurgeon.

The meeting was at a different hospital, the one near our home so, we collected Steve's belongings and drove over to the hospital. Steve's Mum had decided she wanted to go too, even though Steve didn't want that, (he just didn't want the fuss), he was beyond putting up an arguement and just accepted it.

We waited outside the ward for our appointment. A very secure ward with restricted doors etc so only authorised personnel were allowed in. We were shown to an office and asked to wait. Steve was sat alongside me gripping my hand tightly, he was SO scared but put on a brave face.

The Consultant entered the room, a friendly looking older gent closely followed by a nurse, in uniform but holding a leaflet. One glance at the leaflet and I saw the word "Macmillan" across it. My heart sunk and I guessed what might be coming. She placed the leaflet face down on the table next to her. It was too late, I had seen it and Steve had too.

The meeting seemed a bit of a blur to Steve, he engaged with the consultant but although he heard the words he didn't remember. I had to go over it again for him when we got home.

The consultant told us that at present the only diagnosis he could give was that it was a cystic tumour. This meant that it is a tumour which is of indeterminable substance. He couldn't say if it was cancer or not and would not be drawn to make a comment as to his opinion of it.

The tumour appeared, from the scans, to measure around 3cm by 5cm, around the size of a large egg. He showed us the scan and we could see how large it looked, it seemed to take up almost a quarter of the space his brain was occupying. It explained the headaches.

He told Steve that he would be admitted to hospital the following week for major brain surgery and that he would be performing it. He explained the procedure, called debulking and explained the risks, death from anaesthetic, death from complications death from etc etc. We asked about the alternative, it wasn't very attractive, it was death.

It was odd that he knew this tumour could kill Steve but didn't know what it was. With hindsight I think he probably had a pretty good idea what it was but wouldn't commit until absolutely sure.

Steve asked about out holiday, remember we were due to go on holiday early in November for 3 weeks. All he would say is that he can't advise one way or another until the biopsy has been done. He said if it is benign then a holiday may be just the thing he needs to relax and recuperate, if it is malignant then further treatment would continue as soon as possible to provide him with the best possible chance.

As a young, fit and healthy man he said Steve had a very good chance of making a full recovery. He did say though that he could expect to feel tired for around six months as brain surgery can affect energy levels for quite some time.

The rest of the day we were numb. We were grateful to be reunited at home but we were numb.

Twelve months on from that and I feel numb again. I am brutally aware of what happened next and of my current situation but I'm managing to stay relatively composed (almost). I cant think of very much else at the moment but I am trying to be strong. Steve was and remained so thoroughout his journey. I can't call it an illness as he refused to let it make him ill.

Stephen showed more courage than I ever thought imaginable. He called me his rock. He was mine too. His courage and determination was a constant inspiration to me and still is. For that I am grateful and always will be.

A way forward

2011-09-12T22:50:00.004+01:00

Thats where I am at right now, looking for a way forward. Looking for that elusive new norm. Today has been a mixed day. An interesting meeting today has left me with a lot of mixed emotions and feeling "on edge" about a lot of things. All adding to my stress levels. I'm trying not to dwell on it because I can't afford to let the stress get to me.

In many ways the past 12 months have served to make me stronger. In many other ways they have highlighted my vulnerability.

After Steve's initial diagnosis I recall going out for dinner with his parents and his Uncle. The same Uncle that told him he could stand up and fight his cancer or he could pull the duvet over his head and give in to it. He told us how he was now bullet proof.

We didn't really understand but, as he had lost his Wife to cancer just 9 months previously he explained how the worse thing he could ever imagine or fear had now happened so, whatever else came his way would not be difficult to deal with.

I understand that now as I have lived through and continue to live in my worse nightmare. Being single per'se is not a nightmare, I have been single before and had a very happy and fulfilled life thank you very much. The nightmare comes in that I have lost my soulmate, lost whilst we were very much still in love with each other, lost whilst we were still in our idealistic honeymoon phase.

There seems to be no let up to my grief at the moment. It creeps up and surprises me at the most inconvenient time. This morning driving to work I heard the song "Time to say goodbye", it set me off. it's not a song Steve and I identified with but as soon as it started it too me to the crematorium, stood in front of Steve's coffin with his picture smiling back at me. I stopped tocompose myself. I ended up being about 2 minutes late for work. Not a huge issue but persoanlly frustrating that this had happened. It was a bright morning and I was in a good mood.

I considered earlier today the difference in how I feel, how well I feel I am coping, how well friends think I am coping and how "others" feel I am coping. I am not really bothered about other peoples opinions of how I am managing. I feel I have made a lot of progress, it's still less than three months since Steve died. Seeing the news reports yesterday of the 9/11 memorials and how emotional and upset those families still are after ten years of grieving made me realise my loss and how that makes me feel will be with me for the rest of my life. When people say, "so you're feeling better now?" or as my Aunt said last week, "Oh so you're over it all now" I get angry but, I hope they have seen the reports from yesterday and have realised that grief does not respond to timescales or deadlines. My life has now been changed forever as have as those of Stephen's many friends, as the song says, he has left a handprint on my heart, I am sure there are many other hearts wearing the same print http://animoto.com/play/GkTXS6BMWsRca25Z4Ix1tw

Overall I still feel I am moving forward and making progress, there are good parts of most days and tough parts of every day but all in all I am getting there, wherever "there" may be. Tomorrow I have a productive day planned at work, theres a lot of ideas swimming around in my head, they seem to be coming back slowly but surely and I am looking forward to getting back "up to speed". That doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it just means learning to live in my new situation.

Thats it for tonight, early to bed as tomorrow is a work day. Early to bed doesn't mean sleeping though, I'm still not conquering the whole sleep thing but, at least being in bed I am showing willing.

Goodnight xxx

End of a weekend.... Woo!

2011-09-12T00:19:00.001+01:00

Another weekend over, just as well really. Even though I managed to keep myself busy today I am still pleased it's over. Last year I felt the same.

As you know this time last year Steve was in hospital. In part what annoyed Steve, apart from not feeling I'll, was being unable do do his normal things and missing out on living life to the fullest, something he did till the end.

This time last year we were due to go on an underground tour of Manchester. Steve had booked it early in the year and had been looking forward to it as it is a restricted area and the tours are quite infrequent and we were due to take two friends too

Over the course of the few days he spent in hospital Steve had been going stir crazy. He told us how he spent one night listening to the guy in the next bed calling out "lord have mercy on me...." and singing Onward Christian Soldiers and listening to another guy complain constantly about how rubbish the food was and how constipated he was. Steve said he felt more I'll being in than he had before.

Over these first few days though he had been reduced from 2 hourly observations, (blood pressure, temperature, pulse etc) to 4 hourly but his steroid dose was quite high.

By sheer charm and being a model patient Steve managed to negotiate a few hours out of hospital. Basically he had to wait Until after his afternoon obs were done and he could go out but had to be back before the evening obs at 10pm. Initially he had thought he could get out at lunchtime so I made a lovely lunch and a home made cheesecake, (it was not a great cheesecake.... I have not followed a BBC Good Food recipe since....).

I collected Steve though at the required time and brought him home. He wasn't hungry, well not for food anyway. We fulfilled our carnal desires instead, those past four days had been hellish so it was nice to have that closeness and intimacy back, even if only relatively briefly. We then tried the cheesecake before heading off to meet friends ready for the underground tour, Steve had waited months for this.

The tour was disappointing to say the least, we sort of wished we had stayed in bed. Parts of it were interesting though, parts of the tunnel were the former canal and some of it had been used as air raid shelters during the war, overall though it was not that interesting, especially when compared to the underground tours of Edinburgh which we had both enjoyed.

Steve got back to his ward in time for the evening rounds, the nurse was grateful he had upheld his side of the bargain, he was grateful for a few hours out and I was grateful for a few short hours snatched with my Husband. Gratitude in a relationship seems odd but, think of it as the opposite of taking someone for granted. Be grateful for what you have because you never know how long it will last.

Back to today. I have prepped around 60 listings for eBay later this week then photographed even more stuff to go on and spent a few hours being creative and sewing, that is until the needle snapped. I took that as a natural break in proceedings and decided to go and get some food.

This evening I have relaxed, half watching TV, part checking email and part day dreaming of browsing the Internet. I'm in bed now typing this.

It's odd but, since there has just been me in the bed I spread out as much as possible so as to make the bed feel smaller and no so empty.

Back to work tomorrow Which reminds me of a quote I was sent:
At work, where recovery from broken-heartedness is expected to progress according to a time sheet, life goes on. Yet, we will not feel better according to a timeline determined by others and we cannot just opt out of feeling lonely.
Of course, I think some people may forget this. I am back in the office therefore their lives have returned to normal. How very nice for them eh....

Goodnight x

I still hate weekends.....

2011-09-10T22:39:00.001+01:00

I missed a day, sorry. I ended up chatting on the phone for about 3 hours until 2ish this morning and after that it was shower and bed.

Yesterday I went back to work. It was ok I suppose, well really it was more chaotic than anything but interesting too. I guess I am adjusting to how the place runs now as I have been away so long there are now three people sort of doing my old job but there is still loads for me to do. It is actually a relief to have the help of those other people. It was needed a long time ago but I am just appreciative of it being there now.

Last night I busied myself tidying around as someone was due to view the house today. Some friends called around after their holiday. It was nice to see them. We chatted for a while and also spoke about my 'holiday' too, I explained a little how tough it was. As I said though, words can't explain how it feels.

Oddly, they are the same friends that called around last year on Steve's second day in hospital, I was so upset at facing another night without Steve, again it is too difficult to explain, I drowned my sorrow by drinking more than half a bottle of Southern Comfort, no mixer, I just wanted alcohol to block out how I felt.
It's strange but, since Steve died I have avoided all but the smallest amount of alcohol. I know I am afraid of what it will do, I don't want to unlock those thoughts or emotions which are safely secured away and I know alcohol will loosen the bonds that hold those thoughts safe and sound.

After spending most of the night on the phone I showered and went to bed. It was as tough last night as it was a year ago, in fact tougher I guess. Last year I knew Steve was safe and sound at hospital, this year I know he's dead.

Today I got up and sorted my stuff out and got easy for the viewing. The prospective buyers came and had a look but I have no idea whether they liked it or not, I suppose time will tell.

This afternoon I did some shopping then came home and did some cooking, I experimented with a few things and made a lovely meal for myself. Oddly just cooking upset me. Usually I would so this for Steve and I, inflicting new flavours and concoctions on him. It's not so much fun cooking for one or not sharing these new flavours with someone special.

Right now I feel pretty shitty, it's been a tough night for a few reasons. I think early to bed is the solution, the sooner I got to sleep the sooner it is a new day and a new start.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring, maybe I need some time out on my own. I don't know but will decide tomorrow.

Goodnight x

What a day!

2011-09-09T00:24:00.000+01:00

Well what a day it has been today. I knew it would be a tough one anyway as it was my first full day in work since Steve's death so it was an early(ish) night last night and three alarms set for this morning, just in case.

I got up no problem and just pottered around slowly, not usual for me as usually when I am working it is a mad flit around to iron clothes, get dressed and get out ASAP but this morning I had loads of time to spare.

I got to the office and got settled in my new place, I was not happy, sat in a draught in a corner on a dodgy desk, I felt like a spare part, like I didn't belong there.

I busied myself with a few things and my mobile rang for the third time, unusually it was my Dad so I answered as he was away with my Mum visiting family in Wales and it's unlike him to call.

After hearing his opening words..... "now don't worry....." I knew I wouldn't like what came next. He proceeded to tell me how my Mum had been driving, (again this was unusual as she rarely drives as my Dad likes to drive) and she has crashed the car, quite badly, and could I give him his insurance company details.

You can imagine how I felt. My heart sunk. If it's not one thing it's another and again, why do I keep hearing the phrase "you don't get sent anything you can't handle...". I was told they had crashed into the central reservation at a junction, I later saw it was a traffic island and it was actually a lamppost that they had crashed in to.

I got the details he needed from the Internet and a few quick calls and sent them through. The Police were called and an Ambulance and I'm relieved there were no serious injuries. The car is another matter.

They tried to move the car but it wasn't for moving, the recovery truck had to come and take it away. It will be delivered home in the next few days and then the insurance assessor will need to view it. They have no idea if it is repairable.

Until the assessor has seen the car they can't get a courtesy car either so, they were left stranded in Wales. Shaken up, with luggage and miles Fromm anywhere.

To cut a long story short they were collected and taken to my Aunt's house and I drove down to collect them, a 400(ish) mile round trip. My first day back to work had been cut short and I got to go for a long drive instead. I am not sure if that was better than a full day in the office.

You will recall though I mentioned I knew today would be a tough one. I didn't have a crystal ball and the first day back wasn't my only concern. Today marks one year since Steve was admitted to hospital.

One year ago today was the first night we had spent apart from each other since we had met six years previously. We had met on a Friday and by the following Thursday Steve had moved in and we lived happily ever after, or at least until 8th September 2010.

Following on from his lengthy assessment the previous day Steve had been asked to return to the hospital at 10am for a CAT scan. He went to work as usual and told his boss he would be an hour or so as the appointment to discuss the results was set for the Friday so he went on the bus to he hospital but, following his scan he was asked to return to the clinic. He did so and was told immediately that he is being admitted. He was shoved into a wheelchair and carted off to the medical assessment unit and given a huge dose of steroid

He was annoyed in particular because he had a mountain of work to complete and felt pissed that he had been forced to sit in a wheelchair. Two minutes before he was well enough to walk to the clinic but now he was not well enough to walk from the clinic to the ward allegedly. He felt fine. The only explanation he was given was that he had a growth behind his left eye.

Steve called me at work, I was shocked to say the least but, as they were still doing tests he reckoned I was best not coming to the hospital until later ithe afternoon as by then he should be ok to go home. He was very wrong.

I of course spent the whole afternoon googling "lump behind the left eye". It came up with all sorts including brain tumours but, the most scary thing I could find then was some sort of condition which meant he would lose one eye. Because if the condition the socket would be damaged too and he would be left with a horrible hole where his eye once was and would have to wear an eyepatch.

This was the worse thing I could see at the time but I sort of figured he could still perform and do all the same things with one eye but his mascara for stage would last double the time. I didn't share this with Steve at the time but I did many months later, we laughed about it afterwards and wished that that was what he had instead.

Later that day it became clear he was staying in hospital, he thought it would be for one night so I came home and packed the necessaries, waited for Steves Mum to arrive as she wanted to come too and took off to hospital with his stuff. He was well, bored and frustrated and scared to be in hospital but otherwise well. We all joked about how he was being dramatic.

He was angry and kept insisting there was nothing wrong but he was just humouring the doctors. Remember, up to now he had not been suffering from any symptoms, a few migraines now and again but he got those as a child and he was in the busiest period of the year at work and was operating two computers at his desk so assumed the migraines were more due to eye strain. A change of prescription was ruled out after the optician had said his current prescription was fine just a few days before.

I remember the journey home from the hospital with Steve's Mum. I shared what I had learned and also mentioned brain tumours. I remember saying, there isn't a lot behind your eye other than your brain so what else can it be? Neither of us wanted to dwell on it.

When I got home some friends called to check on how Steve had been, we had updated people through the day by text. Most of our friends were concerned, there was one notable exception but that's another story.

When I got in I cracked open a bottle of Vodka, I needed a drink. I was home alone so after just one drink I trundled off to bed, my head was swimming with more thoughts that I ever imagined possible. Below is a picture of Steve on his first night in hospital, made to wear a gown so he got the idea he was staying.

This time last year I was settling down to my first night without Steve since meeting him. on getting in to my side of the bed and feeling to cold and empty space next to me I started to cry, then I sobbed, and sobbed and sobbed myself to sleep. I remember crying in to my pillow and saying out loud, "please don't die please don't die please don't die...." and asking what would I do without him.

Re-living this just 12 short months further on feels odd. It's like recalling a film but, I am sat here in bed, alone. I know it is real. I know he has gone. I look at his picture and he smiles at me as he always has, tonight I just can't smile back at him. Just 365 days ago I had my first taste of what life is like now. A cold and lonely bed crying myself to sleep and waking up knowing I have to do it all again tomorrow.

Now you understand why today is a tough day.....

and so the journey began...

2011-09-07T22:51:00.000+01:00

that's where I am at, exactly twelve months since Steve was sent to the eye hospital following a routine eye test. Following his eye test on 5th September he saw his own doctor on the morning of 7th September and he referred Steve to the eye hospital in the afternoon. His appointment was at 2pm and I took him to the hospital despite him insisting he would be fine to go on his motorbike.

The department closed at 6pm but Steve and I were still there at 6.15pm whilst they booked him in for an MRI scan to following day.

We went home and discussed the days events but didn't worry too much. I say that but what I mean is we didn't discuss it much. Steve said he was worried, (as was I), but didn't see the point in getting stressed because at this point we had no idea what we would be worrying about. We were to find out all too soon.

A year on and I have been sat here alone all day. I have done quite a lot of work really. Letters prepared to be sent to tie up some loose ends with Stephens affairs, there is still more to do but I felt in a work like mood today and it has also been the first day I have felt able to face some of the stuff I have had to deal with.

Steve rarely took the ostrich approach, (burying your head in the sand), and I encouraged him to face up to the things he would prefer to avoid. He learned well and also encouraged me to do the things I put off till last minute. I have been putting a lot of things off since he died i guess though last week's reality check, being alone on the trip we had planned together has really given me a kick up the arse.

Stephen is dead. There is nothing I can do about it. I know crying wont help, wishing and hoping doesn't help, in fact nothing does because I have tried.

I learned today of a little boy called Ashley. He died this day last year. I have seen his picture and he is such a cute kid, that makes it all the more difficult. He was just 8 when he died. Its not fair is it. It's stories like that which remind me that my pain is similar to the pain many people the world over are sharing because of one small six letter word, a small word with huge implications. Cancer.

It's because of that small but disproportionately huge word that Andrew is running for Steve and for Christies in a few weeks, I have sponsored him, can you? http://www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85 every penny will help.

I think whilst we are all safe and sound in our own homes with our loved ones around us we forget about other peoples suffering. Remember, cancer does not discriminate over age, race, religion, sex or sexuality. Cancer wont care if you have thousands of pounds in the bank or just a few pennies, no matter how much is in there though you cant spend that money when you're dead.

Steve and I worked hard. We worked all week in our day jobs and almost all weekend performing and entertaining others. We spread a lot of happiness, joy and laughter around the country, we earned a few quid too but what good was it? We worked and worked and worked, last year it was for our holiday in November. Three weeks in India. We never got there.

Cancer stopped our plans. Our holiday was cancelled, our money lost and days on the beach or sightseeing were replaced with hospital waiting rooms and the radiotherapy suite at Christies Hospital. I don't know if I will ever be able to go to India to see the things Steve wanted to see, I would love to but, I realise that is is not important anymore. The most important thing to me is no longer here.

I don't want to drag the soap box out but spare a moment. How would you feel without your closest loved one around you? If they had cancer would you be wishing someone had found a cure or would you feel proud that you helped do as much as possible to fight this killer? None of us can find a cure on our own but we can join together as one voice and support those who aim to help others.

One in three of us will be affected by cancer in our lives that's for sure but, what isn't sure is which one of us it will be.

Spare a thought for Ashley's family tonight, snatched from them at just 8 years old just one year ago and please remember that any support you are able to provide is VERY much appreciated by each and every family who have lost a loved one to cancer.

Goodnight xxx

Well it's not been 'that' long...

2011-09-06T23:33:00.000+01:00

Hiya,
Well at least this time I have only missed one day not a whole week. anyway here goes. Yesterday was an OK day, I logged on from home and did a heap of work. I'm just trying to catch up a little before I go back. I got quite a lot done so was quite pleased. Apart from that there was not a huge amount of news but I did have a lovely email last night from someone Steve used to work with. I've copied part of the email below for you:

I work in the Accounts department at Traveljigsaw and have done for a number of years. I was therefore lucky enough to know and work with Steve for a number of years and I must say we always had a ball

Earlier this year I thought I would try and show my support towards Steve and his illness by signing up to run the Great North Run. I asked Steve before I signed up that I wanted to do this for a charity of his choice and together we decided that I would run and try and raise some money for The Christie. With the run less than 2 weeks away I have set up a just giving page to try and raise as much money as I can for this charity as per Steve’s wishes

(www.justgiving.com/andrewcroston85). I am sorry that I have not been in touch sooner in regards to this but I was unsure myself as to whether I would be able to do the run until such short notice. I was wondering whether you would be able to mention this and my just giving page on your next blog or on facebook somewhere so we can try and raise as much as we possibly can.

I remember Steve mentioning this to me and I know he was chuffed that someone wanted to do this in his honour which is why I am passing this on as I (and I am sure Steve), would be very grateful if anyone could support Andrew in raising money for a very worthwhile cause.

Today I have spent most of the day out, I had to take my car in to the garage for an MOT so took it to the garage it went to last year and then spent the day with a friend whilst the garage worked on the car. Steve's Mum visited this evening, it was nice to chat to her properly but this evening I have not managed to catch up on any of the things I wanted to sort, I think an early night is in order and an early start tomorrow so it's goodnight for now.
M x

A busy day....

2011-08-17T23:57:00.000+01:00

Here I am again, it must be 'that' time of night. Its odd you know as I always used to remind Steve to do his blog before bed, most times he would and only sometimes he would say he didn't want to, when I reminded him about "his readers" he often just got on and wrote it. On the whole though he was very good, sometimes even doing a few in the day or starting it in the day and adding to it as the day went on. I cant do that. The time Steve used for his mini updates was usually when I was driving, I'm driving so therefore cant.

Today has been a busy sort of day. I got up early and did a bit of stuff for work. I sent a few emails too sort of explaining my disappearance to a few people, I think they will understand, well, those that actually noticed I've not been around.

After that I was on a 'Steve mission'. I ordered a keyring for myself a few weeks ago, a late night eBay shopping spree, basically a small vial or tube to put some of Steve's ashes in and keep in your pocket etc. There is it in blue with my keys.

They are made from aluninium so are very durable and, don't worry, I have superglued the screw top shut, just in case! The idea came to me after I recalled a friend has something similar on his keys in which he has a recreational drug, for emergency use. Nothing sinister, just a Viagra... I have no idea, (and no desire to establish), whether it is his own prescription or acquired via another source. A great idea I thought (and no, I won't say who).

Anyway, I showed his Mum and she liked them so we ordered more. Well, it was my job to fill them today, and yes, again I glued the lids on! I delivered them to her tonight, she's happy with them and his Dad is happy with his too so thats all good.

I spent the evening with Steve's parents, really just talking about Steve. It was good to chat. It's really the first time I have had a chance to speak to his Dad properly since the funeral. He seems well and, even though I know he is still hurting from the loss too; he seems to have adjusted pretty well. We spoke about all sorts including the legacy Steve wanted to leave, as I said, it was good to talk.

On returning home this evening I have done very little, I chatted to my Mum for a bit and have since been sat here at the PC. I think bed is calling soon. I have loads I want to do tomorrow. The days just whizz past.

All in all it's not been a bad day. I'm missing Steve loads right now though. Being in Oldham today, somewhere I have only ever been with Steve before, (not least because I /We had no reason to go there other than to see his family), it has been like a series of pin pricks, just small jabs at my sub conscious I guess, or like a child tugging at your trouser leg, just a nagging reminder.

To say I am "missing him" is not expressive enough, I'm not going to try tonight either. I'm off to bed, it's cold and lonely without Steve there but I'm getting used to it. Also, in addition to my thick feather duvet I have a fleece throw on the bed too, I don't seem to be able to get warm enough in bed. We used to just have a sheet, even in deepest winter as Steve and I were always warm.... like I said though, I'm getting used to it.

Goodnight x

How can it be...?

2011-08-13T21:16:00.001+01:00

How Can it Be?

In a world so big
how can it be that one person
can be missed so much

So many memories to cherish
but how can it be
that thinking of them hurts too much

Though the days are bright and the skies are blue
how can it be
that the sun just doesn't shine any more

The sun doesn't shine
because you are gone,
gone but not forgotten

Never to see you smile again
to touch your face or hold your hand.
How can it be?

You are in my dreams
and I talk to you,
but how can that be enough

Every night I look
for the brightest star in the sky
and wonder is that you

They say it was your time to go
but how can it be
that someone needed you more than we do

One day the hurt may fade
one day the tears may stop,
but not today.

You were more than just a Husband
you were a friend, an inspiration, a hero.
So how can it be you are gone

An absent neutral week

2011-08-06T23:29:00.000+01:00

I know I have been lacking in the blog area this week. Perhaps my mind has been am little absent too. It's not been a significant week, neither significantly good or significantly bad just a collection of days.

That's not meant negatively but maybe neutrally. That's probably the best explanation for my mood the last week and I am ok with it, it is better than being on the roller coaster. Don't get me wrong I have had a few 'moments' this week but that's ok.

On Tuesday this week J came and stopped, we went out for lunch and we wandered around the shops, we each bought just one item so hardly a huge spree but it was the first time I have been to a busy shopping area since Steve died so it can be seen as a step forward.

On Wednesday I didn't get up to much, I was going to venture out with the camera and did set off in the car but came home, I just didn't feel like it.

Thursday was again a bit of a quiet day but H came to see me in the eve and we had a good old natter. Also, if you remember me asking you to say a prayer or send healing thoughts for a friends nephew well it's her nephew. I am pleased to say he is doing ok, he is not fully recovered but he is out of intensive care so he is heading in the right direction. He's only 13 so please keep sending all your positive thoughts etc to Luke xxx

Friday was not so bad either, I had an appointment in the afternoon so I got up and had a leisurely morning then went to see G afterwards. It's not all good there either unfortunately, N's Dad is poorly, he has been for some time but he is in hospital again and the whole family are concerned. I feel for them a lot as they have seen Steve go through his journey and have watched me struggle with him dying and now they have this on top. It's not fair but life seldom is, and don't I know it.

Last night I was up until really late, in fact till the early hours of this morning chatting on the phone, it was a good to talk though, we were discussing ideas for raising awareness of brain tumours, I did a couple of pictures this week for #braintumourthursday on twitter, just some pics of Steve but with a hard hitting message.

They may seem harsh, I had a long think before, during and after I did them but, I decided if they stop someone and make them think then they have done their job and Steve would be pleased to know he has helped raise awareness of this cruel disease, I've recently learned of a few children with the same disease. It sickens me to know what those families will be going through now and at some point in the future.

Today has not been too bad. I got up late, not late considering I was awake until after 4am but later than usual. I showered and went in to town. I only needed to bank a cheque and post a letter. The bank was shut and I had missed the last post for today for the letter but it will go on Monday.

I thought about having a look around the shops, I went in and wandered about for a bit but came away empty handed. I realised there is nothing I need to buy or want to buy so I came home empty handed.

I had a call this afternoon from a friend about something else she has been working on, it will be great news but she has to keep it a secret for now so I will too but, eventually you will know ALL as it really is good news.

This evening I have sat here alone, not doing anything in particular but, as the weekends have been the most difficult bits of my week then I think I am doing ok so far, I'm not on a downer, that's not due to alcohol anaesthetic either as I haven't had any but it is just because I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I just hope nobody turns it off before I get near the end!

I'm not sure what tomorrow will bring, loads to do but the weather and my motivation when I wake up will no doubt decide for me. Here's another pic I did, you can see why the debate with myself, hard hitting and hopefully they can be used to raise awareness of brain tumours for http://www.btbuddies.org.uk/

Goodnight xxx Mark xxx

Because I knew you...

2011-08-03T20:20:00.001+01:00

I know it's been a few days, I will update more later but for now please take a look at this video I was sent today. It could be viewed as an "open letter" to Steve, after all I am who I am today Because I knew you...

Lost

2011-08-01T00:40:00.000+01:00

Thats how I have felt this weekend. yesterday was a lovely day weather wise but not really for me.

After writing my blog in the morning I showered and then took the car for a wash, I cam home and polished it, more for something to pass the time than anything, it certainly didn;t really need it but it killed a few hours.

After that I sat here at the computer, not really doing much. I sort of snapped myself into action around 6ish and decided to go out, I called to see friends but they were out, I sort of guessed they were and I was perhaps glad they were, I would have been crap company I guess but I wanted to be out of the house. I went for a walk instead around the waterside near The Lowry centre and Media City UK. I took the camera, my "justify walking on your own" tool.

When I got home I had something to eat and then returned to the computer. Again, another way to opt out of watching TV or talking to people. I just felt low I suppose. The events of last week with work has really got to me and in a way I suppose unsettled me, I am feeling like i'm being rushed into putting Stephen aside and moving on. I know I need to find a new normal ASAP but pushy attitudes havent helped, I guess it will sort itself out in the end.

I ended up going to bed early, midnight is early for me lately. As a result I was awake before 7 this morning, I lay in bed reading on the internet via the phone.

Today has been another low day though. I didn't want it to be. I wanted it to be productive sorting things for the move (whenever it is) and, this morning I finished customising a shirt for a friend that I promised to do long before Steve died.

After that is was shower and dressed then I decided to get a load of stuff we're clearing on to eBay, (I still say We even though it's really just Me now - old habits etc...). I procrastinated for ages, finally I did it though and got almost 60 listings on today.

I have had no less than 4 invites out to lunch today, sadly I declined them all. I wasn't being mean but I didn't feel sociable, I knew I would be rubbish company and my friends asked because they care, they don't need to have their day blackened by the big cloud I have been dragging around all day. I did have a genuine excuse though, the stuff that went on eBay today was photographed before Steve died so again, it's about time I caught up.

I sort of guess if I get "My" stuff sorted, the eBay etc then I can apply the same methodology to work and getting back to it. I don't know if it will work but I guess one of my concerns about work is that when I am back I won't have time to settle back in, it'll mean hitting the ground running, I think up to now I have managed a walk and thats it..... I'd feel lost there too, long story but I guess no small part of it is that it is incredibly difficult for a gay guy to "fit in" within a hetro environment.... (and not even metro-hetro at that), it's never bothered me before but right now I feel vulnerable so it's daunting, the pressure just serves to confirm my concerns.

This evening I have spoken the T via email, she's a gem and has sent me the lyrics to a song I was told about before Steve's funeral, the song is lovely but here is an excerpt of the words....

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

It has struck a chord with me, it did the first time I heard it and again, hearing this has set me off again. I guess it's time for bed. One soggy pillow coming right up...

2011-07-28T16:20:00.000+01:00

Here goes. I’ve not written for a few days so you’re in for a HUGE update.

Monday was a fairly good day. Well, sort of. You may recall I’d had a call on Saturday from Christies Hospital to go and collect Steve’s belongings which were there. I combined this with a trip to Steve’s work to drop off his computer which was brought here when he started “Working from home”. The work visit was first and was OK; I only saw Steve’s boss and we chatted a little. He’s a nice guy and Steve got on very well with him and liked him not only as a person but as a boss too.

The Christies visit was less pleasant. I had to go in to the critical care unit where Steve had been treated just before he was transferred to Hope Hospital. The nurse offered her condolence etc and I recognised her from when I was there last. I collected his bag of stuff. On the way out I bumped into the Doctor who had seen Steve on his last Chemo run, we chatted for a while but, she also said how completely shocked she had been about Steve’s passing, ESPECIALLY since she had seen him on 1st June and he died just 2 weeks later on 15th June. It was nice to talk but she understood when I told her I hope to not see her again in a ‘medical’ capacity.

After that I needed some air and a change of thought so I picked up a friend and we went to Heaton Park for a walk. I went a few weeks ago and ended up having to come home when my battery run out on the camera. This time my battery lasted a little longer but I had not charged them so I ran out of power again but I didn’t stress about it. We ended up sitting alongside the duck pond for a while chatting, it was nice to have a proper chat.

After that I drove him home and then called in at home before A friend arrived from Scotland to stay for a few days. It was nice to see here and to be able to chat. It wasn’t purely social, she had business to attend to here but all the same it was nice to catch up. We ended up talking till way too late but, it was good to do. I ended up though going to collect her from Knutsford as that’s where she had been left, it’s a long story.

Tuesday was OK, I took T to look for a scooter, and we found a really decent one quite locally. It will give her more independence, freedom and the ability to be out of the house for longer periods of time, hopefully free of pain. After that we called home again before heading off to see another friend about a different project. It all seems a bit hush hush but we’re trying not to tempt fate by bleating on about it, fingers crossed.

Tuesday evening Steve’s Mum visited as usual and again T and I spent way too long talking till far too late but again, it was good.

Yesterday was an odd day. We got up late because we’d gone to bed late. After T finally ;-) got dressed we went out. We had to call in to the bank first then went for a drive to Marple to the canal and spent a few hours watching the narrow boats navigating between locks 12 to 16. It looked like hard work for them. It made me think how realistic it is going to be for me to live on a narrow boat and cruise the network alone. The lock needs to be opened, and then the boat driven (?) in to the lock, the lock gate closed behind then wait for the lock to fill before opening the next gate, driving the boat out of the lock and then closing the lock gate behind you and then on to the next.... multiply that process by 16 and you can see how tiring and time consuming it is all likely to be, bearing in mind each lock takes about 20 minutes when at least 2 people are operating it.

I don’t want it to alter my decision but it certainly is a leveller. There’s a lot to consider. Knowing me though I am so stubborn, (like Steve) that I will probably just do it but curse the aches and pains (and exercise) involved!

After that T and I went to the Trafford Centre for dinner, we had a Thai meal and it was lovely and we then went to watch the last Harry Potter film. I guess it was significant for us both as she had read Harry Potter to her Fiancée as he lay critically ill. For me, I hadn’t thought about it before but, Steve and I have been to see every film together. I had read the books but Steve hadn’t. I refused to tell him the ending of each part though so, I realised last night Steve never knew the ending to the story. A journey Steve and I had begun together, watching a series of films, and he never got to the end.

I spent a lot of the film with tears running down my face. The 3D glasses were a good disguise. The tears flowed regardless of what was happening in the film, the film didn’t make me cry. Stephen wasn’t seeing it with me and that is what upset me.

I enjoyed the film but I had never considered going to the cinema to see a 12 rated film could be SO traumatic and make me cry almost the whole way through it.

On the way home T and I spoke about loads of stuff but the subject of music came up. She explained how she associates pieces of music with people and places. I asked what mine was. She said it is a piece for Steve and me and invited me to guess. Show tunes or Pop Music were nowhere near so I gave up and asked what song, she told me, Neil Diamond. I immediately thought or “America” or “Love on the rocks” and was puzzled. She told me it was “Forever in blue jeans”. It hit me.

I started crying straight away, the first verse says it all and I remembered straight away the time and place and events and why that song had become significant to us. I re-posted Steve’s blog last night with the song.

The first verse reads:

Money Talks

But it don't sing and dance

And it don't walk

As long as I can have you here with me

I'd much rather be

Forever in blue jeans

Forever in Blue Jeans

I told Stephen it was relevant to us, sod the drag, sod the stage lights and the glitz and glam and fun and sequins, wigs, shoes, parties, laughter and travelling, I just wanted him. I STILL only want him but, I know it will never be, not in this life at least.

I’m not going to write much about today, it’s been a Shitty day so far, hopefully I can turn it around but for now I think I have written enough.

Until next time xxx Mark xxx

Forever in blue jeans...

2011-07-28T00:04:00.000+01:00

Tonight I have just been reminded of an old blog post of Steve's, I've copied it below, it was earlier this year just as we were going away. Have a read and listen to the song.... hope you enjoy x

Away - Sunday 13th Feb 2011

Well we've done it. We managed to get out of the house, and we were only 34 minutes behind schedule. Which for us is brilliant.

I realised earlier that I haven't updated all weekend so here goes with a big update.

Friday I was in the office and managed to get loads done, I actually felt part of the team again. After work I went for coffee with my friend Dr Jon which was good as we just watched the world go by and had a good catch up.

Mark picked me up in town and we went shopping for dinner. Marks good at his mixed grills. From there we just veged in front of the tv watching DVD's and I did more on our diamante throw - which is slowly getting there...

Saturday we were up and dressed pretty early. I did the post run for the last of our weekly sales. Everyone should have their purchases by monday hopefully.

Saturday afternoon was spent photographing more stock which will be uploaded on Thursday - see even when were away were working.... I even have a box of tights in the car ready for this weeks sales....

Last night we did our packing and ironing ready for today, nothing like being organised. It was then veg on the sofa and more diamante and Mark with his ebay pictures.

This morning we were up full cooked breakfast and load the car. Were now whizzing down the motorway on our way.

Don't worry about the cats and the in-laws We've left them loads of food and they are house trained - the cats just please themselves :-)

We just decided whilst listening to Michael Balls Sunday Brunch show that Neil Diamonds Forever in Blue Jeans is our new song because he would rather have me and have to wear blue jeans than not to have me and have sequins.... Soppy sod. But it is really relevant to us.

Anyway will sign off and update later.
Steve x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3D27dmGp2zU

Naked Boys Dancing and Free Chocolate

2011-07-21T01:26:00.000+01:00

Today has certainly been a different day, in the main because I have been out for most of it I guess. For the past few weeks I have been in for the most part of most days, (or it certainly seems that way) but, today has been different.

I was up at a reasonable time this morning despite still being up till 3.30 am meddling. I am planning on going to bed quite soon so hopefully before 1.30 am today. I have not thought about whether I am still avoiding bed or if I have now just got into a routine of late nights and minimal sleep? I don't know but I guess I ought start to go to bed at a reasonable time sometime soon.

I had to go to Wigan today, there were a few reasons none of which need to be explored here but I did get to see a friend there too and have a good old natter. We are as bad as one another and can both talk for England but we just flow from one thing to another. Steve used to laugh at me, he could tell who I was speaking to just by hearing one side of the conversation but, I guess that is because he knew me so well.

After leaving the house around 2pm today I got home just before 9pm, that's unusual for me at the moment as I said, most of my time seems to be spent at home these days but, today has been a good day, I've not had a "Steve" focus to the day and it's not felt bad doing something for me. In fact this morning seemed OK too, I was thinking about putting a few things away. Just stuff which belongs to Steve which I have kept around since he passed away, old pictures, (in a box; but close to hand), some clothes and bit's and pieces really which were his. I think I am now mentally in a place where these can be put away. Out of sight, NOT out of mind but I suppose it means I can reduce the clutter around me, something Steve hated and tried to rid us of, (even though he was a hoarder, a gene he definitely got from his Mum).

I now have a sense of busy-ness, there seems to be a lot to do. By doing it I will keep my mind active but also perhaps just be able to move on mentally from under the big black cloud and make my way toward the end of the cloud and moving toward those nice fluffy white ones before I get to clear blue skies and sunshine.

Well not a lot more to report, like I said it's been a good day. Last Wednesday was a good day too, I had "things" to do on both days though so I doubt there is a Wednesday connection just a "being busy" connection. Hmmm, good job I have lots to occupy my time tomorrow, there's another estate agent comimg on Friday, this one seems to be a little more pro-active in finding punters. Lets see what he has to say but I reckon we'll be reducing the price and trying to get things jogging along pretty soon, our boat is calling...

Well goodnight again oh and sorry about the title, I just thought it looked a little more interesting than "A Good Day" but, if I were to ever have a day like that I can assure you I wont be writing my blog until both are long gone, well, you need to make the most of these things which reminds me.... theres chocolate in the cupboard which had a "best by" date on it of April some time... they tasted OK last week so should last a little longer.

Well TTFN,
Mark x

Gay Widower

2011-07-15T10:21:00.000+01:00

I sat up until the early hours of this morning reading about widowers. I wasn’t tired, as I put in last night’s blog I just have too much going on in my head right now, some things are just there and needn’t be and others are and need to be but I don’t want to deal with them. I thought I’d share an excerpt of one of the articles.

I can completely identify with almost all of this.

Grief is madness--ask anyone who's been there. They will tell you it abates with time, but that's a lie. What drowns you in the first year is a force of solitude and helplessness exactly equal in intensity to the love you had for the one who's gone. Equally passionate, equally intimate. The spaces between the stabs of pain grow longer after a while, but they're empty spaces. The cliches of condolence get you back to the office, back to your taxes and the dinner table--and for everyone else's sake, you collaborate. The road of least resistance is paved with the gravel of well-meaning friends, rather like the gravel that cremation leaves.

Paul Monette, Last Watch of the Night

Becoming a widower is a process. And it is a process the surviving partner shares with his loved one. A continuous process, it begins the moment that one is forced to half-consciously accept that you are about to lose someone very close and may not end until even many years later. Widowerhood more or less occurs in three phases. The socially accepted year or so of grief after you've lost your partner is merely the middle period, flanked on one side by a period of widowerhood in which your companion is still alive, and on the other side by a period of widowerhood long after he is dead.

If your partner's death follows a long illness like Cancer or AIDS, during the first phase your partner is still alive. The grieving begins with the various losses his illness starts to impose on your life as your relationship changes from an equal partnership into an unequal dependency. This early grieving is almost always overlooked because of the external distraction caused by dealing with hospitals, labs, doctors, social workers, sometimes ambulances, police, lawyers, various business and governmental bureaucracies, and enormous amounts of data and new routines. Amidst all this, the two of you are forced to renegotiate your partnership contract.

At the same time, something even more subtle, and insidious, is occurring: you are learning to deal with him being gone. If you doubt that, speak to anyone whose loved one has left home for the first time with some minor symptom of AIDS requiring a short stay in the hospital. The fear and panic -- or denial and frozen emotions -- these first week-long hospitalizations cause may seem greatly exaggerated overreactions to others. On the contrary, they are often healthy, early recognitions of the widowed future.

The second phase following a partner's death is when your loss is complete and obvious and this phase also has its hidden dangers. The support network, so useful during your loved one's illness and death, is often suddenly removed at this stage. People you've come to rely on often vanish, incorrectly thinking you have no need for them in your life. Others, hoping to help you, or perhaps feeling guilty about your loss and their helplessness, attempt to push you through your grieving at an unreasonable speed -- perhaps pulling you into a constant chain of social events and distractions, so you won't stay home and mope. This doesn't recognize your special need to be alone more than before, partly to rest from the mental, emotional and sometimes physical exertions you've just gone through, sometimes just for you to try to remember your loved one whose presence in your life is fading so quickly and sadly.

The third phase is the least obvious and least talked about part of widowerhood. Paul Monette again proved himself to be the gay community's bard, describing his extended mourning for two different lovers in painfully eloquent essays in Last Watch of the Night. Long after the world and those around you have ceased to deal with your great loss, you're still stuck with it. Often new information about your loved one, or simmering resentments about his life suddenly surface and must be dealt with. Bills, letters, and legacy details can take a long time to show up and are upsetting or infuriating.

In some cases, the challenge is merely that your partner has so defined your life, that now you are completely thrown on your own, and must redefine who you really are as you did when you were an adolescent. It is a difficult, often harrowing time, yet also a potentially wonderful period and crucial to any further growth in life.

Most likely all people who have buried a spouse remain intimately connected to the deceased and to that relationship long after their conscious mourning has ended. In the last decade an extensive literature has evolved about grief, but until very recently, little or no recognition has been given to the grief of homosexual men who survive the death of a partner or friend.

Intense anger, whether at the unfairness of life, at God, at the cause of death, at the deceased or just being in the unenviable position of having to pick up the pieces and rebuild a life is typical when grieving a lover. When a partner dies, a man has no choice but to become a widower. How actively he accepts or rejects the identity of a widower will determine how he deals with all the angers. Recognizing that there are numerous good reasons to be angry, and expressing and integrating that anger are essential components of adjusting to widowerhood.

This is an excerpt taken from:

Gay Grief and Gay Widowers

by Michael Shernoff, MSW

Published in LGNY, September 1, 1997, Issue 62

1997 Michael Shernoff

Told ya so...

2011-07-15T00:10:00.000+01:00

Well,that's what I would be saying if Steve was here now. We had a few debates in recent months and tonight I have been proved right on at least one of those points. It's a shame, I didn't want to be right but unfortunately I am.

Anyway I am not going to dwell on that I have other worries at the moment, I am not going to rant about those here either but I will tell you I have spent over an hour this afternoon on my hands and knees trying to sort the printer which is under the desk.

Steve loved gadgets, he always wasted money on them and this was another such waste of money. He wanted a printer to print A3 size, so we could produce our own posters. Yeah great! We have never once printed on A3! It's wireless so he could print these posters from anywhere in the house. This is fine until the power goes off, the router re-sets and the PC cant "see" the printer.

I used to be able to ask Steve to fix it, now I cant and I don't have a clue! there isn't just a wire I can plug in to my computer so I just had to spend ages trying to sort it. The same happened a few days ago and I don't know what I did but it was faxed pretty quickly. Today was a different story. I got there in the end though.

I have had another busy day sorting stuff out, doing stuff for Steve or on his behalf again so it has been nice just to spend time alone with my thoughts and in silence.

I'm still getting stressed very quickly, I guess it is a grief thing but one of the speakers yesterday said, "where's the fun in your week?" Right now I don't have any but his point was we all need things to look forward to doing on a positive note, be that a walk in the park or a coffee with a friend. I need to get something sorted. I guess I will soon.

Well I could rant more and more as usual but I wont tonight. I am heading to bed. there is so much stuff swimming around in my head and it is getting me more and more stressed so the sooner I go to bed the sooner I wake up and it's a new day. If I don't wake up I get to see Steve, I suppose there's pro's and con's to both.

Goodnight and don't forget to click on the Facebook and Twitter buttons further up the screen and on the right hand side.
Thank you,
Mark

2011-07-12T22:57:00.001+01:00

It seems for some reason the end of my last message is missing so here it is.... Remember this fits after my last post, oh the joy of mobile communications....

For me this represents Steve, he had beautiful blue eyes, flashes of lots of different blues and so sparkly and twinkly, especially when he was being naughty so this sparkly bracelet reminds me of his lovely eyes. The angel wing charm us the same as he bought me not long after his diagnosis last year. He said I was like his angel so he wanted me to wear angel wings, I wear them on a necklace.

The sentiment behind this means a lot to me, to anyone else it is a row of crystal beads but to me it is a reminder, it sits on my wrist just next to the tattoo I had done there to remember Steve by before the funeral. Both are in my line of sight many many tea a day and both make me think happy thought of Steve.

Well folks its been a long day, still have stuff to do and need to be up for 6am so I will say goodnight..... Goodnight x

Bugger!

2011-07-12T22:44:00.001+01:00

Well today had been an ok day until around an hour ago when my Internet connection went down. It went earlier and caused me problems having to reset the wireless printer, Steve was the techno geek but showed me once what to do, it took me ages but I got the damn thing working again so I must have listened, it was something to do with ports. I think I will be wired in future, it seems more reliable.

This 'going' tonight is someone's way of telling me to go to bed as I have a lot to do tomorrow so I will go soon.

Today has been a good day, I have busied myself doing stuff for Steve or in memory of Steve, so all in all my day has been about, around or to do with Steve, even the letters I got this morning re Steves estate didn't bother me because it was for him, (a lengthy tax form to complete for him).

I think that was my downfall last week, I felt lost without Steve, and doing stuff which was for me not for or with him made me feel the loss even more, maybe I felt selfish? I don't know.

This morning I made a bracelet for myself from crystal beads Steve and I bought to make handmade Christmas presents with for this year, the pic is below.

A Tough Lesson To Learn

2011-07-10T23:13:00.000+01:00

Another painful day. There is no other word for it, it is just painful. The day started OK I guess, I was up and about but didn't leave the bedroom, I busied myself tidying and sorting, I don't know why, i just wanted to.

I got a phone call then from a friend to see what I was up to. I wanted to go out and buy some picture frames (again), so I agreed to collect him from home and we would go. I got to his and we went out, probably around 11.30, we went to a few shops but he was home just after 2.30 and I drove off. Just as seems the 'norm' of late when I have had enough then that's it, no pleasant cup of tea I just need to go.

I drove for a while and pulled up, probably about 20 miles away but near a canal. I took the camera and set off for a walk along the canal, it's the Leeds and Liverpool canal so it will be one I hope to get quite familiar with when I live on a boat. I walked for around 2½ hours, maybe more. It was nice being alone. Not a lot to photograph but still, somewhere different for me to walk.

I felt in a daze again, for no reason, obviously Steve was in my thoughts but I didn't just think about him. I got home and cooked some food, I'd not eaten all day but was still not hungry. I ate though as I know I should but even that seemed tasteless. It wasn't, it was packed with so much fresh veg and good stuff that it was bursting with flavour but it all seemed bland and pointless.

This evening I have been sat at the PC, not doing anything productive, I have not done anything productive since Friday. I was trying to find other people in the same situation. It was difficult at first, so many stories of a husband lost, so many wives now having to deal with their own loss whilst looking after the children. That's not relevant to me.

Then I found it, I found a few actually, gay guys like me who have lost their partners. Partners lost to cancer and two who have lost their partner to the SAME type of brain tumour that killed Stephen. So many stories of people who have found their soul mate only to have him snatched away cruelly at a young age.

Reading their stories I understood, it was like the mist cleared and I realised I was not alone. I have got SO tired of trying to explain to people that losing a partner IS NOT THE SAME as losing a Mum, Brother, Son, Aunty, Granny or Cat and, until you have lost a partner then you will never know and never understand. Hopefully you will be lucky enough to be the one to go first so you don't know this pain.

Also, people underestimate the word "partner" is is not just someone you are married to because it is convenient, because you felt you should for the kids, because you have been together for 20 years. My partner was like part of me, half of me. We loved spending every minute of every day together. How many married couples do you know who can't bear to be in the same room or who each live separate lives under the same roof only to curse the time they "have" to spend together on holidays etc. Steve and I were not like that, we loved living together, working together, socialising together in fact just sitting in the park watching the world go by...TOGETHER as the friend who led Steve's funeral said, like two halves of the same coin.

I have learned today that no matter how much I try to eaplain people will not understand until they have experienced it, no matter how eloquently or bluntly I put it no matter how much they want to and no matter how much they truly care. It seems like i am being ungrateful, I am not, I really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have decided now not to stress about trying to help others understand. It is difficult enough for me to get my head around it without having to explain it. Again, i really am grateful for all the love and support around me but I have learned the discussions I have about my feelings and thoughts need to be with people who understand, not with people with whom I have to explain each minuscule detail before they can even begin to understand.

There are a few friends I can talk to and, talking to one of the ladies at the party last night and chatting to a few gay strangers tonight who have also lost their husband or partner has made me realise that no amount of wanting to understand will help. I know my friends care, I appreciate that more than they know and they care for me in so many other ways but they do not need the burden of having to try and understand me or my feelings, I know they want to help but sometimes just a brew, a hug or a text is all they need to help me most.

I saw this yesterday, it struck so many chords with me, I have hesitated over posting it. I didn't want my friends to read it and think I was pushing them away or that I am in the slightest bit ungrateful for their love and support but after realising I have learned a tough lesson I also realise that my friends will understand I do need them and want them in my life and I do need them and want them around and I actually like the odd messages I get and strange pictures but their love cannot take my pain away, only I can let my pain go and right now I am trying to do that. I know my friends cant do it for me but they can cheer me on, and they have done and I hope they will continue to do so, as I said I know my friends will understand...

Don't Tell Me...

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know,
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed,
That I am chosen for this task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come at me with answers that can only come from me,
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie,
Don't tell me how to suffer, don't tell me how to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see,
But I need you, I need your love, unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share,
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say,
"My friend, I really do care."

Author Unknown

Hospital again...

2011-07-05T11:08:00.001+01:00

Hospital again...
Here I am again sat at A&E at the hospital. Not for myself but this time with my Dad.

I received a call this morning just before 9am to let me know that my Dad had collapsed at work. His colleagues had tried to contact my Mum but were unable to get through so must have got my number from his mobile.

You can imagine my thoughts, not again, I really don't need the stress, neither does my Mum or anyone else in the family for that matter.

Steve's Mum and Uncle Mike were due to come and visit me today, I called to let her know my Dad has been rushed to hospital so that's been postponed. She will be down later in her own, hopefully we will know more then.

Right now I don't seem to be feeling anything, obviously worry and concern for my Dad but sort of numb too, I guess it is just too soon after Steve, I have pushed back the tears etc, not sure what I would be bawling about.

A friend tried to comfort me recently in how well I had been coping with Steve's death, her hubby says we don't get sent anything to deal with that we can't handle, now whether you believe it is God or Fate mapping our future is irrelevant, I just wonder why he or she thinks I CAN cope with all this.

How do I appeal the decision?

Sent from my iPhone

A Mixed Bag

2011-07-04T20:57:00.000+01:00

Firstly you will have no doubt noticed the blog omission yesterday. To be honest I thought about it a few times during the day but really didn't feel up to it. It was a tough day yesterday.

I got up and went out and about, just a few shops I needed to visit, the same old thing Steve and I used to do really but yesterday I did it on my own. I got upset en route from one place to another. It felt like a normal Sunday out and about with Steve but when I looked over to the passenger seat Steve wasn't there. It got to me..... it hurt a lot actually just seeing the empty seat next to me where Steve should be.

Later in the afternoon I had planned to walk along the canal with Dr Jon and Nick & Geoff but Jon had a migraine so wasn't able to come. Usually I would have opted out too rather than go on my own, we're all heard the saying which ends, "three's a crowd...". Well it was a nice walk. A walk Steve and I have done before and the plan was when we got to the pub we'd have lunch and a beer and then walk back.

Being a sunny day the place was packed, family groups and couples and me. It hit me like a punch in the face. I just looked around and I suddenly became aware of being VERY single. Not something i saw myself being and not something I wanted to be but there I was. Even though I was there with friends I felt lonely, I cant explain it really and I don't understand it but my stomach was in knots and I just wanted to run away. I didn't, I walked back as planned.

I said goodbye to Nick and Geoff and came home, they invited me in for a drink etc but I was aware I had become crap company just about the time I was reminded I was on my own.

I got home, read the local newspaper and went to my room, I just wanted to be on my own but when I sat on the bed I just fell asleep, I woke up around 9.30 and I could really have got undressed and stayed there but I got up.

I don't really remember how I filled my evening from there on, I guess it was just a bit of a blur until a friend called around 10.30. He was a real tonic, I guess like most people I answer the phone and put on my phone voice so as not to upset whoever the caller is but with him I don't feel I need to, he has lost a partner too so understands. He's very patient and just knowing he understands makes a huge difference.

After that I spoke to another friend until around 2am this morning, again someone else who has been there and lost a partner and understands first hand how it feels. It wasn't all doom and gloom though, we discussed Steve's legacy. It's gathering pace and I really cant wait to give more info but i know it needs to be right so will be patient.

After that I went to bed and read until 3am this morning. I got up at 9am though and went to visit Steve's Mum. We sorted a few things and then I headed back home. I called into a park on the way back to take some pictures, I thought i would photograph some flowers but I didn't. The battery died on my camera so I went home. There are some photos online, follow the link, they were taken yesterday in my garden and today at the park.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150230546292045.312730.580802044&l=f13ed3ea52

Since getting home this afternoon I have been busy but don't have a lot to show for it so far. I have not eaten yet so I think that's next after this is posted. Today has been pretty uneventful really. I have learned a few things today though, I suppose they are good lessons to learn though and will mean I am more mindful of "self preservation". It's not a negative thing but I realise I need to perhaps take some more time out for me, do some more things for me and not try and keep everyone else happy.

Finally, I am still very conscious that my tolerance levels are VERY low. Noise or distractions really annoy me and things which wouldn't have been an issue before Steve died now REALLY wind me up. I am trying to get back to normal but it's not happening as quick as I want, I know I need to go easy on myself but I just want to be right again, for Steve not for me, I know it would upset him to see me so sad and re-reading his blog entries reminds me of this but it really is easier said than done.

Saturday thoughts...

2011-07-02T23:51:00.000+01:00

Well, today has certainly been a different day for me, a different sort of weekend which I guess I need to get used to. before that though I suppose I should cover yesterday. again, no excuse just too tired to write a blog entry.

Yesterday was a bit of a nonsense day really, I don't remember much about the earlier part, all the days seem to be the same right now. I did spend a lot of it though on the phone, advising Steve's business connections he has passed away and also interestingly the tax office, I waited in a queue for over 20 minutes and my call was dealt with in 2 minutes, they will "send a form", seems to be the usual response, a blanket "we will send a form". I guess it is better than the numpty at RBS who said we would BOTH have to sign to have Steve's DD's cancelled!

Last night Nick and Geoff came around, it wasn't planned but they brought a Chinese meal as it seems they established via my text replies I had not had not eaten since lunch. It was much appreciated, I had not thought about dinner and would probably have settled for a bowl of cereal so "meals on wheels" was good.

They must have left before10pm and then I just got on with writing some letters I had been meaning to do, I have more to do including one to a mate in Auz. It is surprising how many people, no, not people, friends, who have stepped up to the mark throughout Steve's illness to be there for him and us. Something we have both appreciated, (and something I continue to appreciate) Some have stepped away too though. It hurt Steve to see people he thought of as friends avoiding him. Yes we knew it was difficult to face but it was Steve with the illness and shit prognosis not them. It hurt me too to see how it affected Steve especially in regard to those friends of mine I introduced Steve to who showed their colours as "fair weather friends".

Fortunately for me Steve got to say whatever he needed to say to them before he died, he didn't worry himself about them any further but there were a few he felt sorry for afterwards. Feeling sorry for them through is not the same as regretting. He felt very strongly he had made the right decision and, for the record, so do I. It is just a shame he had that stress to deal with on top of everything else in those early days and if I knew then what I know now then I would never have introduced them but such is the gift of hindsight. Steve has taught me to be a better judge of character. Aside from all that we have met many more friends since Steve's journey began and it is nice because we have been able to spend time with people who appreciate us.

Anyways, all that from being grateful for meals on wheels! Later last night I put my wedding suit in the wash..... for those who don't know Steve and I wore Asian wedding suits for our marriage, a Shilwani, Steve wore his for his farewell performance as he had said it was the happiest day of his life. I wore my jacket but with black trousers and shirt. Mine got makeup and allsorts on it at the funeral, people crying on my shoulder etc..... remember I am the widower not them..... anyways, it went in the machine and I waited with baited breath to see if it would come out OK, if it would shrink, if the metal embroidery spoilt or if the marks actually came out.

I didn't go to bed until 2am, again I guess I was avoiding bed but I justified myself by busying myself with paperwork that needed doing.

Today has been another odd day. I got up this morning and felt very "slow", I just struggled to get into gear. I tidied up a bit, put the hoover over, cleaned the cooker and generally did a few chores. Really, this was to distract me from it being a Saturday which I would normally spend doing something nice with Steve.

I also inspected my jacket which came out of the wash before bed. It was fine no damage apart from a few missing crystals which can easily be replaced. I tried it on and it had not shrunk either, I was VERY happy. It will definitely be worn again for special occasions and every time i wear it I will of course remember the day we tied the knot.

This afternoon, (after getting lost en route), Steve's Mum came down. We went to the shops to get some picture frames for pics of Steve I had printed, we went to return a shirt I bought and don't need and we also had a little look around form something suitable for Steve's ashes. We didn't find anything for his ashes but we had a nice time out and about chatting, I explained to her how I am going to need her to help with Stephens legacy. It's a big ask but I am sure she can do it, I wont push though and I know she needs time to get over this as do I but in time I am sure she will be a huge help.

When we got home my olds were home, they got back from Norfolk about 30 minutes before we got home. they had a nice time. it was nice to see them and they seem to be better for the break, I felt better for the break too so hopefully now we are all feeling a little more positive to move forward, flog the house and start our new lives. A scary thought but equally exciting, I guess it just depends how you view it. A fresh start doesn't mean forgetting Steve, it means remembering him and taking all the good things he taught us and taking them to a new place. I am not sure how composting will be useful to me on a boat but positivity regardless of the outlook certainly will be. There are big changes ahead, they were not scary with Steve so I wont let them be without him.

This evening has been pretty chilled, I made a risotto for dinner, I never realised how long it takes, usually I would be chatting to Steve so time just flew past but tonight seemed to take ages. I guess I have to get used to it.

Well not a lot of other news really, Steve's fund is growing nicely we just need a few more to smash his target and help two charities and causes very close to Steve's heart and ours, please help if you can, payday has just been and £5 even £2 or £3 will make a huge difference, you cant buy him a birthday card or Christmas present so your help is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED, we would love you to help us exceed his dreams http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash. for those who have donated though, THANK YOU, from Me, Steve's Mum and Dad and all who will benefit from your kind donation.

Well finally, and importantly, I just want to mention a friend of ours, her Nephew is very poorly after an accident on Tuesday and is is intensive care, he is 13 years old, all my hopes and positive thoughts are with Helena and her family right now. I really do know how it feels to see someone you love dearly fighting to get better, I hope with all my heart he gets better soon, sending HUGE hugs, hopes and love to H and her family xxx

Until tomorrow xxxx Mark xxxx

Steve's Cooking

2011-06-29T09:49:00.000+01:00

I've just come off the phone to Steve's Mum, she mentioned my blog from last night and also told me how the big picture she has of Stephen fell off the wall at 5.30 this morning. Nothing spooky, we just think the picture was too big or heavy for the hook that was used. Even if he could I doubt he would push a picture off the wall.

It reminded me though I messed a bit out of my blog last night. As I said Steve's Mum came down last night as usual for dinner. I had been to check the freezer etc earlier in the day and decided I would just use up a ready meal Steve and I bought for those nights where you just can't be bothered cooking. Not because I couldn't be bothered but because I was busy sorting out.

Anyway, when we popped out yesterday we bought some garlic bread to go with the meatballs and wedges ready meal. Anyway, long story short, despite following instructions, the wedges cooked far too quick, the meatballs were too slow so had to stay in a little longer but the garlic bread got a black coating around the edges. I insisted it wasn't burnt as Stephen would have done the same, I'll explain.

Since moving to this house some 5½ years ago Steve has had quite a few cooking disasters. I say in this house because in the previous place when he cooked I don't recall him having that many disasters, mainly because he was home first so food was ready when I got home and any disaster would or may have been sorted before I got home.

Here though there have been many. Not that his cooking got worse but he used to get distracted, he would pop something in the oven, on the hob, or under the grill, usually on a high heat "so it cooks quicker" then go back to whatever he was doing, get completely distracted and before you know it the bottom of the pan etc would be burnt. Steve always said that the burnt bits were good for you or that they were not burnt they were just well done or slightly dark...

The same thing happened to Steve's Mum and I last night, we put the food in and got distracted (looking at cremation urn's on the Internet) and before we knew it we had a meal which resembled one of Stephens. Not we can't be sure if he has had any influence in this at all (we wouldn't want to admit blame would we) but it did make us giggle, it felt like him having a joke with us so that's where we'll leave it. I guess I could lots of things to disprove our theory but I don't want to.

It's strangely comforting to attribute odd things, coincidences, or strange goings on to someone close who has passed away. It sort of keeps them here. I know he is not and I desperately wish he was but I also know no amount of wishing and hoping will do that but it still doesn't stop me from hoping that soon I will wake up and this will have all been a horrible dream.

I'm not sure what today has on the cards, I think I might empty the car, it's going soon and I will get a banger. I don't need a fancy new car, it was just for peace of mind knowing I was unlikely to break down with Steve and make him late for a hospital appointment or have him waiting around for recovery when he is poorly. I don't need to worry about that so just an old banger will do. I hope I don't owe much, or if I do I hope it is not a lot but it's something that needs sorting soon.

Well I am going to dash for now, my quick update has been a little longer than expected.
I'll write later hopefully,
Mark

2011-06-29T00:19:00.000+01:00

Well firstly to catch up on where I left off yesterday. Shirley came around as planned. She stopped for a brew and a chat but brought the donations from the crematorium at Steve's service along with the Red Top hat, many people didn't know, (although a few asked) that the hat Shirley wore at Stephens service on Friday was his. It was worn in honour of him, a little bit of Steve's stage career there out front and she wore it beautifully, although we did tease shirley that Steve would expect her to roll it up her arm, across her chest and down the other arm, not because he did but because he was always fascinated with how it was done.

She also brought back the order of service booklets that were left behind. I have them here now so if you would like a copy sent to you then please let me know and I will post it out for you, I am guessing if you are reading this blog you will have another means of contacting me, either email or facebook etc rather than posting your address publicly/

Finally Shirley also brought Stephen home, well his ashes at least. She said he weighs a lot less than the last time she brought him home, now he just weighs 9llbs or 4kg which is not much more than the 6llb something he weighed at birth, (I dont know what that is in Kilo's). It's off having his ashes here, he sat on the floor in the lounge last night with me and then I took him to our bedroom last night. I guess thats where his ashes will remain for now until I (and his Mum & Dad) , decide what to do with him.

I was up till really late last night looking at urn's, jewellery which is made from or incorporates ashes and other things you can do with cremation ashes. No decisions made but I learned a lot. I learned I could pay up to £600 ish for a pot to put his ashes in which will collect dust on the mantlepiece. I learned if I wanted to turn him into a diamond then it's likely to cost arounf £10,000 for a decent size stone and that there are a huge amount of legal and technical issues which would need addressing to scatter his ashes in a public place.

Too many decisions to worry about right now. My head is not with it anyway so am not going to push myself to think on it just yet.

This morning the olds went away for a few days. It is my mothers birthday today and although I got her a card etc she was not feeling at all celebratory. In fact, I guess the card may have upset her a little as it was a reminder that Steve has missed what would normally be a fun excuse to spend timetogether as a family. I am guessing there will be more such events to act as a twist of the knife. I have said before, whilst it is lovely having friends and family around at the moment they have to return to their own lives pretty soon, their own families, partners and children. I can't help but think though that the tough times lie ahead. Our wedding anniversary, Christmas, Valentines day, Steve's birthday, The anniversary of his diagnosis, the anniversary of his surgery and the many other dates and times where a glance at the calendar could strike a brutal blow, a slap in the face reminder of what I (and we), have lost.

As the house has been quiet I felt like "getting on" with stuff, I started by taking down the cards we have been sent. There was almost 100 cards, I re-read them all and will keep them as a reminder of how truly loved Steve was and what lovely friends we have. I have a lovely box which will now serve as my "memory box" with special reminders of Steve in.

After that I decided to make headway on sorting our bedroom. It was tough to say the least but I thought I would start with the easiest, or smallest area, his bedside cabinet. Well there was all sorts of memories there. Brithday and christmas cards from me to Steve some 4 years ago, our first anniversary card and other keepsakes all of which Steve has kept. Lotions and potions, youth cream, anti wrinkle, eye creams and the special moisturiser he was given by the hospital to treat the sore areas of his head from the radio therapy. A mixed bag of emotion in there but quite easy to dispose of some things (like half used creams etc) and the other stuff which I hesitated over I figured those should be kept until my head is in a better place for making tougher decisions and they went back.

Next on to the two (large) drawers he had for t-shirts, some easy decisions there too, the ones he used for scruffs were easy to identify but there were a few in there, (which I have kept) which have very pleasant memories. For example the Tommy Hilfiger t-shirt he bought the day after we met, instead of taking him home to get a change of clothes we just bought new because it was easier than driving to the other side of town. It has not fitted him for a long time but I guess he had kept it for sentimental reasons too. I am not sure yet what I will do with it though.

From there it was on to his wardrobe. I counted 27 pairs of jeans, some worn once or twice only and others he wore loads. The jeans he wore the very first time I met him were there too. I have made him keep them for such a long time. His bum always looked so cute in them and they fitted him beautifully... I won't say much more though other than they bring back a lot of happy memories. On top of that there were pairs of trousers, utility pants etc so a huge amount.

Hoodies, shirts, jumpers etc, there was loads. I have kept a huge amount of stuff, in fact a full wardrobe full. It seems he had 3 wardrobes of clothes in his though so there is loads to dispose of. Some things I have sidelined for certain people though, not sure if they will want them but at least I can ask, the reasoning makes sense in my head.

After that I decided I needed a break so I decided to input some donations I had received for Steve and his chosen charities, I did that and as I write we are at 84% of the total target. I would love to be able to smash the target for him. Brain Tumours receive less than 1% of any funds raised for cancer in the UK but more people under 40 years old die of brain tumours than any other cancer and there have been no significant advances in research in the past 25 years because funding is so difficult to get. For those that have donated I am EXTREMELY grateful, as are Stephens Mum and Dad etc but please help us smash that target by sharing the facebook link, forwarding this blog, tweeting or re-tweeting (I am adifferentmark on twitter) any amount is appreciated no matter how small you feel it may be, the link is http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash. and I would REALLY love and appreciate any help possible in reaching our goal. One less beer or takeaway this month might not make a big difference to you but to BTBuddies (Brain Tumour Buddies) and Christies Neurosciences it would.

This afternoon Steve's Mum camedown, we chatted a bit and she also brought some money down that her friends had collected in memory of Steve. We went to the Tattoo shop as Rone there had called to ask me to come down as he had something for me. It was a transfer of Steve's tattoo he had done in August last year, not long before he was admitted to hospital.It was lovely to have the original and again, that will live in Steve's memory box. Obviously I could never see his tattoo again but I can see the original artwork.

After that we did a little shopping, came home for dinner then went to Ikea for a frame for a large picture of Steve she has, (It needed to match the frames she already has) then home for a brew before she set off home again.

This evening I have sat here alone and in silence, it is quite nice to hear the silence. No TV, music or traffic just silence. I enjoy it more at the moment and I guess this is because my tolerance levels are really low.

So, all in all, it has not been too bad a day, I have had a few tears and a few tough moments but overall I feel positive. I am conscious though I have been a bit of a hermit and not been in touch with most of the world, I'm sorry, normal service will resume as soon as possible. I did just hear from an old friend though, she is not old but we have known her a while, it was good to talk, she's a bit manic but a great tonic. She said the same as many have said, Steve's funeral was different to any she has ever been to before and she really enjoyed it and felt it appropriate. We know "enjoy" seems like the wrong word but I got what she meant and enjoy is a good word, Steve wanted a celebration of his life, not doom and gloom, yes the service made people cry but it also made people laugh, not many funerals raise a laugh but Steve's did. A unique service for a unique man, my man, my husband, my soul mate, still missing him more with every passing minute, still extremely proud and happy to have had him in my life.

I am going to sign off now before I start thinking too deeply and sending myself in to another wave of tears..
Please remember to tweet, Re-tweet, share and 'like' Steves fundraising page, as I said it is VERY MUCH appreciated, until tomorrow, http://www.justgiving.com/teams/StephenFaccendaakaEnidWhiplash.

RE-POST: I Want to be....

2011-06-27T13:37:00.001+01:00

I woke up this morning - with a headache as usual, but also a little grey
cloud hanging over me, I soon got rid of it, but it did leave me thinking.

My prognosis of 12-18 months, all be it a bit pants, takes me to March 2012.
One month before my 33rd birthday.

Now when I was younger I never wanted to get "old" and the 30's was old in
my eyes. But now I want to be 33, I want to be 53 and so on.

With my birthday coming up next weekend (just a reminder for you all.... its
next Sunday) it just made me think.

I have promised myself that I will get to 33, and am having a party, and it
will be a right royal two fingers up to Cancer as I can then say, at least I
beat you.

Team Steve 1 - Cancer 0

That's my little grey cloud for today, its blown away though now, and the
sun is shining through.

Will update later.

Steve

Reading this today has made me think, nothing new but just think that I have
been right in pointing out that Steve NEVER gave up he always stayed
positive as this shows, his thought passed in a moment, he noted it for
future reference but he wasn't going to let the it get the better of him.

I guess in part I am trying to convince myself that for me to get upset and
grieve for him for an extended period means that I too have let cancer win,
I will have let it get to me, to affect my life or even to hinder my life,
Cancer won't beat me either, I will try to be strong for Steve and not let
it win, I can't promise I will win the fight every day or every hour of
every day but I will try. He was so strong and positive I need to be too.

The doctor has today signed me off work for 2 weeks, I don't know if I will
feel better in two weeks but I will have to find a new norm soon. I spoke
to my boss earlier, he was there on Friday too and said how nice he thought
the service was. I turned to mush, just him mentioning Steve made me
crumble, hardly able to talk and tears running down my face,

Steve's Granny called this afternoon, she said how pleased she was with the
service and how peaceful she felt after it. I guess that was one of my
worries as Stephens service was unlike any other, no Vicar or Minister just
friends paying their last respects to a man they knew and loved.

After Granny called Shirley called from the Funeral home, she has been
brilliant and I am so pleased with all she has done for Steve. She will
call around later to sort a few things, that'll be good, she has a calming
influence on me, much like Steve did.

Well I might write more later, who knows, like I said I just saw this post
in Steve's "Sent Items" and it made me think.

Sunday....

2011-06-26T16:16:00.001+01:00

Well here I am, Sunday afternoon at home. It's odd, Steve and I liked our weekends at home, just relaxing or busying ourselves with ebay etc but today isn't the same, pretty obvious really I guess.
I don't want to feel sorry for myself though, I have been here sorting Steve's laptop, I started last night but got upset. I felt like I was spying on him. I have never read his emails or logged in to his accounts before so I felt awful doing that yesterday.
As I said it upset me just the realisation that I have to do it because he can't, it is difficult to explain.
At the moment I am just trying to tidy up our files, starting with e-copies then i will try and sort some of the paper files. There is such a lot to do and even more so when you can't think properly since Stephen died. Simple things seem to take a long time and more complex stuff is a no no completely.
I have been making a list of things to do. So far it is in my head but it changes as I forget then remember and forget again.
I suppose it will all get done eventually.

Funeral

2011-06-25T22:33:00.000+01:00

Two posts in one day again, I must try not to make it a habit but wont make any promises.

Well for those of you unable to attend the funeral yesterday and perhaps for those that did but are interested in my take on it then I thought I would update you all here. At the moment I cannot explain my feelings but it is a bit like anaesthetic I guess, I am conscious of what is going on around me but I am not really feeling it.

The morning began yesterday after just a few hours sleep. I hadn't gone to bed until 2am and the alarm was set for 7.30 and I seem to recall being awake at some point through the night but I think I did sleep a little.

I got a shower first thing and a shave, not a big deal really but the shave felt significant. When Stephen first went in to hospital I hadn't managed to shave for a day or two, work and hospital routines meant grooming was kept to a shower, change and back out the door.

Steve didn't like the beard that followed but we made a deal, I would get rid of it just as soon as he got better, (at the time we didn't know it was a tumour), he ageed but, as he has never got better I have worn a beard for 9 months. Yesterday really signified the start of a new chapter for Steve, whether one believes he has gone on to elsewhere or not his legacy is alive and well and here and I have taken his legacy as my purpose.

Stephen was brought home around 8.30am, we had made space in the lounge we called our own and his coffin was open. He looked so peaceful, just like he was sleeping, still as handsome as always, it was a fitting close to that chapter in his life as he left from his home, our home, for his final journey in this life at around 12.30.

The journey to the crematorium was relatively short and it was warming to see so many familiar faces at the Crematorium including some Steve and I met in the first days of his diagnosis, family, friends and colleagues who have been there throughout Stephens journey to support him and us in so many ways. Some just by being there or being themselves and others in different ways but I felt proud to see how many people had come to say a fond farewell to Stephen.

The service went without a hitch and many said they felt it a fitting tribute, "Life is a Cabaret" by Liza Minelli is not really a typical funeral song but it was one chosen for Stephen's and as well as it being one of his favourite numbers to perform it also represented his mantra. Before we went out on stage, whenever he felt nervous or just when a situation was difficult he would just say, "Tits and Teeth!"A broad smile and a large intake of breath and on with the show.

All of the speakers got through their pieces brilliantly and for that I am VERY proud of them all, the did Stephen proud and would like to re-iterate a public thanks here too. It was an emotional and difficult day for us all but we got through it.

Afterward there was the usual beer and buffet at a local golf club. A bit out of the way but it was fine, we were there to drink a toast to Steve not to critique the decor. The afternoon came to a natural end as evening approached and many went on to their locals to continue celebrations, Steve would have approved.

Many of my friends and family went on to a friends house to continue with the celebrations but I felt I wanted to be with Stephen's family so I went with them to Oldham. It was lovely to spend time with them and we all went for an Indian meal at a restaurant which has without doubt become a firm family favourite with one member in particular dining there at least three nights a week.

At the end of the night though I felt I needed to be home. I was very grateful for a lift home from a close friend of the family, I felt guilty as it had been a long day for her but she would not allow me to get a taxi and would not drop me at the train station. I had just felt it inappropriate for me to be out all night when I had only laid Stephen to rest earlier the same day. My family were surprised to see me home.

That was the end of the day, after changing and putting the world to rights before bed I think I did manage to get some sleep. Today has felt weird. The only way i can describe it is like I feel lost.

For the last week or so I have been planning and arranging and fussing overt a funeral. Thats done now so I can get back to normal. Whats normal though? Normal life has Steve in it, at the centre of it and within every aspect of it. I don't have Steve here any more so therefore I don't have a normal.

Maybe it will come in time........

A moments thought...

2011-06-25T18:47:00.000+01:00

As I sit here now at the side of the canal alone I don't feel lonely. There is something strangely comforting and calming about being here, the wind in the trees the birds song and not a lot else.
Being alone is not a bad thing right now, it has been lovely to have lots of people around but it is nice to have quiet time too.
It feels like I have escaped, I took Natalya to the train station then drove to the canal and have so far walked over an hour from where I was. A hour or so to walk back means there might be a phonecall soon to check on me.
I can't explain how I feel, I don't understand it I do know at the moment though I am struggling to be sociable for any period of time, it's a mask I can put on for a while but it slips. Stephen was my world and he's gone.
I keep reminding myself he won't be back, am I punishing myself or helping it become real, I don't know.

STAR!

2011-06-23T12:15:00.000+01:00

Well that’s it, it seems like Stephen is already having a laugh at my expense, that’s not meant in a bad way but in a nice and reassuring, happy to have him around sort of way.

Some of you may recall that a few years ago Stephen got in to the habit of buying the most random presents. One was a Lordship, not the proper type but the type where I am officially Lord of a patch of oil rig somewhere another such gift was a star. A lovely gift really but, at the time I teased him, a star?!?! Why a star?!? He said it was because I was his star and lit up his world, it made me smile.
How could he buy a star? The don’t belong to anyone. Also, I couldn’t see it touch it or feel it, if it had come with a telescope then fair enough but with the light pollution in Manchester it was unlikely I would ever see it.
We laughed about it for a long time after in fact he ribbed me about it just a few weeks ago and this was a gift from a few years back. It was very much appreciated and the sentiment was lovely, he knew I liked sparkly things and what’s more sparkly than a star? We have chatted about this story a few times since stephen passed away and have had a titter about it every time, Stephen and his odd ways.

Those happy memories have come flooding back to me today. I received a letter, it had come from Stephens work so I assumed this may be some documents from HR or something they found in or on his desk etc.

It wasn’t, far from it, when I opened the envelope I immediately saw what it was..... A STAR!!!

His colleagues have bought a Star in Stephens honour, it is called Enid Whiplash and it has been registered as such from 15th June, the day he passed away. The star is in the Taurus Constellation, Stephen’s birth sign. It is just perfect and I am now resolute about getting a telescope and seeing Stephens star and mine. This is something we had planned to do on the boat as there is less light pollution in the countryside and I shall still do this.

For those of you that already have a telescope the star is:

HD22614

Taurus Constellation

Registered name:- Enid Whiplash

Registration date – 15th June 2011

RA: 3h 39m 06.7s

De: +24* 42’ 11”

I will cherish Stephen’s star, I can’t help but think he has influenced his colleagues decision to buy a star just to have a laugh at my expression when I opened the envelope and realised I now have a second reason to buy a telescope. I have already sent my thanks to Stephens colleagues and explained it has made me smile and brought back these happy memories.

Thank you and Stephen, you got me this time.

FUMING!!!

2011-06-22T17:04:00.000+01:00

Well this is my second entry for today, there seemsto be so much going on at the moment that it's necessary PLUS I am fuming!

Firstly after my entry earlier I had to phone DWP to advise of Stephen passing away, something to do with pensions etc even though he wont be claiming it I guess it means nobody could claim it in his name, I dont understand it and don't need to really.

After explaining to the woman I was phoning to notify her of my partners death, (although I suspect she knew that because of all the coices I had made, "press 1 to report a death" etc anyway, her first question, was, "was She claiming any pensions?" She?!?!? I was very quick to correct her... HE!!! Why the assumption, in this modern age surely people in public sector have been on training courses etc all paid for out of our taxes to teach them how to address people they may speak to, I am sure they have dropped the term "christian name" from their standard forms and now ask first name and last name, this was in recognition of our multi ethnic society so when we live in a multi-sexuality society is it necessary for me to be madeto feel uncomfortable about my partner being a HE not a SHE?

As I mentioned earlier I have sorted Steve's ebay and thought I would drop them at the post office and, as the post office is near the bank I thought I would bite the bullet and go and speak to the bank. The bank was empty, just two clerks on the desk chatting. I walked up and explained, "My partner has passed away, I need to speak to someone about sorting our account" the usual condolences were offered then I mentioned how I needed to cancel his Direct Debits, well (stupid cow) then turned to me and said "oh we need two signatures to cancel a DD" Hmmmm I saw Red! "Really? And how do you propose we do that when I have just told you that ny partner is dead!?!?" She of course apologised and said she would go and get someone to speak to me. I waited a few minutes until shecalled me to come to the counter (evidently the walk over was too far...) She told me the people in the back are waiting to answer the phones so cant come out and I have to go back at another time....there were two of then sat at the counter doing nothing, there was nobody in the branch, (which incidentally looked a mess) and the precinct was dead too so no excuse for such a blatant apathy. RBS - BIG FAT FAIL.... Letter of complaint going off ASAP! I should have known from the scraped back hair, tattooed eyebrows and orange face that customer service was less important than looking pretty and getting the correct amount of pout.

Reporting a loved ones death is bad enough anyway without having to live it over time and time again explaining to the authorities or dealing with other obstacles which get placed in the way. From here I went to a different branch. Different branch different story and thank you Kaye for that, for her I will be sending a letter of praise as too few people say thank you. Such a shame, same bank different branches and completely opposite responses

Oh and I am sure there is a rant in there about how we all own RBS anyway because of the government bail out etc, such a shame, two large organisations today with little or no compassion.... What a lovely society we live in!

The wheels keep turning...

2011-06-22T13:51:00.000+01:00

It's a sad realisation but although Steve was the centre of my world he was not the centre of everyones. the wheels of industry keep turning. This is a point I (and Steve when he was here) tried to make to a good friend who feels a strong sense of responsibility to work, sometimes to the detriment of his loves ones. When you are not here life will go on, Steve knew this and, even though he seemed to always be busy working away, (I never really saw what he did) his work will have still got done on Wednesday last week, the day he died, and on Thursday and on Friday etc. this is not a criticism of his employers because they were great but just an observation that not one of us is that critical to an organisation that our not being there will bring the company to it's knees.

On the flip side though Steve still had a load of stuff listed on ebay. he had a mammoth week last week, a huge amount sold and on Friday last week it took me the whole day to package and address loads of parcels and get them ready to go. It might have taken less time for Steve to do but I really wasn't focused on it, I got relegated from operating the computer (and stuffing it up because I couldn't think) to putting items in packets.

Today again I have checked his account and there is a load of stuff to go, I feel bad as I know it has not had the attention Steve would pay to it but I hope people understand, I am sure most will but it is difficult to continue.

One thing which has upset me today is that someone had left a "neutral" feedback, this felt like a dig at me, there was a note in every parcel explaining the delay, in fairness there were only 1 or 2 items which fell outside our usual stated timings but that one comment was like a knife, "yeah I know you sent me the item, I know your partner has died but I really don't care, you should have sent my item quicker" all I hope is that one day that person will realise just how hurtful that is.

As I said I am struggling with keeping it going for Steve, both physically and emotionally so I don't need that aggro!

I have been to see Steve again today, Saw him Monday when I gave him a shave, (the beard was cute but I know he would prefer to be clean shaven) and I wanted to do that for him as it was one of the few things I could do. I saw him then Monday afternoon after he had been dressed but I didn't visit him yesterday, today I wanted to though. Obviously he doesn't look fantastic but he does just look like he is sleeping. Seeing him feels odd, I know his body is there before me but I know he is not, it is difficult to explain and I don't know how I have managed to spend so much time with him since he has passed but it feels right.

I had my tattoo for Steve yesterday, just something simple around my wrist with some special dates, we had spoken about it on the Friday before he passed away and he and I had both planned to have it done. Only I have managed to have it done of course but it is in my line of sight and I know it is there for him, it already feels like it has always been there, I love the tattoo, I am not so comfortable with the circumstances which have prompted me to get it now but that will fade and I will be left with a permanent reminder of Stephen which will always be there with me.

Well I think that is enough for now, I have stuff to do and ebay shizzle to sort for Steve, I cant let him down so onwards.....

Back soon,
M

2011-06-22T00:27:00.000+01:00

Well here I am again, just after midnight writing a blog. Steve used to do the same, sit here late and write a blog before bed as he knew his Mum read most days and she got worried when there was no update.

Today has been busy, I ahve tried to keepcomposed and for the most part I have. I called in to the doctors this morning to pass funeral details on to our GP, Steve got on well with him and from my visit today it seems the staff there got on well with him too as they were all upset about his passing.

Then to the post office, you will recall Steve upsetting old dears at the post office with his parcels well, Zak at the post office was upset by Steves passing too and asked that I keep him advised of the arrangements then it was off to the hospital to pass info on the the Macmillan nurse Steve had taken a shine to. I didn't get to speak to the burse in question but spoke to a member of staff. Now it is perhaps relevant to mention I had a printedsheet with a picture of steve on and details of the time and date of the funeral, the Macmillan colleague I spoke to looked at the picture and asked, "Is this your brother?"

I was annoyed, I explained he was my partner but again this just highlighted to me how people still have pre-conceived ideas, even in this day and age where assumptions are made about sexuality about the way you look. Yeah you guessed it, no featheres or sequins, limp wrists or camp voice today, I just went for the jeans and hoodie destroyed partner look. That perhaps was my mistake, how could she possibly know without me signposting it for her? The point is she shouldn't need to know, would she be more quick or less quick getting the info to her colleagues if he was my brother?

Then it was off to BASIC where Steve used to go for his massages, the lady there was upset too and, despite turning up unannounced I managed to get past the old dear on reception who not only said my name wrong despite me repeating it three times but also couldn't comprehend that my partner may be male!

soap box away though these people were just going their jobs but, were they doing them correctly? Should I have to "come out" for every health professional I meet? Should they just be more educated instead?

I have lots more to write here but I am struggling to stay awake, I am going to take advantage of this and head for bed, maybe tonight I will sleep. Last Tuesday we spent the night at Stephens bedside. I don't remember the last time I slept well but what I do remember is that it was when steve was there alongside me.

Numb

2011-06-20T23:00:00.000+01:00

Well it has been an odd few days, I guess things are really starting to hit home now.

Yesterday was Fathers Day, a pretty grim one really for Steve's Dad this year and my Dad too as my parents have lived with us for 5½ years so they have got used to seeing Stephen on a daily basis too. I called up to see Steves Dad so he could have his present, Steve and I had bought it and bought cards last Saturday on our way home from a day out, we never knew then that this was one of the last things Stephen would ever do.

It was hard to go there, I don't know why but it was, I guess I feel guilty, guilty that I couldn't make it stop. I know it is not my fault at all but to see the pain in their eyes last September when I had to break the news that their little boy had a terminal illness was terrible and to see them lose their little boy so cruelly after just 9 months when things had been going so well and we were still some time off the 12 to 18 month prognosis was worse.

Focussing on them makes me not wallow in my own self pity, it stops me feeling bitter that our time together was so brief, they brought a wonderful guy into this world and I only got to share him for a short period of time. They have lost a son, a fantastic son but they also have each other to turn to for support and comfort. I have that too, a great set of friends and family but, as wonderful as they all are there is only one embrace I want to feel.

Going to bed at the moment is an ordeal in itself, it means having to re-live the grief all over again, I guess I may be being hard on myself as it is still just a few days since he died and I am entitled to get upset but not getting that hug before I sleep, or being able to give him a hug is torment, sobbing into your pillow so as not to wake the rest of the house then, when eventually you do fall asleep I wake with a start and grasp for the person next to me, the person who is not there, for a split second there is a feeling of relief when you realise he has just popped to the loo then it hits, like a ten ton weight on your chest, he's gone and wont be coming back, there is no morning hug this morning, just a pillow...

My thoughts over the past few days have been random, I guess to be expected but it is simple things that cut so much. On Thursday I went to register Steve's death, something I had dreaded. In reality it was not that bad, the registrar let me witter on about what a fantastic husband I had and how he made me so proud but that wasn't the bit that made me think. To go and register the death they asked that I take Steve's birth certificate if it was available, it was, if you have read Steve's blog for some time you may recall him mentioning it.

For as long as Steve and I have been together he had not been able to find his birth certificate, he had no idea where it was but knew it was in a safe place. Just after his diagnosis we had a day or two of "mourning", just tears for no reason and a mind full of thoughts of "what if" and "if only". Steve realised this was counter productive and decided that Cancer would not mark the end of his life but the beginning of his life. He was now going to go all out and have as good a time as possible, his Uncle Mike had given him some advice and was quite blunt with it too but it jolted Steve and Mike's story stayed with Steve. In fact he recalled the story to a friend not more than a few weeks ago as he has done many times before. that isn't the point I am making though.

After Steve had decided to start life anew he woke on monday bright and early and got dressed early, he decided to sort through a few things and generally started to make headway on clearing clutter from his life and focussing on what was important. On that day when I came home from work I was met by the most excited Steve I had seen for weeks, "it's a sign" he said, "I've had a sign", I thought he had lost the plot but then he showed me.

Proudly sitting atop a pile of papers on his desk was his birth certificate, the very same one he had not seen for years, it turned up in a random pile of papers. Steve took this to mean something, it meant he was right and that today was the start of his new life.

That was about nine months ago now and, whether we look at Steves life or the life he had since finding his certificate again it has not been long, it feels like days, we have done so much in this time but it still feels like so little. I curse the time we spent doing nothing, sitting, watching a film or staring into space as I wonder if maybe we should have done something more significant. I don't know what though but, each and every moment, each and every memory whether it is remembering how we would hit the snooze button "just one more time", or how Steve would chop the veg as I cooked food or even how he would annoy me by not taking his tissues out of his pocket before his clothes went in the washing machine, every single moment and memory is precious and that is what scares me.

I am scared I may forget those memories, I am scared I may forget how only he could hug me "right" and I am scared I will forget how his text with our special phrase made me feel...

I know now Stephen has ended this journey he has begun another, I know his memory will live on in me and those whose lives he touched and I know my next journey is only just beginning. Stephens legacy will live on, I hope his passion and drive will keep me afloat when I feel like I am sinking.

He is with me in my heart and for that I am grateful but, he has gone from this life and for that I am not.

Mark

Action Stations

2011-06-19T02:42:00.000+01:00

Well today has been an odd day, I spoke to Steve's Mum this morning, she is much the same as us, unable to focus etc, it's to be expected, I feel the same. Simple tasks are extremely difficult and concentration is negligable.

Yesterday we sorted Steve's ebay account, LOADS had sold over the past few days, well, in saying days it is almost a week because the stuff that sold on Saturday last week hadn't been sent either as I had more important things to worry about. Simple tasks like printing the ebay invoice was impossible, my mind was a blank and I couldn't do it.

Back to today though, (thats another thing at the moment, my mind wanders very quickly) today some friends came round, it was good to sit and chat. Steves Mum came and we went up into the attic to get Steve's clothes for the funeral. We came across a few photos of him and again found it difficult to think that we will never see him again.

The realisation is sinking in slowly for me I've not had a conversation with him now for 6 days, when he was in hospital he wasn't talkative as was too drowsy and distracted by his headaches and now he cant respond. That is the hard part, we loved being in each others company, chatting and just being close. It has always been the same, our first date lasted from 5.30 pm when I met him after work until 5.30 am when we finally decided we needed some sleep and all that time we had been talking, I dont remember what about but we discussed all sorts of stuff and the time flew by, it felt like just an hour or so.

Our whole relationship has flown by, from meeting on Friday May 13th 2005 to Stephen's leaving on Wednesday 15th June 2011. It just feels like a flying visit, we had so many more things to do, he wanted to go back to Thailand, he wanted to see Phantom again this summer, he wanted to visit Leon in Israel and Ollie in Spain and Tal in Mull, he was looking forward to going away this weekend, which should have been today and he was also looking forward to our other break later in the year for our 5th wedding anniversary. there were so many more chapters to write, photos to take and memories to make, now I have to do them alone. I know he will be with me but I wont be able to see him or hear his voice or clink glasses to toast to another 5 years.

As I'm writing my eyes are streaming, what did I do to deserve this pain? I fell in love with a truly remarkable person but, if I had my time over I would do it all again without a moments hesitation.

Mark

Memories

2011-06-18T01:48:00.000+01:00

Well toight has been a tough one, I have done a little more work on Stephen's site, http://www.troubleonline.co.uk/, the site now has a gallery of pictures and somewhere for people to post their condolences, tomorrow the funeral arrangements will be posted as will a few other bits and pieces. The past 48 hours or so has been spent trying to co-ordinate a fantastic send off for Stephen.

I've not managed this alone, I am so pleased to say I have the support of fantastic parents, all four of them. We've laughed together now we cry together. The support doesn't end there, there are countless friends and you have really been there for me and I truly thank you for this, your text, your hug or just your smile is often enough. Calling on and conscripting some old friends who have known Stephen for many years has made the task ahead bearable, I am confident with their help we can make Stephen proud of his final performance and for that I am eternally grateful.

As for you Stephen well, I hold on to; and take comfort fom knowing I have thousands of happy memories with you and because of you. From our first date at Ikea to our marriage less than 18 months later, from holidays and "us" time through to travelling the UK with a suitcase of frocks and car full of kit but most recently our walk last Saturday along the banks of the canal where we chatted about the trips we would make along there in our narrowboat home working on our newest venture where instead of your first words of the morning being "I Love You" as usual, you instead told me about how we have to do "that", it was a good job I knew what you meant.

I miss you pud, the pain seems to double with each passing minute but I am trying not to cry for what I have lost but with joy for all the good times we shared. You're gone too soon from my side but I know you will be with me every day. I sense your warmth but long to see your beautiful blue eyes, your cheeky smile or feel your arms embrace me just one more time.

I still love you more with each passing hour and my heart will be broken until the curtain goes up on our encore and we meet again...

Mark x

Stephen

2011-06-16T00:37:00.000+01:00

Well readers right now there is a new and bright star in the sky and a different person sat here typing this message. Many of you will know Steve in different guises, maybe by Greavesie, Whippy, Enid, GoGo or just Mate but I am sure he holds a special place in your heart as does he in mine. As his partner of over 6 years I feel proud and privileged to have had the honour of sharing his life for this time.

Right now I am struggling for words but I wanted and felt I needed to come here and continue Stephens story, his legacy is already gathering pace and his name will live on forever, in memories, in love, in many hearts and in something he became extremely passionate about in recent months, I will not discuss that yet as it will be deserving of it’s own blog entry.

By now I am sure you have gathered, if you didn’t already know, that Stephen passed peacefully away at 4.24am on 15^th June 2011 following an extremely sudden and acute deterioration of his condition. I will post more of the events around his passing over the next few days but for now this is as much as I can bear to write.

If you are a Facebook user please “like” the page I have created for him at http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Enid-Whiplash-aka-Stephen-Faccenda/231797150180500 keep visiting our website at www.troubleonline.co.uk as it will be populated with pictures and details of our celebration of Stephens short but varied and full and inspirational life. Details will be posted as and when available and I feel I can speak on behalf of his family as well as myself when I say we will be pleased to welcome you to join us to celebrate the life of a truly inspirational man, a Son, a Grandson, a Brother, an Uncle, a Friend a Performer, a Colleague, a Neighbour and many many more things to many many more people but above all he is the man I can proudly call my soulmate.

Thank you for your continued support, please come back soon and please take comfort in knowing Stephen loved having such a wide, varied and wonderful set of friends, some whom he may of met in person and others he had not, but your being there made him happy, he always wanted and loved seeing people happy so don’t be bitter for what we have lost, be truly thankful for his life.

Mark – The Proudest but most heartbroken partner in the world.....

Migrane

2011-06-11T01:30:00.000+01:00

Well what a shit day, I started this morning quite well, although my machine
decided it was going to do strange things so I had to ask Antonia to reset
it at the office which resolved the issue (pressing g was making it do
strange things - just my day) I was then working away quite happily before
my head kicked off and decided I was having a migraine. Now I wouldn't wish
anyone to suffer from migranes as they are horrible, sometimes I can catch
then and make them go away, but with everything going on in my head, the
reducing steroids and everything else I had no chance of getting rid of it,
so off to bed just after lunch I went.

I managed to clear the main part of the headache as I was asleep which is
good and I managed to avoid the sickness too.

The reducing steroid is a pain in the arse at the moment as I get a
throbbing in my head, and it literally stops me in my tracks, hopefully it
shouldn't last for much longer though as my body gets used to the reduced
dose.

I'm still tired despite the fact I slept for over 4 hours this afternoon,
but that's nothing new for me, I might try and stay in bed for a lay in,
tomorrow morning although I know it probably won't happen, as I have post to
do for one, that and I get bored in bed and my body aches so I end up
getting up early in the morning.

Tomorrow is more log making as the paper has been soaking all week so will
make as many as we can and will start again, mum has said she can keep them
in her shed at home as a way of storing them whilst they dry out (I don't
think my dad knows yet though) they don't take up much room, though and we
can just keep making them until we have enough to last us through winter, if
for whatever reason we don't end up getting a boat this year a number of
people will be getting really random Xmas presents this year.....

This evening despite feeling still under the weather we met up with a friend
that was making a fleeting visit to Manchester, I know I probably shouldn't
have done but sometimes I have to think about other things, and I would have
been ill at home anyway so might as well be happy and ill.

Anyway am tired now so will sign off and update tomorrow.

Steve

I'm Married to a Geek

2011-06-09T22:04:00.001+01:00

Now I mean this in a nice way, but my other half is quickly turning into a
Techno Geek

First it was his laptop, then was his Camera and now it's his mobile, but he
is increasingly becoming more and more gadget minded. To the extent where he
has overtaken me, I'm not that interested anymore but he is always on the
lookout for a new lens cover or something.....

Anyway back to me... I have been a little bit absent for the last few days
as it has been pointed out to me, simple answer is I haven't been so clever.
As I have already said earlier in the week I wasn't well on Sunday and
Monday and this has continued for a few days, I think some of it is a little
bit self perpetuated, but I still do feel really tired. I know I always feel
like this the week after chemo week and also am on the reducing steroids
which only leave me feeling in a word Sh1t, but hopefully I can now see the
light at the end of the tunnel though with the steroids as have only got
about 2 weeks left before hopefully I don't have to take them again. This is
going to be a big step for me as I have been taking them since September
when I was first admitted to hospital

I know its going to have a few compplications along the way bt at the moment
I appear to be coming with Ibuprofen to combat the headaches that are caused
byt the reduction in steroids, but if I can get throgh the next few weeks
with this little help then bonis, life can return back to normal.

The eBay store is still going well, and there is more stuff going on there
every few days. Therfore the house is getting a little lighter - not as
downsized as we would like but its making a start.

I have been trying to finish this blog all day but every time I think about
it I get sidetracked so its not getting anywhere. Therfore its not got
anywhere.

So will sign off for today and will start again tomorrow with full blogs.

Steve

Sick

2011-06-06T22:43:00.001+01:00

Well I can honestly say I have had a very crappy last 24 hours.

I was going to do a blog last night but my body decided to be ill instead. I
was sick and I felt like I had been hit by a bus, it was the same all night
then so I spent most of last night sat on the landing, toilet, bathroom, and
so on trying, don't you love it when your body plays Russian roulette with
you...

Needless to say I got very little sleep last night, I eventually fell asleep
this morning when mark had headed off to work, although he was back again at
about 11.30 to check on me. I have then slept off and on all day on the
sofa, I still feel a little crank but much better than I was. This is
probably down to the fact that I am on a reducing dose of steroid, not good
at any time, and I have been here before, I think I might just have to like
It and lump it. I know it will get easier eventually, it's just a pain for
the time being.

Tomorrow I am at the doctors just for a check up, I haven't seen the doc for
a couple of weeks so he wanted to just see how things were going, the docs
are good like that.

Am off to bed now hopefully I will feel much better tomorrow.

Will update then

Steve

Tired

2011-06-05T10:50:00.001+01:00

OK so I admit it, yesterday I did too much. And it shows today as I feel
like I have been hit by a bus (although Mark says he can't see the
difference as I'm still a fatty....)

Yesterday we sorted out the eBay office as it's become known. We have the
front spare room and the olds have the back spare room, At least now when
everything is on eBay its easily found, and not mixed in with each other's
stuff.

When we had done all the photographing, moving stuff and tidying, we went
for a walk down the canal past Worsley, both for a walk and also a look see
at where we could potentially moor, as it's something else we have to look
into for when we get the boat.

Walking along the canal was lovely despite the fact I was tired and couldn't
walk as fast as I would normally. Mark was taking pictures of the canal etc
and was trying to take photos of the wildlife too but they were simply not
having any of it, the swan kept sticking his head underneath the water or
its back to Mark, so didn't really get a picture of him. Then it was a Heron
and again it must have been shy as soon as the camera was out it was off.

We were going to pop in on Nick and Geoff on our way back but again somebody
somewhere had decided to change our plans, and the rain came down and we
were soaked, so we came straight home to dry off, and then it was a case of
just veging on the sofa until I had to admit defeat and go to bed, hence no
blog yesterday.

Today we are deciding on or outfits for Sheffield Pride which is only about
6 wee away now so it's back to the drawing board as we no longer have any
costumes - and even if we did they wouldn't fit us....

Will update later to let you know what we have been upto today, although I
doubt much will get done knowing the way we both feel.

Steve

Post

2011-06-04T00:35:00.001+01:00

Well today has been a huge day for our eBay store, its taken me all night to
sort out all the orders.

The downsizing really has kicked into force this evening, with two
mattresses going to the skip - now I know that goes against all we believe
in and normally they would have gone to the charity, but they were old and
knackered so worthy of nothing so the skip for the. We have also taken down
our crystal bed and it is now stood up in the spare room, which has also
become our eBay office. We are having the front spare bedroom and Tanja is
having the back spare bedroom, it might help to keep the house sort of tidy
lol.

I like days like today though even though I have been tired as it gives you
a boost to do more.

I managed to do a full day for the office from home and sorted loads of
queries out that have been hanging round for a few days as the systems have
been down, so I can start afresh on Monday now with a clear inbox (although
it will fill up nicely over the weekend)

My chemo is going well, the anti sickness does still make me slightly queasy
but that doesn't last very long so not an issue. As long as I manage my time
with the anti sickness then the chemo then some food it passes by with
relatively little fuss. One thing I do suffer from though is I can hear my
pulse in my head for a while after I have taken the chemo, it sort of raises
my blood pressure, it is odd but only lasts an hour or so, so I just have to
put up with it.

Anyway I forgo to send this, so here it is, off to bed again,

Will update tomorrow

Steve

Avenue Q

2011-06-02T22:36:00.001+01:00

Well today has been an odd day to say the least. I woke up so tired it was
as though I hadn't slept all night, even though I had slept relatively well.

As a result today has been a bit of a slow day, I didn't log onto work as I
couldn't focus my mind into working so didn't want to make more work for
myself.

I have done little bits round the house but it's all been done slowly, I
haven't had a nap though today so will be heading off to bed very shortly.

This evening we were at the theatre, mum and dad bought us tickets and we
almost forgot about them.

Avenue Q is an amazing show and the fact that the main characters are
puppets is secondary to the show, you forget that there is an actor singing
for and handling the puppets.

Anyway if you get a chance to go and see the show then its definitely worth
it.

Anyway am tired and so am off to bed.

Hopefully I will be feeling a little more spritely tomorrow.

Will update tomorrow

Steve

Steroids

2011-06-01T11:11:00.000+01:00

Well one good bit of news from today's appointment. I am again on a reducing dose of steroids over the next 4 weeks. So hopefully this time next month I should be steroid free.

Hopefully I can start to loose weight again.

As usual no news from the oncologist so as they say no news is good news....

Just another standard 5 days of chemotherapy to get through.

Will update later.

Steve

Sent from my iPhone

Christies

2011-06-01T09:41:00.001+01:00

Well am sat waiting in Christies for my appointment. Have had my blood taken and everything will be good as normal. Just hate waiting.

Will update later.

Sent from my iPhone

Sale Sale Sale

2011-05-31T23:31:00.001+01:00

Well what a couple of days, like I said in my blog from earlier things are
moving at the house, but we need to move at a greater speed as there is so
much we need to dispose of.

My mum has been down this evening as she does every Tuesday in her little
dinky new red car, which was nice. Life is more or less back to normal again
now and other than the appointments at the hospital and doctors and such,
things appear to be like they were 6 months ago. I have even been
considering introducing more "in office" days into my working week, this is
a step of me working my way back into work. I will have to speak to the
oncologist though and definitely not whilst I am on Chemo, will see what the
docs say.

I don't have much else to say at the moment other than the sad fact of our
bed, the picture is enclosed.

We have realised that no matter what barge we get it just won't go on there
so after less than 12 months of camp decadence we are having to sell it. If
anyone is interested in the bed frame let me know. It really is the campest
thing ever and the picture does not do it justice.

Will update tomorrow after the hospital....

Steve

Back to the city

2011-05-31T14:54:00.001+01:00

Well, we arrived back home yesterday afternoon, and we were both shattered.

All the fresh air really does take it out of you, that and we didn't get
much sleep as the wind kept us both awake. Now Mark will tell you that it
was me snoring and I will say it was him snoring but it was the wind as we
decided to pitch the tent below a huge tree, so even the slightest of
breezes made a huge amount of noise. Point learned I think.

So yesterday afternoon was simply a case of lugging all the stuff in from
the car, putting the tent over the washing line to dry out and take it easy.
Justian a friend was supposed to pop by, but neither of us would have been
much company as we were just so tired.

We really enjoyed the boat show but it has made me think lots this weekend
about my illness, I can honestly say that I have thought about having cancer
more in the last 3 days than I have in a long time.

It started when we saw a boat we liked but as with most boats, they are
purpose built, and can take upto 16 months for delivery.

I know I am thinking positive about my prognosis, but that's more than I
have been given, there is little point me planning t get a boat hand built
to our standards in 16 months and then not making it. It would be so much
nicer to actually have the boat now and enjoy the time that I have now, if
then in 5 years or so we want another boat then we can go and get another
bigger better boat.

Like having a fire extinguisher, its always there but something you don't
need 99% of the time, but the day you don't have it there's a fire, that's
my way of thinking at the moment. Planning of my funeral has gone the same
way, if I plan it all now, I can stick it in a box and then forget about
it, at least its done and nobody can argue about what I want, but its also
something I hope I will not need for a while, I hope you get my drift.

Talking to people this weekend has also made me think I am facing the whole
thing pretty strong and head on. I can talk about my illness, my prognosis
and issues surrounding it very easy. At times I can even laugh about the
situation and make light out of the situation.

There is a T-Shirt somewhere that says basically "I'm in it for the Parking"
and shows a a picture of a blue badge. I do agree though that this is in bad
taste, but I do tell people that you get cancer and you get a free parking
space, this is my way of making light of a bad situation.

This week we have a pretty busy week coming up, which is both good and bad.
Tomorrow is my monthly visit to the Christie for my monthly chemo treatment,
this is also my last treatment in the current plans, I don't know what the
next step is, will find out tomorrow, as they have said there is no set
plans its a case of see what happens with this cycle, so I leave it to their
decision (this is the same for all the other patients I have chatted too.)

So from tomorrow for 5 days I will be on chemo, and I hipe like last month
that it passes without issue.

Thursday we are off to the theatre to see Avenue Q, which was a gift from my
parents, were both looking forward to it, as a number of the songs in the
show we used to perform in our show, so will be interesting to see how its
supposed to be done....

We will also fit in some more eBay stuff in there as like I said the other
day, looking at all the boats has shown us one thing, we really can't take
that much stuff with us, so need to start clearing out now.

I might cut my hair tonight as its getting long but the bald part over my
scar is still a little thin, I am hoping that if I cut it all shorter it
will all look the same length.

Anyway am supposed to be working so will sign off and might update later.

Steve

All decided

2011-05-29T19:30:00.001+01:00

Well we have seen the boat we want and she is lovely. Not what we were looking for but that's just typical of us. We just need to sell the house now so we can sort it all out.

We have been on so many boats and seen so many ideas this weekend that we now know where we want head. It also highlighted one thing, our downsizing efforts need to be scaled up tenfold....

Were off to the comedy night shortly on site before we turn in for the night and think about the boat we have seen.

If anyone wants to provide us with a Xmas present of the barge we can give you the details of the Marina and boat and everything will be ticketey boo (that's a hint to the name of the barge)

Anyway comedy is starting shortly so need to get gone.

Will update tomorrow

Steve

Sent from my iPhone